Two major factors that influence happiness among young people: achievement at work and doing hobbies

The charts below show the results of a survey about what people of different age groups say makes them most happy.

Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The pie charts reveals information about different factors that make people aged under 30 years old and over 30 years old. As seen, there are two major factors that influence common people happiness, those are achievement at work and doing hobbies while younger people and older ones show diverse proportion for other aspects including having a good appearance and financial security.

The most enjoyable factors that make people happy are the achievement at work. Both age group under and over 30 years old argue that work achievement accounts for 31 and 32 percent on making them happy. Following this is doing hobbies that have 22 percent impact of happiness factors on younger people and 24 percent on older people.

Different reason comes from having a good appearance which has 18 percent effects on the happiness of people aged 30 years old. This is almost same proportion for financial security that affects 20 percent enjoyment of people over 30 years old. The other interesting aspects are traveling and being with family that make 15 percent gladness for cohort below 30 years old and 14 percent for another cohort.

(187 words)

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Hi @ekalamarsyari11

Overall, your composition is good. I like how you presented your data. It is well organized. However, there is one thing I have noticed.

"The most enjoyable factors that makes people happy areis the achievement at work." I think you got confused on the subject for this sentence. It was understandable however, grammatically incorrect.

Why is this so? If you will have "most enjoyable factors ... are the .... " you have to make sure that you have given at least 2 or more factors in that particular sentence. However, in that sentence, you just gave "achievement at work" and so, you have to make your sentence singular or add other factors like "doing hobby" and such. But, since you have just mentioned "the most", it is known that of all these factors, there is one thing that stands out. So, it is more preferably to have single idea/factor to mention. So, instead of having other factors, just make your sentence singular.

Well, other than that, your essay is good. I have seen no issues. Great job and I hope I can see more of your works.

Enjoy and keep writing.

HALLO
THERE ARE FEW ADVICE FOR YOU

people aged under 30 years old and over 30 years old.
Both OF age group under and over 30 ...

Different reason comes fromON THE OTHER SIDE having a good