Unhealthy lifestyle has been an increasing trend. Who should guide kids in the right direction?

Could you rate my essay out of 30? I would be grateful if you would point out any kinds of mistakes.

Parents and schools are both equally responsible for unhealthy lifestyle of children. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

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Unhealthy lifestyle has been an increasing trend in the world these days. The children are also affected to a great extend. Many people argue that school and parents are equally responsible for the unhealthy lifestyle of the children. I strongly agree with this statement, as I believe children are immature and do not have the foresight to think about the consequences of their actions and they require counseling by both parents and schools.

As being the main caretaker of the children, parents are a tremendous influence on their children. They imitate their parents and if they live a healthy lifestyle, the children would also learn from them and live a healthy lifestyle as well. Children are malleable and fragile beings so they are shaped on the basis of the environment that is provided to them and the type of people they spend most of their time with. Parents are responsible for what their children eats and drinks. If the parents could spend more time with their children and engage the in outdoor activities, a significant improvement in their healthy can be observed in just a matter of few months.

Children tend to spend more of their time in the school rather than with their parents. In order to satisfy the demands of the children, parents have to work for more hours and they are not able to spend much time with their children. They entrust their children to the schools hoping that they would be able to improve their academics as well as their health. Children are also found to be more obedient towards teachers than their parents. The schools have the advantage to control the student's behavior over the parents.

In sum, I believe that the weight of responsibility of the children's lifestyle fall equally upon both parents and schools as each plays an important role in to guide and discipline the children.

parents have a tremendous influence on their children. significant improvement in their health can be observed in just a matter of few months.

Hi Subi, glad to read your essay, here some suggestion for you

The children are also affected to a greatgreater extend.
a significant improvement in their healthyhealth can be observed in just a matter of a few months.

I can get your point in parent's role : by engaging their children in outdoor activities but I cannot get the school role, because you only mention the school should control the student's behavior (I think it is too general). It would be better to you to mention clear action which school can do.

keep on writing, cheers

Subi, I just realize that your previous essay was a TOEFL iBT essay too. I would be happy to try to assess your essay based on writing rubrics of TOEFL iBT.

Firstly, you have addressed the topic and task well, though some points were not fully elaborated. This is because you've made imbalance arguments. In the first body paragraph, you've clearly mention the significant role of parents, but in the second body paragraph, you accidentally rebut your first idea because the first sentence of the paragraph said that 'children tend to spend more of their time in the school rather than with their parents' , which indicates that school plays a better role than parents. This was also strengthened by a statement that 'parents entrust their children...' . Therefore, how can those ideas are equal if the comparison tend to weaken one side?

However, when it is about prediction, I can say that this essay is between 3 and 4 in writing rubrics. This means 3.5 equals 22 points out of 30 according to iBT TOEFL converting rubric raw score. This is just my opinion, perhaps other members have different thoughts, feel free to share it here. :)