Writing task 2: University or college is the best route to a successful career

The prompt:

Some people believe that studying at university or college is the best route to a successful career, while others believe that it is better to get a job straight after school.

Discuss both views and give your opinion

My essay:

As there have been more and more ways to achieve a well-paid job, debates about whether university and college education is necessary or not have sparked over the years. Some believe it is the best route to success, whereas others argue that getting a job immediately after school would be ideal. Personally, I agree that having a high education background would be the easiest path to high-end careers.

Admittedly, there are multiple individuals who dropped out from colleges or universities, and became well-known for their achievements, Bill Gates as an example. Moreover, some may inherit businesses from their parents, thus, do not need to pursue higher education. As such, it leads people to falsely believe that universities are unnecessary to achieve success. Whilst that may be true for some selected few, in my opinion, the majority will not be as lucky, or as talented as they would believe themselves to be. Some studies were done in Vietnam regarding this matter. Up to 70% of startups by dropout students fail after two to three years. The reason was mainly the lack of skills, knowledge, and the understanding of the laws, which are otherwise taught in universities.

Many public surveys suggest, people with bachelor degrees or higher have a rather low percentage of unemployment. On the contrary, around 8 to 10 percent of people who have only finished high school are unemployed. Not to mention people of higher education make significantly more than those who are not. While the data may vary amongst sources, the common trend is that people with high school diplomas or lower are not as successful in terms of income as people believe. Therefore, I believe education would be the key to success.

In summary, I conclude that universities and colleges surely help people reach their career goals easier than without. Although the success of some people without the need of high level education is undeniable, it should be safe to assume such people as irregularities.

Thank you for your help.

There is no sense in using 2 placement phrases in the end. Be more creative. Use a more academic wrap to the discussion. Show a college level closing statement rather than an ESL classroom taught conclusion summary.

The discussion is well developed and shows a cohesive analyses of both points of view. The writer effectively presents the pros and cons of each in a manner that considers all possible discussion points. These created well explained reasoning paragraphs that the examiner can appreciate.

However, there are certain sections where the writer comes across as ESL. More language fluency practice should help fix that. Scores are also awarded for ENL writing tones.

Your essay is so cohesive and logical, but you should have divided the body of the essay into 2 parts clearly. Part 1 is for the advantages of getting a job immediately after high school. Part 2 is about the benefits of studying at Universities.