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The usage of car - eight kinds of driving purposes. IELTS WRITING TASK 1

YuanYuanRen 1 / -  
Jul 22, 2017   #1
The bar chart illustrates eight kinds of driving purpose (courses, visiting town, bank, running errands, visiting friends, recreation, work and shopping) divided by males and females in the year of 2005.

Why people need vehicles

Overall, work was mainly purpose of car trips in comparison to otherwise. By contrast, bank, running errands and visiting friends were the lower driving purpose for men in term to women were visiting town and recreation. Besides, except for work ,shopping and recreation, the other usages of car were almost less than 10% either men or women.

There was a significant usage of car for work by men about 50% as opposed to about 5% for bank and running errands respectively. Besides, the driving purpose of visiting town, recreation and work were much more than women.

Similarly, the driving purpose of work was the most usage of women approximately 40% in comparison to visiting town which was almost less than 5%.

Holt  Educational Consultant - / 14,648 4752  
Jul 22, 2017   #2
Ren, the first problem with your essay is that you used a parenthesis to list the graph topics. You should not use a parenthesis because that listing does not help to prove your command of the English language. Instead, you should have worked on developing a sentence listing for the graph content. That way you would have had a chance to better highlight your English writing skills. Now, the bar graph shows percentage points for each classification. Yet you did not use these estimations for most of the essay. Since this essay is supposed to be a summary of the information provided, the reader is expecting to read more figures as provided in the original report. As a researcher, your job is to make sure that you get the figures right in the process of informing the reader. You failed to do that in this essay. There was no strong analysis represented in this essay because you seemed afraid to make comparisons where required. The instructions said the bar chart showed information. How you discuss the essay is up to you. While this essay would be acceptable in most instances, the presentation will not help to increase your task accuracy and GRA score because you did not really try to develop more complex paragraph presentations. Please try to be more precise in your presentation of facts and figures in your next essay in order to improve your overall score. Try to write at least 3 sentences per paragraph. Whenever possible, use the actual figures and compare the information in order o show a degree of analytical skill in terms of your discussion.
LadyOfClockwork 30 / 102  
Jul 23, 2017   #3
I'd like to rewrite a single sentence. Hope it to be useful for you.

There was a significant usage of car ... =>

Up to about 50% of men drove to work while the proportions for both bank and running errands were no more than 10%.
hi021132 6 / 11 4  
Jul 24, 2017   #4
Hi Ren, I think you may include too much in the overview because it is just a brief description of the most obvious observations. Also, you may describe the trend in detail with quotation of numbers in the two main paragraphs instead of the overview.

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