TASK 1 - the variances in terms of four online sales sectors in Canada in two years 2005 and 2010

Please help me to rate this essay base on ielts writing task 1 target.

the online shopping sales for retail sectors in Canada

The given charts compare the variance in terms of four online sales sectors in Canada in two years 2005 and 2010.
Overall, the proceeds percentage of Video Games, Food and Beverage increased sharply; while that of Electronics and Appliance, House Furnishings decreased.
In 2005, the sales for Electronic and Appliance hold a remarkable proportion with 35%, however this declined to 30% in the year 2010. Similarly, the percentage of Housing Furnishings witnessed the same trend. In the first year, the number was accounted for one - fourth of the total online sale of these four sectors, but this fell to just 15% in 2010.

In contrast, the percentage of Video Games and Food and Beverage both experienced an upward trend. In 2005, the figure of Food and Beverage was 22%, then went up sharply to 32% in 2010. Moreover, the proportion of Video Games was 23% in the year 2010, which is 4% higher than that in 2005.

• 
  Untitled.png
  

I may have no ability to help you rate your report, but here are some of my suggestions
1. Improve your vocabulary, such as "sharply" could instead by the other synonym.
2. Try to describe more details.

Essay ratings are not part of our free review service. You may request for a private essay review (email details in the homepage) or, make this essay URGENT to get a more advanced review of your work.

(WARNING! STUDENT SCORING = ACCOUNT SUSPENSION !!!)

Your essay is not properly formatted. The task 1 essay requires a 3 paragraph format composed of:
Par. 1: Summary overview + trending statement
Par. 2: Comparative information Set 1
Par. 3: Comparative information Set 2

You should have better formatted the essay to allow the reader to have an easier time reading, reviewing, and remembering your essay content. There is no clear summary overview that gives the details of the content for the report. The content would include not only the topic and the inclusive years but also the list of retail sections, the type of measurement, and a specific image identification reference (2 pie charts not just charts).

The trending statement should be a part of the summary overview to help with the clarity of your short reference. It must be sentence 3 of the summary overview because each paragraph has a minimum 3 sentence requirement, no more than 5. Have uniformity in your information presentation. Do not use a mix of fractions and percentages. It is not going to be easy for your reader to see the comparison of data when you use 2 different measurement manners. This will affect the the accurateness of your report. Use only percentages since that is what used in the images. Use the measurement reference indicated to help you stay accurate in your information presentation.