The variety genres of music - which kind is more important for us?

please kindly check my writing on IELTS
Thanks

Opinion about music

There are many different types of music in the world today. why do we need music? is this a traditional music of a country more important than the international music that is heard everywhere nowadays?

Music has a variety of genre these day, which is become an essential to every people to listen to it. The majority of people listen to music with their purposes. They try to relax or just enjoy the excitement of the music. On the other hand, some people may be choosing the International music rather than traditional music.

In my opinion, both traditional and International music is important. It has its own character and market. Traditional music is an expression of a culture that should be preserve as it is part of a country's cultural identity compared to International music is certainly useful to society today, it can be argued that it helps us to understand and connect with other people, since people around the world listen to the same songs.

To conclude, I would argue that one type of music is not more important or useful than another. Traditional music is a vital but both are needed as they provide enjoyment to people in different ways.

There is no introduction! and it seems that your essay is too short. Also, pls pay attention to grammar: Music has a variety of genresthese days, which is has become an essential ...

Alifa, I believe you are self studying for the IELTS test which is my you ended up making every mistake in the book with your current presentation. The following elements are missing in your presentation, which makes this essay fail in the actual presentation. Always remember to provide:

Par. 1 - Opening paraphrase with discussion instruction
Par. 2 - First topic for discussion
Par. 3 - Second topics for discussion
Par. 4 - third topic for discussion
Par. 5 - Summary of your provided discussion.

None of these elements are properly presented in your extremely short essay discussion. Remember the basic format when you write your next essay. Make sure you write a minimum of 3 sentences but no more than 5 sentences per paragraph in order to maximized your possible score per band consideration.