Vaule of Money & Hardwork: work experience

1. Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum).

Brought up in a town of privilege, the way I was raised was much different to that of my peers. Instilling the value of money and hard work in me at a young age, my parents told me they would match however much money I saved for my car. Young and ungrateful, I could not understand why I had to work every weekend, while my friends had fun. I took the frustration of living in two worlds out on my parents. When it came time to buy my car however, I had saved eleven thousand dollars on my own. While my peers treated their BMW's and Mercedes' with no respect, I took care of my car because I knew all the hard work that went into obtaining it. Although I argued with my parents about working in the beginning, I realized so much in the end. The world of entitlement that my friends were living in would not get me anywhere. It was not that my parents could not afford to buy me the car of my choice; they elected to teach me a life lesson about hard work, in which I am forever grateful.

That is my short answer PLEASE critique it this is a first draft and all criticism is appreciated! Thank you!!

Hi,
You can write well, but your answer is not aligned with what they expect from you. You need to talk about a specific work experience. You have only mentioned that you had to work, earn and save. But no details are given as to what type of work you did and what skills you developed from that experience. It's important that you tell them all those details because this small question is very important for them to understand your personality and that is what they are interested in. So you need to convince them.

Thank you so much for the feedback. I revised my short answer by adding more details about the work. I am trying to include the story as well as what I got out of the experience do you feel this works as a whole now?

Brought up in a town of privilege, the way I was raised was much different to that of my peers. Instilling the value of money and hard work in me at a young age, my parents told me they would match however much money I saved for my car. Every Saturday, starting at the age of ten, I accompanied my father to his office. I still remember trying to lift the heavy mop and pushing it across the floor using all my weight. The routine began with emptying all thirty-two trashcans; yes I have counted...many times. I continued by vacuuming each office, sweeping and mopping the floors, and lastly cleaning the bathrooms. When it came time to buy my car, I had saved eleven thousand dollars on my own. While my peers treated their new BMW's and Mercedes' with no respect, I pampered my car, as I knew all the hard work that went into obtaining it. I then realized that the world of entitlement in which my friends lived in would get me nowhere.

Now it sounds much much better... My only concern is that you talk about a blue collar job and then say that you saved 11000 dollars. I have no idea about US salaries. If it is generally so, then no issue. OMG... that's a lot of money :D

The most important point is that you need to sound genuine... may be you really do!

i have a request for you. Can you write for me an argumentative essay on the topic "is it better to have comfort or exitement in life? give reason for your answer?" please

Well... this forum is meant for helping each others' essays by providing feed back and editing the parts of essays. We do not undertake writing full essays for anyone. So, I can certainly help you with your essay once you do your draft and post it here :)

Start a new thread under that topic and post your essay there. Make sure you post it to the Writing Feedback Forum. That's my pet forum and it's very unlikely that I miss an essay there :D

Google for points and do a little bit of research on your own before writing :)

ok. i understand

Nice to meet you, dumi. I really appreciate your useful help in this forum. Could you help me with my newest essay? Thanks you so much ;)

sure.... what's the thread?