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IELTS - Video games are harmful if people play them in the wrong ways


SAM2014 8 / 13 3  
Sep 22, 2014   #1
Some people regard video games as harmless fun, or even as a useful educational tool. Others, however, believe that videos games are having an adverse effect on the people who play them. In your opinion, do the drawbacks of video games outweigh the benefits?

The following is my essay. Please kindly help me to correct it and give me some suggestions to improve

With the development of technologies, there are a variety of video games which are popular nowadays. While video games have some negative impacts on the players, I do believe the benefits outweigh the drawbacks.

Video games are harmful if people play them in the wrong ways. Firstly, it is time consuming to play the games. Our regular routines would be disrupted if we are addicted to them. There are plenty of cases in which people spend so much time on it that they are unable to handle their study or work properly as they did before. Secondly, video games would cause health problems to the players. After staring at the screens for a long time without any rest, people are likely to get a poor eyesight. The sedentary life style and lack of exercise that often accompany gaming addiction would also cause obesity, which may further results in other health problems such as heart disease.

On the other hand, it is true that people benefit a lot from video games. One of the essential things that people can harvest from video games is enjoyment. Indeed, this is the main reason that people are keen on them. The modern life and work are rather stressful and it is a good choice for people to get relaxed and refresh themselves by playing video games. Another benefits of video games is that they can serve as education tools. In recent decades, an increasing amount of media and tools are available for education, and video games are certainly one of the most effective tools among them. A video game can catch a child's attention quickly. It is possible to include knowledge of history, culture and other required elements in a game such that players learn things when they are enjoying the games.

In conclusion, I argue that video games have more benefits then drawbacks. One can have great fun and get educated as well in a video game, provided that it is used wisely.

amalxavier 2 / 2  
Sep 22, 2014   #2
I argue that video games have more benefits then drawbacks

I argue that video games have more benefits then drawbacks than

Also, it might not be a good idea to give your opinion in first paragraph itself.
d96nguyen 5 / 11 4  
Sep 22, 2014   #3
With the developmentsofin technologyies , there areis a variety of video games which are popular nowadays. While video games have some negative impacts on the players, I do believe thethese games' benefits outweigh thetheir drawbacks.

There are plenty of cases in which people spend so much time on itthemthatand they are unable to handle their study or work properly as they did before.

You choose one side of this view, but you are examining equally both its sides , this causes a confusion for readers. When you chose one side of the view, you should examine it more than the other.
d96nguyen 5 / 11 4  
Sep 22, 2014   #4
I disagree with Amalxavier, giving your opinion in the introduction is good way for an essay. It helps readers to easily follow your essay.
SHanafi 120 / 415 93  
Sep 26, 2014   #5
With(avoid in starting your sentence) the development of technologies

Probably the example from my dictionary can help you

e.g :
Compared with other schools, the salaries here are very low
Dawson is now producing a stage version of the story with a cast of young actors from New York

that people benefit a lot from video games

you need a verb

he modern life and work are rather stressful,(put a comma) and it is a good choice for people to get relaxed and refresh themselves by playing video games
Vns9x 102 / 236 16  
Sep 26, 2014   #6
Video games are harmful if people play them in the wrong ways. This sentence should contain in introduction instead of your body paragraph. Moreover try use words like however, furthermore, thus e.t.c to improve your essay coherence.
william731 18 / 43 13  
Sep 26, 2014   #7
Video games are harmful if people play them in the wrong ways

I think your points in 2nd paragraph are good but the topic sentence is a little bit weak. Your points are more about they spend too much time rather than playing video games in a wrong way.

Another benefits of video games

I argue that video games have more benefits then drawbacks

than


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