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IELTS: 'Woman'; behavior of children and the role of a modern mother



Mowonight 9 / 19  
Apr 3, 2014   #1
Hey, i'm in the home straight of my ielts test! Here is an essay about the education of children and the role of the mother nowadays made in 40 min. Thanks per advance for ur help :-)

proposal:

The position of women in society has changed markedly in the last twenty years. Many of the problems young people now experience, such as juvenile delinquency, arise from the fact that many married women now work and are not at home to care for their children. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

answer:

Women have always had a crucial role in the education of their child. However, over the decades, they ran out of time to rise them because of the moving societies whose gave them the same right to work as men do. Today, delinquency is higher than never. Is the lack of mother's time responsible of it ? I strongly believe that their is no correlation between these two fact.

Firstly, busy women throughout their work provide households a more balanced life, based on the equality between the father and the mother. Thus, the family and its members theirself tend to be affected positively. Moreover as a matter of fact, the childhood's delinquency is more frequent in disordered families, whom experienced divorced, or unemployed. Nowadays, autonomous education became important, with less time available from parents for their children, this is normality. For exemple, children are more likely socialy stimulized going to the nurse and playing with the others children there, than staying at home with their mother as sole social contact.

Secondly, mothers are not the only pillar of their children's education. Amoung others, school, society and social statut, also affect a child behavior. Additionaly, both father and mother are required to rise a child. For instance, a hard worker's father will provoke a traumatism for the child who will be lack of the fatherhood's picture.

Finnaly, nothing is more important than a balanced family for a child, and our modern times have proved us that equality between a father a mother would provide better education for our child than a housewive.

eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1170  
Apr 3, 2014   #2
I like this writing. Here are some ideas to share
For: a career woman is mostly blamed for current condition when level of juvenile delinquency is increasing.
Against: Environment, family, and technology are also determined a lot in forming the characteristics of young generation.

social statut

Social rank

rise a child

Raise a Child

autonomous education became important, with less time available from parents for their children, this is normality

Fused sentence. How to correct it? Visit this link: grammartips.homestead.com/fusedsentence.html
Abdurasul 32 / 78  
Apr 3, 2014   #3
I like your essay! As eddies said that you have quite enough number of fused sentences! But good done!
dumi 1 / 6793  
Apr 5, 2014   #4
Women have always had a crucial role in the education of their child.

You have narrowed down the scope of your topic to a very large scale by this opening statement. Your topic is about modern woman's role in society - her role has changed from a conventional housewife who took care of children to a career woman. This is the issue you need to introduce to the reader and you should not narrow down its scope. Always stay aligned with the prompt and do not go out of topic.
Pahan 1 / 1824  
Apr 6, 2014   #5
You tend to use many advance vocabulary without having a good understanding about their appropriate usage. It is very dangerous because wrong words in wrong places can totally distort your idea and finally would fail to deliver any idea to the reader. Therefore I suggest you to write with more familiar words to you. Pay more attention to your grammar at this point of time. Grammar and clarity of your ideas are more important than vocabulary.
OP Mowonight 9 / 19  
Apr 7, 2014   #6
Well I attended my IELTS test on saturday. The first task was a line chart representing the number of women in a typical EU's country, and a pie chart representing the reasons of their guiltiness.

The second one was a very boring subject: children take sports very seriously, and don't know how to have fun through sports anymore. To what extend I disagree or not. My big mistakes was my hook I think. I said something like "Nowadays competition is present everywhere and even in children sports which should provide fun only". Which is not really linked to the subject.

I'll see... I'll have my mark in 11 days now !

Thanks to all those who helped me during my training !

Love.


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