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Work performance factors - Bar graph - IELTS writing task 1

Eabc 4 / 9 1  
Sep 23, 2020   #1

factors affecting work performance

The bar chart below shows the results of a survey conducted by a personnel department at a major company. The survey was carried out on two groups of workers: those aged from 18-30 and those aged 45-60, and shows factors affecting their work performance. Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information shown below.

The bar chart illustrates the outcomes of a survey done on two categories of people aged 18-to-30-year-old and 45-to-60-year-old, highlighting the factors that affect their work performance. A personnel department conducted this survey at a major company.

Generally speaking, various factors have a greater impact on 18-to-30-year-old people than the elder workers. From the graph, it can be observed that mostly there is no significant gap in the factors affecting both the groups with notable exceptions in four factors namely: chance for personal development, relaxed working environment, job security and promotion prospects.

With respect to people aged between 18 years old and 30 years old, factors such as chances for personal development, relaxed working environment, promotion prospects and money affect their work performance by more than 60%. Whereas only 30% of people are affected by the work environment.

In terms of the elderly people, only about 20% of employees are affected by job security. While money is the most important factor for more than 60% of them. Moreover, there is a significant gap in the proportion of elderly and the youth by a ratio of three to one for three out of ten factors.

One more useless comment or incorrect thread title = ban.

Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,132 3268  
Sep 23, 2020   #2
Your summary overview is still too similar to the original presentation. It feels like you just moved words around hoping that you would be able to create a new presentation, without actually trying to come up with an original composition for that section. You could have at least tried to write:

A bar chart has been provided as a representation of a measurement conducted by the human resources department of a leading corporation. The focus of the analysis were workers aged 18-30 and 45-60. The subject covered information about circumstances that affect their job achievements.

You have to use different words from the original to allow the reviewer to properly score your Lexical Resource knowledge. When you stick to the same original keywords, you limit your ability to get a better score in that section. You have failed to use the measurement representations from the graph in your presentation to the full extent. Each of your paragraphs do not meet the minimum 3 sentence requirement. You need to make sure that meet the 3-5 sentence representation per paragraph. However, you should not overwrite in the paragraphs either. Just stick to a quick analysis of the given information. Otherwise, you will end up writing enough words for a task 2 essay instead. You already cut it close with 194 words in this essay, but your presentation is just wordy, not informative.

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