IELTS- Workers in traditional industry (doctors, nursing and teachers)

It is my first thread, please give me comments, can I get a score at 6.5 in this writing?

Professional workers like doctors, nurses and teachers make a greater contribution to society and so should be paid more than sports and entertainment personalities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

The issue of whether the industry such doctors, nursing and teaching should received a higher salary than sports and entertainment is of great concern to the public. Although many people subscribe the belief that doctors, nurse and teachers dedicate a lot to the society, I personally believe that the development in sports and entertainment are equally important to our society and all the industries should be paralleled developed.

On one hand, the sporting and amusing players are the same important as doctors, nurses and teachers to our community. Nowadays, people not only need heath care and schooling, but also need some activities such as exercising and watching a movie to relax themselves because both of which are helpful for them to keep healthy in physical and mental health. Therefore, sporting and amusing players play an indicating role in helping people live a better live. For example, many people are the big fan of Kobe, a basketball player. Because of Kobe, people are more likely to play basketball; as a consequence, people are beneficial in health by playing basketball.

On the other hand, a healthy society needs all industries that are well-developed in order to guarantee the good employment rate. If people worked in doctors, nursing and education are paid more than sports and relaxation, thus many people are more willing choose to work in the former field, as a result, the young people will choose learn the relative major in order to get a high salary job when graduated, however, when the demand excess the offer, a high unemployment are ensuing to happen.

In conclusion, people working in the sports and entertainment are of equal importance with doctors, nurses and teachers in our society, all of them should be balanced developed for avoiding the unemployment.

This sentence has some structure issues. You should devide it into shorter sentences.
Overall, I think your opinion was stated quite clearly, but you should pay more attention to grammar and vocabulary.

such as


receive

The issue of whether the industry such doctors, nursing and teaching should received
The topic is about job, not industry. Doctor is a job, but nursing and teaching are activities. When you say doctor, nursing and teaching, it is very strange.

... this sentence has several issues;
doctors are professionals and not an industry.... doctors, nursing, teaching are professions and not industries.
should receive
sportsmen and entertainers receive higher salaries and not sports and entertainment


This is not what your prompts speaks about .... it asks you whether it is reasonable for the sports guys to earn more than doctors and teachers.... tell either you agree or disagree or partly agree. Don't take your writing away from the prompt....stay with the prompt!

Hi Dumi
The issue of whether doctors, nurses and teachers should receive a higher salary than sportsmen and entertainers is of great concern to the public. Although many people subscribe the belief that doctors, nurse and teachers dedicate more to the society, I totally disagree with this idea because the development in sports and entertainment are equally important to our society and all the industries should be paralleled developed.

is my correction right?

Yes, this is much better than what you wrote previously. :)


People hold beliefs / People believe


On the other hand, the sports and movie stars are as important as professionals like doctors, nurses and teachers for the betterment of our community.

Nowadays, people not only need heath care and schooling, but also need some activities such as exercising and watching a movie to relax themselves because both of which are helpful for them to keep healthy in physical and mental healthphysically and mentally . [/quote]