All over the world, children and adults are facing an increasing problem with excess weight.

In this modern area, obesity becoming a main problem in many parts of world. Children and adults are facing an increasing problem with excess weight. In the essay bellow, I will look at causes of fatness and provide possible solutions for this.

One of the main causes of this is that people are eating unhealthy food. Many people prefer to eat takeaway foods or pre-prepared foods rather to prepare food at home. A solution for this could be increasing a price of unhealthy food by government. This would decrease the intake of junk food and increase possibility to eat home-made food.

Another problem is that people are leading sedentary lifestyle. To explain, majority of people have private cars and they are using cars to go to any distance instead go for a walk or use transportation. To tackle this problem government should put restriction on private cars or rise cost of oil. After this people will be forced to overcome distance by foot or by bicycles.

A third cause of problem is that the number of people doing sport are decreasing year by year. many people reject to going to gym because of the price which they could not afford. A solution for the government to give attention for sport facilities to make it more affordable for people.

To sum up, overweight becoming a main problem in many countries due to unhealthy food and sedentary lifestyle. From my personal perspective the responsibility for solving this problem lies behind government and people.

obesity becoming a main problem in many parts of world.
obesity has become the main problem in the world.

To tackle this problem government should put ...
This problem can be tackled up by putting restrictions on private cars or rising cost of fuel.

After this people will be forced to overcome distance by foot or by bicycles.
As a result, people could be encouraged to go about their daily lives on foot or by using bike.

many people reject to going to gym because of ...
Many people have rejected to go to gym because they can not afford it.

Hi Komoliddin, welcome to the EssayForum team :) This is the right place to develop your writing skills, especially in relation to essay writing. Giving consistent peer-corrections to other members of this website will significantly enhance your ability in no time. Therefore, you are suggested to keep participating in this forum regularly.

Concerning your essay, I think that from the title is totally unclear. You need to mention the type of essays that you are writing, for example you can mention IELTS task 2: all over the world, children and adults are facing obesity problem or TOEFL iBT writing: all over the world, children and adults are facing obesity problem, or even any other type of essays, as long as you describe it clearly.

Let's just assume that this is an IELTS TASK 2 writing, with also unclear question, either 'agree disagree', 'advantage disadvantage', or 'discuss both views'. Firstly, it is about minimum word limits. Avoid answering the prompt by only writing about 251 words like what you've done. This is not suggested at all. You need to remember that in IELTS test, you are going to write by using your own hands (handwriting, not computer-typing). Handwriting sometimes can be unclear, and the examiner will directly think that it is a wrong word / sentence. Therefore, they will think that you fail to fulfill the minimum words limit.

Secondly, about your paragraph building, despite making 5 'short' paragraphs, it is better to make 1 introduction paragraph, 2 main body paragraphs, and 1 conclusion paragraph (total 4 paragraphs). In addition, you also need to pay more attention in subject-verb agreement. This is also crucial issues that IELTS learners usually face. Make sure that you write a sentence structure that 100% accurate. Remember the criteria of Band 5 grammatical range and accuracy part, "attempts complex sentences but these tend to be less accurate than simple sentences". Therefore, you need to bear in mind that it is not about how complex or complicated strucure your sentences are, but it is about how accurate and appropriate your sentence structure is.