It is true that the unemployed situation is faced by the young in contemporary society
- Upon what information is this claim being made? Are you being asked to testify to the validity of a claim in the original prompt? You were not. You were not asked to provide an opinion nor attestation on your part. Such unsupported written information creates misinformation in your prompt restatement, It removes the accuracy of your depiction of the original discussion topic and will result in percentage deductions for your TA score. It may be enough to kick off your score, based on individual scoring considerations, at a failing mark. Always strive for restatement accuracy to help increase, rather than decrease your TA score.
Why did you avoid directly responding to the questions provided? The questions require a direct response in the thesis portion of the restatement as these are used to assess your understanding of the given prompt, and your ability to provide applicable responses, in English. The topic outline is a major part of your TA scoring consideration as these responses help the examiner assess the clarity of your opinion / understanding of the discussion requirements.
Though you presented 2 discussion reasons in your discussion paragraph, you wasted the first sentence since you used an irrelevant sentence starter in the presentation. You should have used that sentence allowance midstream instead, using it to create a transition sentence from the first to the second discussion point. Without the transition sentence, your presentation comes across as requiring further development. Rather than the wasted first sentence, I would have written a useful transition sentence in the manner of:It is precisely because of the lack of work experience that businesses are not inclined to hire fresh graduates...
That transition sentence helps to strengthen the first claim that you made, increasing the cohesiveness and coherence of that presentation paragraph.
The solutions paragraph has an under developed first solution. It does not relate to the second reason. The second reason is more related, as a solution, to the previously presented reasoning subjects. As for the conclusion, you need to further develop that to use at least 40 words or 2 sentences. Otherwise, it doesn't come across as a properly developed and discussed concluding statement.