IELTS TASK 2 : Young people now have a lot of pressure .

In some countries young people have little leisure time and are under a lot of pressure to work hard on their studies. What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest?

Students now do not have enough time for recreation and live with a lot of pressure from their studies, especially in some developing countries. As a result, many students have depression because of pressure in studying. Therefore, it is essential to find out the reasons and give suitable solutions.

First of all, when children go to school, parents expected their children to have good result. Hence, they creat a lot of pressure for their children. After class, students are forced to study in learning centers and with private teachers. This makes students have a little leisure time. Next, one cause for this is higher education system. In some countries, the government has increased the extend of study program in order to improve the educational level of young generartion. However, it makes counterproductive effect. To accustom to new study program, sudents have to work extremely hard. Then, many students suffer from studying too much. Otherwise, another reason is that there are limited sites to enroll in university. Consequencely, young people must work all the time if they want to enter their desirable university or college.

In my opinion, there are some solutions which defiently can help. Firstly, we should improve the awareness of parents. Parents should understand that learnining too much is not good for children's health and all children have their own passion and ability, seperately to the others. Thus, when children do ot have good mark at school, it does ot improve that they are bad. Secondly, authorities should alter the study program to make it suitable for students. Finally, government should invest to creat more space to enroll in university, such as building a new one. It will reduce pressure in studying.

To conclude, young people need enough time for their studies and recreation. Therefore, adults should not make pressure on young generation

p/s: I'm a newbie so sorry if I broke any rules of forum. Please give me some feedback. Thanks !!!

You need to finish one set of ideas and then come to a different set;
Students nowadays are very busy with their studies and do not have adequate time to spend on recreational activities. There are several reasons as to why they have such limited free time and burdened with study pressures.

Give more focus to the actual reason;
First, due to high competition, the parents too apply a great pressure on their children when it comes to studies of their children. They try to get their children involved in all sorts of academic activities in and outside the college leaving very little time and space for children to enjoy their childhood.

I think you have use too many simple sentence, please try to use some complicate ones.

A few details:

sudents

You should utilize the grammar and spell check features of Microsoft Word to correct as many spelling and grammar problems as possible before submitting your essays.


another reason is that there areseveral limited sites to enroll in university
make your sentence straightforward

It is nicer if you could construct this paragraph with this pattern below:
1. a 'conclusion' signal: In conclusion, ....etc,
2. a summary of the main points or a restatement of the thesis (in different words!)
3. a final comment, based on the information in the essay
The final comment can be:
3.1. a warning or prediction (often using the first conditional: If ...,

Hope this helps :D