I'm Olivelee.This is my first writing on Essay Forum.
I am preparing the ielts exam, so if you can give me some advices and estimated scores, it would be so helpful. Thanks for everyone who reviews this humble essay :)
Topic : Some people believe a country will benefit greatly by a high percentage of young people go to university; others argue that it only leads to unemployment. Discuss both and give your own opinion.
Persistent deliberation is happening as to whether it is desirable for the youth to go to university. In regard to the development of the country, some people believe that it is essential for young students to get high quality of education in universities, while others think that it is only one of causes to increase the rate of unemployment. In this essay, I will analyze both views first in order to come up with a fool-proof decision.
To begin with, those who advocate the impracticability of university have several reasons. From their point of view, the fact is that there are numerous job opportunities for those who do not have the certification of university graduation, such as mechanics, sales persons, or engineers, and, furthermore, labors for graduates are in short supply. What is worse, the labor market for highly educated students is now too competitive to get a job after finishing their studying. In this regard it is a loss of national productivity that young people spend much time on searching for high salary jobs, even can be a sheer time-consuming.
However, on the other side of the coin are voices in the opposition, saying that universities provide not only skills for careers, but also academic knowledge for the human race, such as bio science, politics, and medicine. These academic values are necessary to the progress of the world. More importantly, many researches in the ivory-tower have created ingenious discoveries and achievements for the development of modern society. Another significant factor of universities is that diverse experiences in the campus life can make the young generation more competently because there are a number of chances through internships, deeper discussion, independent life, and exchange scholarships.
To sum up both contentions about the necessity of universities' education have reasonable justifications; however, I agree with the latter view. Although higher education does not guarantee young students' success, the benefits of learning in universities are the vital factor in creating more possibilities for the development of society through advancing academic fulfillment and the young generation who have experiences and challenges.
this is a too long sentence:
Although higher education does not guarantee young students' success, the benefits of learningstudying in universities are the vital factors in creating more possibilitiesopportunities for the development of society through advancing academic fulfillment and the young generation who have experiences and challenges.- this phrase sounds odd. Try to avoid structuring such an extensive sentences, since a real meaning can be lost. Truly speaken, when I reached the end I've got confused and forgot what you were implying to at the beginning.:)
Hi Olivelee, that is a really nice name.
You have a nice way of writing, too. I like this phrase: 'persistent deliberation.'
I don't like the word impracticability, but you did use it correctly. You can feel confident about your writing. I just found a few errors
These academic values are necessary to for the progress of the world. ---not really an error, just my opinion.
More importantly, many researches many researchers in the ivory-tower have made created ingenious discoveries and achievements for the development of modern society.
Yes, the end was a little too long. You can do this:
To sum up both contentions about the necessity of universities' education have reasonable justifications; however, I agree with the latter view. Although higher education does not guarantee young students' success, the benefits of learning in universities are the vital factors in creating more possibilities for the development of society. Through advancing academic fulfillment and the young generation who have experiences and challenges, it is possible to improve society in a meaningful way.
Thanks, I'm glad you are participating. Please help other writers when you can! :-)
