Unanswered [3] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 3

Many young people in the workforce today change their jobs or careers every few years.(IELTS)


edward09520 1 / -  
Sep 19, 2015   #1
This is my IELTS practice essay , I have to get 7 in writing so i just want know to get that and I want improve my writing.

Thank you for review my essay. any common will be useful. thanks.

Topic: Many young people in the workforce today change their jobs or careers every few years. What do you think are the reasons for this? Do the advantage of this outweigh the disadvantage?

It is very common that young people regular change their jobs. There are several reasons why they keep changing jobs all the time. I think the cause are they do not know what kind of jobs they really want do to and they are not satisfied with the current job.

It seems to me that many young adults regularly change their jobs because they realize the jobs are boring and unchallenged, even they may doubt whether they should do this job. But, if they often shift from a job to another it will have some problems. If you jump ship and leave your job, you risk loss of current employee benefits and have no guarantee of steady income, contributing spouses or partners excluded. So you may have a serious finical pressure before you find the next available vacancy. Additionally, social competition becomes more severe and high unemployment rate is very common now, hence before switching a job they should think carefully.

In contrast, it is not too hard for young people to get constant income if they stick to their jobs. After several year workforce experience they may promote to senior position and take more responsibility. Concentrating on their jobs also bring some benefits to them. For example, it can develop their professional skills and build their confidence which help them to get better achievement. At the same time, they are able to pay more attention to service their family duties in their spare time.

In conclusion, young people change jobs in various reasons, but I suggest they should think carefully before change a job. Focusing on the current one that is right choose, it may be difficult, but it worthy to put effort on it.
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Sep 19, 2015   #2
Hi Edward. The way I see it, there are a number of grammatical errors that need to be corrected in this essay. Some of these errors (with corrections) include:

It is very common that young people regular change their jobs. There are several reasons why they keep changing jobs all the time . I think the cause are they do not know what kind of jobs they really want do to and they are not satisfied with the current job.

- ... that young people regularly change their jobs.
- To say all the time is redundant since you already said "they keep changing jobs", there is no need to say "all the time" as that is implied in the sentence already.

- ... I think they do not know... not satisfied with their current job

It seems to me that many young adults regularly change their jobs because they realize the jobs are boring and unchallenged, even they may doubt whether they should do this job.

- This is still a carry over thought from the previous paragraph and should be placed at the end of the first paragraph instead.

But, if they often shift from a job to another it will have some problems.

- This should be the start of the second paragraph. The rest of the paragraph is a well thought out and written discussion that you can retain in its original form if you wish to. You can also add some information to make the statement even more acceptable if you wish.

In conclusion, young people change jobs in various reasons, but I suggest they should think carefully before change a job. Focusing on the current one that is right choose, it may be difficult, but it worthy to put effort on it.

- I have a problem with this conclusion because you are presenting a new thought that is not even connected with the provided prompt. As in any essay, no new ideas should be presented as part of the conclusion. So you need to reword the conclusion to simply be a round up of your opinion on the matter.

I would score this essay a 4 in terms of discussion due to the deviation in the conclusion and the lack of discussion development pertaining to your opinion of the advantage and disadvantage. The essay requires a personal point of view that was not clearly stated within the early parts of the essay. While you did present a discussion of the advantage and disadvantage, you failed to properly represent the discussion as to whether constant career changes are advisable or not from a personal point of view. Instead you ask the reader to make the decision for themselves. That is not what the prompt is expecting from you.

You need to specifically state; "In my opinion, the disadvantages outweigh the advantages because..." It is not enough to just present what you see as an advantage or disadvantage without including your personal opinion on the matter. A personal comparison of the advantages and disadvantages would prove to be more aligned with the expected response for the prompt. Doing so will address the issue as of

Do the advantage of this outweigh the disadvantage?

Remember, in an IELTS test, the examiner will be looking at your comprehension skills in response to the given prompt in order to prove your English language abilities.
Bayuwibowo 48 / 73 21  
Sep 19, 2015   #3
Hello Edward09520
The following tips are only my suggestion, maybe not all exactly right. But I still hope it can helps you.

Actually, it only slight flaws :
It is very common that young people regular change their jobschange their jobs regularly . There are several reasons why they keep changing jobs all the time. I think the cause are they do not know what kind of jobs they really want do towith and they are not satisfied with the current job.

After several year workforce experienceS they may promote to senior position and take more responsibility

So you may have a serious finical(i cannot find this word in dictionary)financial pressure before you find the next available vacancy. AdditionallyMoreover , social competition becomes more severe and high unemployment rate is very common now, hence before switching a job they should think carefully.

Good luck!!


Home / Writing Feedback / Many young people in the workforce today change their jobs or careers every few years.(IELTS)