IELTS - many youngsters choose to shop as one of their favorite leisure activities

Shopping is the favorite pastime for most of the young people.

Why do you think is that?
Do you think they should be encouraged to do some other useful activities?

It has been a commonplace to see many youngsters choose to shop as one of their favorite leisure activities. While shopping offers the ultimate stress-relief from modern life, I believe that young people should be diverted to other ways of spending their free time.

To begin with, it is undeniably true that young people nowadays are more stressed out than the past. In a rapidly changing world, the fact that they not only have to hone their skills to keep up with latest technologies but also have to survive in a competitive job market makes their lives become increasingly stressful. This has led many of them seek to relieve such stress through shopping. Many studies show that it can be an effective way to help people overcome their blues in that buying products help them regain psychological control of their situations.

Considering the negative side effects of shopping, I contend that more productive leisure activities should be encouraged to young generations. First of all, frequent shopping may lead to shopping addiction. This is because spontaneous shoppers affected by the high level of stress would end up with impulse buying, most of which are unnecessary. Although shopping may provide one with instant gratification, such pleasure does not last long enticing people to shop again creating a vicious cycle of undesirable shopping habits. Given that shopping as a hobby may exert adverse impacts on young people's mental and physical health, alternative pastime activities, such as swimming and other physical activities, can be healthy way to spend

In conclusion, many young adolescents have chosen to shop as their favorite pastime to reduce stress; however, due to its risk of being shopaholics, other healthy activities should be suggested.

You should create a more balanced argumentation format for your essay's structure. Notice how roughly two-thirds of your essay was spent explaining the dynamics of shopping - and how this affects this particular demography. You had spent little time explaining what the point of your essay was, which was to ultimately tackle why it is advantageous to have alternatives to merely shopping. If you can balance out your essay's overall composition, it would sharpen the content of your essay. Talk more about how the alternatives provide benefits to the young people.

As for my technical commentaries, I recommend that you try to look at small mistakes that you may have overlooked in your essay. For instance, you had small mistakes regarding the usage of verb tenses and usage of commas. I would also suggest that you try sticking with less complex structure formats to help you lessen the potential mistakes.

For instance, I would revise your second paragraph's second line as:
The rapidly changing world and enhanced technological developments entail that they have to continuously hone their skills to survive in the job market. This adds intense stress to their lifestyles.

Notice how I had your single line into two separate ones to make the delivery of the message clearer. Doing this to your longer structures can help clear out any confusing phrases that you may have; and this as well permits you to evade harsh deliveries.

You should also add more details into your conclusion. If you follow through with the instructions in the first portions of this feedback, you'll be able to address this lack of substantiation in this area.

Best of luck.