Book Reports / sadako sasaki - book summary [2]

Greetings!

I think you're right that "leukemia" is not capitalized. Only diseases named after people need to be capitalized (like Alzheimer's). Your paragraph does not ramble, so there's only so much condensing you can do. I had a try:

According to Japanese legend, your greatest wish will come true if you fold 1000 origami cranes. Sadako Sasaki, a Japanese girl suffering from leukemia caused by atomic fallout from the bombs dropped on Japan in WWII, inspired millions to fold cranes for peace. Sadako's wish to live fueled her attempt to fold 1000 cranes. Her death prompted the building of a memorial to honor her and all innocent victims of war. This origami crane was folded with a wish for peace then strung with a crystal heart to catch the sun and shine for peace in our world.

It's not much shorter, but I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / A presence in oneself -- an essay [19]

So have I! Take care!

Sarah

Writing Feedback / A presence in oneself -- an essay [19]

Greetings!

One may question whether one's demons can ever all be conquered in this life...but to me, the journey is the thing; the quest for knowledge is the sine qua non of our existence. As long as we continue to ask the questions, we are improving, whether we think we have found the answers or not.

All the best!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / A presence in oneself -- an essay [19]

Greetings!

...and, what a difference that might make, if we were to think, before every action! (or would the world move too slowly in that case? Would anything get done? :-))

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Graduate / Memo style answer about Alberto Gonzales for graduate school [2]

Greetings!

I think you've done an excellent job. I am not exactly sure what a "memo style answer" requires, so it may be that you don't need a thesis statement, as a paper such as this would normally require, but you might want to make sure. A thesis statement helps orient the reader, rather than leaving him or her to try to figure out the point of the paper.

I notice that, most of the time, you do not use an apostrophe when making a possessive form of Gonzales's name. For example: "Alberto Gonzales career in politics" or " According to Mr. Gonzales perspective" or "Gonzales objective" -- these all need an apostrophe after the "s"; however, there is still much controversy over whether names such as this require an additional "s" after the apostrophe, as I wrote it, above. Many sources now say yes, it does, except when the name is an ancient one, such as Hippocrates' name, or Moses' name. Personally, I think the name belongs to the person, and if Gonzales wants it either with or without the extra "s", he should have that choice. Of course, we can't very well ask him! At the very least, though, it does need the apostrophe.

You also tend to leave out commas. If you pause when reading the sentence aloud, as for this phrase which is interjected into the middle of the sentence, you set it off with commas. For example: "regardless of classism and barriers, [add comma] hard work and consistency will reap rewards." Otherwise, your reader will spend a confused moment wondering what "barriers hard work" means. :-)

Good job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / A presence in oneself -- an essay [19]

Greetings!

So, are you saying that, by taking our identity as "just that and nothing more" we would be failing to look inside ourselves for deeper understanding? If I may play devil's advocate for a moment, what potential disaster results from choosing not to act? To act, by doing what, exactly? (I ask this as a method of furthering discussion.) :-)

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / Research Paper on Poverty in Africa [3]

Greetings!

It can be a challenge to try to merge other types of papers into a research paper! The first thing is to make sure you know where you're going with it--otherwise, you'll quickly become lost along the way. Try thinking of it like this and see if it helps. You are researching poverty in Africa. First, you must define what "poverty" is (your "Definition" paper will help!); second, you will discuss the causes of poverty, and what effects they have on the people there (Cause and Effect essay); then, you may want to add some research which shows what some of the things are which are being done to help (there are more and more projects being started, from what I've seen on television), some possible solutions, and/or what will happen if something drastic is not done soon. You can focus mainly on the health aspects, or include a discussion of the political consequences (unrest, civil war, coup d'etat, etc.) of too many desperate people struggling to stay alive.

I hope this helps. If you need more assistance, let me know; I may need more specific information about what it is exactly you are "stuck with"!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / A presence in oneself -- an essay [19]

Greetings!

When you use the word "presence" (and forgive me, because I think we've been over this before, but some things require a deeper understanding), how do you define that word, in that context?

And yes, it is not lost on me that the very fact that I must ask the question proves that it is "one of such." ;-))

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Scholarship / the Art Institute of Seattle, Scholarship essay statement? [4]

Greetings!

I like what you've added, explaining your skills. One thing I might suggest:

I have already acquired the artistic needs to pursue my dreams and be accepted into the Art Institute of Seattle but I have not acquired the financial needs - I don't think "needs" is the word you want here; "means" would be more appropriate.

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / A presence in oneself -- an essay [19]

Greetings!

I think it is very good for someone to become acquainted with the ideas and practices of very different cultures; good, not only for that person's individual growth, but also because it contributes to that person's own culture. To increase understanding between nations, religions, philosophical viewpoints and schools of thought, is to add to the knowledge of the world and diminish the likelihood of serious world conflict. That may sound like a grand goal, but I believe it to be true: the more understanding we have for things which are, to us, "foreign," the more willing we are to live and let live, and even derive benefit from this sharing of knowledge.

You write about things which are entirely unknown, I suspect, to the majority of Americans; that is part of why I have trouble understanding what you mean, sometimes. But, it is good for me to try to understand, just as it is good for you, as a writer and philospher, to have to push yourself to be understood. And, I hope, to anyone else reading this discussion, will come a new understanding as well--whether about the content of the philosophical discussion, or just about how better to express ideas in writing, so that the translation from thought to written word becomes clearer. :-)

Thank you!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / A presence in oneself -- an essay [19]

Greetings!

I'm afraid the only part of that which I understood is "I think I have started to think everything I see within as my very own world." Sorry to be obtuse...I think it must be difficult to be specific when writing about things which are more, by their very nature, ephemeral, than concrete. :-)

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / A presence in oneself -- an essay [19]

Greetings!

You do a good job of painting a picture that describes your walks. I do have a suggestion, though, which would improve the reader's comprehension, I think. Consider this sentence:

As I take a walk, out in nature, for I am at this time fortunate to be so situated, with mountains and green fields around, and these walks may be hours long, I find something collecting in my thoughts.

The main thought in that sentence is "As I take a walk, I find something collecting in my thoughts." However, there are FOUR parenthetical phrases in between the two major parts of your sentence. While all the additions may be important information, they do tend to interrupt the flow of thought somewhat. This may be why I sometimes feel I've lost my way by the time I get to the end of one of your longer sentences. You could add these extra explanatory phrases in separate sentences, making the one sentence into two or even three, and make it much easier for your reader to follow your line of thought.

I hope you find this helpful!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / need help for early Black-White interracial [3]

Greetings!

I confess that I don't know a lot about the many issues which may comprise the topic. However, one aspect of interracial relationships that has always interested me is anti-miscegenation statutes. These were laws which prevented whites from marrying non-white persons. They date back as far as the 1700s--twelve of the thirteen colonies had laws against interracial marriage--and, amazingly, seventeen states still had such laws until they were struck down by the U.S. Supreme Court in 1967!

If you did decide to go with that topic, your thesis could be something like: "Anti-miscegenation laws, which were often defended as having a Biblical foundation, were used to foster fears that mingling between the races would result in the ultimate destruction of white society."

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Book Reports / Fitzgerald shows in his novel that materialism causes the corruption of society [2]

Greetings!

I'm not sure what changes you may have made to the quote from page 141, but it looks all right to me, now. :-) You also have done a good job with Lucille. The only other thing I might add is if there is anything else which substantiates that she is only impressed with how much money Gatsby spent on the dress. From what you say, it sounds like the point was not that she appreciated his gesture; she was just impressed by the amount of money he spent. It's not a big deal, but if the author included anything which indicates that fact more clearly, you might want to add it.

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Cause and Effect Essay-A Family of Poverty [5]

Greetings!

I'm glad you find my comments helpful! I think you've done a marvelous job of refining your essay. I have just a few more comments:

She never earned more than $2 an hour. - I must've missed this the first time; normally, one uses numerals when writing about quantities of money. An exception would be if the number is the first word in the sentence; then, it must be written out.

In the mid 1970's, my dad lost his job and my mother was unemployed, [add comma] too.

the cost of a gallon of milk [small m]

I'm back in school and working, [add comma] due to poverty. - This doesn't completely follow; perhaps you should explain the connection. You are back in school to get out of poverty? You are back in school but still having to work because you are poor? I'm not sure exactly how you meant this.

Really good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / College freshman after 15 year break - first essay for this class [2]

Greetings!

I have added a few more comments and included the ones I made previously:

If I had decided to do either of these things, this particular camping trip would have gone better than the story I am about to tell you. [delete "about"]

her replying that he was "brain dead". - American English always puts the period (or comma) inside the quotation mark: "brain dead."

I will not go into the finite details [did you mean "infinite"?] here of the struggles we went through just to get a campfire going on our first, [add comma] and ultimately only, [add comma] evening of family camping togetherness; [use semicolon] instead I will leave it up to you to fill in the blanks.

The first night in our tent was not a pleasant experience at all. From the moment we lay down I knew that I would not get any sleep this night. Finally after a hectic day, I managed to relax and was ready for a good night of sleep. Wanting the experience of true campers, we had decided we would not bring anything remotely comfortable to lie on. And because our sleeping bags were at least a good quarter inch thick, after a few hours I almost didn't mind the roots of the tree digging into my back... [I'm not sure if that's what you meant; the last two sentences did not make sense, as written.]

My prayers went unanswered [I'd delete "once again." It will be funnier.]

I can't imagine not having experienced the angst, frustration, [add comma] not to mention the relative hilarity of the entire trip. - I think it would sound better without "not to mention." You can just say "and."

I think your 15-year break did not hurt you one bit! Very good job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Buy Buy Buy! (essay on american compulsive shopping) [3]

Greetings!

I like your sardonic writing style! You've written a great essay. I have just a few suggestions. You tend to switch back and forth between "our" and "your"; pick a tense and stay with it.

Our lists are made and we are now ready to venture

used a technique called "facing". - In American English, the period (or comma) always goes inside the quotation mark: "facing."

Good job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Cause and Effect Essay-A Family of Poverty [5]

Greetings!

I think you're on the right track! Your essay does a good job of explaining the cause and effect of poverty. I have just a few editing suggestions:

I will look into the different causes and effects of my family's poverty

Poverty in my family history is the lack of education and money. The reason of my families poverty stems from lack of education and money. - You appear to have said the same thing twice, here.

None of my grandparents had more than an eighth-grade education.

Due to being in trouble so many times, [add comma] my dad quit school after the eighth grade and was placed in a boys' home.

my dad was earning between $2 and $2.50 an hour

prices on materials and services were on the rise.

As a result of poverty, [add comma] my parents divorced and my family's life was fragmented.

Good job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Dissertations / Business Management / Databases topics [15]

Greetings!

I'm the first to admit that I don't know a lot about databases, per se. However, I do know that whatever sort of database one is using to find whatever sort of information, the proper search terms can be invaluable. I have found something as simple as putting a phrase in quotation marks--or taking it out!--can make all the difference as to whether my search comes up empty-handed or not.

Anyone with more knowledge about databases is welcome to chime in!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Dissertations / Business Management / Databases topics [15]

Greetings!

This is a very good question! As someone who is self-employed, I can certainly relate; one must have a certain amount of discipline in order to work effectively at home. Probably the most helpful thing you can do for yourself, whether you are balancing a job with family and school, or just trying to work from home, is to set some ground rules, or a schedule. If you have kids, a big wall calendar, so that everyone knows who has what event when, can be extremely helpful, too.

More tips from members are welcome!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Feedback wanted for the first essay I've written in 16 years!! GULP [2]

Greetings!

We always try to be gentle here! And, the truth is, you've written a really delightful essay! I like your lighthearted tone; you paint a good picture of the events. I'll just make a few suggestions. Words I have added or corrected will be in bold:

If I had decided to do either of these things, this particular camping trip would have gone better than the story I am about to tell you.

The first night in our tent was not a pleasant experience at all. From the moment we lay down I knew that I would not get any sleep this night. Finally after a hectic day, I managed to relax and was ready for a good night of sleep. Wanting the experience of true campers, we had decided we would not bring anything remotely comfortable to lie on. And because our sleeping bags were at least a good quarter inch thick, after a few hours I almost didn't mind the roots of the tree digging into my back... [I'm not sure if that's what you meant; the last two sentences did not make sense, as written.]

My prayers went unanswered [I'd delete "once again." It will be funnier.]

Very enjoyable! Good job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Brave New World- Huxley's message? [2]

Greetings!

I think your essay is very good! I'll just make a few editing suggestions and comments.

it will become the utopia depicted in the book. - I just want to make sure you understand the term "utopia." It was originally coined by Sir Thomas More for his book of the same name; it comes from the Greek for "nowhere" and is used to describe an imaginary place which is considered perfect or ideal. So, when you describe the people in Brave New World as "utopians," you must mean it in an ironic way, that is, their society is supposedly utopian, but actually is just the opposite. Therefore, you might want to put the word "utopia" in quotes the first time you use it, to indicate that you realize you are using the word in a non-standard, ironic way.

From the point these utopians were fertilized embryos, [add comma] their lives were already planned out for them.

These were [not This was] the standards of the utopia and they were [not it was] strict.

People need to start becoming aware of what is going in the world and start taking [delete a] steps to help.

Brave New World clearly depicts a futuristic world where all has gone haywire and to prevent our own society from becoming that "utopia," we need to take a part and start helping. - your last phrase is a little vague: take what part? help how?

I think by focusing solely on the advancements in technology as the culprits in the story, you may be missing the point a little. It is not technology itself which is the problem; it is people's blind obedience to authority, and their willingness to turn their own free will over to someone else--in this case, the state. You might want to add something to that effect to your analysis. :-)

Good job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / How we may cause natural events to happen - an essay [12]

Greetings!

I agree that it is intriguing and that studying it could only prove interesting and useful. Where I depart from your logic is that one can view the inner workings of one's own mind "quite objectively." By their very definition, one's thoughts can never really be said to be "objective." Again, we get into definitions. To look at something "objectively" means "not influenced by personal feelings, interpretations, or prejudice; dealing with things external to the mind rather than with thoughts or feelings; belonging to the object of thought rather than to the thinking subject."

Now, having said that, that is a quite different thing from saying that you can show something to be "true." If you "observe" something to be "true," then, for you, it is "true," is it not? I find that a fascinating distinction--that something might be "true" and yet not be a verifiable "fact"!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Grammar, Usage / Difference between Affect and Effect? Grammar [3]

Greetings!

That's an excellent question! Many people find this confusing. The probem is, there are actually four different meanings for these two different words! Let's take the two most common first.

"Affect" with the accent on the second syllable (a-FECT) means "to have an influence on," as in "Turning the assignment in late did not affect John's grade." Now then, when something has an affect on something else, it creates "an effect." Therefore, "The effect of turning the assignment in late was minimal." As you can see, when used this way, "affect" is a verb and "effect" is a noun.

Just to complicate things, "affect" can also be a noun; fortunately, this is usually in a social science context; it is used to describe a person's appearance: "The patient's affect was flat." You probably will not need to use the word this way, unless you are studying psychology. And, naturally, because it wouldn't be English if it didn't have exceptions, "effect" can also be a verb: "The committee wishes to effect a change in its procedures." Here, "effect" means "to change."

Having said all that, for most purposes, you will use "affect" as a verb ("that will not affect me") and "effect" as a noun ("the effect will be positive").

Does that clear things up? :-))

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Response to "brave new world" by Danial [2]

Greetings!

You've written a good essay. I have just a few edting suggestions:

As seen in the book, [add comma] John, [add comma] the savage, [add comma] commits suicide after taking soma and doesn't make Bernard Marx and any happier with himself. - Read this sentence carefully; the ending doesn't make sense. Perhaps "and" is not supposed to be there?

These drugs leaves its users vulnerable to government propaganda. Are you speaking of one drug or more? Your subject and verb must agree: "These drugs leave their users" or "This drug leaves its users."

Even in today's [add apostrophe] world, [add comma] clinically tested antidepressants are being supplied to many bewildered minds that take [delete s] as much as what is offered to them by the state. - This strikes me as a bit of an exaggeration. What country are you in? Is it really "the state" which supplies drugs? Is it not private physicians who prescribe the drug?

These are a rank bound people taught to be consumerists, loveless, and deprived of knowledge and ideas - I'm afraid I don't quite understand this; a "rank bound people"?

The Brave New Worlders are deprived of their [not there] freedom in fear of going against the state.

This reminds us of our present-day world where biased media outlets controlled by the government are brainwashing people into supporting their cause and censorship of anything that may cause rebellion. - I made a few corrections; but, again, this sounds a bit "over the top" to me. What totalitarian regime are you living in? ;-))

Such a Utopian society's efforts may be in hope of building a better world, yet it sacrifices many aspects of humanity. The very lack of these things [what things?] are used to create utopian society, yet fall over themselves because without them there is no real utopia. It seems that Huxley has created a paradox which our own society resembles. - I made a few corrections. I think you need to be more specific about "these things."

Even when expressing strong opinions--perhaps especially when doing so--it is important not to exaggerate, because it weakens your argument to say something which is not reasonably based in fact. You've got a good start here, though!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Scholarship / the Art Institute of Seattle, Scholarship essay statement? [4]

Greetings!

I think you are off to a very good start! I do think, though that phrases such as "trying to excel my talent" weaken your case a little. Saying "to improve my skills" would be stronger. Also, I think you need to be a little more specific about what your "talent" is. Can you speak of it in more artistic terms? What do you do with Photoshop and Flash? Does your style involve use of geographic forms? interplay of light and shadow? use of hidden metaphorical references? See if you can analyze yourself a little more closely to make yourself stand out as unique. That's really what it's all about--why are you more deserving than the next person? What makes you unusually talented? Perhaps you could describe one or two of the examples which appear on that website (if you have room) in case they can't be bothered to go look; tell why you feel they demonstrate your unique talent.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / How we may cause natural events to happen - an essay [12]

Greetings!

As with most things, it depends how you define your terms! Science can be defined as a systematic study of the physical world as understood through observation and experimentation. Where, then, does that leave, for example, psychology, which involves more than mere chemical or electrical impulses of the brain? We may then want to expand our definition to include the theoretical explanation of phenomena -- a much broader view. I have no problem with including things which are not yet "hard facts" under the penumbra of "science." My only problem is with assuming something to be a "fact" which cannot be proven to be true. Therefore, I would certainly agree that these subjects which are of interest to you deserve study in a "Theory of Knowledge" sort of course. My caveat would be that they cannot be presented as "facts" per se; that is, to say something to the effect of "there are four levels of existence" as if it could be proven in a laboratory, rather than saying "this [name of philosophy, school of thought, or whatever] holds that there are four levels of existence..." This is why there is such heated debate in the U.S. about teaching Darwinian evolution vs. teaching "creationism" or "intelligent design." To the person for whom the Bible contains literal "fact" as they see it, their own views are as meritorious of inclusion in a science class as those which teach Darwinism. But, if we confine our definition of a "fact" to something which can be scientifically proven, without relying on faith, that argument must fail. So, as with so many things, it comes down to the definition.

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Eastern thought - an introduction in three parts [24]

Thanks! She lived a good life; seven years, as is average for a ferret. I still miss her, after 13 years. :-)

Writing Feedback / Eastern thought - an introduction in three parts [24]

Greetings!

I have a feeling that won't be a problem for you; you seem very focused to me. :-)

Sarah

Writing Feedback / Childhood memory by anthony qcity [2]

Greetings!

What a great story! Your writing is very colorful and engaging. I particularly like the metaphor about the bomb squad!

Here are a few editing tips:

while Kenya [delete comma] and Jennifer were behind me,

He [not Him] and Kenya helped me "hop" to my house.

He was so concerned about me that he picked me up, and carried me to the weighting room - You said "he picked me up" in the previous sentence, so I'd delete the second instance; also, it's "waiting room" (however appropriate the reference to "weight" might seem. ;-))

Good job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Running Backs: Training and Knowledge to become Successful. [4]

Greetings!

I agree, you've written a good essay! I have just a few suggestions:

These players did not come on the teams they are on easily. - This sentence could be improved; how about "These players did not achieve a place on their teams easily."

The pain in the legs can hurt a lot but, it is important not to quit. Quitting only proves that you are a loser. Rehab can always heal the pain. - I'm sorry, but I have to take exception to this. Pain is the body's way of telling you there's something wrong. If you have pain and just ignore it, you are almost guaranteed a worse injury. Rehab cannot always heal pain; some pain becomes chronic. In that instance, quitting would not make you a loser; quitting would be mandatory. Quitting makes you a "loser" only when you quit for the wrong reasons; a serious injury is not the wrong reason.

or else he will be talked hard in the back field. - I have no idea what this means. :-)

Good job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Summary of a childhood experience [2]

Greetings!

The details really make the story! It's a great essay; I have just a few editing tips:

I had previously noticed that the cup had a fracture in it, but I never thought that it was going to be a big problem.

The screaming woke up my 23-year-old sister Shana. She ran downstairs to see my hand bleeding profusely.

they agreed that they could operate at that moment. [or "right then"]

Very good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / How we may cause natural events to happen - an essay [12]

Greetings!

...and that's an interesting point you make: "unless one can experience these extraordinary results." Have we not all experienced something that could not be explained by science alone? I know I have. Does it mean I have "psychic abilities"? No, not at all. I suppose that is one explanation; another would be that I was using my ordinary five senses, or some of them, and discerned something with them that I did not realize. For example, a favorite pet of mine ran away; the next day, I "heard" a voice (in my head--that is, my own thoughts) say "Go open the front door and let [the pet] in." And there she was, on the front porch, happily waiting for me. Perhaps she made a sound I did not think I heard; perhaps she was communicating with me in some way science cannot yet measure. The possibilities are endless. But because of events like this, I would never say, "If I can't see it, I don't believe in it." :-))

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Eastern thought - an introduction in three parts [24]

Greetings!

Thank you for the compliment on my writing. :-) I agree that it is very important not to lose sight of what you wish to convey; that would defeat the whole purpose, wouldn't it? :-))

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / How we may cause natural events to happen - an essay [12]

Greetings!

It seems it is not possible to discuss things of this nature without making some underlying assumptions--for example, defining the "higher constituents of nature's elements." One must be willing to accept that things are a certain way, and not another, in order to even begin the learning process; would you agree? And by "things" I am referring to things which cannot be seen or proven by scientific inquiry. So...does that not make them faith-based?

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Should Southerners be consider their own ethnic group? Essay [2]

Greetings!

If I understand you correctly, you're wanting help writing a thesis statement? If so, you might approach it like this: John Shelton Reed's contention that Southerners should be considered an ethnic group is well supported by the facts: they are less likely to be educated, more likely to live in rural areas, and, although not typically identifiable as Southerners by name or appearance, distinguish their ethnicity through their Southern accents.

Does this help?

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com (a well-educated Southerner--with no accent ;-))

Book Reports / Grapes of Wrath essay correction [7]

Greetings!

Sorry, I couldn't get to you before the essay was due, but I think you did an excellent job!

Good luck!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Thesis statements on global warming? [26]

Greetings!

I think the words "thesis statement" strike fear into the hearts of many students! It's not that hard, really! Think of it as a "topic sentence"--does that sound less intimidating? :-))

Your thesis statement presents the subject of your essay or research paper; more than that, though, it presents an argument. Here is an example: "After years of scientific wrangling over the existence of global warming, experts are now in agreement that the problem presents a major risk for the future of our planet." Do you see how I not only introduced the subject of global warming, but also took a position, i.e., that global warming is a real threat? One could also take the other side: "Despite years of attempts by scientists and the liberal media to cause worldwide panic on the subject, no credible evidence exists that global warming poses a real threat." (Just for the record, I totally made that up. ;=))

Give it a go and see what you come up with! You can do it!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Vocabulary Composition on Soccer [2]

Greetings!

What a delightful essay! I love your analysis of soccer and its relationship to politics. Your vocabulary words are right on target! I have just a few editing tips:

But if my father's commentating of soccer games has taught me anything, - Better would be "commentating on" or, you could say "my father's soccer commentary."

It wasn't until recently that my curiosity for the sport began to peak.

My first encounter with what lied beyond the basics of the sport was understanding hooliganism. - the verb "to lie" has to be one of the most misunderstood verbs in the English language! To make the past tense, as you want here, say "lay," i.e., "what lay beyond the basics." (Or, you could even use the present tense and say "lies beyond.") Here are some examples, used in ways that are often mis-conjugated: "I went to the bedroom to lie [not "lay"] down." "Last night, I lay [not "laid"] in bed awake for hours." "I don't know how long I had lain [not "laid"] there."

It's been more than 180 years since Brazil got its [no apostrophe] independence from Portugal. The funny thing is that they still feel that they're [not "their"] in a Colony versus Colonizer situation.

Colo-Colo, on the other hand, [add commas] is a private club

I hold that, till this day, [add commas] as more than a specious argument. - Just checking: you meant to say that you believe her argument has merit? Because if it is more than specious, then it has at least some merit.

burn their portrayal of soccer in people's minds [add "s"]

Really good job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Expository Essay: Important holidays for me [3]

Greetings!

Congratulations on working towards your G.E.D.! I think you've done a fine job with your essay--particularly impressive if it is mostly fiction! I agree with Blue that the conclusion could use a bit of pumping up. Paragraphs should generally have a minimum of three sentences. When you summarize the thesis statement, don't use the same words as in the opening, and try to make it a little more colorful. For instance, you could say, "The joy of family and friends coming together to celebrate these three holidays is what makes them particularly special for me."

Good job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com