Undergraduate / "What about spaghetti?" Is this a good start? USC personal statement [7]

try not to use the word weird

Undergraduate / "Be yourself; everyone else is already taken" - Chicago Essay [6]

Okay, first off, I would like to say that this topic is a bit cliche, in my opinion. Thousands of other applicants have written essays similar to this: they write about helping the society, and oh I was captivated by a doctor who saved this girl's life, etc etc

how would you stand out?

Undergraduate / Patriots pen - 'The sun has risen all over America, lighting both my world and my heart' [4]

Moderators, this person is copying my essay! stop copying my essay. you copied my essay!

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

Yes, this was definitely a worthwhile experience. Nevertheless, I would still like to work on my grammar and overall writing structure, even though my essay is already submitted. I feel that my writing skills need to be improved, so if you have the time, could you please provide a QUICK (I don't want to take up your time) revision? I would like to see where I need to improve and build up on there.

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

I have had my parents look at it and two teachers. I didn't want to give to my friends because they might have wanted to participate in the competition and I don't have any other teachers. Unfortunately, my parents wanted to get over it and already told me to submit it. Alas, I had to follow their wishes and I submitted it today.Yet, I was hoping if you can give some of your opinions and critique on the score that I was receive.

Thank you so much for your help.

Undergraduate / Oh! The Places that Fate Will Take You---Peace Corps Application Essay #1 [2]

I want to serve as a Peace Corp volunteer I want to direct my energy towards something that has a greater consequence. This is 2 sentences in one.

It is the path that I have wanted to walk since I volunteered in Ecuador and the Peace Corps will lead to the life that I am dreaming of. This should be separated into 2 different sentences.

I am a believer in the concept of fate.

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

hey guys I am about to turn this essay in tomorrow. I hope that you can critique it and give it an overall score out of 100 points based on the following criteria:

Knowledge of the theme is worth 30 points: You must show a thorough knowledge of the theme in your work. Demonstrate you have researched the issue extensively.

10

Theme development is worth 35 points: Answer all relevant facts about the theme such as the who, what, where, when and why. Relate the theme to your own experiences.

15

Clarity of ideas is worth 35 points: Write your essay in an easy-to-understand format. Leave your reader with a clear understanding of your explanation of the theme.

15

Grammar, Usage / Does this sentence make sense? "Life is something so immaculate..." [8]

Shalah: I think this would be better. "Life is something so immaculate to the human brain that not even the smartest man in the world can figure it out"

Writing Feedback / 'fair government' - Patriot's Pen - Essay bout founding fathers and America [2]

Hello, thanks for commenting on my PAtriot's Pen essay. I'll provide a few comments on yours. If you see something in blue, that means add. Red means correct.

In some countries, (comma after countries) children aren't even able to go to school, because of the bad politics and the foundation of their country.

Okay, look here. You shift from past tense (woke) to present (hear)

For example, I woke up this morning and got ready for school just like I would any other day. I didn't have the fear of being killed or having someone threaten us in our home. In some countries children aren't even able to go to school, because of the bad politics and foundation of their country.

On the news, I hear how people in other places around the world are being abused and humiliated because they want to have their part as in who should be leading their country. I thank my founding fathers for giving us the freedom of speech, the freedom of press, as well as the right to assemble and petition the government

I think that it is a bit weak. You need to implement more creativity into your essay. But overall, great essay!

Undergraduate / 'different racial background' - Common App Choose an Issue of Importance [6]

@Rebecca, Oh yeah, I didn't catch that one.

Jeffrey, it's not a weak topic for the prompt. It is actually a nice essay; I think that that if fits the prompt fairly well. You addressed an issue of importance to you: we have to be thankful for what we have. But if you are applying to the Ivies, you really have to step it up [i]a lot.[i]

Undergraduate / 'different racial background' - Common App Choose an Issue of Importance [6]

Well, it really depends on the college you are applying to. If it is competitive, then you want your essay to be unique. Do you know how many people write about "the kids less fortunate in Africa" and blablabla. Write about something unique that no one else will think of. The AO's have read this 15,000 times. After they have read this essay, it will be 15,001 times. Also, try to step it up a bit on your word choice and higher level vocab. It is okay I guess, but I would maybe attempt to add some pizzazz into it.

Here are a few grammar mistakes that I caught. Red means add. Blue means delete.
I still vividly remember the first time I saw my friend smell the food served in the cafeteria and say, "Ewww, this smells like puke. " andHe proceeded to throw away his untouched meal into the trash can

Children are crying in the grocery store because their mom or dad did not buy them their favorite cereal overpacked with sugar or the new fancy toy in the aisle. TV advertisements shows about a "Sweet Sixteen" birthday party gone awry when a birthday girl's car seats are pink instead of magenta.

To be living in the most fortunate country in the world, we have to be thankful for every minute for all that we have and stop looking at what we don't have.

Letters / 'interest in the Data entry clerk' cover letter for an entry level position help [5]

perhaps it would be best to put "at your earliest convenience" at the end to show your politeness and courtesy. Maybe Sincerely yours, at the end, I don't know. Sincerely is okay too, I guess, but I like sincerely yours.

The words in red mean that you have to add the phrases. but , I am also diligent and able to multitask in a busy environment and exceed deadlines (correlative conjuction: not only...but also)

or and other -this part seems awkward. Revise.

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

Sorry Michael. Yes I did do it inadvertently, but I applied all the corrections that you made to my essay.

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

yes she did. But she was in a rush so I guess she wasn't really fastidious or hypercritical

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

Thanks Michael and Aspring Writer for your help! Aspiring Writer, the essay that you're looking at is like 100 posts back. When you open the thread, look at the bottom of the page and it will say 1 2 3 4. Go to 4 and scroll to the bottom of the page to see my essay. also, my essay is below

Michael, I asked my writing summer teacher for some critique and she really liked the essay. However, she advised me to change my essay to move all of this:

For no one could have blamed our Founder, Abraham Clark, for relenting to the British request to withdraw his signature from the Declaration, even though the British had offered to take his sons' lives.

For no one could have blamed our Founder, Richard Stockton, for giving in from his incarceration at the feet of British Loyalists.

For these few heroes did not cower away when faced with the seemingly impossible tasks of uniting 12 miniscule colonies, but unwaveringly gave up their lives for the common good.

And so, I thank the men who sacrificed their lives, fortunes, and honor for the well-being of "our one nation under God!"

I thank the men who rose above and beyond their call of duty through great depths of turmoil and depression to "give birth" to our nation!

to in front of this sentence It is a time to reflect on the deep, spiritual leaders who created our nation-and why we get a three-day weekend. Also Aspiring Writer do you think I have a good chance of winning?

Also, Michael do you have any more critique for my essay if not to trouble you?

Thanks for the advice all ：） @aspiring writer, this is my full essay if you haven't seen it. Also, the deadline is drawing closer. Hope we can both win：

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

Thank you Michael. I'll take your advice. I might open another thread and ask for other feedback. Meanwhile, can anyone look at my thread? You can also offer your advice in this thread, Michael F.

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

Another previous Patriot's Pen essay contest almost 1st place (he was 3rd in state) state winner (ie. it goes through your local area, district, state, then national) there are 50 national winners, and he said he really liked my essay and that I had a good chance of winning. So I don't know.

Also, do you think I have related the theme to my experiences adequately or do you think I should provide more experiences?

Essays / What I would tell America's Founding Fathers... essay 300-400 words - how to start? [16]

thank you. But do you think I have a good chance of going to state level? this is my first year in this contest. Thanks for your encouragement :D

Essays / What I would tell America's Founding Fathers... essay 300-400 words - how to start? [16]

thank you. But do you think I have a good chance of going to state level? this is my first year in this contest. Thanks for your encouragement :D

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

Knowledge of the theme is worth 30 points: You must show a thorough knowledge of the theme in your work. Demonstrate you have researched the issue extensively.

10

Theme development is worth 35 points: Answer all relevant facts about the theme such as the who, what, where, when and why. Relate the theme to your own experiences.

15

Clarity of ideas is worth 35 points: Write your essay in an easy-to-understand format. Leave your reader with a clear understanding of your explanation of the theme.

15

Total Poitns: 40

Essays / What I would tell America's Founding Fathers... essay 300-400 words - how to start? [16]

@aspiring writer

Yes I am participating in the contest. Sorry for replying too late, I was on vacation. But yes, it is a pretty difficult contest to win. Which post are you going for? I am in MD.

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

Sorry, Michael, /I was on vacation without internet access. I'll get back as soon as I can. But one thing, can you give me an assessment out of 100 points?

I mean Knowledge of the Theme 30 points or something like that
here is the rubric for your convenience
Knowledge of the theme is worth 30 points: You must show a thorough knowledge of the theme in your work. Demonstrate you have researched the issue extensively.

Theme development is worth 35 points: Answer all relevant facts about the theme such as the who, what, where, when and why. Relate the theme to your own experiences.

Clarity of ideas is worth 35 points: Write your essay in an easy-to-understand format. Leave your reader with a clear understanding of your explanation of the theme.

Total Points: xx/100

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

sorry for my naiveness again, michael, but I was wondering why these sentences had to be fixed:

These few heroes did not cower [How about "retreat"?] away when faced with the seemingly impossible tasks of uniting12 miniscule colonies, but unwaveringly gave up their lives for the common good.

For no one could have blamed our Founder, Abraham Clark, for relenting refusing? to the British's request demand to withdraw remove his signature from the Declaration of Independence, even though they British had offered threatened to take kill his sons' lives.

[Suggestion: "...refused to betray his country and his principles, even if it meant the death of his son."]

For no one could have blamed our Founder, Richard Stockton, for giving in from his incarceration at the feet of British Loyalists.

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

Thanks. I corrected that whole paragraph and added even more pizazz ( well, if one could call it pizazz) :). By the by, I just wanted to thank you so much for sticking with me tooth and nail for this writing contest. You have helped so much and I think my essay has ameliorated so much.

I was wondering if you could possibly offer any suggestions on my ending statement: God Bless America and may your great sacrifice for The Land of the Free and The Home of the Brave never be forgotten! I think the phrase "never be forgotten " is a little awkward. I was thinking of idioms like "bite the dust" or something typical like "fade away."

READ BELOW

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

thank you for the corrections.

their call of duty through great depths of turmoil and depression to form our nation!- I don't know why you want me to revise this sentence. I didn't paraphrase this sentence or the paragraph below:

Many lost their children, wives, and even families. Our Founder, Abraham Clark, was under pressure to give in to the British request to repeal his signature from the Declaration of Independence. The British offered to take his son's lives if he did not accede to their wishes. Imagine the despair in his very heart, the hopelessness in his very soul, as he answered, "No." .

Essays / What I would tell America's Founding Fathers... essay 300-400 words - how to start? [16]

Hmm. the patriot's pen essay contest. 'It's a great contest, 10,000 dollar for national winner. You can write about the contributions that the founders made to our society, like the Declaration and every man is created equal...

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

Oh, I was trying to paraphrase the words, but the "paraphrased words" show through clearly. You're right.
If I can identify the writing, more than likely members of the scholarship committee can too. So use your own words. - It's not really a scholarship commitee; it's more like a nationwide contest. Okay, I'll fix all the sections.

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

Um, I was wondering why you always deleted the word "sacred" in this phrase: lives, fortunes, and sacred honor. It was a phrase that our Founders used: Our Lives, Our Fortunes, Our Sacred Honor"

Student Talk / Hi everyone! Welcome at EssayForum thread. [414]

Well, technically, it depends on how you look at the structure of the essay. An essay can be 300 words or even 100 words. It varies. What kind of essay are you writing? If it's more like a personal essay, the amount of words is more likely to be fewer. A research paper normally contains more words

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

thanks michael. But are you part of an organization called Editors4Writers? I'll post my revised essay soon.

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

michael, you can attach files. When you start your message, do you see the icons- the color red, blue, and green and the bold, italic, indent, symbols. Yeah, look below that and it says attach files. I'll post my draft in 10-25 minutes. Thanks for your critique. I got your email, but you emailed me two attached files, and they were both the same; so I just used one for my draft.

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

yeah, you're right. But you it is summer vacation for me right now, and I am going to be busy in the next few months, so I won't have a lot of time to craft a final draft. So, I will have to use the time I have now.

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

no I didn't craft an outline. Okay, I'll try to use your advice by combining pieces of my previous drafts. I'll post up my next draft later. Thanks for your help

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

Muminkhuja: Thank you. This is for a writing contest I'm participating in and I just wanted someone to check out my grammar.

Michael: You have a good point, but if Congress can force people who don't have health insurance to buy health insurance, then Congress can literally force us to do anything. Agreed?

And Michael, for the white wigged characters, I wasn't referring to their skin color. I was referring to their wigs; ie. their wigs are white.Oh yeah, so how do you think I should address the theme in a better way? I want my theme to be "I will tell the Founder that I will always honoring you" but are you saying that I don't demonstrate that effectively enough? Or I should keep referring to it throughout the essay? I thought I was already referring it throughout the essay by specifying when I should honor the Founders.

Thanks for your critique. I'll post my revised essay as soon as I'm done.

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

Muminkhuja: Thank you. This is for a writing contest I'm participating in and I just wanted someone to check out my grammar.
Michael: You have a good point, but if Congress can force people who don't have health insurance to buy health insurance, then Congress can literally force us to do anything. Agreed?

Oh yeah, so how do you think I should address the theme in a better way? I want my theme to be "I will tell the Founder that I will always honoring you" but are you saying that I don't demonstrate that effectively enough? Or I should keep referring to it throughout the essay? I thought I was already referring it throughout the essay by specifying when I should honor the Founders.

Thanks for your critique. I'll post my revised essay as soon as I'm done.

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

will always honor the men who risked their lives. To honor the people who risked their fortunes. And to honor the people who risked their sacred honor for The Home of the Brave and The Land of the Free.

Here I was referring to the Founding Fathers because our Founding Fathers risked their lives, fortunes, and honor by signing the Declaration and declaring war.

the most powerful country in the world. Also, why does this need revision?

Research Papers / Research Question: What are the ways how to reduce unemployment? [7]

yeah sorry. Now when I open the website it is broken for me too. Here go to this website a lot of good choices I have checked if it works too :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS- factors for teenagers to commit a crime [5]

What is the maximum score for the IELTS? If you can tell me, then I will be able to give you a band score. I would give it a 85 out of 100

Research Papers / Research Question: What are the ways how to reduce unemployment? [7]

google "what are some ways to reduce unemployment: and there are a lot of choices here is one website I found: washingtontimes.com/news/2009/sep/27/solutions-what-should- be-done-reduce-unemployment/

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

Take your time, Michael. Do you think the essay is better though? The requirements told us to use quotations sparingly, so that was why I only used one quote. Also, I already have 397 words, and the maximum is 400. Somehow, I think the essay is a little worse than the last one, even though I did not change anything at all. Can you provide an assessment? sorry to trouble you