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Posts by KhanhZ
Joined: Jul 9, 2012		 Last Post: Jul 30, 2014
Threads: 5
Posts: 131  
From: Viet Nam

Displayed posts: 136 / page 3 of 4
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KhanhZ   
Jul 31, 2012
Undergraduate / "Strenght lies in differences, not in similarities" - International Student [26]

Bonjour, Lea)
Welcome to essayforum.com)
I'm not a native speaker unfortynately, but I think my 12 years study of English could help you.) What college are u applying? Maybe we could meet someday.

Nothing original n or interesting extraordinary

For 4 years, we traveled around the globe; from Rio de Janeiro to Noumea,(add 1 more) from X to Y -- but I felt like a stranger ,I was alwaysthe a kid from far away. Every time we'd move somewhere, I had to adjust to my new environment. At first, I could only watch and learn from others, because I couldn't speak any wordsanything of the languages of the countries I've beenI was facing and it made me realize that ...

... learnted about their culture and beliefs.

boeuf bourguignon (don't forget to use italics for foreign words) .

I looked around and realized how sad I was. .

As a matter of fact, I might be an eighteen years old white girl from a middle-class family , living in the suburbs of a big city and from an middle-class family ,bu t it doesn't truly define who I am

I never understood its(what? ) importance until I had to live with people different from me but today,

As it is has always beena thrivea joy for me to experience a part of a new culture and share my own, I am looking forward to meet students from a wide range of backgrounds and learn about their diversity.(I think you should some other word, not diversity )

I think your essay is good, but I believe it would be more vibrant if you added more details about your experiences with different cultures.
KhanhZ   
Jul 31, 2012
Undergraduate / 'the circumstances' - Bump in the Road Essay for UCF [2]

Hi, Ryan)

what is the word limit for this question? I think your essay is too short for this kind of question and I can't see a connection between this punishment and increase in your academic productivity. Why did this incident affected you? What were your realizations? Expand on that.

During my junior year at Steinbrenner High School, a couple of my friends and I decided to make the decision to go to our school after hours.(what for? ) While we were there, silent alarms activated and we had some trouble to deal withand the school guard hastily came and caught us . We did not get arrestedwere not sent into detention , but had to do a lot of community service instead . I had to write several essays(letters maybe? ) to my parents and to the school, apologizing for my actions.

... I am glad this happened though because I was starting to slip in school.

KhanhZ   
Jul 31, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Drinking teens' - UT Austin Admission Essay - Issue (Alcohol) [6]

And you can name your essay : "Modern Reign of Dionysus"
You can start your essay differently like this for example:
"Drink or not to drink ?" I asked myself, looking at my partying friends, who were not reluctant to indulge in some alcohol. "Hey, Sam, don't be a bore, take a drink !" I picked a can of beer, drew it near my mouth and made a small gulp. It tasted bitter. "What's the point of this? What do you want to prove with this?" I asked my friends. They looked at me with confusion. "ahh... It's cool."

I think something like that would be more catchy.
KhanhZ   
Jul 31, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Drinking teens' - UT Austin Admission Essay - Issue (Alcohol) [6]

Sam, you can still add more details about your friend and father, not just one additional sentence. You can write about your experience with alcohol. You can as well try to expand conclusion, maybe write what you will/ want to do to change that attitude towards alcohol in teenagers' minds. As I said before, your essay should show how alcoholism touches your life.

Now I've noticed that you write about your father, while your essay is mostly about teen alcoholism. You need to work over that too.
KhanhZ   
Jul 30, 2012
Undergraduate / Children - Common App Essay "Identity and Motivation" [3]

Hi, Laura)

your essay has a potential to be very good, but there are sentences that (for me ) were kinda unclear and some sentences didn't connect to each other well enough. So try to revise your essay more.
KhanhZ   
Jul 30, 2012
Undergraduate / 'this wisdom and lesson' - Discuss a personal crucial relationship you have had [3]

Hi, Arthur)
what is the exact question? Do you need to write about the lesson you have learned from having a certain relationship?
From what I've read in your essay, you mostly write about your relationship with Sophie and a few sentences in the final para about lessons you learned. If the question is mainly about the lesson, then you definitely need to expand the last para and shorten the middle one.
KhanhZ   
Jul 30, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Drinking teens' - UT Austin Admission Essay - Issue (Alcohol) [6]

Hi,Sam)
Your essay is ok, but you'd better add more deeper personal details in the parts about your friend and your father, add some direct speech. Write for example how your father's alcoholism degraded your family, how your friend's alcoholism affected your relations with him etc.. For now, your essay doesn't feel strong enough, it doesn't impact the readers strongly.
KhanhZ   
Jul 30, 2012
Undergraduate / 'My previous ventures and achievements' - why business major [2]

Hi)
I think your essay is quite well done and answers the question fully.

To ask 'how do you know what major to study?' is like asking 'how do you know which onewhom to marry?

You just simply know it, and sometimes, it can be as simple as that and that's all you need

My past experiences, although minor(I think it's not that minor ),

KhanhZ   
Jul 24, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Homophobia Essay' UT Choose an issue of importance to you... [3]

you are using the word " homophobia" and "bullying " too often. Try to replace them with other synonyms.
I'd suggest a different introductory sentence, something like -- " (some mild offense)" , (some guy's name) mockingly called Cori, the first homosexually-oriented person I had ever met, but most importantly -- my friend.and probably start the introduction differently.

do You want to connect homophobia to psychology or to explain homophobia in terms of psychology?
KhanhZ   
Jul 22, 2012
Undergraduate / Rutgers Essay: My First Computer [4]

I think your essay is on topic, you just need to expand it - explore how your affinity to computer affected your life etc. , dig deeper.
KhanhZ   
Jul 22, 2012
Undergraduate / Rutgers Essay: My First Computer [4]

Hi Ryan)

I had no idea what to expect. "From: Uncle Junho." ...

- this a catchy sentence .

And I think you should expand your essay.

I would spend countless hours in front of the computer searching away anything the internet had to offer.

Add more detail and depth to this part.
KhanhZ   
Jul 17, 2012
Undergraduate / 'finding delight in activities I endeavor' -How would you benefit the community? [17]

How about this intro?

"Bad, sit down." the teacher said. That was in primary school, when I didn't do my homework willingly for the third time and when I experienced the consequences of irresponsibility on my own childish hide. Since that incident the teacher didn't ask me for a long time... But then, she asked me again:

"Are you prepared?"
"Yes " I replied.
"Well, I don't trust you, but OK, give it a try."
And I answered well.

"Responsibility is a burden, but a burden that sprouts trust." -that's what I deduced. And now people who rely on me can rest assured a priori - if I take something up, I finish it.

I have the same responsible approach to my hobbies -- I don't delve into everything simultaneously; each of my hobbies counts: they are base - a base that supports the three pillars my personality thrust on.
KhanhZ   
Jul 17, 2012
Writing Feedback / Understanding the Pull-Essay about food addiction versus drug addiction [2]

Hi, Shelby

Your paper is quite long, so I only had time to read the first para.

Unfortunately In primal times , providing oneself with rich sources of fats, sugars, and salts was a luxury. However, nowadays These food products are is in profusion and readily available today and a high delicacy for the body to satisfy our glutton.

Because of this, overeating has become a big problem.

never start a sentence with because, connect this sentence with previous one

I have advanced a hypothesis which assumes that a possible explanation for overeating is that processed foods with high concentrations of addictive substances like sugar and other refined sweeteners , refined carbohydrates, fat, salt and caffeine are addictive substances that reside in food products.

Therefore, many people lose control over their ability to regulate regulation of their food consumption of such foods" (Ifland). Through my research, I have come to find that food addiction has actually become quite a large problem and directly correlates to the increase of people having obesity, diabetes and other weight-related medical conditions in our country, and around the world. Food addiction, or the "pull" for foods containing these potent substances affects the brain in a physiological and psychological ways, very similarly to a drug addiction.

I'll continue later on
KhanhZ   
Jul 15, 2012
Undergraduate / 'finding delight in activities I endeavor' -How would you benefit the community? [17]

thanks again for your attention, Ahmad)

my emphasis was that I could've had a brown belt, but I had to leave. Do I really need to add in my essay why I had to leave?(its not that important, I just wrote "Had i left Russia for Vietnam a bit earlier" to provide the reason I didn't have time to pass the exam for brown belt)the colors won't confuse the reader, because i think it's understandable from context that brown is above blue .( and I think for most people it has already become a preconception that in any martial art a black belt is the highest in rank)

I revised the last part of karate paragraph to show what I exactly mean:
It was hard to find a good karate section in my homeland, so I changed sections a lot and even now I'm not fully satisfied with my master. And for three years I have borne a blue belt, instead of a brown. And yet for three years I kept training, while many, to whom getting a black belt is the main priority, could've stopped, discouraged by the delay.

I wanted to sound confident by writing " absolutely" so I maybe i;ll write " I will"; and that is not my whole conclusion, just don't know what to add
KhanhZ   
Jul 15, 2012
Undergraduate / 'finding delight in activities I endeavor' -How would you benefit the community? [17]

Thanks Ahmad)
But the thing I don't agree with you is:
"Had I left Russia for Vietnam a bit latter, I could have had a brown belt," "Had" standing before a sentence that is not a question is OK in this kind of structure

I left Russia, because my parents faced some financial problems so they decided to return to Vietnam.

the question was actually :How would you contribute the community of "XXX university "?
KhanhZ   
Jul 15, 2012
Undergraduate / 'finding delight in activities I endeavor' -How would you benefit the community? [17]

So hello again, users of EssayForum. I need some feedback on my essay, and if there are any mistakes feel free to correct them. And I would be pleased to see some suggestions of how to conclude better.)

How would you benefit the community? I've got 524 words. the limit is 500.

Four Pillars.

Being very considerate naturaly, I don't undertake numerous activities at the same time - I choose wisely and responsibly. People who rely on me can always be rest assured a priori - if I take up something, I finish it. My contribution to the richness of community lies within my interests and my approach to them.

I don't have an expansive array of hobbies; I rather make each hobby I engage in count. I consider my 4 main hobbies to be a square base, because all act as a support to my 4 traits, 4 pillars that my personality thrust on.

The first pillar is perseverance. My devotion to Karate, tempered by 8 years of practice, represents that. My training was full of pain: splitting ups, being punched in the face, straining muscles. But even this isn't the most important thing. Had I left Russia for Vietnam a bit latter, I could have had a brown belt, but time was pressing and I had to go. It was hard to find a good karate section in my homeland -- even now I'm not fully satisfied with my current master. I changed sections a lot. And for 3 years I have borne a blue belt, instead of a brown. Yet I still kept training. For me karate was more substantial than for many other practitioners, to whom getting a black belt as soon as possible is the main goal.

The second pillar - patience. Origami represents it. I don't even want to tell you how frustrating is refolding repeatedly a 500 hundred step figure, having paper torn just before you complete or realizing that the paper you used was too small when it is too late. At first the aforementioned made me crazy - I thought often that I would never fold the same figure again. But I did. Patiently... until the figure was finished.

The third pillar - creativity. Drawing was my obsession from an early age. I started with just copying robots I saw in cartoons, pictures of warriors from books I read. Gradually, I got a hang of it. My sister, a designer, taught me some basics of setting up compositions and body construction as well. Having never studied in any art school, I read graphic novels, followed sites like deviantart.com to see how different artists apply various techniques in their works. With my abilities being recognized, in both schools I was tasked with making banners and placards which received credit.

And the final pillar - risk taking. May sound hilarious to you, but, yes, cooking, one of my late endeavors, is risk taking for me. I admit, not everything that my hands concoct could be labeled "Bellissimo, Molto Gustoso!", but I try to improve my skills anyway. The main problem you face when acquainting yourself with cooking is fear - fear of messing things up. However, when I overcame that feeling, cooking has become a bliss: when I succeed, I feel overly self-satisfied with seeing people devouring my food - I realize the risk was justified.

I believe my life within community would bring some diversity to it; maybe, even help others to find delight in activities I endeavor.
KhanhZ   
Jul 15, 2012
Undergraduate / 'bustling city life - piano' - Questbrdge National College Match [3]

I reread your essay and found some issues I haven't noticed before

But as luck would have it, I would havehad to fight for my passion.

Due to our tight budget, I left for the United States without the piano that had accompanied me for over ten years; missing it desperately,I struggled to let go of my depression without it

(If you didn't use my correction ,then you mean you used music as means of letting go depression?)
But yet you write" missing it desperately", so it means the depression is caused by not having piano. Can you make it clear to me?

my parents' once happy union became anything but united as they argued more frequently.

union being united is redundant

Nobody said that moving to the United States would be easy

this sentence is kinda out of place

Having grown up in a city, I enjoy the ...

this part feels disconnected with the preceding. Try to throw some transitional sentence

Wait, I'm confused. In previous essay you wrote that you moved from China to US, now you write you moved from a city to town in US

Attending choir was expensive. How could I turn to my parents who were also struggling to earn a living for the family?

attending choir required money and so I faced a monetary dilemma: How could I turn to my parents who were also struggling to earn a living for the family?Although I meticulously counted the money that I earned from tutoring and the cafeteria job, the sum stayed the same-one hundred dollars and fifty cents total, no moreThe answer was obvious -- I had to work myself .[/quote]

My nice neighbors, Auntie Aida and Rose, realizing my concerns, aided me with money by offering me a kitchen-cleaning job despite havingthe tight budget themselvesto tighten the stomachs themselves .

The pace was grueling; my leg muscles screamed out for rest, but I promised myself not toshall not give way.

The latter paragraphs are better with added direct speech, but the first paragraph now is more messy. . I've noticed more mistakes with articles and tenses. Don't rush, try to revise meticulously. And you don't need to say "please", I'll help you.

For now, invest more time in your first para, take notice of my comments and make the sentences flow with each other more smoothly, OK?))

.
KhanhZ   
Jul 14, 2012
Undergraduate / 'bustling city life - piano' - Questbrdge National College Match [3]

Hi again, Laura)
Please next time, make some indentation between paragraphs, because the text kinda fuses, making it hard to follow.

From the very first moment I satof sitting on the piano bench and toucheding the black-and-white keys

Having grown up in a city, I enjoy the irresistible

If this essay is for the same university you better replace some words, because they kinda echo from the previous one

My parents were forced to start their lives from scratch . My once amicable dad grew grumpy as he struggled to find a job ; my parents' once happy union became anything but united as they argued more frequently

I wentmoved without the piano

I missed it desperately and struggled withto let go of my depression of not having it

.

Being selected into Women's Ensemble helped me to regain self-esteem

Serious progression (progression is a term from math) in singing didn't happen overnight,

I soon enlisted in my own choir training boot camp(boot camp?A training camp for military recruits? )

I shouldered at home such as helping my parents to pay bills

accompanying Dad to the auto-shop as an interpreter did not

if this essay is not for the same uni then it will be confusing

music has transported me to another realm(maybe elevated me to another level of existence ) in which I am filled with enthusiasm and positive energy.

as with the your previous essay, I think this one is good.
KhanhZ   
Jul 14, 2012
Student Talk / The aim of life [56]

THE ANSWER: Don't be fixated on your failures. You learn from them, you carry on.( how much do I need to tell you it?)

Ahmad, there is nothing left to talk about in this thread. You either do what we suggested or do whatever you want. The choice is ultimately yours.
KhanhZ   
Jul 12, 2012
Undergraduate / "Hitting Walls" - my comm app essay for question # 3 for 2013 admission [17]

KhanhZ:
There were so many instances that I can't bother you with cataloging them all. So I'll dissect them . However , the influence of my mother that manifested through all those occurrences wasn't pleasant to me. It could have gone one way: I could've become self-conscious and more reserved. But instead I shuffled a bad hand to my favor.

however wouldn't make sense, because the influence was unpleasant

except for that, I really appreciate your help, Dumi))

Kinda hard to reconsider your own essay objectively, when you get attached to it.
KhanhZ   
Jul 12, 2012
Writing Feedback / Where do communal responsibility and individual responsibility begin and end? [6]

greetings, Denzel

Are stydying psychology?

So in order to find where communal responsibility begin, one must first find out where individual responsibility and selfishness ends.

I like this sentence, BUT it doesn't work with the previous one

We occasionally want to help our neighbors but because of skepticism we are afraid that they might not honestly need the help.

in this sentence you don't really talk about our selfishness, but rather our hesitation. and the sentence itself is messy in the end "but because of skepticism we are afraid that they might not honestly need the help "

but the criticism we are afraid to receive from those who we help restrains us from helping.

my opinion on this topic is that individual and communal responsibilities are often set by both family and cultural traditions.Those responsibilities might look different at first glance, while actually being tied to each other firmly. Individual responsibility starts with not escaping judgement and .accepting your social duties and the responsibility for the consequences of your actions. But this is directly tied to communal responsibility, because your actions quite often affect others and your duty is not to make harm. So it's really hard to define where is all starts,

I think you should explore the hidden connections of individual choices that eventually affect other people and etc.
KhanhZ   
Jul 11, 2012
Student Talk / The aim of life [56]

Of course USA might be out of reach, but I think New Zealand , Japan , South Korea are some of the options available for you. If you are good enough you may earn decently in those countries
KhanhZ   
Jul 11, 2012
Student Talk / The aim of life [56]

Why didn't you pursue M. Sc degree? And if you have such talent and affinity for doing research and other scientific stuff, why don't you try emigrating. There is a high job outlook for scientific researchers in developed countries.
KhanhZ   
Jul 11, 2012
Student Talk / The aim of life [56]

I don't want to sound harsh. I'm young and I never experienced the same problems as you are facing -- I just want you to believe in your abilities and not allow yourself to indulge in pathetic thoughts).

and could you read my essay and give me some feedback?:) especially I don't know what to do with the over-limit problem.
KhanhZ   
Jul 11, 2012
Student Talk / The aim of life [56]

No, you are still too pessimistic. i have heard so much of this "money rules the world". Yeah, there is some truth to it. But NEVER use such idea as an excuse to surrender.

What you buy with money is not true friendship, but loyalty based on obligation; not love, but an self-suggested feeling thrust on expected benefit.
Are you kidding me? Do you think that all successful people were born with large heritages? Damn, NO! Quite many of them had troubled backgrounds. Take Oprah Winfrey. She was so poor she even made clothes from potato sacks when she was a kid; she was sexually abused and even born a child at the age of 14. I don't need to tell you who she is now.

Will rotates earth. Remember.
If you were an old man that fought relentlessly for a better life and yet couldn't achieve it, you would have a right to complain. But you are 27 and you still have your life. Quit whining and keep working. I believe you will succeed))
KhanhZ   
Jul 10, 2012
Student Talk / Exam passing tips - its my final year [71]

I don't know about you guys, but before any exam -- be it a final or a semester one -- I always take a rest and relax during the day before the exam.(of course before that day I have to study thoroughly). Helps a lot for me, I don't get overloaded and hold pretty much all the learned material in my head.
KhanhZ   
Jul 10, 2012
Student Talk / The aim of life [56]

Thanks, I haven't experienced the need to earn money desperately like you( probably from a young age), but i have other "intolerable" issue.

Anyway, good luck with letting steam off))
KhanhZ   
Jul 10, 2012
Student Talk / The aim of life [56]

ah 'chuckle'...I'm just 16. and I'm planning to take psychology as a major, but eventually I want to become an attorney.
You're flattering me.)
KhanhZ   
Jul 10, 2012
Student Talk / The aim of life [56]

Always glad to help )

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