Undergraduate / Senior Curricular Support program ; UNC - What changed mind? [7]


Commas are necessary in this sentence.


Added a comma. Also changed "weak" (referring to strength) to "week" (referring to the seven days).


While the story you have provided is good, I think you could to a better job explaining the transition (change) that you went through. Discuss who you were prior to your experiences with assisting students, what caused you to change, and how you are enjoying it now.

Good luck.

Undergraduate / City life/ Architecture/ Diverse culture; How UChicago satisfy my desires [5]

Why is UC the best college for you to explore your love of fine arts? All you have established is what you are going to be able to do at UC. Include some information about what sets University of Chicago apart from others.

There were a few issues with grammar in your essay. "Possible" should become "possibly". The grammatical errors are fairly minor - what you should focus on is expanding your ideas to include a discussion of why the school and community is the best for you. What sets it apart. You can talk about UC a bit more than yourself.

Undergraduate / Social stigma/ YKNOT ; UNC / IMPORTANT PROBLEM I TRY TO SOLVE [6]

You could also specify what YKNOT? is. I am not familiar with it. I was too caught up in how good the essay was to bother to comment upon that detail the first time.

Writing Feedback / Government should pay for environment protection-TOEFL [2]

While I don't personally agree with the stance you took, I think you could improve your essay by incorporating a discussion of government spending regarding economic growth. You've mentioned the benefits of protecting the environment; however, you have not mentioned the downfalls of economic stimulus spending.

It would be best if you not only proved your point but also disproved the contrary idea. That's really the best advice I can provide you with since I can't think of any better examples that would support your point because I would not argue the same thing myself.

You have a good essay start - I would help with some minor grammar issues, but I don't have time right now. Hopefully someone else can take care of that. Just be sure to not only bolster your argument but also tear apart the argument of the opposing side. Perhaps your response will resemble a debate.

Good luck with the outcome of your essay.

Undergraduate / Message in drift bottle-UNC at Chapel Hill [2]

Too much of your essay is a discussion of yourself rather than a discussion of a message. I would think this message should include content other than what you intend to do at UNC. Perhaps you could incorporate some of your stories into a broader life lesson while eliminating extraneous material about you personally.

The essay is still fairly good - I'm just not sure if this is what UNC is looking for. Also, be careful with sad stories - so many applicants include them.

Good luck with your application and essay!

Undergraduate / Social stigma/ YKNOT ; UNC / IMPORTANT PROBLEM I TRY TO SOLVE [6]

This is the best essay I've seen on this site since I began using it. There are a few issues with commas. Other than that, you have established how you became a mental health advocate, what you have done so far, and how you plan on using UNC in order to further this goal. The only other thing I would include would be some sort of specific plan that you have post college, and how what you learn at UNC will help that that plan.

Again, this is a brilliant essay. Provided you are academically qualified (which I'm sure you are), you will be accepted - easily.

Here is one of the comma issues. I personally would eliminate the comma and flow right into the next clause.


Congratulations on your admission! (Whenever it happens to come)

Undergraduate / Uzbekistan/my jokes/ hobbies/ hospitability ;UGRAD, A letter to roommate. [4]


Spelling error - the word is "intentions"


The fact that you are fun is good enough when communicating your personality. Fun people are fun to be around. End the sentence with a period . Corrected minor grammatical errors. I didn't already understand that you were a person who does not like to sit at home, so you should delete that particular cause. That clause serves no purpose too - just go straight to your point. I assume you are referring to online social networks, so I edited the sentence to reflect that. Your existing sentence could reference any type of human interaction. "Friends" should be satisfactory to communicate which type of people you like to share ideas with. I included the proper format for a sentence utilizing "however", and I made your clause involving studying better.


Eliminate the comma.


Eliminate this sentence. It does not fit well with your previous sentence and you've already established that you are a good person.


Include a colon when introducing ideas.


I broke up this idea into two sentences to make the overall idea flow better. I included 'because of his/her advice" because it states that you live life without alcohol or cigarettes because of the advice of your trainer. The sentence revision better credits him or her.


Not sure what you mean by "new term". "Really" is overused. I replaced "little" with young in order to indicate age rather than size.


I utilized a colon again to introduce ideas. I changed "believed" to present tense in order to indicate that you are trying not to disappoint people who currently believe in you, not previously believed in you.

Overall Notes - Your essay really shows who you are as a person. You have set out a plan for your life (helping children), and you have communicated how you spend your time. I've established that you are a very traditional kind of person - you like face-to-face conversation, and you like to help children. Both of these items are excellent to possess. I don't think you need to add more content, you just need to fix some minor errors which I have outlined to you.

Good luck with your application!

Undergraduate / 'Born in India' - Duke COMMONAPP: Why I want to be an Engineer [4]

Being born in India to parents with purely business-related occupations, I used to believe business was my ultimate fortune; that I would finally land on what is currently my father's chair. But my experiences with science have completely changed what I thought I was destined to pursue in life...

Notes - This paragraph seems to be working as a brief attention-getter. The fact that your parents were businessmen does not interest me. Perhaps you could include an engaging story that shows how you obtained and interest of science, or perhaps how you came to dislike business and enjoy science.

I attended a school where academics were given prime importance. Science and math eventually turned out to be my favorite subjects. The notion of having the same laws rule everything: from the movements of colossal stars to defining the path of a tiny neutron was utterly fascinating. I used to read a plethora of science magazines and books, searching for answers not acknowledged in our regular syllabus.curriculum The Internet was also a prominent source of information: thescienceforum.com, Dr. Michio Kaku, Minutephysics...what not. But I have absolutely no idea who inspired me to make robots. I believe it was just my imagination bawling for an outlet. At home, I had my own laboratory where I would sit hours with a soldering iron in one hand and a screwdriver in another, trying to make my own flying machine. In fact I did managed to make a quadcopter.

Notes - All true "schools" give academics prime importance. Eliminate the sentence. What subjects did you like before? How did your interests change? All engineering applicants find math and science to be utterly fascinating. Say something that differentiates you. Use better word choice. "Bawling" is typically associated with crying babies, and I don't think your imagination simply cried until you made robots.

Once I had selected my stream as science, everything improved. I attended class with students of the same inclination. I was spellbound when I got my hands on calculus, and started thinking in different perspectives to the same problem.

I was once surfing the Internet when a tutorial about elementary Javascript on Khan Academy caught my eye. I became so engrossed in it that I saw all the tutorials in two days. I got to know how programming involved nothing else but logic, and on that day I finally decided that I wanted to develop a career in computer science.

Notes - Use better word choice. Stream is associated with water, and I have never heard it used in the sense of "field of study". It's not surprise that you took classes with like-minded students - after all, most students should enjoy an elective class they enroll in. Again, better word choice is necessary. Spellbound does not fit well - it feels as if you are using a thesaurus to describe your enjoyment for math and science in 20 different ways. Elaborate upon your career plans. As of now, it seems as if you want a computer science career because you are just absolutely enthralled by the topic. Each engineering applicant is expected to enjoy engineering - what are you going to do with the education you receive to make a difference in the world or your community in particular?

When I came across the recent breakthrough in sixth sense technology by another fellow Indian Pranav Mistry, I was reaffirmedassured that I was headed in the right direction. That computer science was the foundation of new technological advancements. That programming was a reign in the hands of the bearer, and the ultimate power to manifest his own creations. That the computer would soon outwear all contemporary perimeters, and make space for seemingly incredulous possibilities.

Notes - I fixed a few grammatical issues in the first sentence. Do not include sentence fragments in an admissions essay. Additionally, the content that you have provided through these fragments is already known. The admissions officer needs to learn something about you, not just the computer science field in general.

I desire to double major in computer science and electrical engineering and minor in robotics. But why choose Duke? The reason is obvious. The Pratt School of Engineering is an abode for budding computer scientists. Their award winning faculty and rigorous academic programs ascertainassure companies that graduates from here are worth every penny.

Plus Duke has so much for me! If I become a part of Duke, I assure contributing in every aspect. Be a part of the Duke Robotics Team. Participate in the Duke Engineers for International Development program. Become a member of the Tau Beta Pi. Use my humor to write nerdy jokes for the DukEngineer. Perhaps even learn the Green Dance from Professor Astrachan.

Notes -You never discussed your desires regarding electrical engineering. In your essay you should include more information about it. Your experience with soldering is not enough. All universities have much to offer. All that you establish in the closing remarks is that you will simply take part in something. Why will you do it? How will the experiences help you?

Overall Comments - Your essay is currently a statement of why you love the computer science field. This is not unique to you. How will the admissions officer know you are any different than any other of the thousands of applicants? I would structure your essay more like this.

Briefly discuss how you became interested in your particular fields of study. Use engaging stories and examples.

Discuss a plan that you have post-Duke that includes more than just a potential career. What are you going to do with your computer science and electrical engineering knowledge? How will you change the world?

Discuss how Duke is the best institution for facilitating your overall life plan. Make sure to state exactly how you will take advantage of each of Duke's offerings in order to become better prepared for you life plan.

Conclude in some sort of way that summarizes yet is not overly redundant. You seem to be intelligent enough in order to do such.

If you change your essay into a description of an overall plan and how you will use Duke in order to help achieve the goal(s) of that plan, you should have no problem being admitted into the university granted your superior academic skills (which you can brag about in some place other than an essay)

Good luck with your essay and eventual acceptance!

Undergraduate / I had finished the first episode of my life; SOP [5]

I feel that you have the writing skills required to craft a spectacular essay. However, you need to focus on showing more than telling. As of now, your essay is more of a list of achievements. Content like this belongs in a resume, not an essay. An essay should show traits or characteristics. Think about how many fellow students you know that have the same academic achievements as you. What sets you apart? Do you have a particular goal in life that you can achieve by using education in the UK as a stepping stone? While it is okay to mention achievements, the bulk of your essay should discuss an overall life plan you have whose success is facilitated by an extensive amount of computer science knowledge.

I love the quote you mentioned at the end of your essay; however, I think it would work better as an introduction. After mentioning the quote, discuss your plan for saving society. Provide examples that prove you have what it takes to achieve your goals (personality traits). Show how you will use the education that you will receive if accepted in order to facilitate your plan to help society with your computer science skills.

Essentially, you need to shift your essay from a list of accomplishments to a great plan that happens to include education your university of choice. While a university can easily deny the application of an intelligent individual, it is much harder (if not impossible) to deny the application of an intelligent, motivated individual who has one-of-a-kind goals and aspirations.

Instead of stating the completion of your first episode of life, say that you have completed the first part of some sort of master plan.

Set yourself apart from the crowd. I know you can do it.

Here are a few minor changes that I think could improve upon the existing content you have, provided you include it within the next revision of your essay.


Remove "ranked first in academics across India". The fact that you came from a superior school is irrelevant to you as a person. While the transformation of computer size is fascinating, it seems as if you are attributing the change in size to a change in the programming language. The change in computer size is due to hardware, not computer code. Rephrase this a bit, and if it works well in a revised essay utilizing my advice above, feel free to implement it.

Solid essay so far. Just remember that there are so many aspiring computer scientists who have the exact same academic record as you do. In such a highly competitive atmosphere, you need to set yourself apart from the crowd by including information relevant to life as a whole rather than just the narrow realm of academia and how it is so interesting to you.

Good luck! I'm excited to see how the final copy of your essay turns out, so if you revise it, please post it again.

Writing Feedback / expression of one's belief should not be refrained; freedom for artists [4]

This is a rather tricky topic to write about. I'm not sure why a learning institution would like to know a particular political stance that you have (especially when that stance is most likely similar to that of others.. who doesn't support freedom of expression?).

I feel like there might a right way to answer this question. The learning institution may be looking to see that your beliefs align with theirs. Perhaps you could research the university in order to locate content that should exist in a superior answer.

While I thoroughly dislike the question, there are a few ways in which you can improve your existing essay.

Note that the prompt requests examples. I see no specific examples in your essay - you only included personal commentary.


I personally do not find that argument valid. You seem to be supporting a government's suppression of revolutionary ideas.


Thesaurus overload! Recapitulate means "surrender again" and refrained is a verb - you are using it is a noun. Just put this last paragraph into plain, intelligent English. Let your content, not your superfluous wording, make you look intelligent.

I feel bad for you. The essay prompt is rough. Make sure to give examples through a well-structured, strongly opinionated essay.

Good luck! If you have any additional information to share, or if you have revised your essay, please re-post it!

Undergraduate / UK PERSONAL STATEMENT BIOMEDICAL SCIENCES (Ethiopia tutoring and other countries) [6]

My comments appear in bold.

I am determined to make a meaningful difference on people's life. At first I wanted to be like my dad - broadly working for social justice, equality and peace, and then I wanted to be a lawyer specifically to speak up for the voiceless. However, after my internship at Aga Khan University Hospital in Nairobi, Kenya, I was left with the undisputable aspiration to become a medical doctor. Now, my academic interests have focused on biomedical sciences.

Comments on first paragraph - Making a difference is inherently meaningful. This personal statement is about your current vision, not your past visions [deleted second sentence]. Consider rephrasing the statement regarding your "indisputable aspiration". Aspiration is one of the most overused words when it comes to admissions essays.

During the summer of 2012, I researched under the supervision of the Kenya Medical Research Institute. The topic of choice was the antimicrobial property of plant extracts, derived from traditional medicinal practices in Ethiopia. The results were interesting in that they provided me with an insight to the possibility of Ethiopian medicine. It was fascinating to find out that one of the plant extracts inhibited the growth of bacteria.

This research showed me the potential of traditional medicine for scientific discoveries and instigated my desire to further explore the discipline of Biomedical Sciences. My long-term plan with the education I hope to receive is to give back to my community--to hold a vaccination drive in rural and urban parts of Ethiopia, and educate the people of diseases that are preventable and, depending on the results of my research, encourage or discourage traditional medicinal practices.

Notes - Your extended essay is not relevant to your medical research. If for some reason it is, make it evident to your reader. Researched is a stronger term than "carried out research". "Research" should be lowercase. The last two sentences are redundant. I get nothing out of the two sentences other than you thought the research was fascinating/interesting (same thing). Elaborate upon your research. Did you collaborate with local scientists, other students, etc.? Incorporate some sort of story that shows more than just a trip to Ethiopia/Kenya in which you learned about a new plant.

My dedication to community service as President of the school club (which club?) has taught me that the ability to make a positive difference on people's lives is the greatest gift of all. I want to explore the medical field in order to relieve others of pain.It saddens me to witness people in distress as seen firsthand from my work experience.

Notes - You have already notified the reader of your desire to help others.

I have held the position of Prefect for four consecutive years. Initially I was shocked when I was nominated prefect in year 10. I had always thought myself an introvert lacking the skills of a leader until one teacher described me as an individual who "silently breaks down social barriers of the status quo". I then realized my leadership potential-- that I can inspire my peers for change and to contribute towards the common good. This lesson will persevere me during my biomedical studies

Notes - Do you want the reader to know that you doubt your abilities until someone proves otherwise? Additionally, that paragraph simply tells of accomplishments. Your reader is looking for specific examples, not just statements (that anyone can make). To improve upon your idea, describe a time in which you inspired someone to change the world. As of now, your statement is very hard to believe, so a specific example is necessary.

Out of class, I have an unwavering love for football and have played as a midfielder for my high school and college team. This has taught me the importance of commitment and teamwork. Furthermore I have served as both a delegate for eight years and more recently an ambassador for the East African Model United Nations. This in particular was an important activity for me as it helped overcome my fear of public speech forcing me to go out of my comfort zone. From these activities I believe I can work well as part of a laboratory team, and any fears I may regarding coursework to research I know I can overcome.

Notes - How did you learn commitment and teamwork? While it is great that you can speak in public and go out of your comfort zone, how does that relate to a skill necessary to a laboratory team?

Last Christmas I climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro. From this I learnt that setting goals involves a great responsibility and creates a strong desire to fulfill them. More importantly, overcoming great hardship leads to immense satisfaction; the power to overcome an obstacle enables one to persevere through more difficult challenges and achieve greater triumphs. This lesson will guide me throughout college where I plan to be fearless in my choice of classes, apply for seemingly difficult internships, join student groups and engage in extramural activities outside of my comfort zone, all in the quest to be daring and expand my horizons.

Notes - I expect a story about climbing a mountain. Instead, I see several general of statements that everyone already knows. If you'd like to implement this idea within your essay, I would suggest that you delineate how your Mt. Kilimanjaro experience taught you something about life. I would eliminate the sentence regarding your intention to be fearless and go above and beyond, as all students are expected to do this at a college/university level.

Being an IB student has enabled me to be a well rounded student, I have pushed myself to take 4 higher levels and do well, and so I believe that can handle university life and the pressure of a demanding curriculum and course load. Taking both Biology and Chemistry at HL has been fascinating. I am especially eager for our next topic of Human Biochemistry and Drugs. Biology in particular was such a contrast from IGCSE's, the classes were engaging in the sense that we brought out real life situations and discussed them as controversial issues - a woman being cured of aids after a bone marrow transplant, the ethics involved in cloning humans and many more. I'm captivated by the body and its functions - to know the theory behind our bodily systems. This course will continue my enthrallment with biomedical sciences and enable me to go onto study postgraduate medicine and will help me make an enlightened decision of which field to specialize in.

Notes - While it's great that you love pushing yourself and studying biochemistry, simply stating your enjoyment of the topic is not good enough. Each student that applies to study a particular field is expected to enjoy it.

Having lived in the UK for primary school, and moved to several places since, the UK has been the ideal location for college through it all. Besides the outstanding education system and weather that somehow I found pleasant then, the UK is at the centre of biomedical research and medical advances.

Notes - The fact that you intend on studying at an institution in the UK affirms your belief that it is the best. This paragraph is redundant.

Overall Comments - I think you need to re-write your essay in order to better show the qualities and characteristics that you claim to possess. Right now, your essay simply tells. To me, you seem like a lucky individual blessed with many travel opportunities. The admissions officer needs to see you as an individual dedicated to bettering the (medical) world. They need to see specific examples that SHOW how you will be able to effectively utilize the education they provide as a stepping stone to a future career.

In order to restructure and recreate your essay, I would follow an outline similar to this:

Introduction - Share a specific story that affirms your desire to help others. Where did this desire arise from?

Example 1 - Show how you helped others (Specific example)

Example 2 - Same

Example 3 - Same

The reader will now know exactly why you have a desire to help others as well as an understanding of how you are capable of achieving that. Simply stating a desire is not enough. You must supply evidence.

Section - How you will use the institutions education as a stepping stone to your future life goals

State your specific goals in life - if you follow the idea of setting up some sort of vaccination center in Africa, what do you need to know in order to accomplish that?

For each piece of knowledge that you can implement in the future, give a brief discussion of what you can do at the institution in order to acquire this knowledge. Your statement here should be more than "I will take this class". It should be something like "I will take this class and collaborate with professors that are working on a task beneficial to my future. I will share my knowledge with others that are already working upon an idea that I plan to participate in in the future"

Conclusion - Restate how you are committed to help others as well as how the institution's education is the route to your helping of others.

Good luck! Be sure to SHOW, not TELL. If you revise your essay further, re-post it so we can comment upon it.

Undergraduate / LAST DAY AT HIGH SCHOOL; KENYON SUPP [4]

The essay content is good provided the prompt does not request a do-over situation because of a mistake.