Undergraduate / Why Tufts: On religions and compassions [26]

Okay, we now have the first paragraph perfectly written. At least, as far as I am concerned. I hope you feel the same way. Now, for the second paragraph. We need one more sentence to tie it up in a nice little bow. Just to close the paragraph. How would you like to close it? I have the following in mind as a potential closing sentence for your essay:

... political correctness. The very same traits that I try to promote as often as possible in my everyday life. These are the reasons why I chose Tufts.

You may have a different idea as to how you want to close the paragraph. I am open to reading it. This is the final step that we have to complete so that we can declare this statement ready to submit. If I find your suggestion applicable enough, I'll give it a like so that you will know that my opinion is that the essay is finally ready to submit.

Undergraduate / Why Tufts: On religions and compassions [26]

You can remove the line about being magnetized by the people. The ICP statement seems to be working better in fulfilling the prompt requirements in this paragraph. However, the sentence after that can be made shorter and more informative if you simply say that you share common beliefs and ideologies with Tufts and then enumerate the traits. The last sentence is still a problem. It is disconnected from the first part of this paragraph. I think it would be better if you just move that reference to the first paragraph. Make it your last sentence in that paragraph. Then don't make any changes to the second paragraph aside from the portions that I am suggesting you delete. Once you do those steps, I believe the essay will finally fall into place for you. Don't add or change any information. Just do as I instructed you above. I believe we can call the next version the final essay once you complete that revision.

Undergraduate / Leaving China and seeking for a greater perspective - transfer essay, CS major, Common app [2]

Moahua, The story about the eye opening experience that you had in summer school does run a bit long and tends to overtake the actual purpose of the essay. Rather than presenting the tie-back version of that story, I suggest that you do a reflective presentation instead. If you turn the summer learning abroad experience into the basis of your desire to change schools, then it becomes a more supportive statement. However, you need not go into great detail about it. You just need to summarize the fact that you enjoyed the experience and missed it when you went back to your regular school. Then you can use that as the basis for your need to switch schools. Offer only the most important comparisons of your learning experience abroad with your local school.

You have to make clear comparisons between the schools rather than general claims that you have at the moment. As for the voice of the essay, it is a bit boring at the moment because of the lack of focus on the reasons and objectives that you wish to achieve once you transfer schools. These need to be academic changes and objectives which clearly, cannot be met by your school. Explain how your chosen overseas school can help you achieve it. It is important that you mention the school you are transferring to specifically because it will show the amount of consideration that you have given to your desire to change schools.

Undergraduate / A support system to succeed at Georgia Tech [2]

Juan, what kind of mentor are you planning on becoming? Depending upon whether you will become a research mentor, ordinary mentor, research scholar, or mentee, you will have to display a specific type of skill and and abilities that can help you succeed. Your essay does not make any reference to the type of mentor you wish to become,. I think that is because you have focused the essay on your past experience at GT when what you should be focusing on is your future at the university as a student and as a mentor. You need to better align your plans for the job with the requirements of the specific mentor position that you are interested in. That way, you can create a clear idea regarding the position that you want, how you will enact the position, and what benefits you can offer and vice versa. Try to write a new essay after you have done complete research on the Peer 2 Peer Mentoring program. It is searchable.

Undergraduate / "With great power, comes great responsibility" - essay for college [6]

Shuprova, the essay that you delivered is too matter of fact. It does not deliver the pivotal twist in your narrative which is, according to the prompt, how you dealt with people who had different ideas, backgrounds, and ideologies in life. This essay does not tell us anything about the differences within the group and how you managed to handle the differences to the point where you were able to get them to cooperate with each other on the project so that it could be successfully completed. The fact that you won second place for your project would have been more significant if you had discussed the discord within the group and the difficulties that you, as a leader encountered before you were able to create a cohesive group. The essay is testing your leadership skills. How effectively can you delegate work among people who do not get along? What steps did you have to take in order to make them work together? This is all about the reviewer learning about how you handle stress and pressure in an academic situation. Right now, there are no clear leadership abilities being displayed in your essay.

Scholarship / My old friend. Reflecting on UWC's mission and values... [2]

Kan, the UWC values are based upon the following:

International and intercultural understanding
Celebration of difference
Personal responsibility and integrity
Mutual responsibility and respect
Compassion and service
Respect for the environment
A sense of idealism
Personal challenge
Action and personal example

Your essay does not, in any way or form represent any of the above values that UWC speaks of. In this essay, you are supposed to discuss how you embody one, two, or all of the UWC values along with how you can help to improve the UWC student experience, based upon those values. The expectation of the college is that you will be able to help promote these values because you will have learned something from the experience. So, for the latter part, you need to imagine what the UWC experience might be like, based upon its core values. Then write about it.

At the moment, all you are doing is telling the story of your friend, which does not identify any way that you represented the UWC values in dealing with her or her condition in life. As such, the essay cannot be deemed a proper response to the prompt. you will need to reflect upon the aforementioned values and pick out your top 3 to discuss along the dictates of the prompt.

Undergraduate / Why Tufts: On religions and compassions [26]

You can adjust the second paragraph to be within the word count if you say that what attracts you most to Tufts are its people. Totally skip over the MUN, IR, etc. because those are not really required information in the essay. All you really have to spell out is what attracts you, not what doesn't attract you. You lower the word count when you only specify the necessary information for the reviewer. Say that you were attracted by the motto of the Jumbo's and that you realized that it was a commonality between you and the university. Don't end the essay with a question. Wrap it up with a statement. Specifically the statement that Hillary made and you saying that you prefer to stand out. That is the strongest final word you can create for the statement that aligns itself with the prompt.

Writing Feedback / The Profit from Losing Money [38]

Yes. I think that will work just fine with the previous portions of the essay because you will have justified the loss of income as being offset by the growth of your relationship with the community. It turns the whole event into a life changing experience instead of a losing bid to make money for yourself. You basically made more in terms something that money cannot buy and that is the fact that you got to know your community and you were able to contribute to the joy and happiness of the members of the community that day. When you say it that way, as in, it is self-explanatory, you no longer need to adjust any other portions of your essay. So I believe that this essay is now ready for you to use. I mean, that is if you feel that you have done the best that you can to make the essay shine as I believe that you have done.

Graduate / "The flow of electron" needs your review : SOP for Graduate Programs in Electrical Engineering [5]

Hasibul, a proper statement of purpose is completed within a word count of 750 at the most. With 1639 words, your essay is way over the limit and as such, does not effectively outline the necessary points of the essay. You need to summarize most of the content of your essay. Specifically, summarize your work experience, educational experience, and training to only the most important and impressive aspects. The full concentration of the essay should be on proving that you have enough background to support masters degree studies. For example, expand on the conference statement by offering the name of the conference, the location, and the dates. Don't be vague in your specifications when it comes to your accomplishments. Make sure that the reviewer will have a chance to verify said information as a part of your information strengthening process.

So we don't really need to present your personal background. As the essay title indicates this is a statement of purpose, not a personal statement. You should review your essay and analyze it for irrelevant content that should be in your personal statement instead. I have already given you one of the markers to look out for in editing your essay. Should you come across more content like that, take it out and save it for some other application prompt. You should also make some space towards the end of your essay to better discuss why you feel that university xxx is the best place for you to pursue these studies.

Undergraduate / Barnard college supplemtals//Why Barnard//Woman in History//Majoring in Unafraid [2]

Breonna, the forum has a one essay per thread ruling. That means I can only review the first essay in this thread. You need to start a new thread for the second essay so that we can review it properly. The forum team will delete the second and third essay once they see it so you should do yourself a favor and start the second and third individual thread before they do that. Now, on to my review for the first essay in this thread.

In reference to the elegance and majestic quality of the Barnard College, there is a portion where you make reference to your femininity in the sentence. I would not use the word diminish, as that shows a lack of confidence or belief in the feminist cause. Instead, I would like to hear you say that your femininity will increase the impact of your influence on the world. That shows the mindset and confidence of a 21st century woman.

As for the reference to the graduate of the university, if she has not written a recommendation letter for you, which will allow you to use her name specifically as a reference in this essay, then you should not mention her at all. In fact, you can drop the reference to the alumna and just present the paragraph starting with " That's why Barnard is my first choice..." That paragraph strongly supports the narrative in the first paragraph and gives the reviewer an abstract look at the way that you view the reasons as to why you wish to attend Barnard.

Undergraduate / 'Hospital hallways' - supplement- Academic goals [3]

Karina, focus the essay on the academic programs and training / internship offerings of NYU for this essay. We do not need the narrative of how you feel as you walk hospital hallways. What we need, is to know how NYU can help you fulfill your dream of becoming a Neonatal Nurse Practitioner. What is it about the curriculum offerings of NYU that interest you? What student activities does your major offer that will help you become the kind of Neonatal Nurse Practitioner that you hope to be in the future.

At the moment, your essay veers more towards a shortened version a personal statement. The only reference to New York in the essay, pertains to the city and not the university. As much as possible, you should not talk about the learning experience in the city because the city is not the academic institution that you will be attending. It is a mere backdrop in the big picture of your pursuit of academic excellence. So focus more on the university and less on the city and your dreams as you walk hospital hallways. That way, you really inform the reviewer about the prompt requirement.

Undergraduate / My blackness. Common Application Essay: Problem you'd like to solve - limiting circumstances [4]

Breonna, rather than making a socio-political statement in this essay, you should be focusing your story on the possible solutions that can be implemented in an effort to solve the situation. Limit the discussion of the problem as best as you can because the topic has been overly discussed by the mainstream media over the past number of years. So explaining its current situation is not all too important to this essay anymore. Rather, you should focus one a single problem that plagues the black community and then try to present a possible solution to the problem or a solution that you have implemented for yourself. If we are to take a cue from the essay that you wrote, you can use the school to prison concept and show how you have overcome that ideology when everything about you says that you should be following that pattern by now. Remember the Black Cause is not something that can be easily resolved as it is a far reaching and complicated problem. However, you should be able to take a specific aspect of the environment, present the problem attached to it, and then offer a specific solution which is either hypothetical or something that you have already implemented for your self betterment.

Scholarship / Chemical Engineering. Engineers work behind the scenes to improve society's present and future. [2]

Jasmine, This is one tremendously long scholarship essay. As far as I know, most scholarships has a statement prompt that they offer the applicants as a guide for the development of the essay. Is there any chance that you were given one and you just forgot to post the prompt here? There is a need for us to read the prompt you are responding to because this essay is just trying to cover too many topics, not all of which are applicable to a scholarship application. The only way that you can be helped in better focusing the presentation of your scholarship application is if we know what information the scholarship committee actually requires you to present.

While I a on the topic of discussion presentation, I did not read any clear reference as to why you feel that you should be awarded this scholarship. How can the scholarship help you and how can you help the scholarship in the future? These are normal concerns that find its way into the standard presentation of these essay. Right now, you have a case of too much information regarding your passion and nothing about why you are a better bet for the scholarship than the next student. What are the scholarship criteria that you are expected to represent in this essay? We need to lessen the content in order to keep only the relevant information in it. Please upload the essay prompt from the scholarship committee as soon as you can so we can get do work on doing that.

Undergraduate / Rampant cheating; everyone reaped what they sowed. Caltech ethical dilemma Essay [3]

Yamen, the reason that this essay is underwhelming when you read it is because you decided not to do anything about the cheating that you knew was going to take place during the exam. In fact, what you did was a clear violation of the Honor Code of Caltech. You see, the Honor Code expects you to do what is right and what is fair for all concerned, regardless of the fact that everyone else is doing the same wrong thing. This is all about your integrity as a student and your sense of fair play with regards to those students who are trying to pass tests in a honest way, just as you did.

Your solution to the problem, which was to ignore the cheating that was to take place because some of the students needed the grade to pass is incorrect. That is exactly the kind of character trait that the university does not want as a member of their student community. Do not use this reference topic. The story that you are sharing will get your application into the "do not consider" list because you do not have any academic integrity and will obviously, not uphold the Caltech Honor Code for its students and members of its community.

Writing Feedback / The Profit from Losing Money [38]

I do not think that will work too well. If you say it that way, you will have to explain how your family lives with an extended family, have to pay your family share of expenses, etc. It would be best to just keep it simple and tell the reviewer that your father is the single income earner in your family so sometimes, your finances take a hit and you often feel like you want to help out but did not have any way of doing so. Then the flea market opportunity came along and allowed you a chance to help out. Don't make the essay too informative. Just present the basic facts. The last thing you want to do is go over the word limit and then have to review and edit the essay for content all over again. Your first presentation was fine. The method of adjusting the other parts of the essay have already been indicated within this post of mine.

Undergraduate / Exposed to counting. How the quest for a shooting star shaped my life. [10]

Karekezi, I hope you will not be too mad at me for running counter in opinion to Breonna. It is my opinion that this personal statement that you wrote does not qualify as a personal introduction to the reviewer, which is what a personal statement is all about. Rather, this is more of a Prompt 1 topic. Prompt 1 indicates its instructions as follows:

Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

If you review your essay from the eye of an admissions officer / reviewer, what you will see is that the essay that you wrote applies mostly to the aforementioned prompt because it describes how your early interest in a particular subject matter developed. Hence, it is more of a background story that helps to complete the presentation of your academic interests.

A personal statement normally introduces you to the reviewer by presenting most basic information about yourself. Information such as where you are from, stories about yourself that portrays your other skills in relation to the major that you have selected, and a familiarity with the school.

The major part of the personal statement should successfully represent the reasons why you opted to apply for admission to this particular university. These discussions can be in the form of academic familiarity with the university as well as your expected social development as indicated by your desire to become part of significant organizations in the university.

Let us be clear that this is only my point of view and I am in no way demanding that you change your essay if you do not wish to do that. The final content of your essay should reflect information that you are comfortable sharing with the reviewer. In this instance, I do not feel that the prompt you chose, as a personal statement, applies to the essay that you wrote. I hope you will consider my suggestions for the betterment of your essay.

Writing Feedback / The Profit from Losing Money [38]

Wow! That is an excellent way of explaining your desire to earn money in the most succinct manner. Definitely go with that explanation. It ties everything in the essay together. However, you will still need to make adjustments to the later part of your essay that deals with the way you felt when the stand fee was finally charged in relation to the money you had hoped to contribute to the family expenses that month or for some other specific financial purpose related to family upkeep. Keep the maximum word count in mind as you make the adjustments to the content. I don't think yo will need to change the essay drastically. Just add maybe a sentence or two to the portion that narrates the way the fee was collected and how you felt. Towards the conclusion of the essay, you should also say something about whether you were able to contribute anything at all to the family coffers that month and, what your parents said about your first sojourn in earning money.

Undergraduate / Etcetera: the most mysterious word in the English language. [2]

This is not a bad word choice for this essay. Since etcetera means so on and so forth, or "and other things", this seems like the most fitting word for you to use to describe yourself. The whole essay just comes together in a way that actually tells the reviewer the importance and relevance of this word in your life. However, when it comes to the presentation of your flexible character, it is best to show, in order to prove your point or explain your personal meaning to the reviewer.

So you can't just say that you can go from the Latin Convention to playing basketball within the same day. You have to show an example of this flawless manifestation of etcetera in your life. That way, the essay is not only hypothetical in presentation but also allows for a physical manifestation of the word meaning. With such an example, the essay develops a strong message and image to the reviewer. I hope you can make the suggested modification within the allotted word count. Let me know if you need help with it.

Undergraduate / How being Asian American has made me who I am [2]

Wang, what are we talking about here? Are you responding to a college application prompt? Or is this an essay for an English writing class? Which one is this paper meant to address? If it is the college app, please forward a copy of the prompt you are responding to as soon as possible. If it is for English writing class, then share the instructions with us. I can't offer your specific feedback about your writing until I know what the purpose of this written exercise is. While it is a very informative biography, I am wondering about why the essay has one too many topics to focus on. Aren't you supposed to present only one discussion in the essay? One thing I am sure of is that you are not Asian-American. You as an Asian living in America. An Asian-American is someone who was born in the United States of Asian origin. Your nationality is still Asian because you were born in China, not in the USA. While I would like to focus only on this adjustment to your essay, I am sure that the additional instructions that I am waiting for coming from your end will help me to better guide you in the development and polishing of this essay. I will wait for the additional instructions upload.

Writing Feedback / The Profit from Losing Money [38]

Mualla, number 2 has potential. You will just have to expand the explanation so that the reviewer will know the exact reason why you had a need, desire, or inclination to help with your family expenses. If you opt to follow this line of reasoning, you will have to adjust all of the parts of the essay that relate to the earnings you made that day. You will have to deliver a sense of disappointment at having to pay the stand fee because you needed to contribute the money to the family. Then you will have to adjust the explanation about the relevance of the empty pouch as well. Sounds like too much work right? Don't feel bad about the adjustments to the content, the essay will carry more weight and deliver an idea regarding your character in the end. By the way, your reason 2 and 3 are so similar that they could have been the same explanation in mere paraphrased form. If you can think of another reason for number 3, I am open to considering it.

Speeches / The Future of Driverless Cars [4]

Yuhua, your first paragraph is lacking first person pronouns which makes the way that you state your major, field of research, and and the purpose of your essay sound strange when read and spoken aloud. Your audience will know that your grammar is wrong. So in the first paragraph, insert the word I as in "I am majoring in... with a focus on the research of..." In order to fix the grammar presentation in that paragraph.

In the second paragraph, you have made incomplete statements. Driving is the No. 1 cause of death where? In the United States? Worldwide? Where did you get this information? Name your source. This is a research speech so the need for in-text citations in spoke form is still necessary. Phrase it for example, in this manner: "According to information from Google search, driving is the..." Make your hypothesis statement complete. What, in your opinion, makes driverless cars better ?

Third paragraph, first sentence, use present tense. You are discussing something that is still ongoing. Don't say " how our car..." since you are referring to a concept car. The correct term would be "The concept of the driverless car works based upon an intricate system composed of..." Change all the references from "our car" to "the concept car" as that is what a driverless car is at the moment, a concept car.

Paragraph 6 and 7 requires the most corrections. Let me just rewrite the paragraphs for you:

Once the laser and onboard computer takes control of the driverless car, we can finally "just have fun" while the car drives to our destination. Allowing us free time to deal with other important things in life like catching up on paperwork, relaxing, or eating during the ride to work. Humans will no longer be distracted while driving, thus reducing the amount of car-related accidents, which seem to occur every 15 minutes these days. When software code takes control of the wheel, driving becomes safer and more convenient.

I hope that you now understand how driverless cars work and why it is an important technology that needs to be developed if we are to make our cars and roads safer for all concerned. Thank you for listening. I will now take questions.

Undergraduate / Why Tufts: On religions and compassions [26]

You will have to decide whether you want to be humorous or academic in the presentation of your reasons. The way the word count is set up, you are not being given any room for multiple reasons for opting to enroll at Tufts. You can only present one compelling reason that brought you to choose the school. You can use the Hilary reference in the response, but only in a summary form. You have to sacrifice the dialogue that you gave her. How she said it won't matter anymore. What matters is that she said it. With 100 words maximum, you will need to be very specific about your reasons. Don't go for humor, don't go for creativity. Just go for providing the most accurate information within 100 words. Just remove Hilary's dialogue. That is the most irrelevant part of the essay. You can just say that she suggested you look up Tufts. The reasons that you state about the classes and traditions are enough to represent the "Why Tufts?" question.

When in doubt, it never hurts to write a second, third, fourth, or more versions of your response. You will know the response is right when you are satisfied with what you have written. It doesn't matter how the reviewer receives the essay on his end because what has to come through on the paper is your definition or seriousness and humor. He will catch on to what you are trying to say because he is familiar with the university traditions, culture, and student craziness.

From my end, I can say that I get the humor in your essay. It is clear and shows a familiarity with the university that tells me you are looking forward to 4 years of fun on campus. But tat is just me and I am familiar with the many incarnations of this essay already.

Tell you what, write a second version of your response to the prompt. One that fits the word requirement already. Then let's compare the work and choose the best one. Whichever we agree upon to choose should be the essay that you can use to respond to the prompt. How does that sound to you?

Essays / My impact on communities. Help me to understand the demand of the following supplemental essay . [9]

That statement really works as the immediate response to the prompt. Build upon that statement. Give it a serious introduction and supporting paragraphs before you conclude your statement with a strong ending. Don't aim to present 650 words in your essay if it is not possible for you to do so. Don't try to introduce information from your 2 previous essays because those do not really fit in with the purpose of this prompt. Keep it simple and direct to the point. Since the word maximum is 650, you should aim to present anywhere from 300 - 500 words. That should be sufficient enough for you to provide an accurate response. Do not try to fill in the word count just because you want to hit 650, that is a sure-fire way of ensuring that your essay will fall apart and not be direct to the point. Just aim to respond to the essay in the most clear manner that you can, even if you don't do it in 650 words.

Undergraduate / Why Tufts: On religions and compassions [26]

This version has a total of 148 words, with the ellipses portion included. I think this will work best. It is short and to the point. It delivers the response to the question immediately with a hook at the start and humor at the end. It should work just fine if you feel like using it.

Can you tell me the actual maximum word count? It is confusing for you to give it to me by paragraph. What is the full word count that we have to meet or be under? Is it 200?

In the 10th grade, I had a teacher who was an alumna of Tufts named Hilary Hilaries from whom I first learned about Tufts. I lost touch with her when she went back to the U.S., reconnecting only this past summer when I was looking for an overseas university to attend.

Then definitely check out Tufts...

No, don't cut out the part about Hilary in this essay. You never know if the reviewer will read this essay before he reads the recommendations. This essay will indirectly instruct him to read that recommendation letter and provide the reason why. This will not be name dropping because you will be mentioning a graduate of the university who is actually recommending you for admission.

Undergraduate / Why Tufts: On religions and compassions [26]

Khoa, here is how I would present this statement. I hope it is within the word limit and that you will want to use it to help you resolve the response problem to the statement.

After that paragraph, add the conversation that you had with her. That will create your final response for this essay. If it is over the word count, let me know and I will try to find a way to lower it without affecting the statement too much.

By the way, thanks for your concern. I do rest when I feel like it and when I need it. I just have my computer on all the time which is why I manage to constantly scan the forum and stay in touch with those who need help. I am not tethered to the computer nor am I here 24/7. Hahaha! I just realized, it does seem that way doesn't it? Internet time is really different from real life time I guess. Just know this for sure, I'll be here when you need me. It might take me some time to get back to you sometimes, but I will respond as soon as I can. When there is a delay in my response that means that I had to take some personal time to attend to some personal needs and matters.

Essays / My impact on communities. Help me to understand the demand of the following supplemental essay . [9]

Nanda, thank you for the clarification. I only used my paragraph above as an example for you to better understand what the prompt requires of you. Yes, you now understand what the prompt requires you do for a response. It would be best if you can present the two aspects that the prompt requires which is a local or national, then international application of the degree that you will be completing. The prompt wants you to indicate how you see your degree helping you to make the lives of those in your country better. Then you are asked to go a step higher by indicating how you imagine an international application for your degree. This means, that the idea that you will develop locally, should have the ability to translate into a national or international set up, as all programs these days are expected to be.

Essays / My impact on communities. Help me to understand the demand of the following supplemental essay . [9]

Unfortunately, this is not the essay that you should be using to respond to this essay. This is some sort of essay but it is not applicable to any masters degree supplemental application for your course. I do not believe that you fully understand the prompt or the explanation with guide questions that I provided. Let me see if I can offer a more concrete example for you.

As a student who wishes to solidify my work experience as a nano technology - cyber security expert, I would return to my home country after completing my masters degree and offer my services to our municipal / local government. I would volunteer to help create a firewall for the local government in order to prevent the possibility of cyber attacks and identity thefts in our most prone local government departments. I believe that I have to do this because my local government needs to protect the information of my neighbors and other community members, whose records could be used for the creation of fake identities using the profiles of our local residents, which in turn could destroy their future. I will start the cyberwall on a lower level but ensure that it would be so effective that our national government would take note of our accomplishment and request that I work on our national cyberwall as well.

What I have presented above is a premise for the 650 word version of the proper response to the essay prompt. Try to develop an answer similar to the one above, but more applicable to your interests and future career. If you have any more questions, don't hesitate to ask. I'll get back to you as soon as I can.

Undergraduate / Why Tufts: On religions and compassions [26]

It would have been nice to read about your interaction with the alumna in the essay because it shows that you actually are familiar with the university and how it can help you become a better student and professional in the future. Since you are over the word count already, the inclusion of the information about Hilary is up to you. It can be optional if you wish. Now, about the 111 word count, will removing the reference to Hilary bring the count within the acceptable range ? If it will, then remove the reference. If you want to keep it, then show me how the full essay looks at the moment so I can help you decide which portions we can remove in order to better meet the prompt requirements. It should not be too hard to do. The essay that you wrote is really good. We are just trying to enhance it at this point.

Writing Feedback / More and more young people hold the important positions in the government. [3]

Ngoc, you have discussed the two points of view in the essay and yet you have failed to support either side with your personal opinion on the matter. As you can read from the prompt, you must offer your own opinion of the discussion along with the discussion of the two sides. Therefore, this essay is supposed to be a 5 paragraph essay and not 4 paragraphs.

The body of the essay needs to have 3 paragraphs representing the pro, con, and personal opinion discussions. Each side having one paragraph each with which to develop your discussion and line of reasoning. Since your essay is incomplete, this will not receive a very good task accuracy score.

The fact that you paraphrasing of the prompt discussion is also a bit hard to understand means that there is a lack of comprehension skills on your part and you do not have ample or simple abilities to properly explain your understanding of what you have read in English. Basically, this essay will not get a very good overall score due to the existing problems within it.

Graduate / My fascination by Modeling and Simulation. Statement of Purpose for Master in Computer Science [5]

Biswas, you are talking about changing your career from one to another, unrelated field in this instance. Therefore, it will be a bit more complicated for you to write this essay. For starters, you do not have to tell the bleeding heart story of how you wanted to take computer classes or that your father did not want to get you a computer, or have stipulations for giving you a computer to the reviewer. He does not have any interest in that background story. This is a statement of purpose for a masters degree course. This is not a personal statement for a college application essay. So all of that information is totally irrelevant to your application and will not be considered in the end. In fact, it so totally deviates the essay from the prompt requirement that there is a very good chance that the reviewer will not be interested in reading further into your essay beyond the first paragraph.

What you should be doing, is opening the statement with the fact that you have a background in EEE but have experience in teaching about computers. That will make the logical connection between your academic background, and your interest in a MS in computer science. In order to better present the information. You should try to improve the opening statement.

In the first paragraph. immediately explain that you have a background in Engineering but that your actual professional experience found you working in the computer science field as a teacher. That way you eliminate the need to discuss your college background. Instead, offer information about the training and seminars that you have attended as a teacher. That will take the place of the non-existent computer science college background for you. From there, you can just discuss why you were inspired to take higher studies in a course that you have no background in, but hope to be able to excel in the field through late education training. Don't forget to create a purpose for your application. Just because you have the inspiration for it doesn't mean that you have a purpose for it as well.

Try to revise the essay in the aforementioned format. I think that it will better serve your purpose for application at this point. I look forward to reading your new essay soon.

Writing Feedback / The Profit from Losing Money [38]

Hi Mualla, before I get started on commenting about the revised essay, I would just like to say "Thank You". I received the email that you sent to me via the admin of the forum. It was heart warming to read such appreciation for the work that I do for the students here at the forum. It inspires me to do even better in guiding all of you towards the fulfillment of your college dreams.

Now, for the added information in the essay. The information about the Polaroid camera is good but it lacks a definitive reason for you wanting to pursue the sales at the flea market. The addition of a sentence or two about your parents prodding you to get a job in order to earn money to buy the camera yourself should better explain why you would pursue the enticing advertisement for the flea market at that point. Say something about not knowing what kind of job you could get since you were just a high school student, or something of the sort. So the flyer came in the mail at just the right time.

By the way, are we over the word count yet? Let me know if we are so that we can work on shortening the essay into its final form with the next version. Thanks.

Undergraduate / Why Tufts: On religions and compassions [26]

You can refer to your teacher in this essay because she wrote a recommendation letter for you. That will definitely help increase your chances for consideration. Having the alumna of the school recommend you tells the university that there is something about you that will benefit from a Tufts education. You have to adjust the way that you introduce the teacher though.

You can start off the paragraph by explaining how you were at a loss for schools to apply for overseas. Then you had a chat with Hillary (make sure you get the spelling of her name right as her name is spelled 2 ways in the U.S.). Indicate Hillary's complete name, her major and subsequent years of attending Tufts. The reviewer will definitely want to verify her as being a true graduate of the university for her recommendation letter to carry more weight in considering your application.

By the way, make sure that her recommendation letter indicates the reasons why she believes that you will be a successful student at Tufts. What are your character traits that you share in common with the university? She has to explain why you should be a student by default at Tufts by justifying her recommendation.

Undergraduate / Common App Essay: My experience as a Volunteer EMT [4]

Neena, cut this paragraph. Make it end at the point where you discuss Biomedical Engineering. That offers the most complete background information for the prompt. The rest of the discussion in the paragraph talks about your future plans, which, as you can tell from the word future, is not related to the background story that you are expected to relate. So let's put a pin in this portion and save it for a more relevant discussion in some other common app prompt, if required to do so.

After you discuss the Biomedical Engineering portion, you can close that paragraph and work on developing a strong closing statement regarding your background. Discuss how the exposure that you received has helped you decide on what your future career should be and you look forward to using your previous experiences whenever possible in your classes.

Essays / My impact on communities. Help me to understand the demand of the following supplemental essay . [9]

Nanda, what is the college major that you are planning to apply for admission to at this university? Think about the far reaching implications of your completing this degree upon your hometown, your mother country, and hopefully, the world. Start by thinking small. How will this chosen major help you to give back to your community? Do you think that by completing this degree, you can effect some much needed change in your town or local community? How do you plan to do that? More importantly, how do you see this particular university helping to train and educate you regarding the implementation of these changes?

I have offered you a number of guide questions that should help you address the prompt. What you have to do now is address the questions by honestly responding to the questions provided. After you complete your draft, post it in a new thread and then we can work on making it more compliant or editing the content until it actually responds properly to the prompt already. Right now, I can't give you any further advice because I don't know how you plan to write this essay. I look forward to reading your draft when you finally it ready for review.

Undergraduate / UIUC-Transfer Essay- Talk about your motivation and how will the university help fulfill your goals [4]

Johnny, do not talk about the cost of education as you have in your last paragraph. That is irrelevant to the reason as to why you wish to change schools. You had the right idea at the end of the first paragraph, where you said that your current college has limited opportunities available for your intellectual and technical growth in this field. For the second paragraph, you should just support that statement that you previously made by offering some of the marked differences between your current university offerings and UIUC. By doing so, you must also qualify why you believe that such opportunities offered by UIUC is something that you feel will bolster your academic training and future career growth. After that, you do not have to say anything more. Just close the essay by repeating your desire to attend the university during the upcoming semester as a transfer student.

Undergraduate / I want to approach my values like limits in Calculus [19]

I am referring to the fact that your country doesn't really have much women working in professional capacities. Most specially in capacities that are normally reserved for me. If you can highlight the way that Barnard can help you develop your career in this field, you can also serve as an inspiration to other women in your country upon your return. That is the aim of Barnard after all, to help empower women to become leaders and inspirations in their respective fields. That is a common ideology that you share with the university aside from Feminism. So you should discuss some of it in order to show why you believe that Barnard would be the best college for someone of your mindset who has a desire to promote women's rights. This should be one of the focal points of the reason why you wish to study at Barnard. Aside from the other academic and socio-civic offerings that the university represents.

Undergraduate / Raising questions about the workings of the cosmos [5]

That might help. I can't be sure at the moment because I do not know what additional information you want to add. I will only be able to tell if the additional information will be useful in enhancing your essay once you present the revised essay in this thread. So go ahead and include the information about the specific interests that you want to pursue in Astronomy. We can decide what to do with the additional information then.

Just for my guidance, I would like to know if you are an Astronomy major in college? I need to know what your major is so that I can better understand the kind of responses that you will be expected to deliver. I will have to be prepared to guide you accordingly. So just let me know what your major is so that I can be better prepared regarding how to best edit and revise this and your succeeding essays. Thanks.

Undergraduate / I want to approach my values like limits in Calculus [19]

I think that you need to add some things about Barnard college itself that will help to make the connection between you and why this university would be a perfect fit for you. If I may offer you some additional information to consider adding to your essay, you should also look into the fact that since you come from a country that limits the participation of women in the work force, then you will definitely benefit from the training that you can get through internships related to your major via the Barnard career office.

As for the social and civic participation that makes Barnard a good fit, you can try to mention that you would like to continue your mentoring of the underprivileged or the promotion of women's rights through the Barnard Center for Research on Women. These are some of the reasons that I can see which can further solidify your statement about wishing to become a true feminist by partaking of an education at a truly feminist institution like Barnard.

Undergraduate / My role as the first child of my family [3]

Mubarak, you should add a paragraph that will detail the kind of influence that you have had on your siblings, your parents, and other family members. As you present yourself to be an integral part of the daily administration of tasks in your household, you should be able to also influence the members of the family. Your first two paragraphs clearly depict the kind of responsibilities that you have in the household and also, the kind of influence that you think you excel upon your family members. That is not enough for this essay.

While it is good that you can tell the reviewer about the influence that you try to exert upon the family members, it would be even better if you can show the reviewer how your influence has helped to develop your family relationships. Either by offering an example of how your siblings look up to you as a role model, or how your parents are proud of you, not only because of your academic achievements (if any), but also because of the responsible individual that they were able to raise. Both scenarios require you to offer an example of how you have positively influenced the people in your family. That should not be too hard for you to do since you already started to discuss it in the second paragraph. I think you only need 2 paragraphs more. One for your depiction of your siblings treating you as a role model, and one paragraph that clearly shows how proud your parents are of the young adult that you have become.

Since you only have 150 words to get this done, You will need to delete the current second paragraph in favor of a clearer presentation based upon my comments above. I am sure you will be able to do this within the word requirement. I look forward to reading your revision.

Undergraduate / CHANGE AMERICA SCHOLARSHIP - FILM and Television major [3]

Sasha, you will not have the ability to change all of the problems that America is facing. Regardless of your good heart and willingness to portray all of the problems on film, you won't be able to enact any real changes by trying to take on all of the problems the country faces. As a film journalist / documentary film maker, you should choose an advocacy to represent through your film work. Will you try to change the American mindset regarding climate change? Or maybe you will want to try to unite the country as simply a single nation, regardless of political party affiliation? Address the problems of immigration in the country and how to solve it? These are some major problems that the country currently faces, sans a solution. Your job, as the scholarship applicant, is to choose the cause closest to your heart. Just one cause, and discuss the possible way that film making will be able to help you address the problem and then present a simple solution or create the foundation for a solution to the problem that you have chosen to represent. That is how you will manage to change America. Choose the problem, just one, then think of how film making can help to resolve the issue. Either through educating the viewer or piecing together the highlights of your film into a possible solution to present for the consideration of the viewing public. This isn't just about assembling a film crew, shooting a few scenes, editing it, then presenting it to the public. You are not being asked to present the nightly news. You are being asked to present a possible solution to a problem that can be possibly resolved through film journalism.