Essays / Civil service in Korea. KGSP Self Introduction Content [20]

You can present an overview of that in the self introduction as part of the reason or motivation that you have to study in Korea. Save the more detailed discussion of the decision making process for your choice of university for your study plan. You can really let yourself go in that essay. So you can connect the choice of the university with the thesis you have planned as well as how the university can help you complete the study, discussion about curriculum, faculty members, mentor programs, internships, etc., will be best discussed in your detailed study plan. You can move on to drafting your study plan now. Word of advice though. Take a few days to think of our master thesis statement first. Then do research about the university in relation to your thesis. Only when you have those two complete sets of information should you even begin to outline and draft your study plan.

Essays / Civil service in Korea. KGSP Self Introduction Content [20]

That paragraph will only work if you plan to do more business with Korea after you graduate. That is a statement that I think is best reserved for your post study plans / career goals essay. Don't over complicate the content of your self introduction. The letter of self introduction should do exactly that. Introduce you to the scholarship reviewer. However, the introduction should solely be based upon the requirements of the prompt that you were provided. Any other information that you wish to present should wait for the proper opportunity to be presented. Usually in one of the two remaining essays. I believe that this current essay is ready for use once you add the information I approved earlier. Keep the essay simple, informative, and on track with the information the reviewer wants to read. This particular comment of yours, can be added later on to one of the two remaining essays.

Essays / Civil service in Korea. KGSP Self Introduction Content [20]

That sounds like a clear presentation of additional reasons as to why you would be interested in the country and the language. If you can further expand on it by indicating how you are broadening your exposure to all things Korean even before you take formal Hangul lessons as a scholar, then that should further help your application. Indicate an interest in doing some self preparations for taking the TOPIK test by doing your best to familiarize yourself with both the written and spoken Hangul language. Let the reviewer know that you are serious about receiving the scholarship so you are taking proactive measures to prepare for the test with the help of some Korean friends that you currently have. That should help to show that you are keen on immersing yourself in all things Korean and help increase the level of interest in your application.

Letters / Planning to meet a stranger and asking him his interests. [3]

Mastinder, when you write a practice letter, always remember to follow the correct letter writing format when you present it here for review. While we can make comments on your grammar, I can also help you improve your formatting skills if you present the work in the proper manner for my consideration here. In the meantime, your grammar structure n this essay needs a lot of work. You do not use question marks when necessary, You do not place a space between sentences, you lack the use of connecting words, and plural rules are used inconsistently. Please refer to a more proper example of your letter below:

Dear Friend,

How do you like your stay in India and Tamil Nadu so far? Based on your last email, I am wondering if you have finalized your dates for your Bangalore visit yet? I hope you can tell me when you will be coming over so that I can be your host. My weekends are usually available. I don't really consider myself a hard drinker, I am more of a social drinker. I just drink to help myself unwind once in a while. Let me know if you enjoy doing other things aside from Yoga. I'd like to know what else we have in common that we can do together during your visit. Don't worry about the nightlife in India, we have three popular hangouts namely; UB City, Indrananger, and MG Road. I would love to take you to MG Road when you come over. It is near the place where I live and is a very exciting place to visit.

Let me know if you need a place to stay for the weekend, you are more than welcome to stay at my place if you haven't booked a hotel yet. I hope to hear from you soon.

Your friend,
Mastinder

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Moving to a new city or country is not agood idea because you will lose your old friends [4]

The full prompt for the essay dictates that you either agree or disagree with the statement provided. Therefore, you have to consider which side of the statement you believe to be true and choose to discuss that. Keep in mind that you need to be able to provide examples or reasons that are valid for your decision to either agree or disagree so pick the side that you can best discuss. There is no need to add an opposing point of view in the discussion because that is not required by the prompt instructions. Just provide the information being asked for. Do not add information that is not required because that will result in points deduction for you. The TOEFL test is very specific when it comes to its requirements and the points deductions are massive in the end so one simple mistake in the presentation of information, such as presenting information not required, could have unexpected consequences for your final score.

Scholarship / I was born and grown up in the northern country. 2017 Scholarship, Self-Introduction letter [11]

Ali, as a reminder, please post your questions in a separate, new thread instead of hijacking the thread of another poster. The rules of the forum clearly dictate that you are to start a new thread for your posts. So you are in violation of the rules at the moment and, once you are caught, could be suspended for the said violation. Having warned you about this, I will now proceed to explain the response to you. This is a one time deal. The next time you hijack a thread, you will be reported on the basis of rules violation. The only post that you should be making in other people's threads are helpful contributions such as comments on how they can improve their written work.

Now, the motivation will depend upon you and your reasons for applying to the program. There are no most important or least important motivations. There are no right or wrong motivations. There are no weak or strong motivations either. Whatever reason you have for applying for the scholarship program will be considered completely by the reviewer as your motivation. Don't worry about the motivation being weak or strong. You never know what will appeal to the reviewer. That is something that only the reviewer committee is familiar with. All you can do is write the best essay that you can and hope that your motivation is something that appeals to them.

Writing Feedback / Opinions of celebrities are powerful for young people who haven't decided their major. TOEFL Writing [2]

Asol, once again, I will remind you to please post the complete instructions for your essay prompt. Do not use the prompt instruction for your title. That will eventually result in your suspension from the forum. Please post the complete prompt instructions in the message box along with your response essay. Without the complete instructions, I am unable to judge if this is an opinion essay or what. While I can guess what it is that you are supposed to do in this essay, the other students and contributors here may not be familiar with the instructions. In order to make sure that everyone can participate in helping you improve your writing skills, you need to post the complete prompt, not just the topic sentence.

This essay, is an opinion statement that should clearly reflect whether you agree or disagree with the statement. The summary overview that you provided does not reflect your agreement or disagreement. All you had to say was "I fully agree" or "I completely disagree with the statement" in the summary introduction in order to properly complete the paraphrased summary portion.

Based on the prompt requirements, there is no way that you can score higher than a 1. That means that your response to the prompt is questionable because the line of discussion dictated in the instructions were not followed in the response presented. There are also serious problems in the grammar development of the essay that really makes it difficult for the reader to understand what you mean without doing multiple readings. Aside from that, you do not base all of your reasons on well known facts or popular opinion. You actually did research in order to complete the task. Something that you will not be allowed to do in an actual test. So do not do research when you do your succeeding practice tests.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Moving to a new city or country is not agood idea because you will lose your old friends [4]

Asol, please make sure that you post the complete prompt for your TOEFL practice test for our reference. Do not use the prompt as a title for your essay. Repeated violations of the title rule will result in your account suspension. Anyway, I believe that this is an agree or disagree essay so I will score it accordingly. If you wish to, you may also post the complete prompt people for scoring adjustments if any.

In all honesty, you could have scored a 5 on this essay had you not missed one very important point in the development of your opening statement. Your prompt restatement because inaccurate because you were unable to declare your disagreement with the statement provided at the start of the prompt. That is important because your essay discussion will be based upon the opinion that you started at the essay. Since the prompt restatement was incomplete, I had to deduct points for it. The overall essay is well developed though and allows for an understandable discussion of the prompt requirement. You used ample examples to support your stance and really made a very strong series of points that enlightened the reviewer towards your point of view. The score I was forced to give your essay is a 4 instead. Sorry about that. Points really had to be deducted as I explained earlier.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2: Some parents buy their children a large number of toys to play with. [7]

Sehat due to the fact that I am a native English speaker and my opening statement covers all of the important points of the prompt, my Task accuracy score will not be less than a 9. The same goes for the question of "What if I wrote the essay?". Based upon overall considerations my essay would not score less than a 9 as well.

The Task Accuracy is the most important part of the writing task because that is the portion that solidly proves your ability to understand instructions in English and also, explain yourself in English. Failing the task accuracy portion will severely limit the highest possible score that you can get.

In response to your question about where you can find essays that fall under the 7 band score, just run a search using the IELTS information that you seek. You will see a number of 7 band score essays online for you to read and learn from .

Writing Feedback / Nowadays overpopulation and crowding of large cities are considered a big problem in the world. [5]

Rozhnaz, you would have gotten a score no higher than a 3 in this essay. The reason for that is that you totally went against the prompt requirements and in the process, ended up changing the topic for discussion that you were expected to present. You were merely asked to either agree or disagree with the given statement.

In such an essay, all you have to do is pick a side and present some supporting evidence to help justify your opinion. Nowhere in the prompt are you being asked to present an expanded opinion of the essay prompt. Therefore, you clearly misunderstood the prompt instructions and as such, cannot be given a passing score for any of the criteria involved in the scoring process. You cannot possibly get a passing score in the other aspects when you failed to properly address the task in the first place.

To top it off, rather than simply restating the prompt requirements in the summary opening statement, you decided to present an opinion in that portion. As you know, the opening statement is only meant to test your English comprehension skills. You are expected to explain what you understand of the prompt and then explain how you will discuss the topic based on the instructions of the prompt. the opinions or additional information should only be seen in the body of the paragraph.

Due to all of the mistakes that you made in the development of this essay, I really do not see how you can score any higher with this work that you produced.

Scholarship / "Move Forward' My Letter of Self-Introduction for KGSP [8]

Paragraph 6 is unnecessary. If it has not happened yet, then it will not help your application. Just remove that reference for now. Instead, try to build on the idea regarding why you chose to study this course in Korea. Look up information about the advancements in this field, specifically related to the university you want to enroll in. Use that information to further strengthen your motivation and desire to study in Korea.

Speaking of your desire to study in Korea, you should combine the paragraph about your principal who introduced you to Korean culture and society with the content of paragraph 6. The removal of the course you have yet to complete can be replaced effectively with the information from your principal. The rest of the essay seems to work well so far. So the next posting you should make must deal only with the changes in the paragraph I mentioned. The other parts don't really require any changes at this point. We may need to adjust something later on, after we fix paragraph 6.

Undergraduate / I plan to get a doctorate in Clinical Neuropsychology - UNIV. OF TEXAS SOP (PSYCHOLOGY/NEUROSCIENCE) [6]

Tana, I see where you are coming from now. The essay that you wrote includes the important elements I suggested but it is not really explained in a clear manner. So let's see if I can help you fix the presentation instead. The statement of purpose follows a specific format and needs to give the reviewer specific information so we need to go paragraph by paragraph for the content of your essay.

Paragraph 1: Introduce yourself to the reviewer. Give him your name, your country of origin, tell him a little bit about your family, your father in particular and the kind of influence that he had on you. After that, explain how your life changed after he was murdered by his brother. These events will be the motivation for your interest in Neuropsychology.

Paragraph 2: Pose the question about "What led my uncle to kill my father?". Explain how this trauma led you to follow the teachings of Freud and other authors of psychoanalysis books. Talk about the events that led you to work at the pyschologist's office. What did you learn there? Discuss it. What conclusion about your college degree did this exposure and other influencing activities lead you to about your chosen major?

Paragraph 3; What do you want to accomplish during your time in college? What question do you want to find an answer to in relation to your father's case? How do you plan to use this knowledge in the future to help others?

Paragraph 4: Shift the discussion to why you opted to enroll at University of Texas. Why do you believe that this university is your best bet for completing this course?

These are the elements of your SOP that we can use to draft your new essay. Try to respond as best as you can to these questions and we will work on building up and weaknesses your essay may have from that point on. These questions will help you to better express yourself and create a clearer purpose for your desire to study in this field.

Writing Feedback / Music cannot be substituted. People can't live without it. [2]

Adam, you really did some pretty impressive work on this essay. You really understood the prompt and did your best to discuss the questions posed by the prompt. However, your excellent understanding of the prompt requirements was affected by the weak paraphrased opening and closing statement that you presented. While you did present the first few questions properly in the opening discussion, you lacked a representation for the part of the prompt that dictates:

Is the traditional music of a country more important than the international music that is heard everywhere nowadays?

While you presented an explanation that stated your opinion on the matter, there was no foundation for the response you provided. Before you can present an overview response, you first need to present the paraphrased question. Without the questions provided first, the outline of the discussion that is to follow becomes confusing to the reader.

In the conclusion, you represented only the response to the importance of traditional music. You did not properly conclude the essay by restating the prompt requirement through a summary of the important points you discussed in the essay.

Based upon the slight problem with the paraphrasing and the grammar structure errors in the essay, I believe that you can only get a possible score of 5 on this essay.

Scholarship / From dreams into reality. It's first self-introduction of my life. I'm applying for KGSP [10]

Wong, when you introduce yourself, there is no need to mention that you got your computer at the age of 12 and the minor things that you did which helped you gain an interest in it. You should restate that portion to not introduce an age and instead, just indicate that you have had a passion for computers since high school when you began to develop skills in computer programming that helped you earn money. This is the information that can be gleaned as the start of your motivation to become an advanced computer user.

One of the requirements of the KGSP scholarship is that you also speak about your hopes and wishes in life, including a point of view about life. That is not included in this version of your essay. I suggest that you include that point of view in relation to how your continued growth in the computer field has helped you to understand the complexities of life and how it can be resolved. That is a suggested approach to the hopes and dreams portion of the essay. You may also approach it from any angle that you want, as long as you reflect the necessary information.

Your second paragraph is too confusing. Try to consolidate the information you only your accomplishments in college because you need to introduce information about your internship that you had difficulty with. That way, when you say that you have the same problems now that you are a professional as when you were an intern, the reviewer will know what you are talking about. Connect these with the reason why you believe the KGSP can help you get a better education instead of studying the same course in your country which would be cheaper for you to do.

Please do not mention anything about family finances in the letter. You do not need to beg for the scholarship. You just need to apply for it. It is already a given that you cannot afford to study in Korea, much less support yourself as a student. Do not waste the space offered to you on paper. Build up the reasons that motivated you to apply for this program instead. Talk about computer technology, the chance to work in Korea for further training, or similar themes in the paragraph.

Do not mention K-Pop as a reason that you are interested to study in Korea. Be professional in your presentation. Clean up the discussion you presented about the Asia summer program instead and the exposure that you had to Korean culture and activities instead. That is more impressive to read about than K-Pop, which is the reason more applicants have for their interest in Korea.

Scholarship / I was born and grown up in the northern country. 2017 Scholarship, Self-Introduction letter [11]

Since this is a self introduction for a KGSP scholarship, you must write about your hopes and wishes in the self introduction, not in the career goal or study plan. You can write about any topic for the hopes and wishes. It can be about your personal hopes and wishes, or anything else that you would want to write about. Not necessarily about the hopes and dreams that you have for your career. The prompt specifies that you need to discuss this matter here. So do not discuss it in the other essay prompts for the scholarship because that is not where the opportunity to discuss the hopes and dreams lie. The last 2 scholarship essays that you have to write also have prompt specific requirements which need to be followed to the letter. I must reiterate that you stick to the prompt requirements otherwise you will endanger your chances for consideration for the grant. Deliver all of the required elements and information as per the prompt requirements for the self introduction letter. Review the prompt instructions, you will see the specific requirement regarding discussing your hopes, dreams, and wishes in this letter. Do not omit to include the information here. It will be useless and could possibly ruin your chances for consideration if you discuss it in a non related essay prompt.

Writing Feedback / Percentage of the variation of old people, who are above their sixties [2]

To, you need to provide the graph so that I can confirm the accuracy of the information you are providing. Read the first paragraph and you will see that you are short of the standard paragraph requirement. That simply means that your overview summary is lacking but I am unable to detect the missing information due to the lack of the graph. Watch out for your typing errors. Do not be careless. Remember that all proper nouns are capitalized so you cannot have Japan spelled with a small j as you do now. While the rest of the paragraphs seem to be well informed, I am unsure as to the quality of information provided. Please provide the prompt as soon as you can so that I can compare the data with the graph. You know the rules, we can't help you if we can't see the information.

Writing Feedback / Different techniques to encourage children for higher activity. Competitiveness or cooperativeness? [3]

Ho, you once again failed to understand the prompt requirements. You turned a comparison and opinion essay into a purely opinion essay instead. The prompt clearly states that you are to discuss both sides and then give your opinion. The resulting paragraphs would have produced a total of 5 paragraphs. You only have 2 complete paragraphs and two sentence lines. Obviously, you will not pass this exam because of the big mistake in the discussion style. I predict that you will not get higher than a 4 in this instance. You must always double check the prompt requirements before you submit the essay. Make sure that the instructions for the discussion are completely followed. You always neglect to check yourself before submission. If you continue to submit essays without double checking the content and prompt requirements during the practice test, the chances are that you will make the same mistake in the actual test, which would result in you failing the all important test. Do not be careless. Be careful and treat the practice tests like the actual test. There is a reason that it is called a practice test. This allows you to make mistakes that you can learn from in order to improve your weak points before the actual test.

Writing Feedback / This figure illustrates some new construction in the town of Garlsdon [4]

Ho, the results of this essay could be no higher than a 3 for you. There are simply too much left over information in the map that you failed to represent in the essay. This map clearly required an analysis of how the creation of a second supermarket would benefit the community. That is why there was information related to the number of kilometers it would take for the residents of each town to get to each supermarket. While you did present the information about the road kilometers in the essay, you failed to analyze it properly in reference to the actual meaning of the drawings. Therefore, you only represented the information as it appeared in the illustration. The lack of analysis and further development of the presented information on your part held back the possible high score that you could have gotten for this essay.

Each part of the essay should have been mentioned in relation to the number of residents, the distance of the first supermarket from each town, and an analysis as to whether or not the creation of a second supermarket would have been beneficial to the residents of the towns indicated. Keep in mind that the second supermarket is still being planned. In your essay, you make it sound as if the supermarket is already in existence. So you misunderstood the instructions, as well as the map illustrations.

Undergraduate / I plan to get a doctorate in Clinical Neuropsychology - UNIV. OF TEXAS SOP (PSYCHOLOGY/NEUROSCIENCE) [6]

Tana, thanks for the prompt. I think that there is room for improvement in your statement. The first thing you have to ask yourself is this, "How does my current course relate to the future course I want to take?" When you figure out the relation, explain it in your essay. So you will need to mention your current university, your current major, and the relationship between your current and future major. Now if there is no relation, then explain why you decided to switch majors, bit I digress. Let's go back to the relation question.

At this point, you have to make a decision about what you actual major is going to be. You can't use the slash method of choosing a major because that is the sort of indecision that college reviewers frown upon. Pick a major and stick to it for now. You have the option to change majors in the future. For now, the important thing is that you get into the college of your choice.

Once you have chosen your major, think about why you have chosen that course. You sent a good precedent in the essay that you wrote when you mentioned the influence of Freud upon your way of thinking and your realization that one of these courses would be the perfect career path for you. What exactly made you think that? The response you get for that is close enough to the purpose for your study. If you can, try to think of a particular field that attracts you and explain why. Maybe you have a relative that suffered from the illness or something. Whatever the reason, make sure that it sounds like the basis for your purpose.

Finally, your purpose should relate to wanting to help others by becoming an expert in this field. Discuss how you look forward to helping others get better and how you plan do to that. Kind of like, "I want to study psychology so that I can help to bring crime rate down in terms of mental illness related crimes." or "My grandfather is in the early stages of Dementia. I want to study Neuroscience so that I can understand his illness and how I might be able to help him, along with others who suffer from the same illness in the future." Those are some of examples of purpose statements that you can make in your essay that will help you build a page long statement of purpose.

Graduate / Goals to implement; being professional means being successful [5]

Here is the thing, you are writing a post study plan and yo have to be truthful about this plan.This is your career goal after graduation from the KGSP course of study. You are looking at a five year plan for your future. So think about your ultimate plan. What is the end goal of your studies or your final phase for your career? You say that your long term career plan is to work for the Department of Africa and Asia. That is fine. That is the 5 year career goal. So the question that remains is, how do you plan to achieve that ultimate career goal? After you graduate, what steps will you need to take? Where do you have to start working in order to finally be employed at that government agency? Is this something that you have to apply for directly after graduation?

Maybe it would be best if you gain work experience in other offices or agencies prior to your employment at the said department? What other agencies can be your stepping stone towards that agency? Indicate the steps or agencies that you have to work for first where you can build upon the knowledge that you gained in Korea before you are employed at the Department of Africa and Asia. You have to show a planned career progression in the essay. If possible, show how your joining the department will be benefited by your Korean training in say, project implementation. Perhaps you have a project in mind for your time employed at the agency that can be implemented with the help of the Korean government? A joint project is usually the most widely received and appreciated career plan / goal.

Now, it does not matter whether you actually get to work for the agency or not at this point. This is just a plan of action. It is not set in stone. Just like any other plans, it has room and time to change. All the reviewer needs to know, is that you have a career direction that relates to the course you will be studying in Korea. Nothing more, nothing less. This is just was the essay title says it is, a post study career goal.

Undergraduate / I plan to get a doctorate in Clinical Neuropsychology - UNIV. OF TEXAS SOP (PSYCHOLOGY/NEUROSCIENCE) [6]

Tana, I am wondering if you have been given any particular prompt to respond to for the statement of purpose as most universities opt to do these days. If so, you will need to follow their instructions and provide only the information requested for the essay. Share the questions here so I can give you further guidance as to how to respond to the set of inquiries from the university. If you have not received any prompt guides though, and do not expect to do so, then you have to revise this essay in order to provide the general information expected in a statement of purpose.

Another question I need an answer to from you is, are you applying to a college or a masters degree course? The statement of purpose for each one requires different responses. Once you clarify which type of statement of purpose you have to write, I will be able to assist you in the formal development of your statement. The one that you have written at the moment should be set aside as your personal statement (if required to submit one) instead.

Writing Feedback / PTE Summarize written text in one sentence. IT and blue-collar workers [3]

Ethan, my take on your paragraph can be found below composed of 71 words. This paragraph is a bit complicated to paraphrase in only 75 words due to the numerous important information involved. So you have to learn how to combine the information into a continuous thought pattern such as the one I developed below. This takes lots of practice and even then, is a bit difficult to do because of the exam time constraints involved. So to complete this in the actual scenario, you need to be able to relax yourself and actually allow yourself time to think rather than panic and keep watching the clock. That is how you will fail this part of the test. Just breathe, relax, analyze, take notes, and write. Try to keep a clear head at all times.

17th and 18th century society was divided by experimentation based on practical experiments that led to economic rise, 20th century society was dvided based on IT and blue-collar workers, while the 21st century is economically and socially divided based on information technology along with the need to analyze and solve business and social problems, resulting in the creation of a unique type of economic and social class yet to be named.

Writing Feedback / The figure illustrates the number of three kinds of fast food eaten by youths in Australia [6]

Sehat in the opening statement. Do not put the food choices in a parenthesis. These are integral parts of the information provided in the line graph and should therefore, be represented in a completely developed sentence as well. Now, with 223 words, you are well within the limits of the word requirement.

Congratulations on being able to write more than the 150 word minimum in a manner that showcases your writing abilities and analytical skills. Word of caution though, make sure to use the correct plural form for words. For instance, "unit" should have been written as "'units" because it pertains to a high number of food consumers, hence the plural form.

By the way, your second paragraph is running too long. You have to divide that into 2 statements in order to make easier to read and avoid stressing out the reader due to the lack of spaces between sentences. You could have easily developed a very interesting 4 paragraph statement. However, doing so would have required you to create more interesting paragraphs. Which means you would have to analyze the data more in order to write pertinent information for the reader. I know, it sounds difficult, but if you pull it off, you will end up impressing the examiner because of your task accuracy and grammar range accomplishments. Overall, not a bad essay. It might get a 5 easily in the actual test scenario.

Scholarship / I'm really expecting a lot from studying in Korea. SOP for applying to a scholarship (KGSP) [23]

Well, the ideas are not raw at all. This is not an essay meant for an English test so the words and vocabulary that you used are acceptable. You need not prove a high level of English writing skill at this point, rather you need to be able to express yourself and your ideas clearly, in English. The idea behind your research in intriguing. It is something that I have not come across yet and I hope the reviewer will also not have come across a similar application yet. The essay has potential. If you had typed the revision on the PC or laptop instead of a tablet or mobile phone, things would have come across better as better formatted. When you make the revisions, and if you want to receive additional feedback (if any), just post the revised essay here. Remember, use a real computer, no androids for the revision :-) That is what messes your work up.

Writing Feedback / Task 2 IELTS The line graph illustrates amount of UK employee transporting every day [5]

You find below my example of a more properly developed overview summary statement. It includes an analysis of the information provided and offers an outline for the upcoming paragraph discussions.Please note that this is only an example of how I would write the overview summary. Others may approach the overview in a different way. Therefore, you have to develop your own overview writing style based upon my example and the example from others who might also offer you some suggestions regarding how to best write a summary overview.

The information provided in the line graph pertains to commuters in the UK. The graph indicates the amount of commuter use by the millions of travelers for various transport services. The specific transport services included in the graph are the car, bus, and train. The comparisons provided cover a yearly period starting from 1970 up to the 2000's, and includes a projection of commuters for the year 2020 up to the year 2030.

Grammar, Usage / When I was small, I have covered many wonderful places in India. Need correction and better words [3]

Singh, here is my take on improving your statements:

As young person, I benefited from my father's service in the Indian Army. He was often given assignments in various places around the country over a period of 3 years. The family always traveled with him, be it to a big city or a remote area in India. Home for me has always been an army base. While moving around was a bane, I appreciated making new friends in new places and felt sad each time I had to leave my friends, the school I was just learning to settle into, and the city that I had yet to fully discover.

My most notable stay was in Kashmir. I lived there with my family for almost 3 years. I developed a liking for the place because of the numerous lakes and gardens that were always a joy to visit. If I close my eyes and breathe deeply, I am transported back to Kashmir where my senses actively imagine the relaxing scent of Shalimar, Nishat, and Chasm-e-shahi from the Mughal Gardens of Srinagar permeating the air I breath.

Graduate / This is an essay for admission to an American university for masters in construction management. [29]

Ratan, then you will have to respond to the number 4 question in the list that you gave me. To be specific, that is the following question:

MS (non-thesis) -- What are your career goals?

Basically, you have to respond clearly to number 3, in relation to the detailed explanation of your research goals. This time though, your research goals must relate directly to your career goals. So, first, explain your research question. Explain the importance of the research to your field. This should reflect how your background is related to the question you have posed and the importance of the thesis statement.

Detail how you plan to complete the research. Explain the results you hope to achieve. Then finally, explain how this research relates to your short term career goals. Say something like "Based upon these results, I will then plot my five year career plan." Start a new paragraph that says:

"For my short term plan, I plan to build upon my work experience covering a period of 5 years. During this time I see myself becoming a ....."

That should work to help you draft your non-thesis response.

Writing Feedback / Task 2 IELTS The line graph illustrates amount of UK employee transporting every day [5]

To, you don't need to keep saying "Hi I am practicing on IELTS and I got this prompt:" That is already repetitive since you say it in every post. Just post the prompt in the box along with your essay. We already know that this is for IELTS Task 1. You even made a mistake in your title because you identified this as Task 2. Make sure to identify the right task so that we can assess based upon the correct criteria. Your opening statement does not properly deliver the summary overview of the important data and information that is presented in the line graph. If you had done it properly, you would have had the minimum 3 sentence requirement in your paragraph. The second paragraph cannot be composed of a single sentence either. All paragraphs need at least 3 sentences in order to be considered somewhat complete in presentation of information. Bear that in mind. That is a standard and mandatory prompt presentation style. Your presentation is too mechanical in nature. There is a lack of clear analysis of the line graph in the presentation of the information. This is evident because you did not present any additional information in the essay aside from the very obvious information presented in the graph. An analysis would have been proven by the inclusion of information that is not clearly seen, but can be found upon further inspection of the graph. Basically, the essay lacks a number of things that could have helped you to score higher in this task. Try to improve your analysis skills with your next test and also, develop a better style of writing your summary overview. I think your score for this test would be no higher than a 4 because of the aforementioned reasons.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2: Some parents buy their children a large number of toys to play with. [7]

HI Sehat, your essay can get a score of at least 5 in my opinion. You accurately discussed the prompt requirements and presented some pretty good supporting evidence for it. However, you did not properly represent the prompt instructions in the opening statement. That is what led to the lower score for you in the end. The task accuracy score suffered because of the improper paraphrasing of the prompt. The proper paraphrasing would have been something like this:

These days children have access to various kinds of toys. That is why parents have a tendency to keep buying toys for their children, which result in the children having too many toys to play with. While there are some parents who believe that having a lot of toys is an advantage for their children, other parents believe that giving the children too many toys has a disadvantage. This essay will discuss both points of view.

A properly developed opening statement indicates the topic for discussion, the method of discussion, and the order in which it will be discussed in the essay. Note that my example delivers on all these points. If you can write an opening statement following the given format, then your task accuracy score will be increased because your essay will be better presented and developed.

Scholarship / I'm really expecting a lot from studying in Korea. SOP for applying to a scholarship (KGSP) [23]

The problem regarding capitalization of proper nouns still exists in this essay. It is almost as if you did not even read the previous advice given to you regarding this problem in this essay. You cannot present an unprofessionally written essay to the reviewer. You have to understand that you are being judged by the reviewer based upon your writing skills in this letter. You have to show a level of writing skills that show you know the grammar rules and can write in a respectful, academic manner. That is not reflected in this essay because you have failed to properly represent the proper nouns such as the name of the country itself, which can be taken as a direct insult by the reviewer because Koreans have such high respect for their country and would never make that mistake in writing the name of their country. Then, there is the title of the book in Korean. Though it is a translation of the Hangul title, you still have to write the title in capital letters. In paragraph 3, you wrote "... and Try" when the proper way to write it is "... and try". You do not not capitalize a word in the middle of a sentence unless it is a proper noun. These are amateur mistakes that you should have already caught by now. Apply the necessary corrections and the essay will be ready to use

Scholarship / I was born and grown up in the northern country. 2017 Scholarship, Self-Introduction letter [11]

With regards to the opening statement, try to make your statement more about the realization regarding handicap people something that you gained through travels with your family. You need not say that you were very young or whatever. That is to become your motivating statement so it should only contain references to your observations and how it opened your mind to the problems of the disabled and fueled your passion to help them.

The reference to the WHO definition and your accompanying explanation weaken the motivation in that paragraph. Remove those parts, focus on your motivation solely in that paragraph. Please correct the grammar in paragraph 2. "Studding Universal Design" should instead reflect "Studying Universal Design".

While your view about life, based upon your experiences can be integrated into your motivation to study this course, you need to create a more definitive paragraph for your hopes and wishes for the future. This can relate to either your future career or how you hope to help the disabled in the future. What is your wish and hope for them that you desire to turn into a reality by completing this masters degree?

You have to make the above suggested changes in order to bring the letter closer to the content requirement of the scholarship essay. Once you complete the changes, you should be able to produce a more relevant letter of introduction that will probably need one or two more adjustments before it reaches its final form.

Undergraduate / Mesmerizing world of Chemistry - Personal Statement on my activities and plans for next years [2]

Pam, the only revision to your essay that I can suggest at this point is the removal of the first 2 paragraphs. Since the information required of you is tremendously clear in the prompt, the stories that you shared at the beginning of the essay, within the first 2 paragraphs, turns out to be out of context. However, the story of being a prefect boy in the middle of paragraph two is required in the essay.

If possible, lift out the portion about you being a prefect boy and open the essay with that line instead. that way you respond to the "contribution to school life" first with the representation of the rest of the essay requirements following that. The remaining paragraphs fall within the prompt requirements. It creates an excellent picture of you as a person beyond being a student. You show yourself to be an achiever outside of school as well. This will help to increase your skill set in the mind of the reviewer. So while the first two paragraphs do not blend with the essay, it did not cause a severe problem in terms of revising your essay. You just need to remove those paragraphs in order to create a final and usable copy of your work.

Writing Feedback / The pie charts illustrate how the proportion of annual expenditure was changed in a UK school [4]

Jens, while you wrote 166 words for this essay, which is above the minimum requirement, that was not enough to gain you a final score higher than a 4 overall. That is because the information that you presented in the summary is incomplete. For starters, your overview summary did not represent all of the required points based on the pie chart segment titles. Those classifications were a necessary part of the summary. Then, you presented the pie chart information incorrectly in your body. Since there were 3 charts, there should have been 3 individual presentations for each pie chart prior to the overall comparisons that you presented. The individual chart presentations would have better delivered the measurements in expenses per chart, thus creating a more comprehensive summary report on your part. This essay is a good effort though. There is still room for improvement and I am sure I will see those improvements over time. Keep writing. You can only get better from here.

Writing Feedback / Evolution on people's quality of life through the making of foods [4]

For example, when you said "humans have invented enumerated tools...", you created a confusing sentence because the correct development would have been "humans invented tools". I know that you listed the equipment in the sentence but saying enumerated in the sentence means to "list". The clarity of the sentence, in terms of meaning was affected. It became confusing. Another example, "Evolution of humans ideology" is wrong. Saying "The evolution of human life" is more proper. What exactly did you mean by " enduring consequent efforts,,," ? Consequent means to "follow as a result or effect." The meaning of this sentence causes stress for the reader because the point of discussion became confusing. There are a number of other notable errors in the essay but I think these examples will be sufficient for now.

Writing Feedback / PTE Essay: should age discrimination be made illegal [3]

Ethan, your score for this essay will be a 0. You were asked to discuss if age discrimination should be illegal. Not whether a law should be passed to make it illegal. There is a big difference between the two topics and I am afraid you got it confused.When you are asked if the practice of age discrimination should be made illegal, you are being asked for an opinion pertaining to the creation of a law. That is different from asking you if a law regarding age discrimination should be passed. What you discussed were the reasons that a law should be passed against it. Not whether it should be made illegal or not. You basically discussed something related to the topic provided, but not the actual topic you were instructed to discuss. I know the topic instructions may have confused you for some reason. You have to know that these confusing questions are common place when testing the English comprehension skills of an individual. It shows that you can analyze the requirements of a discussion presented to you and that you can accomplish the discussion accurately based upon a proper understanding of the discussion. .

Graduate / This is an essay for admission to an American university for masters in construction management. [29]

You don't have to present your career goals anymore in this essay because the university only requires the career goal for the non-thesis students. Since you are a thesis student, the focus of the university is more on how you will be able to utilize the university in doing cutting edge research for your chosen field. That is why the prompt for you is more research based rather than career based.

The prompt makes that very clear. If you are following a thesis program, be as explicit as you can about the basis of your research. While they ask for a number of research topics that you are interested in, I believe that you should present no more than 2 research areas so that you do not become too wordy in your essay. It is also easier to create a relationship between the two interests as far as your desire to learn about the topics are concerned. You seem to have adequate background in the WPC area so your research plans should be more detailed that the current presentation. So in paragraph 5, remove the reference to TAMU and instead, expand the discussion of your research plans based upon the prompt requirements that you listed for that portion.

Work on revising the essay to address the prompt question and instructions directly. That will be the best way to present your essay. Do not beat around the bush or fill it with too much backstory. Just get to the point as soon as you can within all your paragraph responses. Your essay will be better received by the reviewer because of it.

Writing Feedback / The consequences of deforestation would be even more serious than the global warming [4]

Rain, you should have place a period instead of a comma at the end of the second sentence in the opening statement because that stated a fact that did not have a continuing idea. Only continuing ideas require a comma to be used in the same sentence to connect the two thoughts.

Rather than saying "On the one hand" and "On the other hand", clearly state that you will be discussing the opinion being presented in the prompt. You have to be clear about that because your opinion is required to be presented as a separate paragraph instead of as a part of the two discussions. So some of the terms that you can use to indicate that you are discussing a prompt required topic is by saying, "The people who are of the opinion that...", "One of the thoughts regarding this situation is that...", then transition to the next required prompt by opening the next paragraph with "However, there are those who believe...", "Some believe that..." , "Others are of the opinion that...", "There is a contradictory thought that says..", just to show you a few examples of how to better respond to the required portion. After discussing the two opinions, you can then present your own opinion by saying "In my opinion..." , "I believe that...", "I support the idea that..." to show that you are owning your opinion and that the thoughts being presented are to be attributed to you.

Your conclusion is insufficient. It does not present the summary of the preceding discussion, there is no representation of your opinion in the concluding sentence, which would have led to a stronger closing paragraph. The overall score for this essay could be no higher than a 5.

Scholarship / My idea is about making SAMSUNG the only leading company in Africa [10]

Dawit, then say exactly that. The prompt asks you to discuss your reasons for wanting to study in Korea. Say that you do not know much about Korea aside from the country's leading position in terms of technological development. You want to learn about the country, traditions and culture that helped to make the country a leader in this field. Explain that you wish to study in Korea in order to create a better professional outlook for yourself based upon the experience of working, living, and immersing yourself in all things Korea. Be honest. Do not lie. If you do not know anything about the country, then use that as the major strength of your response.

In the 4th paragraph, remove the first half that you wrote because that sounds like information that you researched. Always go for personal enlightenment in terms of your responses. So the response that focuses on you wishing to work for Samsung responds well in terms of motivation and reasons for studying in Korea. Remove the 5th paragraph that you wrote because it is an irrelevant concluding sentence. You should just focus on the information that is required of you in the prompt. The way they have it structured, you will have presented an opening, a body, and a conclusion, all based upon the required information and nothing more.

Your essay is almost done. Just bear with me a little bit more in terms of editing it. We are almost over the hump. We should be done within 1 or 2 more edits.

Writing Feedback / Evolution on people's quality of life through the making of foods [4]

Jaya, let's break down the problems with your essay. In terms of task accuracy, your score will only be a 3 because of a number of reasons.

1. Your paraphrases thesis statement is confusing and does not really reflect the prompt topic and instructions.
2. Your discussion does not answer the question; "Has this changed the way people live?"
3. There are no traces of vague references to the actual prompt.

Based upon these reasons, you failed to address the task because you did not understand what was required of you. Due to these problems, your cohesiveness and cohesion did not score higher than a 3 either. Needless to say, you also failed the lexical resource section because your errors changed the message of the prompt. While in terms of grammar range and accuracy, your grammar errors just had too much to do with the change in the message of the essay. Therefore, your final score for this essay can only be no higher than a 3 on this essay.

Graduate / This is an essay for admission to an American university for masters in construction management. [29]

Ratan, thank you for providing me with the actual prompt requirements for the SOP. This will help me better direct your essay to become more responsive and to deliver on the expected answers. Let me go question by question with you so that you can better draft your response.

1. Why do you want to pursue graduate studies in CSE?
- For this, you have to state one of two things. Either the problems that you have with your job because you lack adequate training in the field or, a problem that you have recently become aware of in this line of work that you feel a need to address. I think that you response about the ambiguous clause in a contract that you discovered will make the best response for this question.

2. Why are you interested in Texas A&M?
- This is where the vague response that I mentioned comes in. Write a new paragraph based upon the following sentences in response to the question:

- Soon I found out CEM ...
- elite faculty and facilities ... ( be specific.)

As for questions 3 and 4, I first need to know if you are applying to the thesis or non-thesis track so that I can direct you towards the proper response.