Undergraduate / Is my personal statement "personal" enough? Does it tell the readers who I am? (Common App prompt 2) [3]

Khatan. I am wondering why your personal statement does not follow the common prompt for it. Are you responding to a specific prompt requirement for a particular university? If you are, you will have to share the prompt with us here because that will help us better review your work. Specially since it is quite extra ordinary in approach.

Normally, a personal statement talks more about yourself and the development of your interest in a particular field. It does not spend more than 80 % of the paper belittling and demeaning yourself on paper. The reviewer may wonder as to why you are so focused on your shortcomings and failure as a person and not as concerned about your strong points. When your personal statement talks positively about you for only 10-20 % of the essay, there is something tremendously wrong with it. I would like to find out if this approach is suggested by the prompt or if you misunderstood the instructions. Either way, this version is quite entertaining. I am just not sure if it is relevant to the prompt requirements.

Undergraduate / I am an elastic and completely down-to-earth guy. A note to my future roommate. (250) [12]

Nanda, I am not here to force my views upon you. If you are satisfied with this essay then this is the essay that you should use. My only role here is to review and offer advice for the further improvement of your essay. Had I known that you were already satisfied with this particular version, I would not have made any further suggestions. That was my mistake and I apologize for it. Go ahead and use this essay as you have it written. It is only your voice and your satisfaction in the presentation that is actually important in this instance. I don't need to add or revise anything because your personality should shine through, without too much editing in this particular essay. I wish you luck with your application. I know you will do well in the assessment phase.

Undergraduate / COLLABORATION AND THE TECHNOLOGICAL REVOLUTION [9]

Did these friends of yours join you in the competition or not? Clarify that point in the essay because it sounds to me like it was a collaborative team effort. Yet , according to you, you only asked them for advice regarding how to fix the problem. So this was still a rogue competition for you? Just you alone? Then why did you mention them at the end in the following light:

I was gratified to the nth degree while witnessing the dominance of team-effort over my technical insularity: however, my friends seemed disappointed for just securing a minimal honor in the competition. Watching our creation do something...

So was it a group competition or not? Your narration at this point is confusing. Clarify if they were in the competition with you or just disappointed that their advice was not enough for you to win the competition. That is all you have to do. If you don't want to do that then that is also fine. I will not insist.

Undergraduate / I am an elastic and completely down-to-earth guy. A note to my future roommate. (250) [12]

Nanda, the letter is good enough. It covers all of the possible common interests that you might have with your roommate and even goes the extra mile to offer a helping hand whenever your roommate might need it. However, I feel that you should reach out even more to your future roommate by indicating how the two of you can become steadfast friends throughout the year. Offer a verbal assurance of friendship and not just an acquaintance who you would want to hang out with. Talk about how you know how hard it can be for two incoming freshmen to adjust to life away from home so you'll be there to support him during the transition, just as you hope that he will be there for you when you feel homesick at times. That way, the two of you will manage to enjoy a special friendship and develop a lifetime bond. Sometimes, a letter to a roommate can be seen as a supporting platform for your roommate and create a bond of interest and friendship even before you meet. Let's try to inject that sentiment into your letter if we can.

Undergraduate / COLLABORATION AND THE TECHNOLOGICAL REVOLUTION [9]

Nanda, you have to make it clear in the essay that your science buddies did more than just advice you regarding how to fix the voice problem. You have to make it clear that the contest was part of a collaborative effort of the team composed of you and your science buddy friends. Without the indication that the team was created and you all agreed to join the contest, the lesson about collaborative intellectual development is unclear. If you are worried about the word count, you can still cut some parts of the beginning of the statement. If you wish, you could even just make simple mention of your habit of building things alone but when it came to this robot in particular, you just needed help to you reached out to your friends. Try to bring the reaching out and collaboration part into the essay sooner. Keeping it for the end of the essay doesn't allow for much development and doesn't really focus on the learning part as much as your going rogue at the start.

Undergraduate / 'Can I be the next team captain?' A bizarre situation and my reaction [3]

Shuprova, while I admire the simplicity of this essay, I question whether it is strong enough to make the impression that is required on the reviewer. The story that you are choosing to present, being a loner with a small group of friends who had to adjust to life in a new city where her family moved is what we call "a dime a dozen", meaning almost everyone in the applicant roster will be sharing some sort of variation on this story. So a we no longer find it impressive once it is given to us for review. What you need to do, if you wish to still use some information from this essay, is focus the essay on the part about joining the debate club in order to overcome your fear of public speaking. You can integrate your move to a new city in this topic if you wish. That will remove the generic sense of your essay by focusing on your problem of public speech instead of the moving to another city theme of your current essay. You will have almost all aspects of the prompt responded to except the "What did you learn from the experience" part. That one, needs a stand alone paragraph describing what you learned from getting over your fear of public speaking.

Undergraduate / COLLABORATION AND THE TECHNOLOGICAL REVOLUTION [9]

Nanda, throughout your story, you had highlighted the fact that you were a rogue, solitary, robot making madman who was defying the odds and the ire of your family in the quest of the fulfillment of your idea. Then all of a sudden, the story changes focus to the competition where you were now part of a team. Yet the reader doesn't get any clear concept of how the team helped you develop and build your robot. Therefore, the highlighted statement you made at the end doesn't make any sense. How did the experience with the team result in your intellectual development? You need to represent that part of the prompt in your essay. I would like you to consider lessening the focus on your solo work on the robot and instead, move as fast as possible within the essay to the team effort with a representation of ideas being exchanged so that you can better respond to the prompt.

Writing Feedback / The Profit from Losing Money [38]

Exactly. do you see how the addition of the term "single-income family" helped to explain more about the compelling reasons behind your desire to join the flea market? Doesn't it help to add to the objective and importance of what you tried to do? I think that it also added to the drama that was imparted to the reader when you were told about the stand fee. If you don't mind, I would like to suggest that you bring the sense of how you felt upon paying the stand fee into the paragraph that you wrote about it. Add something about how your dreams of helping with the finances were immediately dashed when you saw how much was left of your earnings after paying the fee. This will add some drama to the statement and make the realization of the joy that you brought others more marked because of the almost extreme loss on your part. The story then comes full circle and can be logically ended in the manner that you have developed. Sorry about the additional work. Let me know if it will still work with the word limit or not. If it works, then don't tell me anymore. Just use the essay. If you have a problem with the word count, I'll help you out.

Writing Feedback / The Profit from Losing Money [38]

Mualla, in the second paragraph, you need to make reference to your father being the single income earner of the family before your make reference to how your family stretches a dollar and wishing to contribute to your sister's medical treatment. The way that paragraph sounds at the moment, without that reference, it seems like your family is so destitute that the fair was the only way that an income for the needs of the family could be made. You need to correct that misconception. Once you add the information about your father, the essay will be all set for you to use, even without my approval. Everything else in the essay is all set and ready to go. Best of luck with your application. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

Writing Feedback / The Personality of Candidate Requirement in Recruitment of the Company [2]

Sarlinda, there is a common problem among the IELTS test reviewers that the term "according to me" or "according to my perspective", is an acceptable academic phrase. That is not so and you have just committed the same grammatical error. The term that you base this on is "According to..." which, by definition means any one of the following:

In agreement or accord with: according to his judgment; on the authority of; as stated or reported by.

As you can see from the definition of the phrase, there is absolutely no way that you can say "according to my perspective" in this essay. Mainly because you cannot agree with your own judgement / point of view / perspective nor state or report something as a secondary source of information because you are the actual source of the information. The use of the term has to do with referring to other sources of information. Therefore, it is just plain grammatically wrong for you to say "According to my perspective". The proper term that you should have used was "In my opinion" , , or "That is why I believe", maybe even "This is why I conclude that..."

The phrases that refer to your personal opinion in a more academically correct and acceptable manner are endless. Just stop using the wrong term for it because it does not show more complex vocabulary use nor grammatical range accuracy. Rather, it shows a lack of understanding of the English vocabulary, lexical meaning, and grammatical impropriety of your essay skills.

Graduate / "SAPERE AUDE" - SOP for PhD application - 'to help my people suffer less and live longer' [2]

Sara, when you are writing a statement of purpose, you shouldn't mix information that is meant for your personal statement in it. The essay that you wrote has a personal statement opening, the first 3 paragraphs to be exact. So those are the portions that are irrelevant and be removed from the essay without affecting the actual purpose of the statement.

Your opening statement should first, introduce your advance interest in the masters course in relation to your college degree. Summarize your college education, do not dwell on that presentation. If the two are not related, then justify why you feel that changing your career path, while still in the same field, is the logical next step for you. This cannot be simply based on a personal desire. The strongest arguments for a change in career path is always based upon a professional desire, fueled by a personal passion. It can never be based on a personal ambition alone. It is the professional desire that tells the reviewer whether or not you will be a potentially successful student in this course.

Your information about your published work is incomplete and sounds more like a summary than a research study that you had a notable participation in. If you cannot fully explain your important participation in the research, it will be best to include the publication date of the journal, along with the paper title so that the reviewer can look up the information himself. This will help to validate your claims of having worked on the drug development team. Believe me, the information will be verified because you mentioned it in your essay. Without that information about the publication, there will be a question of validity on your claims.

When you mention Dr. Hazel, explain why you are excited to work with the professor. Is this an excitement based simply on academic learning, or on collaborating with the research team headed by the good doctor? Expand upon that discussion before you close the essay.

Following the aforementioned guidelines, I believe that you will be able to create a better draft version of your statement of purpose that will just necessitate some simple editing or a little more information addition prior to finalizing.

Undergraduate / Lehigh Supplement Essay -- Igloo Architecture? [6]

Gari, this essay is best suited for a prompt about your academic pursuits at Lehigh or maybe something related to a personal statement. This is not the proper essay for the commonalities prompt. The statement that you wrote cannot be used for the purpose you hoped to have developed it for.

When you discuss the things you have in common with the university, you need to look into the background of the school. In the case of Lehigh, try to discover things beyond the academic that you share in common. Perhaps you have some common ideologies, belief systems, or cultural similarities that will explain to the reviewer why you chose to opt for acceptance to Lehigh over other universities. Try to find something along the lines of how the student community functions and why that is something that you are already used to. Maybe there is a club in the university that would act as a continuation of your own extra curricular activity in high school. The main point being, that you show the reviewer how or why you would be comfortable as a student there because of the sense of "home" brought about by common factors.

Undergraduate / Rice Perspective Essay - Publishing My First Story [2]

Viktoria, you don't really respond to the prompt properly. What you have written is best suited for a background, hobby, or interest prompt. It is not a life perspective prompt essay. A life perspective essay is a written narrative that discusses a particular event, culture, or tradition in your life that has helped you to learn an important lesson, value, or belief system that you have continued to apply in your life. The story that you should share here is one that will show how you can help to widen, change, or adjust the currently existing student perspective in the Rice community.

So think about something unique in your heritage that most people either do not know about or have a misconception about. For example, there is a cultural perspective that all Chinese people are good in Math. Therefore, if you are Chinese, you must, by default be good in Math. However, that is not always the case. Therefore, as a student at Rice who is not so good at Math but is good at creative writing, you will do something to help people understand that not all Chinese are good at Math, but that person can be good

or excel in another field.

The above is just an example of how to approach the essay. I am not saying that you should write the essay that way. What I am saying, is that you need to find a unique trait of your culture or tradition and offer a personal perspective on it in a manner that will have some sort of influence over the student community.

Undergraduate / Yale Supplement: Something you love to do: people-watching [3]

The paragraphs of your essay can be better arranged Angela. Group together all of the observation activities and back stories that you created into one paragraph. So one or two of these explained activities will suffice. The second paragraph, should be composed of the moral principle understanding that you developed through this activity. Then finally, a closing statement, as a 3rd paragraph should be added to close the essay on a fun note. That is because the essay is quite light and should close on the same note. Perhaps the insinuation that you are observing yourself while you type this essay would be quizzical and laughable point to close on? Or maybe ponder what you might observe as a college student at the university? I'm not sure how you would want to close the statement, I am only sure that you have to close it on a light but memorable point, just as entertaining as the opening statement of your response.

Undergraduate / Yale Supplement: Having fun with learning something [5]

This is a great revision Angela. You have successfully drawn the reader into the world of driving lessons without going through the monotony of presenting the pitfalls and failures of driving class. You have avoided the commonly known references to who or what makes a bad driver and have instead, focused on driving as a form of relaxation. It almost seems to me that when you drive, you feel a sense of nirvana that one would not normally associate with driving. So the lessons that you learned from driving delivers a real reflective look at the experience that comes with learning how to handle a 1 ton rolling machine. If you feel the same way as me, you may decide to finally use this version of the essay. I truly believe that it is ready to represent your narrative to the reviewer. Best of luck with your application.

PS - Don't mistake the excitement about a learning experience to be something manifested in a physical manner. Not all excitement has to be physical or vocal in nature. In your case, the excitement of learning how to drive came from the new perspective in life that you developed as you slowly gained your freedom or mobility through the driving lesson process. The excitement is all about the fulfilled journey of finally learning to drive. The enlightenment that you discuss in the later part of the essay embodies the intellectual excitement that came from the activity.

Not all of the excitement can be quantified in ways normally seen. Excitement can come from anything and occur anywhere. The fact that you are not going for the obvious meaning of excitement means that you have a deeper insight regarding the possible meaning of the prompt and you reacted to the deeper, rather than shallow meaning of "excitement about learning something".

By the way, I really appreciate the value that you give my opinion. It means a lot to me and makes me strive to continue to help you get into college on your own terms.

Letters / ERASMUS MUNDUS Scholarship - great honour, great responsibility and an obligation to work hard [11]

Merry Christmas to you too Sekbar! I hope you have a great holiday season. Now, the essay really works much better now, the only problem that I see with it at the moment is the fact that the prompt specifically asks you to justify your familiarity with the European culture, traditions, social norms, etc. as an applicant for the scholarship. You already represent the academic side very well. The problem lies in the cultural side at this point. If it were not a requirement of the essay, I would have already asked you to skip it. But since it is an expected subject for discussion, we have to somehow present a paragraph or two about it in your final essay.

I believe that this situation was caused by the intense academic relationship that you will be having with the other students in the program. The reviewer needs to understand how well you will blend in with the group and how you will handle being away from home. You need to prove some sort of background or understanding of the European culture aside from what you think and expect from them once you become a student representing the scholarship.

I don't get a sense of how you will be able to socially immerse yourself into the European culture and community at this point. All I have is an understanding of what you expect from the semester abroad not what the semester abroad can also give you in terms of personal and character development. That is usually seen once you present your familiarity with the culture you are looking to join. Perhaps a better reference to the scholarship in light of its connection to Europe would be one of the best ways to start creating that European

Undergraduate / Lehigh Essay. What do you and Lehigh have in common? [8]

Alex, I only have a problem with the inclusion of the passion for football in the statement. As you said, the game is played differently in Mexico and the U.S. even though the passion is similar. So, since the essay is after commonalities between you and the university, the game itself, doesn't factor in as a major similarity because of the difference that you mentioned. It would be better, in my opinion, if you just focused on the academic similarities in this essay. The last paragraph just doesn't fit properly in my opinion. Perhaps there is a different social activity that you could find in common with the university organizations, clubs, and interests that can take the place of football?

It is best to really present information about commonalities that the reviewer can best identify with immediately rather than having him think about "How is Mexican football different from American football?" I mean I know the answer to that, but for a reviewer who has more specific criteria in mind while reading your essay, that might prove to be a bit of thought provoking measure instead that will make him lose focus on the best part of your essay, the first 2 paragraphs.

Undergraduate / The birth of an unprecedented lifetime bond. Amherst supplement quote response. [8]

Definitely your best work to date regarding the response to the prompt. It is as complete and concise as it can be. You never deviated from the discussion and offered only relevant information that better supported your claims of having commonalities and familiarity with the quote. I don't see how else you can improve this essay. Within 2 paragraphs, you have successfully embodied the veiled meaning of the prompt discussion topic. This is the kind of essay that exemplifies the unspoken requirements of the reviewer. You are more than ready to use this prompt. Be sure to do a final read through to make sure you have nothing more to add to the paper, revise, or edit. My opinion is that you should go ahead and submit this already, but you may have another opinion so whenever you are ready to send this is good for me too.

Research Papers / An Unhealthy Generation: Childhood Obesity [2]

Victoria, your first paragraph should be divided into two because you are discussing 2 different topics in one paragraph. As you know each paragraph should focus on only one topic for discussion. In this instance, you should place the data about obesity int he second paragraph. So you will have to adjust all of the succeeding paragraphs downward in order to accommodate the change. As for the first paragraph, you still have to clarify the central point of discussion about obesity that you will be discussing in the essay.

The rest of the essay is informative and shows a definite desire on your part to deliver only accurate information hence, the in-text citations. However, the essay suffers at the end as there is no opinion on your end being discussed. In lieu if your opinion, you could also have presented the possible solutions to childhood obesity as you have come to learn about them through research. Right now, the essay seems to end quite abruptly and without offering the reader any idea as to how they should be reacting towards the essay.

Are you enticing further research into childhood obesity? Or as you offering possible solutions to the problem? Maybe you are just being required to present a clear opinion prior to closing the paper? Whatever method of closure, the important thing for you to accomplish is that the essay close on an informative note.

Undergraduate / Interested in NYU Global Public Health - Culture and Health! [4]

Dana, believe it or not, your final paragraph in the current essay is the best response that you can provide for the prompt. Since the prompt is very clear about focusing the response on just the NYU study experience, the anecdote that you shared within the first 2 paragraphs of the essay are not relevant. The only way you can use those paragraphs is if you can relate it to the NYU experience somehow. Right now, it is a stand alone story that does not really connect well with the prompt requirement. That is why I would rather that you just remove those 2 paragraphs from your response.

Even though there is a 400 word maximum, the goal should be to simply deliver the best answer using the least number of words in order to speed up the retention of the information in the reviewer's mind. So even though you will just be supplying a single paragraph essay, as long as it meets the minimum word count, your essay will be fine and the reviewer will remember your essay for being short and informative. There is a stronger tendency for the reviewer to forget what is memorable about your essay when it runs too long. If you keep it short and directly responsive, he will stand a better chance of recalling your essay when the time for consideration comes.

That said, if you wish to add a secondary paragraph, make sure that it flows properly and merges seamlessly with the information from the first paragraph. Otherwise, you are better off with just one paragraph that meets the minimum or higher than minimum word requirement. for the prompt response. I think, that if you want to share a second paragraph in the essay, then you should opt to discuss some of the extra curricular activities that are supported by the university, which can help you better develop your skills and personality traits while attending classes at NYU. Try not to mention the location of the university as one of the reasons you chose to attend there. That location response is just old and tired already. Think of something bigger and more impressive to present in the essay if you can.

Scholarship / Believing in dreams to accomplish great things [2]

Parahat, excellent work on indicating how you will be an asset to the program by showing the kind of exchange student that you can be. One who will willingly learn from his host country because you are offering up your own cultural qualities in an exchange program that asks you to be a teacher as well as a student when it comes to cultural, academic, and social exchanges during your participation in the program. That said, there are still a number of changes that you should apply to the essay so that it will be more original in content. You have a few portions in it that are direct plagiarisms of other American stories and sayings.

Those additions just make the essay excessively long without really offering a clear relevance to the essay requirement of the program. So, in an effort to help you save on word count and keep the reviewer interested in what you are saying, I suggest that you retain only paragraphs 2, 3 and 5 for the essay, deleting all other paragraphs.

You don't really need to create the literary introduction because you need to get to the point sooner rather than later with the busy reviewer. Basketball doesn't really figure into the contributions that you can make to the program either so it would be best to remove that reference in the essay. Just focus on the exchange student mindset in reference to your performance within the program.

I believe that this shortened but more relevant and informative essay will be the best version that you can submit to the reviewer without having to change too much of the original content that you wrote. I am asking you to retain only the relevant paragraphs that can turn into a new essay, without you having to place additional information into the essay. It is more than informative enough based upon my suggested revision.

Undergraduate / I believe that diligence and hard-working is vital. [5]

Desin, I hope you won't mind but I need to ask you to better organize the essay by using the proper beliefs and values that are suited for the prompt response. Please use the following belief and value systems in your revised essay:

1. Diligence
2. Hard work
3. Independence
4. Self-discipline

The other comments and specifications that you made in the essay don't really fit in with the requirement of the essay so I thought I would point you in the right direction. You can revise the essay to better explain these belief and value systems by showing the reviewer how you exemplify these in your life using the 300 words available to you. Personally, I would rather that you just present 3 beliefs, that can also double as values rather than including self-discipline in the essay. That particular value is synonymous with hard work so I believe it could be rolled into one discussion. If you opt to limit your presentation to 3 instead of 4, you can fully discuss and develop each belief and value system for the benefit of the reviewer because you can allot 100 words per character trait.

By the way, don't discuss the DoE scholarship in this essay. It is not a specified prompt requirement. Therefore, it is misplaced in this discussion and ruins the overall effect of your applicable discussion.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task1: spending on different items in the UK (Table) [2]

Ali, when you write the summary overview of the chart, make sure to represent all of the sectors indicated in the chart. That means you have to also give a summary description for the men, women, boys, and girls in order to make the summary accurate and truly a paraphrased presentation of the chart.

The rest of the paragraphs that inform the reader about the detailed portions of the chart are very much acceptable as you gave a straightforward presentation of the information provided. However, you could have tried to make the paragraphs more interesting by creating sentence statements instead of using semicolons throughout the paragraph. Remember, there is a minimum 3 sentence requirement per paragraph and I count only 2 sentences in some of your presentations.

Finally, the last paragraph should have been better worded in order to present it as the concluding statement of the paragraph. You could simply have started by saying "Finally, the chart indicates that...". That would have been an acceptable method of properly closing the summary essay.

Undergraduate / UGRAD. Learning through sharing experience and knowledge with other individual, group and community [6]

Here is a tip about how you can better write this paper. Read up on how the other UGRAD applicants at this forum developed their essays. You can pick up some great tips about how you can improve your work and what information you should really present to the reviewer from analyzing the work and advice given to others here. It will definitely help you adjust the content of your essay towards becoming a more relevant and effective application essay for the scholarship abroad.

Mehraz, my apologies for confusing Bangladesh with India. My apologies also for making you feel bad with my review. That was not my intention. I was only trying to deliver an honest and helpful review of your work. My main concern is always making sure that the student, not necessarily you, will understand what is wrong with the paper and how it can be fixed.

I will definitely praise your work whenever I see a portion in the revision that calls for such action on my part. I am not stingy when it comes to praises. I always praise the students when they have delivered properly on the paper. At the moment though, the essay doesn't deliver properly in terms of the prompt requirements so it will be hard to give you praise at this point. Once you get it right, I will heap all the praises that I can on your work. I assure you of that.

Graduate / List some of the academic and professional differences made by you in your life. [4]

Your manner of presentation in the second paragraph does not make it clear if this is something that you did as an employee at a company, as a trainee during an internship for your college course, or if this was a thesis study that was adopted by a specific company. So the best thing for you do to with that paragraph is revise it so that you can first explain that you were an employee at the company, clarify the problem that the company had, in brief discussions, then offer a detailed explanation of how you made a difference to the company. Again, summarize the problem and present the complete solution with an expanded discussion of the difference that your project made to the bottom line of the company. You should not be immensely detailed in all your paragraphs. Try to summarize in a clear but informative manner whenever you can. Like I said, one or two activities that apply to the prompt will more than sufficiently represent a valid answer on your part.

Undergraduate / Lafayette College Supplement: "Why Lafayette?" "Why do you do what you do?" [11]

Nguyen we have a one essay per thread policy here at the forum that is strictly implemented by the administrators. It is because of that ruling that I will only be responding to the first post in your thread. I strongly advise you to post the second essay in a separate thread because the admin will not hesitate to delete it once they see that you violated the forum rules. You will also be delivered a warning along with the deletion of your 2nd post. So follow the rules and post the 2nd one in a different thread. I assure you that I will do my best to respond to it as soon as I am capable of doing so.

As for the first thread, I have the following advice. Do not mention your friend in the statement. He is not relevant to the essay requirement even if he is, or is not, a student at Lafayette. As for the rest of the essay, try to learn more about the academic and social side of the university beyond the virtual tour that you took. Read blogs from other students, look up the academic offerings related to our chosen major that you feel drawn to studying. Get to know the university from a deeper perspective. Look out for the reasons that you are drawn to the university beyond exchanging emails with the faculty and them making you feel welcome as a potential new student. Go beyond the superficial presentation that the video tour gave you and the shallow discussions that you shared with the professors. Find a deeper, more personal meaning as to why you chose to apply at Lafayette.

Undergraduate / Rice University Perspective Essay - Being Too Young. [2]

Lyssa, look, you have told too much of the bad side of being an underage person in your country and not enough of the personal insight or perspective that will tell the reviewer that despite the drawback, you always found something positive to help you better understand why you were held back regarding an activity because of your age. I think that will be a bit difficult for you to achieve in this instance because the age matter is not really something that has a perspective changing impact upon a person. If you aren't the right age for something, that is usually the end of the discussion. No silver lining behind it.

If I were you, I would try to relate a story that opened my mind to something important about life that I did not realize before. Something that could very well relate to the way you would adjust to college life at Rice. Or maybe, it could just be some experience that had a general impact upon you. Speaking of which, I think I have come across a way that you can just revise this essay to better suit your needs.

Pick an activity that you feel you were held back from but you really did not feel too bad about. Try to relate the story in such a manner that you end up saying "That was when I first came to understand why it was important that I be held back for one year from doing activities the other older kids could do." It can be any activity, as long as it left you thinking about the way that the situation helped you come to gain a better perspective of the matter.

Undergraduate / UGRAD. Learning through sharing experience and knowledge with other individual, group and community [6]

You need to revise the essay in order to balance what you can offer the essay in terms of being a student, mentor, and participant in the program along with what you expect to learn, achieve, and take away from your participation in the program. You should be able to clearly indicate that you have something unique and helpful to the program stemming from your background as an Indian along with what you expect to learn from your classmates, who will be coming from all over the world as well. How many words do you have left to work with on the essay? If it will be difficult for you to revise the essay to make it more balanced, then you won't have any choice except to revise or write a new essay.

Undergraduate / Interested in NYU Global Public Health - Culture and Health! [4]

Hi Dana, listen, I really like the supplemental paper that you wrote. It was informative and really portrayed your interest in public health matters. However, I am not sure about whether or not this will be relevant to the supplemental essay that you are writing for. As with all common app prompts, this should have come with a specific supplemental essay prompt. It sure looks like you forgot to include it when you posted the essay. That is where I have a problem. I can't review your essay properly for content or advise you regarding changes if I do not know what I am editing for. Do me a favor and post the actual prompt below my response to you. Then I'll get back to you with more relevant advice regarding the improvements that can be applied to your essay. Thanks.

Graduate / List some of the academic and professional differences made by you in your life. [4]

Renu, you can easily lower the word count on this essay by editing it for content. It seems to me that you have tried to present all aspects of success in your life, regardless of whether is important, somewhat important, or unimportant but worth mentioning. While I will not edit the content of your paper at this point, I will advise you to pick the experiences and accomplishments in this essay that are the most important to you. Present only the most impressive activities that you participated in which resulted in some notable results.

These activities can be limited to actually 2 for this essay. Choose one academic, and one professional accomplishment that you feel should be impressive enough for the reviewer to read. From the way I read it, you do not have any work related (professional accomplishments) so you should make it clear that your accomplishments are all academic in nature and the work with the organization, if you opt to use it, was only extra curricular in coverage and not professional. Double check the essay requirements, it indicates clearly that the presentations have to be of the academic or professional nature. There is no professional nature to share so don't pass off an academic or extra curricular activity as such.

Undergraduate / UGRAD. Learning through sharing experience and knowledge with other individual, group and community [6]

Mehraz, the Global UGRAD program is a give and take type of learning environment. It is an open method of exchanging and understanding international cultural values and learning from one another both within and beyond the academic setting. This is a shared experience that expects each participant to learn from those with him in the program. In other words, this is all about building international friendship and connections. They help you, you help them. But your essay does not display any of those values or expectations. Your essay is very selfish in content. It is just all about what you can get, learn, and achieve through the program. You do not say anything about how you hope to help people understand your culture and get to know about India through their interaction with you. This is a two way street of learning, but you are presenting only a one way alley where only you benefit from the program. Try to open your discussion to how you can help others benefit from the program as well. Balance the discussion in a give and take sort of manner. Don't be all about "me, myself, and I" in the essay. That does not make you an effective UGRAD participant.

Research Papers / Forensic Accounting Is Important in Financial Investigations [2]

Wendy, lets get started with your thesis statement. It doesn't really tell me what you are going to be discussing in the essay. The first part is more of a general uninformative discussion that doesn't do anything for the essay. It does not define forensic accounting, nor does it tell me what this research paper is all about. Why doesn't it come in until the second paragraph? In proper academic writing, your hypothetical statement, topics for discussion, and overview of the conclusion is always located in the first paragraph. So you will need to adjust your opening statement to fit the expected content of that paragraph.

One of the main problems with your essay is the constant referral to in-text citations. Did your professor not give you a limit on the percentage of citations that you should use? Normally, it should not be more than 30 % of the paper otherwise the plagiarism software will flag the paper as plagiarism. So try to use more of your personal understanding and opinion in the essay and limit the quotes. You never know how your professor will decide to score the paper. If he bases it on plagiarism software results, you are sunk.

The last 2 sentences that you included don't really seem necessary in the essay. In fact, it is ill placed at the end. If you wish to use this statement, make it longer and place it at the top of the essay as your hook instead. It might work better if placed there. Or maybe, somewhere else within the essay.

Undergraduate / Tufts supplement: Something that I created [7]

Then mention that you have it on Facebook. Yes, include an active link and make sure to tell them if it is an open or closed group so the reviewer will be informed about how he will be able to see page. The program should make the active link if it is allowed in the online application form. Otherwise, it will be included in the essay in an unclickable form. Not to worry though, the reviewer can always cut and paste the url so he can access the page online or do a search in Facebook for himself. Unless the application form specifically has a place for you to place the link, I don't see how else you can inform the reviewer about it. If you are in doubt about how the link will be treated in the application form, you can always contact the admissions office for clarification.

Undergraduate / Tufts supplement: Something that I created [7]

Nice response. It is perfect except for one small detail. You forgot to include an active link to your online newspaper. Always remember that these fact based essays will be double checked by the reviewer for accuracy and existence. So when you say you have an online newspaper, you should be able to provide not only the link to the newspaper, but also information about how long it took to conceptualize it, what your position title is at the paper, when the paper went online and how long it has been online so far. If your paper has come to the attention of some other scientific community members, you should mention that too. You should also have a paragraph explaining why you wish to expand the coverage of Galileo in the future. Do you see yourself continuing to be active in the day to day activities of the paper once you attend Tufts? How do you plan to do that and why is it important to you that you continue to participate in the paper even when you are away from home? These are the sort of information that show a strong sense of advocacy and determination to continue developing that which you know is good for you. Which, in this case, is allowing others in Vietnam to have a voice in the scientific community through Galileo.

Graduate / Why is the Texas MSBA? MSBA means Master of Science in Business Analytics. [3]

Jingyi, I hope you won't take this the wrong way but, I believe that your opening statement in this 2 paragraph essay is really unnecessary. You see, there is no need to discuss your academic background in this instance. The prompt is trying to find out if you are really familiar with Texas University, its academics, social offerings, and other learning avenues. So mentioning that you are already a Math major doesn't really fit well with the expected responses. Your second paragraph response, used alone, more or less displays the proper response to the prompt question. There is actually no need for you to present 250 words for this essay if you are unable to do so. However, you should present at least 150 words in order to meet the higher than minimum word requirement for these sorts of essays. So try to discuss more about what you know about the university and what you will enjoy about the learning experience, the student community, or any common interests that you have with the university based upon its motto, mission, or objectives. You can find references to those using a simple keyword search.

Graduate / Understanding neurogenic disorders. SOP - Applying for Masters in Speech Language Pathology. [4]

Yugi, we need to better organize the content of your essay. The presentation is too scattered and does not offer a clear or chronological presentation of your abilities, education, and experience in relation to the masters program that you wish to participate in. At this point, the reviewer will definitely get confused if he tries to review the essay.

For your opening paragraph, you can present a summary of how you developed an interest in Speech Language Pathology. Not as long as the one you have now, but rather, a simple anecdote that clearly shows why you developed a desire to help these people. Don't be too detailed in the story. Just present the basic facts. This is not a biography.

The second paragraph, should best concentrate on the presentation of your academic background. Mention your college degree, where you earned it, and what year you graduated. If you have any notable achievements, be it in terms of your research paper, academic excellence, or internship experience, mention it here. Right now, your reference to this is located in various portions of the paper. Try to work towards a concise essay that keeps all related information within a single paragraph.

Your work experience is something that should only be altered by removing the reference to graduating before working. That is a given. There is no need to be specific about it. Finally, close the essay by explaining why you were drawn to the masters program of this particular university. It could be based on learning from specific professors or the training that the students receive, or it could really just be an academic admiration for the university. Close by reiterating your desire to complete your masters degree under their tutelage.

Undergraduate / Particular interest in economics and psychology - Cornell Supplement [5]

Sung, don't do that. Always develop a new essay for each university, even if it pertains to the same topic. You can use the same topic but present it in a new way. That is because the universities are already wise to the fact that students plagiarize the essays they submit by simply changing the university name. Some universities run plagiarism checks on submitted application essays and if it turns out that you have already previously submitted the work, then your application is cancelled. Don't risk that happening to you just because it is difficult to write new essays. I know it is tiresome and boring to do. Nobody said getting into college will be easy. Proving that you are determined to get into the university by working hard on your essays for each university will be the best preparation that you can have for the eventual difficulties of college assignments, research, and essay papers. So always be original. Don't rehash your papers as much as possible.

Letters / ERASMUS MUNDUS Scholarship - great honour, great responsibility and an obligation to work hard [11]

Serik, in the first paragraph, just offer a quick discussion of your college degree completed. There is no need to tell the reviewer that you got another scholarship because of high marks in your first year of study. That is irrelevant and does not mean anything to your current application. What matters at this point, is how you have performed at your current job in relation to your masters degree pursuit. Additionally, a highlight should be added to explain the problem or work situation in your country that you wish to resolve through the use of international mobility. This means that you have to explain how and why you believe that studying abroad, in this field will help you better help your mother country. It is not about international exposure to the society but rather, international exposure in the field. In the final part of the essay, as a concluding statement, you can explain how you are familiar with Europe and its culture, as well as its social norms and how you hope to build upon that experience as a student by getting a well rounded education that balances the academic, with the social learning that one may obtain only though overseas educational exposure. The middle part of the essay is acceptable as a part of the work, for now. We may need to adjust it depending upon how your revision turns out.

Undergraduate / The photography breaks linguistic and cultural barriers [3]

Nicholas, this essay in my opinion, is divided in focus. It talks more about your camera and your experiences with it rather than the actual learning experiences that you have from participating in photography activities. Keep in mind that the prompt is asking about your background, your experience, your interests, so the focus of the essay should be on you, not Candace, the camera.

I know, you are trying to make this essay stand out and create an interesting hook for the reviewer. This is good, but is not the way to do it. This type of writing is more for a creative writing class than an academic essay. You should talk about how photography itself, not just the camera, widened your horizons and helped you adjust to the world while getting to know various aspects of it. It doesn't matter that you present dialogue in Spanish, in fact, you should remove that. You should just explain the activity in general terms.

Follow the first love line of discussion, but don't make it about the camera. Talk about photography instead. That is where the background, interest, identity, and talent discussion lies. That is what you should be highlighting instead.

Book Reports / Jem's Developing Maturity; To Kill a Mockingbird [3]

Jessie, switch around the sentences in the first paragraph in order to make it more interesting to the professor who will be reading it. If you open with a discussion of the characters first and then close with the definition of maturity, the paragraph gets a strong thesis statement and presentation as well. That way, you focus on the novel first, the definition second. since the concentration should be on the characters development, the definition of maturity should be secondary because you are defining it as coming from a lexical source.

For the closing statement, you should try to come up with a personal definition of maturity based upon the events depicted in the book in relation to the character of Jem. That is one way of closing the essay in a unique manner. Basing your personal definition of maturity on your understanding of Jem's life means that you really understand the underlying factors, discussion, and events, as presented in the book, in relation to the undefined maturity that exists for the character.