Writing Feedback / If you could invent something new, what product would you develop? (TOEFL essay) [10]

I cannot say if you will pass on the 30th, but I can give you some advice and wish you well.

When you get the test question, take a moment to gather your thoughts and sketch and outline before you begin to write. When you write, concentrate on writing short, simple sentences. Keep your verb tense (past, present, or future) consistent throughout. As I said above, if you catch yourself writing "and" after a long string of words, perhaps you should end the sentence instead and start the new thought with a new sentence. Don't try to be creative or impressive. Just concentrate on saying what you have to say as clearly as possible.

Good luck and please do let us know how it goes!

Grammar, Usage / Simple ways of improving my writing and structure. [8]

In the long run, participating in this site -- reading and commenting on the writing of others while also getting feedback on your own writing -- will improve your writing. We learn writing best by writing and by helping others with their writing.

Another way to improve your writing in the long run is to read regularly and widely. Online, visit the websites of real newspapers and magazines, rather than just blogs and forums. Offline, read books, newspapers, and magazines. If you are interested in media, computing, and business, find reading materials in those areas. Read all of your course materials, for sure, but also do extra outside reading. This will improve your vocabulary and your writing ability naturally.

In the short term, you can improve your writing by studying the text book for your English General Studies class. It seems that you already know your weaknesses: redundancy and lack of concision. These can often be solved by outlining before writing. Force yourself to think through exactly what you want to say, organizing this into an outline in which each idea is expressed in only a few words. Before writing, review the outline to ensure you've not listed the same thing two or three times. The draft your essay from your outline, sticking to it and avoiding the urge to repeat yourself. Because you have already made your points in just a few words each, it will be easier for you to go straight to the point when writing.

Book Reports / King Lear naivety and inability to control his emotions (ENG4U class) [17]

Hubris is excessive pride or confidence, to the point of arrogance. Most literary critics agree that Lear was meant to be an example of hubris. In addition to the interpretation that Sean outlines, there is also the fact that throughout the play Lear ignores the advice of those who are warning him not to take these foolish actions. He thinks he knows better. He has excessive confidence in his judgment. That's hubris.

And this comes back to my main piece of advice. I am not saying that you should stick to one reason for his downfall. I am saying that you need to decide the central question of whether you believe Lear was responsible for his downfall. If the answer to that is "yes," then you must keep your language consistent with that, for example saying that he was "unwilling" rather than "unable" to control his emotions.

Writing Feedback / Australian Gold Rush: Introduction writing [16]

Good start! See my suggested corrections below.

The Gold Rush of the 1850s was a major turning point in Australian c olonial h istory. The G old R ush led to a rapid increase in population and economic growth; the hastening of a democratic government; and a huge influx of money, which made the colonies prosper, especially Victoria. All this has made Australia the Australia we know today.

As to capitalizing "Gold Rush," you can go either way. Just be sure to keep it consistent. Either do or don't capitalize the phrase all the way through the essay.

Speeches / Speech on Finding a Job After Graduation [5]

This is a good start, but could be much stronger.

First, begin your speech in a manner more likely to capture the audience's attention. Since you are speaking to fellow students, you might start with questions, such as "What are you going to do when you get out of school? Are you sure you can get a job?" Then you can move on to "Good afternoon," etc.

Next, I would like to see you include more supporting details. For example, to establish the importance of your topic, you could cite the unemployment statistics for college graduates in your country, state, or region. To support your argument that students must both attend to their studies and gain practical experience, you could quote a job recruiter or job recruitment website.

Moving on to details, I am not sure what you mean by "develop your out standings." "Outstanding" is an adjective, not a noun. You will need to find a noun or noun phrase to use where you are using "outstanding."

Finally, make sure you choose correct words. For example, I think you mean "folded arms" not "bolded arms."

You've chosen a topic sure to appeal to your audience and already have done good work organizing your arguments and finding some supporting evidence. With a little more research and careful attention to language, this could be an "outstanding" entry in your speech competition.

Research Papers / Research Paper on Life situation [4]

Are you asking whether it is possible or acceptable to write a paper based on life experiences? Possible, yes! Indeed, the best and most fresh writing usually occurs when students choose topics based on their life experiences.

But perhaps you are asking whether it is allowable to include personal life experiences in a sociology paper. Generally, yes. But you should ask your instructor. Probably s/he will want you to write about the idea of culture shock, as described in your textbook or an outside reading, and then illustrate the idea by describing your own experiences.

Some students worry about writing in the first person, as one needs to do when writing about personal history, in a school report. Just check with your teacher if that worries you.

And then yes, please do post your draft essay here for feedback.

Writing Feedback / Machine Learning versus Learning by Humans [51]

Arguing or illustrating by means of metaphor is always tricky. That's because our responses to metaphors are very personal and our ability to see analogies depends on our own experiences and associations.

What I usually tell students who plan to argue or illustrate a point by means of metaphor or analogy is to test the analogy/metaphor with at least three people, ideally very different people. If even one of them just doesn't see the analogy/metaphor or does not find it compelling, then perhaps it is not safe to use that analogy or metaphor in a piece intended for a general readership, because some subset of readers is likely to just not get it. The more complex the idea and more extended the metaphor, the more room there is for misunderstanding.

Book Reports / King Lear naivety and inability to control his emotions (ENG4U class) [17]

Good point, Sean.

Undergraduate / UC Personal Statements: Suggestions for revising? [6]

Comma splices may be the most common punctuation error. People who are prone to them never notice them. Because they are putting in a punctuation mark to denote the pause between phrases -- just the wrong punctuation mark -- the sentence reads right to them. But once you realize you are prone to this mistake, it's easy to be alert for it.

Writing Feedback / If you could invent something new, what product would you develop? (TOEFL essay) [10]

Sean's advice about reading is good for another reason: The more you read in English, the more natural correct English will sound to you. Over time, verb tense errors and the like will start to sound wrong to you. You'll be less likely to make those errors and thus won't need time to correct them.

As to time, I think that taking the time to frame short clear sentences one by one, rather than rushing to say as much as possible, rambling into errors in the process, is a better strategy. As Sean says, your speed will naturally increase over time.

Writing Feedback / If you could invent something new, what product would you develop? (TOEFL essay) [10]

While it's hard to imagine a machine that would do what you say, this essay does seem to be sufficiently well structured, with ideas that are supported by details. I am more concerned by grammar and sentence structure. You're still struggling with verb tense.

In your first paragraph:

If I were a scientist, I would inventsuch an equipment by which we could detect the shortcoming of any event which could be hazardous for our environment... By this invention the whole of humanity would be benefited.

The sentence in between those two I do not understand well enough to edit. Try to write short, simple sentences. When you catch yourself writing "and" in between two long strings of words, that might be a signal that you are trying to say too much in a single sentence.

Your next paragraph is stronger because the sentences are shorter and your verb tense is more consistent. Even so, I would break the first sentence into two, as follows:

Nowadays , more and more people are using automobiles.andF umes out of chemical factories first of all directly affect the human health.

Avoid starting sentences with "so." "So" is usually used to introduce a subordinate clause. Putting "so" at the beginning of the sentence often turns what would be a good sentence into a sentence fragment, by making it into a subordinate clause.

In summary, you are doing very well, but still have some work to do.

Undergraduate / "To Understand and Be Understood" - Why do you want to pursue a career in the medical field? [14]

Yes, when you write the paragraphs about why you want to pursue a career in medicine, feel free to post them here for more feedback.

Since you're such a good creative writer, I'd like to see you hone your own skills by trying to make the ones you've already written more correct and concise, in the manner I indicated with the example paragraph. Feel free to post your revisions.

Undergraduate / Personal Essay/Personal Statement, "connection between me and science" [10]

Hmmm, I see that you have the problem of asking for admission even though your record is not as good as you would like. Generally, if one is going to claim that one will do better in future than the past record would indicate, one needs to give some reason or evidence to back up that claim. What led you to be not as strong academically back in high school and in your first term at college? What has changed? Have you done well in at least one semester of college? If your records are not strong, it's good to address this directly in the personal statement, but you must find some way to convince the reader that you are now ready for work at an accredited university.

As to the rest of the essay, I like it that you begin with your childhood interest in science and with your grandmother. Here, as elsewhere, you will need to make sure that your sentences are complete and properly punctuated. For example, you write

It has always been apparent to me especially after the death of my late grandmother.
There needs to be a comma before especially, but -- more importantly -- what "it" is must be specified.

In the second paragraph, you say "past times." I think you were thinking of "pastimes," which are the things you do, not a word to use for the time itself. Probably, you mean to say "free time."

But, here is the problem: These are not the kinds of leisure activities that are relevant to your academic interests or show broad curiosity about the world. If you had a hobby that was related to science, that would be something to mention. But playing video games and taking walks, while fine things to do, are not the kind of things to mention in an admission essay. Instead, tell us more about "volunteering."

In short, choose every word wisely with the aim of making every single sentence make you look like the kind of student who will succeed at that university.

Research Papers / effective or ineffective decision making and leadership - research question [5]

You'll do best, I think, if you can do as the assignment requires, and write from experience. The assignment asks you to write on:


So, list all of the organizations with which you've been involved, not only workplaces but also sports teams, clubs, and the like. Then, for each one, think back over your experiences and observations. Can you recollect any instances of especially good or especially bad decision making? Especially effective or particularly poor leadership?

That process can help you decide on a situation to write about. That can lead to the formulation of a research question.

Undergraduate / UC Personal Statements: Suggestions for revising? [6]

The first statement is very strongly worded and compelling, giving the reader a vivid sense of your unique personality and way of looking at the world. That's the goal of a personal statement.

Watch out for run on sentences and for comma splices. (That's when you splice two main clauses together with a comma rather than making them separate sentences or joining them with a semi-colon.)

For example:

I am the first child of two Salvadorean immigrants who rose from the war- torn ashes of Santa Ana, El Salvador; they came to the United States for opportunity, escaping the past, and to make a better life for their future families.

The college did not want his brilliant mind; they did not want the burden of dealing with immigration issues.

My father never attended college, and my mother never finished high school; however they had worked as hard as they could to establish what they created today: A family that loves and works to achieve their goals.

If you clean up the punctuation, the first piece is solid. The second needs more work. The writing is less vivid and more undisciplined. Here's my suggested revision of the first paragraph of that one:

I could tell you that my passion in art will take me somewhere, or that I'm a hard working student, or that I'm unique, or maybe that my past experiences has made me a better person. Out of all these things I could tell you, there is one quality that I can say to myself that I truly am proud of: dedication.

Scholarship / "A Latin-American" - Scholarship/college essay [8]

Since I was a child

Good job. Now, go through and remove excessive words that clutter your message.
Read through every sentence carefully, removing anything you don't need and asking "can I say it more shortly?" For example:

Because of my passion of community service, I enjoy assisting successful organizations that help in the aid of people in need. Coming from immigrant parents has molded my ideas as to what I wanted as a career goals .

Graduate / SOP - Ph.D in Environmental Engineering is the foundation [8]

Good job! Do you feel comfortable with it now?

Engineering is the foundation on which humankind builds its world, and engineers can shape the world into a better and more sustainable place to live. This is probably more true about Environmental Sciences than any other field of study.

Scholarship / Personal Essay - Something I've learned through a personal experience [6]

it's a shame that I was the one making them hurt .

Wow. This is so much more coherent. Good job on the rewrite! Do you feel good about it? I hope so.

I do think you could go back through for a polish. I notice you sometimes use the "would" verb form excessively; by eliminating unnecessary "woulds" and in other ways, you could make the essay less wordy.

For example:

While complementing the melodies played by the guitar and the keyboard, I would also drivedrove the tempo alongside the drums. The music would then soundeda little more "fuller," with a less piercing and tinny tone to the ears, perhaps .

Essays / Perseverance essay in relation to ice hokey [7]

I like how you begin and end with those familiar phrases. Don't change that.

I have a few minor suggestions:

Stephen Brunt's book , "Searching for Bobby Orr".

a small and rural town

and is considered one the best defensemen

Orr had demonstrated that perseverance

Good work!

Book Reports / King Lear naivety and inability to control his emotions (ENG4U class) [17]

On the whole, this is a strong essay with good grammar and organization. But I notice a problem in your conclusion that reflects a problem running through the essay. You say, "Only Lear can be held responsible for his own demise as he lacked the capability to control the situations around him." Of course, we are not responsible for things we lack the capacity to control. We are responsible only for those things within our control.

Throughout the essay, you alternate between charging Lear with self-destruction (implying that he is responsible for his own demise) and giving him an out by saying that he was unable or lacked the ability to do this or that. You will need to settle this question in your own mind before you can write a coherent essay in which your phrasing consistently comes down on the same side of the question of whether Lear was responsible for his own demise.

In my view, due to hubris, Lear was willfully blind to his daughters' deceptions and did not choose to control his emotions. That's the sort of phrasing you will need to use if you want to hold Lear accountable for his own downfall.

Undergraduate / "To Understand and Be Understood" - Why do you want to pursue a career in the medical field? [14]

This is very vivid and moving. Just make sure not to go too far in showing off your vocabulary or your writing skill. (See below for examples of how to cut it down.) Also, I'm not sure how much space you have to work with, but you probably should get to the body of the essay -- why you want to pursue a career in medicine -- sooner.

When you make that transition, pay close attention to verb tense. Also be certain your grammar and punctuation are impeccable in that section. What you've shared with us thus far is creative nonfiction. The reviewers of this essay will also want to know that you can write more straightforward prose.

Scholarship / Personal Essay - Something I've learned through a personal experience [6]

I agree with your teacher that this is a very good start,

I think what your teacher wants is for you to make the connection between the parallel stories -- learning that you are, in fact, doing enough both as a volunteer and as a bass player -- more explicit.

One way that you might do that would be to replace the confusing two lines that start the piece with a very brief but very vivid account of yourself playing bass with the band while actively feeling you are not doing well enough. Then start a new paragraph with something like "It was the same with my volunteer work," and continue on as you already do. Then, conclude with a sentence such as "Being the bass is good enough."

Essays / Perseverance essay in relation to ice hokey [7]

Geoff,
Your essay will be stronger (and more enjoyable for you to write) if you come up with your own ideas. Why did you choose Bobby Orr? Is there something about his story that inspires you? Start there.

You can try the prewriting technique of brainstorming. Jot down everything you know about Bobby Orr and his career that might be related to perseverance. Don't stop to question yourself along the way. Just list as much as you can think of in a set period of time. Then look back over your list and choose which things you can use. Then you can use an outline to organize them however you like, such as by theme or chronologically, starting in childhood and working your way through his life.

Feel free to post an outline or draft here for feedback when you get a little further in the process.

Graduate / SOP - Ph.D in Environmental Engineering is the foundation [8]


Hmm, how about, "Engineering is how we build the world, and engineers can shape the world into a better and more sustainable place to live."


Yes, you definitely should mention your career goals, especially if they are consistent with the ideals you espouse in the essay. You could do this just after talking about the skills you hope to develop.

Grammar, Usage / A DIFFERENT way to say "going towards" [18]

Yes, but don't say "mankind." Modern guidelines for gender-inclusive language require you to say "humankind" or "people" or some other term that includes everybody unless you are speaking only of males.

Letters / Fraternity Interest Letter [6]

The letter is a little stiff but I think that's acceptable in this context. You don't need to stand out from the crowd but merely demonstrate your suitability for the group. Along those lines, you might add a sentence to the penultimate (next to last) paragraph, stating more specifically what you wish to do within the group. Do they have specific programs to which you would contribute time or resources?

One fix:

a group of highly educated men who together I believe are capable of

Undergraduate / Firmly believe it is the best university for me; U Ryerson; Why apply? [12]

According to the instructions, you must write an additional, separate, document for each program, giving your specific reasons for applying to that program in particular and listing the reasons why you should be accepted into that program. Take them one at a time. For each, brainstorm and then outline what you want to say. Then draft each document. Write short, simple sentences that go directly to the point.

Graduate / SOP - Ph.D in Environmental Engineering is the foundation [8]

This SoP starts in the 1950s. In today's world, women can be engineers too. Of all engineers, environmental engineers are especially expected to be alert to contemporary issues and to avoid biases of all kinds. An SoP that begins with the assumption that men build the world will not be viewed kindly by admissions officers, especially if any of them happen to be female! Use gender inclusive language here and in all scholarly writing.

"Imbibe" means to absorb. You probably mean to say "inculcated" or some similar word.

Watch out for wordiness. You say "to be a part of this field and contribute." You should just say "to contribute to this field." Go through the essay, eliminating similarly redundant expressions.

Once you have gotten rid of any unneeded words, go back through and make sure you have commas in all of the places they are needed. You tend to omit the commas that separate subordinate clauses.

Good luck.

Scholarship / "A Latin-American" - Scholarship/college essay [8]

Some grammar fixes:

I always liked volunteering on trips, and participating in civic activities from cleaning parks

I had learned how much our world suffered from pollution

I hadbegan investigating into internships

As to substance, I'd like you to foreground your interest in the environment -- which is a hot topic (pun intended -- global warming) these days -- by mentioning this in your introduction or conclusion. If you have a particular interest in environmental racism, do say so explicitly, as this is an area in which funders are particularly interested these days.

Good luck!

Undergraduate / 'Economics in Chengdu' - Letter of motivation to University of Amsterdam [13]

Frederico,

Your idea for the conclusion is very charming, although I can also see why you felt uncomfortable with it. I think that an admissions officer would like it, but you can leave it out if it makes you feel silly.

I see real improvement in this essay, although you still have a way to go. The introduction is stronger, but the first line is still weak. The idea is to say something that will immediately grab the reader's attention, so that you stand out from the crowd rather than sounding just like everybody else.

Here's my suggestion:
Ten months in Chendu, China changed my view of the world and of my future. Since my return last summer, I've been thinking about my studies after high school, and after a lot of searching and meditating I`m now sure that the Economics and Business bachelor programme at the Universitet van Amsterdam (UvA) is the right choice for me.

Then you can go on with the essay as it is. But you will have to make changes there too. For example, you say that you were attracted to China for two reasons, but only list one.

Start a new paragraph with "I lived in Chengdu (Sichuan)..." so that the skyscraper story will stand out more strongly.

And, yes, you will have to get out of the habit of structuring long sentences as you would in Italian. The sentence that begins "I could probably choose an Italian university..." is an example of that. Similarly, the earlier sentence that begins "During my stay..." could be broken down into two sentences, with a period where you now have a colon.

Essays / Essay on Early Years Social Policy [4]

Mel, I notice you've been posting some very helpful advice for other forum users. Thanks! And, of course, that's good for you too. One reason that both basic composition and advanced writing instructors use peer feedback groups is because we learn even more about writing by reading and reflecting on others' work.

For this essay, I'm glad to hear that you're excited by the topic and have done so much reading already. I want to encourage you not to close off your possibilities by narrowing your topic too quickly. While you certainly could do a very simple compare and contrast essay looking at just those two pieces of legislation, there might be something more complex you want to say. For example, you might want to choose just one aspect of early years social policy and trace that all the way back.

Have you done some prewriting (brainstorming, mind mapping, or freewriting)? Have you looked through all of your notes on your readings and let your mind wander over and around the issues and ideas that most interested you? If this is the field into which you'll be going, it's this kind of mental work that will develop your own thinking and expertise.

If you do choose to compare the two Acts, be sure to fully cover the social and political forced that led to the enactment of each in its time. It doesn't matter which you pick to discuss first. You could use the current act as your touchstone, going back to compare it with the legislation that preceded it. Or you could start in 1989 and simply move forward in time using chronological organization. Either way, it would probably be good to use at least a paragraph to summarize what came before 1989.

Essays / Is father or mother who play the more important role in building up the children [8]


That's a very good idea, Mel! Another possibly useful source is the book Raising Cain, which discusses the roles of fathers in the lives of their sons.

On the other hand, the book The Way We Never Were exposes the degree to which the norm of the two-parent nuclear family is a myth.

Essays / BCC ESSAY on my academic life and career goals - I don't know what do I wanna do in future as my job [24]

This is lovely. I have a few suggestions and you will also have to make another read-through (or two) for grammar and punctuation.

Say "voyage" or "journey" instead of "way"

"I'd" rather than "I'll" work at NASA some day.

Instead of "made it worse for me," say "exacerbated that for me" and then follow that with a colon rather than a semi-colon.

"Although" rather than "However" there are still questions to be answered.

Good luck!

Undergraduate / Firmly believe it is the best university for me; U Ryerson; Why apply? [12]

I agree with Kevin.

Here are a few further suggestions:

Being a minority in Pakistan was never easy; I was often treated unfairly.

I have been captivated by the business world ever since I was a teenager.

Since that time, I have been immensely motivated to get involved in business, not only to earn profit but also to serve the society by providing employment in order to alleviate hunger and poverty from the economy .

majoring in Business Administration

My first contact with the with business and economics was at a young age

Writing Feedback / Causes of Global Financial Crisis [3]

The causes of the global financial crisis is a big and very complex topic. I appreciate your willingness and ability to tackle such a topic! But you will need to make sure that your reader follows you all the way through. So, first, you will need to orient your reader by providing an introduction that clearly states your thesis in terms that anybody can understand.

Next, go through and proofread carefully, adding missing articles ("the" "a" and "an") and commas.

While you are looking for the sentences in which you have left out commas, think about shortening your sentences, following George Orwell's famous dictum that "if it is possible to cut a word out, cut it out." When writing about complex topics, it is especially important to minimize the possibility of confusion by writing clear and concise sentences.

Finally, consider your audience. You do not tell us for whom you are writing. How much do they already know about this topic? What can you assume they will understand and what must you explain? Take the answers to those questions into account when revising this essay.

Undergraduate / 'Economics in Chengdu' - Letter of motivation to University of Amsterdam [13]

Taking your last question first, what many students do is write one essay which they then adjust to suit each university or program to which they apply. When adapting your personal essay to suit each school, be sure to note something specific about that school or program that attracts you and at least one reason why you are an especially appropriate candidate to that school or program.

Turning to your essay, this is a good start but needs a lot of work before it will be ready. Let's get the substance and style right first before fine-tuning the grammar and punctuation.

Your introduction is weak. "There are many reasons" is a passive and vague phrase. Instead, start with a strong statement about yourself or your desire to study economics and business in Amsterdam. I like what you say about wanting to live in and feel our fast-paced world, so that might be a good place to start. Or you could start with the memory of watching that skyscraper rising into the sky in only 10 months.

Yes, now that I think about it, that would be the place to start, with you watching the skyscraper soaring into the sky and wanting to be a part of that fast-paced world. From there, you can back-track to tell about your experiences in China and your wish to continue your path of study abroad.

Next, you will need to make your tone a little more formal. This:
So why not studying in Italy, maybe in an English-taught programme? First of all because, like I already said,
is too informal and also raises a question that is of concern to you, perhaps, but not to those reading your letter. Instead of arguing against the alternative, simply state the positive reasons why you wish to study abroad in general and in Amsterdam in particular.

Finally, you've told them why you want them. Don't forget to tell them why they should want you. What will you bring to the program that will be useful? I don't know you, but from what I've read, you will bring energy, curiosity, and experience with diverse cultures.

You'll also need to work on your grammar and punctuation, so feel free to post your revised essay for further feedback. Good luck!

Essays / BCC ESSAY on my academic life and career goals - I don't know what do I wanna do in future as my job [24]

First, I don't think the first one is so much better or well organized.

Next, I think it's very important to be as candid as possible without compromising your privacy or hurting your own interests. Truthful writing feels fresh and real. Lies always sound canned and stale, even when they are very clever.

So, it's not surprising that your more truthful essay is much more engaging. In that one, you sound like an honest and lively person with a distinct personality. The first essay, in contrast, could have been written by anybody.

At the same time, the second essay does have more errors and probably does disclose more than may be wise about your indecision. My challenge to you is to revise and clean up that essay, keeping the lively and honest tone. It's good that you are still questioning what you want to do. The undergraduate years are the years in which students learn what they are best suited to do. So, change the tone. Instead of saying "God, I don't know which one to take," say something about being excited by the possibilities and looking forward to the process of studying different subjects in order to, over time, learn more about yourself and the best way for you to make your mark in the world.

Writing Feedback / Essay on the legal drinking age [6]

First of all, let me say that it was so very smart of you to interview people of different ages for an essay on this topic. Right away, that demonstrates your creativity and intelligence while also making the essay more interesting to read.

Next, the essay is very well structured, but I would like to see a stronger conclusion. "I hope someday people will be more responsible for drinking" is such a vague statement. Instead, I'd like to see you decisively express your own view on the question of the drinking age and what else, if anything, should be done to encourage people to drink more responsibly.

On the whole, your grammar is very good. I have just a few corrections/suggestions:

You say "drinks awareness" a couple of times. Say "alcohol awareness" instead.

Put quotes around "Anything could happen," if those are the exact words of your interviewee.

...drinking can very easily lead to alcoholism and hurt surrounding people if we drink every day.

Proofread carefully, so that you find errors such as the missing "with" in "Danny disagreed the current legal age in the U.S."

Writing Feedback / WPE --The minimum wage in the U.S. [5]

I think that the economic facts do not back you up here -- increases in the minimum wage have historically tended to have a salutary rather than depressing effect on the economy -- but I guess that doesn't matter if the essay is only to demonstrate writing proficiency.

Some corrections:

It will affect the whole economy .

Second, increasing the minimum wages would simply increase unemployment [omit comma] and make it difficult for some companies to stay in business.

Omit commas after "employers" and "higher wage"

Thus, raising the minimum wage would end up hurting the very people the policy is meant to help .

wage would affect the economy negatively

Undergraduate / American Summer Camp in Kayrakkum, Tajikistan [4]

I do not think your grammar and vocabulary are so poor!

Why don't you share with us what you have already written about yourself, and then we can help you think about what to say in your conclusion?