Writing Feedback / [TOEFL ESSAY ] Should the Government Provide Free College? [4]

I am going to comment only on grammar and structure rather than on your arguments.

On the whole, this is a sound and well-structured essay with few errors.

the college tuitions and expenses

it would cost too much for the public to pay , the college education is a personal's choice, and there are many ways to fund a college education.

In addition, public funding of college education would force the government to raise our taxes again and again to fund college education.

in their own choice, not the government.

People who cannot afford to pay their tuition can take advantage of scholarships , financial aids, and other funds.

Funding college education would cost too much from taxpayers and the government .

Graduate / energy towards college, family personal statement/diversity statement for Law School [4]

This personal statement starts very strongly and is, for the most part, very compelling. However, as you say, there is a way that it is "all over the place." Also, the litany of the disadvantages you have overcome leaves you little room to talk about your excitement for and intellectual interest in the law.

I'd keep the introductory scenario and keep, although edit down, the story of your own experience with dating violence. I'd cut the part about going on to meet someone sweet and would think twice about putting so much focus on your child. Unfortunately, women with children still face discrimination in academia.

Similarly, while discrimination on the basis of any disability is not allowed, I would think twice about disclosing your learning disability in your personal statement. You may wish to wait to disclose your disability, and ask for any accommodations you require, until after gaining admission.

Admissions officers are keen to promote diversity in other realms, though, so do keep the story of your family's history, including the flight from Cuba and the lack of educational opportunities.

Now, onto style. Watch out for passive voice! The whole point of this piece is that you are active, rather than passive, in the face of adversity.

This is passive:
Hardships encountered have produced in me compassion and understanding of diverse people and experiences, and my exposure to varied branches of the justice system has grounded in me an appreciation of the legal process.

The hardships and the "exposure" are the actors here, not you.

Instead, you will want to say something like:
By confronting and surmounting my own hardships, I have developed compassion for others and an understanding of diverse people and experiences. In my encounters with varied branches of the legal system, I have grown to understand and sincerely appreciate the legal process.

Now, you are the active one, growing, developing, confronting and surmounting.

Also, watch out for empty platitudes and trite phrases such as "rise above whatever incapacitates us." Besides not saying much, such sentiments disappear your individuality into common sentimentality. Make sure that, by the end of the piece, they see you specifically rather than a generic survivor of adversity.

Essays / How can I describe this graph? [7]

Also, be sure to tell us the purpose of the essay. Why have you been asked to describe this graph? We cannot give good advice if we do not know this.

Undergraduate / Personal Essay (the college of Medicine) [3]

Mohammed,

I think you are allowing too much of your indecision into this essay. You don't tell us until the end what you want to study, and by then it sounds like you have only grudgingly and reluctantly decided to study medicine. With so many applicants very eager to study medicine, this will not help you at all.

I appreciate your candor, but you will need to find a way to write honestly while still expressing enthusiasm for your chosen field of study. What is it about medicine or genetics that excites you? Start with that! (Right now, the only excitement you express is for the field you will not study.)

Also, I am not so certain that you must choose between medical and genetics research if you are just now applying for undergraduate admissions. With a Life Sciences or biology major, you can go into either field. It is only in the course of your undergraduate education that you will learn for which field you are best suited.

Feel free to come back for advice on form once you have solved this most serious problem with the substance of your essay.

Good luck!

Writing Feedback / History, Royal Engineer essay. [6]

This is a remarkable essay for one so young! I have just some minor corrections for you:

Without further ado .

Without them, the Army would

There would have been no communication within the Army without the Sappers because

Without engineers, no supplies

The Royal Engineers' presence

"Without the Infrastructure the Royal Engineers built the British army would have struggled to take key military positions and win many main battles." -- Identify the source of this quote. It only proves your point if it comes from a credible source, such as an expert in military history.

Scholarship / "A Latin-American" - Scholarship/college essay [8]

You are clearly a very strong candidate for a scholarship. What sort of scholarship is it? If it is intended for particular students or for students interested in particular subjects, be sure to highlight the ways that you match the criteria for the award.

Two things stand out for me: (1) Your engagement in a variety of socially and environmentally-conscious causes, and (2) the barriers that you have faced in reaching your educational goals. Of these, the first makes you stand out most, because many people who apply for scholarships have faced barriers. So, my first piece of advice would be to replace your currently somewhat dull first sentence with a sentence that immediately tells the reader that this is a student who is already working for social and environmental justice and who will use this scholarship to move forward with that kind of work. Then go on, as you already do, to identify yourself as Latina/o and talk about your pride in your culture and the difficulties of being the first generation.

(By the way, I notice in that first paragraph that it is unclear whether you are the first generation in the United States or the first generation to pursue higher education -- be sure to specify which.)

On the question of writing, your grammar is generally good but you have a tendency to leave out commas. Commas are the equivalent of pauses in speech. When you leave them out, it makes your words run together as if a person were speaking without taking a breath. I notice that you tend to leave out the comma that should follow an introductory clause: "As my high school graduation approached," "Once I entered college," etc. Watch out for that in this essay and in your future writing.

Finally, let me say that I really hope you get this scholarship. Many students are active in causes, but too few understand how all of the issues -- race, poverty, pollution, animals, etc. -- are linked. We need more people like you in non-profit management!

Essays / How can I describe this graph? [7]

How you should describe this graph will depend on the nature of your assignment.

For example:

If you are describing graph simply to prove that you are able to read and understand graphs, then you would provide all of the identifying information -- the maker, the purpose, the source of information -- and then summarize the information presented.

If you are describing the graph for a course in the design of effective informatics, then you would again provide all of the identifying information but then go on to talk about things like the colors used and whether a bar chart is the best way to visualize this particular information.

If you are describing the graph for an economics course, you would again provide all of the identifying information and then go on to interpret the data presented in the chart in the context of theories or other facts learned in the course.

Why don't you have a go at describing the chart and then share your effort with us, being sure to tell us why you are describing the chart so that we can you appropriate feedback? Good luck!

Essays / Is father or mother who play the more important role in building up the children [8]

I really like the drama of the first paragraph, which Kevin did a great job of fixing up. This will draw the reader into your essay. You might wish to return to this scenario in your conclusion, applying the ideas that you raise in the body of your essay to the story.

But, before you do that, you must write the body of the essay. The next step is to use prewriting to clarify and organize your ideas. Use brainstorming (jotting down words or phrases as you let your mind wander) or freewriting (writing without worrying about grammar or punctuation) to come up with the main points that you want to make in the essay. Take your time with this step: The most important work of writing an essay occurs before you start writing, so don't cheat yourself by not taking enough time to think before you write!

Once you have at least three clear points that you wish to make, organize those into an outline. Since you have already drawn the reader in with such a strong introduction, you might want to use what's called "emphatic" organization, saving your strongest point for last. For each point, you must have some supporting information, such as empirical evidence from a reading or an example from life.

For each point that you want to make, write a paragraph that begins with a topic sentence that states your argument clearly. Then supply the supporting evidence.

Then you are ready to write your conclusion. Restate your main points and then return to the story with which you began the essay, applying what you have said to it.

Good luck and feel free to post more sections of the essay for feedback as you work!

Writing Feedback / Clep essay-Laws should not be rigid or fixed. Instead, they should be flexible. [4]

I can't tell you your score, but I can point out some errors and make some suggestions for the first paragraph:

Laws includesa are the rules

the countryman will violet -- I think you mean violate

and affecting other people in the country

The country will be...

messed up -- too informal

Nonetheless, there should be flexibility in terms of the consequences of breaking the law, depending on the circumstances, time, place and other considerations.

punishments may turn person rebellion -- I think you mean "may make a person rebellious

If we will give the offender a chance to reform, there is a possibility that people will improve .

Having made those specific suggestions, let me step back and be more useful by pointing out the patterns of error to which you might most productively attend.

I notice that you often omit the commas that set clauses apart from the rest of the sentence. Try reading your words aloud, remembering that commas stand for pauses. "To conclude law must be rigid and fixed" doesn't sound right. "To conclude, law must be rigid and fixed" does -- because the comma tells you to pause.

I also notice that you sometimes get tangled up in long sentences -- that's where your punctuation and phrasing start to go astray. For example: "Not only the rules are necessary but also the effective implementation of it because if there are thousands of rule book for any country but nobody follows it, then it makes no sense."

You will have an easier time saying what you mean here without error if you will express the ideas crowded into this sentence into a couple of sentences, as follows: "Rules are necessary but also must be enforced. If nobody follows the rules, they are useless."

So, my overall advice to you is (a) watch out for commas, and (b) use shorter and simpler sentences so that you won't need so many commas!

I know that this forces you to think and write much more simply than you would in your first language. You want to express complex thoughts more complexly. But, for purposes of passing the test, it's best to keep it simple. And, it's excellent practice in logic to break one's thoughts down into their simplest components.

Writing Feedback / War -- victor or no victor? [45]

Mustafa, you've obviously fulfilled the goal of writing a provocative essay! However it is, as you suspect, unfinished. I'd like to see you flesh out that final paragraph and then, perhaps, publish it.

Book Reports / Macbeth Motif essay. How motif develops Lady Macbeth [4]

To make this essay more readable and easy to understand:

(1) Put quotes around "fair is foul and foul is fair" every time you use the phrase.

(2) Start each of your body paragraphs with a topic sentence that begins with the word of the motif (blood, sleep, darkness).

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Essay-It can be quite difficult to learn a new language. [7]

I agree with Kevin -- you will pass!

Learning a new language is generally enjoyable but at the same time it requires a lot of effort and study .

When listing, make sure the elements of the list agree with one another. "Effort" is a noun but "studying hard" is a verb phrase. So, I changed "studying hard" to "study" to make them agree.

Essays / Raising a teenage boy vs teenage girl - writing a comparision and contrast essay [5]

As Kevin and Sean's replies demonstrate, there are several different ways a compare-contrast essay may be structured. Kevin has outlined the "one side at a time" method while Sean has offered the "point-by-point" method.

Either is generally acceptable, but some instructors have strong preferences about this, so be sure to make note of any guidance given by your teacher. Does your writing class have a textbook with a chapter or section on the compare-contrast essay? If so, the method outlined in your book is probably the method your instructor prefers.

The most important thing is to choose an organizational structure and stick with it. Brainstorm all of the points you want to make and then choose one of the methods to organize them into an outline before writing your first draft. Feel free to come back here for feedback on your outline or draft!

Writing Feedback / "People of MTV generation have no patience. They want instant satisfaction." [84]

The discussion seems to have gone astray. I'm going to bring it back to the original question.

For a presentation such as this, the teacher wants simply to see that you can cogently express an understanding of both sides of the question. If you are still studying English, it will be especially important to keep it simple and not get distracted by questions such as how to define the MTV generation or whether patience is a virtue.

State simply and clearly two reasons why you believe the current generation has less patience. Then say "on the other hand," and give one reason why that may not be true. For example, you might state that the internet has made students less willing to take the time to read whole books or that being able to shop online has made people more impatient when they have to wait in lines. As an opposing idea, you might raise the possibility that young people always seem impatient to their elders or that it is the nature of adolescence to want things quickly.

Next, take up each of your points in turn and explain it, giving details or examples from your own life.

Finally, restate your thesis, again stating the two reasons you think young people today are more impatient and the one reason that might not be true.

Because it is always complicated to give "for" and "against" arguments in the same presentation and because you are working in a second language, I think it will be most important for you to "keep it simple." Good luck!

Graduate / 'Traveling back in time' - Physician Assistant -- personal statament [8]

This is very strong! I just have a few suggestions:

No comma after "consequence" in the first paragraph.

Start a new paragraph with "I believe that what..."

Add a comma after "beholder."

Change "payback" to "reward."

Start a new paragraph with "I am specifically interested..."

Again, this is excellent! You've shown experience, dedication, and -- most importantly -- empathy for others. You're a very strong candidate.

Book Reports / Thousand Splendid Suns Essay Argument Points; thesis [6]

I see that Saffant's due date has passed, so I'll just offer advice for any student stuck at the same point in the book report writing process.

You have a thesis and three arguments. What next? You need supporting details for each argument. Time for some focused brainstorming.

Brainstorm each argument in turn, jotting down your ideas. In this instance, each of the arguments deals with the impact of social norms on a different character. So, the thing to do would be, for each of those characters:

- Imagine the character as s/he appeared in your mind's eye as you read the book.

- Call to mind the different incidents in the book involving that character.

- Jot down any incidents that support the argument that social norms are hurtful to that character.

- Think of the overall path of the character's development in the book. (Where s/he starts out and where s/he ends up.) Does this also support the argument?

As an aid to this brainstorming, you may want to actually flip through the book, glancing at different passages to refresh your memory. If you recall an incident vaguely, flip through the book to find it and refresh your memory. If you have read the book electronically, such as on Kindle or eLibrary, you can use the search feature to help you find passages related to your theme. Either way, jot down any quotations that support your arguments.

Once you have done this for each argument, it will be easy to outline the body of your essay and then move onto drafting your body paragraphs before writing your introduction and conclusion.