Essays / Best way to practice writing essays... [5]

Rich1981, that is excellent advice.

Mostly, JLee92, you just want to keep everything as simple as possible. Try using a form for essays, like Intro, 3-5 paragraph body, Conclusion. Even more complicated ideas can fit this format with a little tweaking.

Also, just write. Read it out loud, to see how it sounds. Notice things around you that you could write about. There are so many ways to get into essays. Try and see what works for you.

Writing Feedback / globalization and civil-military relations [3]


This part is confusing, and it may not be true in all cases. Your intro needs some more work. It is jumbled and confusing.Just take one idea at a time, and work with that for 3-4 sentences. then things will flow more smoothly.

Essays / Compare and Contrast Essay Topic (driving/flying or my sisters) [10]


Orlando, your advice is really good. This last comment isn't necessary at all. Please try to confine your remarks to just the paper and have some confidence in what you say.

Writing Feedback / The tell tale heart by A. Poe - story comment [5]

Ok. Got it.

The first third of the first page is your introduction. Talk about how people sometimes give in to their darker selves, and the thrill of that (in Poe's characters, it is always thrilling, like a heightened sense of awareness (the weeklong studying of the old man). Use that to lead in to the story, talking about time and the ticking away of time, and the beating of the heart and how it is like the ticking away of time toward death (in all of us, but especially for the old man). This is about a page of intense concentrated writing, mirroring the concentrated plan of the murderer. Finally you have two-thirds of a page to resolve it, the police come, and the young man is still heightened and super-aware, but it is beginning to turn to horror, as it always does.

Save the last 2-3 sentences for a summary.

Then you're done.

Essays / Reality shows:How real the reality shows are??-Thesis statement [11]


You will need to document this, as in "According to.." whatever poll or research it was.

I think that one show or one type of show is appropriate, certainly. Easier to manage, too.

Don't worry about grammar yet. That can be fixed later. Right now, just get the main ideas and facts straight.


This is pretty broad. You might need to narrow it, like some reality shows . That way they don't get all dumped in together and you will be able to support your arguments better.

Book Reports / comparing two short stories for english, the lottery and the most dangerous game [3]

Carrie, you make very intelligent comments. I like that. And you're right here.

Start broadly. For example, I am composing an essay for a college teacher friend of mine who wants a creative nonfiction natural essay. She knows I'm interested in the southern Applachians, so my essay begins with how the Appalachian Mountains were formed. Gradually, I end up focusing on one mountain, and how it is endangered.

It can be the same with you. Start with a broad subject, like evil, and how it isn't confined to just one kind of human, but that we are all capable of it. Give some examples like the Salem witch trials, or Lizzie Borden. Gradually, move into a discussion of the kinds of evil in the two books, comparing them and discussing how they are different, but that the effect is the same.

Essays / Compare and Contrast Essay Topic (driving/flying or my sisters) [10]

What you just told CarrieC is perfect. I could see your sudden emotion about it, your joy in remembering.

That's perfect for an essay. All you really have to do is choose two or three of the best moments, tell them in all of their details, like little stories where you build them up and maybe spring a surprise on the reader, or build the tension until the reader just has to know what comes next.

You're really on the right track here. Try that and see if it works out.

Essays / a paragraph on my favorite dessert [8]

Dessert is good to us because it appeals strongly to our senses and also to memories we have related to them. So think about it that way. Have any strong emotions with red velvet cake? Cake in general that is transferable? Colors? Textures? What that butter cream icing is like? Think in terms of metaphores or even similes. "Red velvet cake is a sweet slow dance at the end of an evening." Like that. See? Make your reader want some.

Essays / Reality shows:How real the reality shows are??-Thesis statement [11]

Unfortunately no. I am not a fan of reality TV at all. But I would suggest that you do an online search for references to it, especially the psychology of reality and then the commercialization of it. \That might be a good place to begin.

Writing Feedback / The lack educational programs in UAE [3]


Change this around. It tells me that the students are limited and unsuitable for future studies. I don't think that's what you mean.

Second paragraph, I didn't understand any of that. Give some examples, please, so I can know what you're talking about.

Last paragraph, while you are making suggestions: the government really should make laws about what must be taught i every high school, and anyone graduating from high school who passed these is eligible for university studies.

I think you have everything in your paper, it just needs to be reqorded so that everything is more clear.

Writing Feedback / Summary Paper and reflection on "Superman and me" story [3]


I really like what you are doing with this, but this part right here just about killed me. Gave me a concussion from the sudden shift in time and place. When you change stuff like that, you have to warn the reader.

Be careful with your run-on sentences, capitals where there shouldn't be any, etc. It's like a busy main street with tall billboards and no stop lights--not a good conbination.

Think about each paragraph as a separate piece of the whole paper, like a puzzle. They all have to fit together to make a picture. You have a compelling picture to show, one in which people would be interested. Take your time. Go slowly. Find out where the connections are.

You're doing fine, just slow down, think it through, and make everything connect naturaly and smoothly.

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay---Technology has made the world a better place to live. [16]


Not really sure what this has to do with technology. Factories were built before there was much technology.

Your first paragraph is actually not long enough. The problem now is that it is all mixed up, and doesn't follow a logical flow. First, define what you mean by technology. Second, make the case for the benefits of technology. Third, discuss the negatives. That will lead you into the next part, about your opinion, and so forth. Your first paragraph, then, will have 6-8 good well-developed sentences.

Writing Feedback / The tell tale heart by A. Poe - story comment [5]


Be careful with this. The statement is not true. The basis of Poe's work is that the people in the stories are ordinary people who have dark impulses, and some circumstance drives them into their darker selves.

That being said, your analysis is pretty standard. I'm not sure what you're supposed to do exactly, but I'd take the time issue and really develop it. I'm talking a couple of pages worth. It's that important to the story.

So are the visual and auditory cues. That's another area that can really be developed.

There are a lot of ways you can go with this. I think, unless you've just been asked to give a summary, it would be great if you could take an idea and just go with it. It's more fun, too.

Writing Feedback / There two main kinds of justice in our life; Justice (English 1) [4]

There definitely needs to be some work on grammar and sentence flow.

You have 2 main ideas here--natural justice and legal justice. I think it would be better to develop these ideas separately, in different paragraphs, rather than just being thrown into one long paragraph. Develop each idea as much as you can.

After doing that, mention the similarities and differences. There are some pretty significant ones.

Finally, make a paragraph restating basically what you've said in the rest of the paper.

I like your examples, and they should remain a part of your revised paper.

Writing Feedback / Avantages of watching TV outweight its disadvantages; IInfluence of watching TV [7]

There are several grammatical problems with this. It is enough to interrupt the flow of the ideas. For example:


Missing definite articles, use of prepositions where they are not needed, etc.

Overall, it can be an interesting essay. You might want to think about also supporting your statements, like the 100 percent statement. Where did that come from?

The conclusion should also restate the basic points of the argument again. It needs to be longer.

Undergraduate / "Speak Up" - college essay. NEEDS REVISIONS [6]

The essay is great. I felt like cheering. and I tend to be more on the side of your classmates.

It is organized well, and flows well. That adds to it, too

The only problem I see is some of the vocabulary choices. For example, 'extrinsic' and 'falter.' 'Falter does not take an object, though you provided one. You could rework that phrase so it doesn't have you as the object.

Some vocab choices are great. I especially like 'contravened.' Perfect.

Well done. Just needs a little tweaking.

Undergraduate / Is it OK to point out that you are not a good student because of other pursuits? [7]

If it were me, I'd just omit. If they want to know about it, they'll ask. As I said, it's just a matter of balance.

Undergraduate / Is it OK to point out that you are not a good student because of other pursuits? [7]

I think you would do well emphasizing the balance of your life. When you retook the courses, you passed. That will please them. You are also a successful athlete. That is something which is an accomplishment too. You are an accomplished person, and I can tell you, that isn't all that common. Play up the highlights like that, and don't mention anything they didn't specifically ask for. If later they ask, tell the truth. but you don't have to tell everything up front. Focus on the balance.

Writing Feedback / "Kant' duty ethics" - Help with my research essay [4]

I don't know how long your essay is supposed to be, but it needs to be longer than this. The topic is much too complex to be written about in a few paragraphs.

It's not that difficult to do, though. Each idea of Kant's should comprise a different paragraph or set of paragraphs, with some of Kant's own words as a basis for the discussion. This would be the explaining part and then you would write the critical analysis part, based on perhaps your own observations or on the observations of Kantian scholars and critics.

I know that the topic is 'duty ethics.' That's the overall essay. but specifically you mention 'will,' 'moral truth,' the 'categorical imperative,' and 'universalizability.' Each of these needs to be developed more fully, each with a specific example. That would make your essay more credible and much better.

Essays / Reality shows:How real the reality shows are??-Thesis statement [11]

I always begin generally and then get specific. For example, here I would begin by explaining what reality is, what it's supposed to be in the context of TV, and what it really is in that same context. This allows you some freedom to maneuver in your arguments, and to move along a continuum of ideas and reality show types.

Book Reports / analytical essay on 1984 and Brave New World [4]

Your ideas are fine. The connection to the Chinese is an interesting angle. You could even do it with the modern Chinese with their industrialization and class society. I assume that you are still in the planning stages.

I'd like to see some sample paragraphs containing your ideas. That would be the best way to judge it, I think.

Undergraduate / 'Soccer fascinates me' - Common app short essay [12]

The quote is ok, but it was Thomas Edison.

Overall, I think it's ok, not great. I would like to have seen some development of some of your statements. They are of the general 'pep talk' kind of statements that sound good but don't really say anything. For example:

If we believe victory is ours, nothing can beat us, in football or life.

Is this really true?

Just something for you to think about.