Undergraduate / Upenn essay - need help on starting [4]

So focus on how you hope to gain a broad liberal arts education that will still have pragmatic applications. Or how you hope to eventually find a way to do interdisciplinary work that combines elements from various arts and sciences. Or talk about how you want to develop your critical thinking skills before specializing in a more business-related area. Each of these approaches picks up on one of the website details ("pragmatic," "flexible . . . interdisciplinary," and "entrepreneurship" respectively.

Essays / PhD Social work program - what kind of essay they require? [4]

3 and 4 seem pretty much the same. 1 and 2 would presumably cover much the same sort of material, but also want you to talk about your personal educational goals and career plans. You can probably modify your research proposal a bit to tailor it to the exact wording in each prompt without too much work.

Writing Feedback / Essay on mandatory School Uniforms. Need revision help. [2]

The most noticeable problem with this essay is that you cut back and forth between both sides of the argument without really addressing why the side you are arguing against is wrong. For instance, you state all of the following in the first half of the essay:

"A majority of students started wearing school uniforms in 1994, and since then the crime rate has decreased by 91 percent. A man who published a study on uniforms, Keith King said that wearing a school uniform is "the number one protective factor against school violence ("Require")."

"Principal Rudolph Saunders at Stephen Decatur Middle School mentions that students behave better in the classroom when they are all dressed in uniform. He states, "It's like night and day. We have 'dress down' days, and the kids' behavior is just completely different on those days (Viadero).""

"However, high school student Evelyn Rivera says, "People still act the same. Uniforms are not really helpful if we do not address the problems kids have ("Require").""

"In addition, a researcher at the University of Missouri-Columbia and an assistant professor of sociology, David L. Brunsma, has been doing research on the effects of school uniforms since President Clinton addressed the issue in his State of the Union Address in 1996. Brunsma has concluded that it does not do much too actually improve the issues (Viadero)."

You present all of this information without ever really explaining which comments you agree with, and more importantly, why. For instance, you never explain why you think the student and the sociology professor should be considered more authoritative than the principal and the researcher. You also don't explore the reasons that the empirical effects of uniform policies are difficult to measure. If schools that adopt a uniform policy report a decrease in violence, is it because the adoption of uniforms is normally part of a push for more discipline in the classroom in general? If so, to what extent could that discipline be maintained without uniforms? If, as you argue later on, school uniforms inhibit creativity, what research has been done to show that this actually happens? If there is strong research showing such an effect, then does the issue become one of balancing discipline versus creativity? If this is the case, is there a middle ground, dress codes but not uniforms, that might represent a compromise everyone could agree to?

I guess what I'm getting at is that, in covering both sides of the debate, you have presented thesis and antithesis without actually including the synthesis that such as essay would normally incorporate. At the very least, you should explain why the pro-uniform statements you include are wrong or beside the point.

Undergraduate / GW Straight Med essay? So incredibly lost. Guidance? [2]

I see what you mean. This actually reads like two essays. The first one is an explanation of the reason why you want to join a medical program in general. The second one, tacked on to the end, is the reason why you want to join GW's program in particular. Really, I think this could be made into quite a good essay simply by working on creating a smoother transition between the two parts, and by elaborating a bit more on the second half. In terms of the transition, simply maintain the style you have been using up until you make the shift, instead of drawing attention to the transition by phrasing it as a question. So, "Having decided that I wanted to pursue a medical career, the only question became where to take the degree. Georg Washington immediately recommended itself for several reasons . . ." then expand on what those reasons were. What exactly about the DC atmosphere caught your attention. What separates GW's program from its competitors? (Hint: reflect back whatever they say in that regard on their website) What sort of community service does GW do, and how do you plan to participate? That sort of thing.

Undergraduate / The accident that left my nose damaged badly [2]

Overall a very good job. An interesting story full of vivid details and thoughtful reflection. To improve, I'd work more on smoothing out the transitions from one paragraph to the next. Some of them can be a bit abrupt. For instance, while it is clear that your Grandfather;s advice allowed you to see yourself in a new light, it is less obvious how it allowed you to see others, who had been quite cruel, in an optimistic way.

Book Reports / Tell us about your favorite book. 2 para book review. [4]

This is fairly solid. A couple of tips, though. When describing events in a book, it is customary to use the present tense, rather than the past tense, so you should alter your tenses throughout to match that convention. If you have more room, you might also want to go into a bit more detail about the connection between the background (war-torn Afghanistan) and the theme of redemption, but it isn't strictly necessary.

Undergraduate / Why XYZ college? [4]

Overall, fairly well-written. A handful of minor points:

". . . she said is amazingly met my perception about a perfect college" Revise to something like ". . . she said perfectly reflected my view of an ideal college," or some such.

". . . the same things as what the woman had mentioned." Delete the "as what"

" . . . the students their own charge of their own education." Delete the first instance of the words "their own"

"The Honor Code also builds the trust and cooperation between students and faculty" Just "builds trust . . ." will do. No need for the "the"

"As I reflect back on my life, I can see that my intellectual ability will be challenged to grow in the research-style study as well as the CISLA internationalized internship in XYZ." Reflecting back helps you see what's ahead of you? The idea might work if it were better developed, but as it stands it just seems contradictory.

"will provide me the latest of advancement in my fields" This doesn't work. Try something more along the lines of "will provide me the opportunity to work on the cutting edge of my field."

"I am now so perplexed at my inability to explain in depth to others how greatly I want to attend to XYZ for the sake of a concise essay." Eliminate this sentence. You have just shown that you can explain yourself quite readily in a concise essay.

". . . but also in my social life." Um, this seems like a bit of a non sequitur. It doesn't really connect to anything that has come before.

Writing Feedback / Chivalry Essay, Advantages and Disadvantages [2]

Too much retelling of the story, not enough analysis. Also, what analysis there is tends to miss the mark. For instance, Gawain's valuing his life more than the code is not a disadvantage of chivalry, it is merely evidence that Gawain is not as chivalrous as he thinks. The advantages to chivalry lie in the fact that it holds people to some of the highest human virtues, such as courage and honor. The disadvantages lie in the fact that it values those virtues beyond the call of reason. Consider that in "Gawain and the Green Knight," the Green Knight could easily have decapitated Gawain. Thus, by being chivalrous, Gawain would have died for no particular reason except the fact that chivalry forbade him from refusing a challenge that was, on the face of it, preposterous. Likewise, in Morte d'Arthur, chivalry binds Bedivere to throw away the best weapon his side has for defending the kingdom merely because of his oath to obey the King. However, what sort of world would we have if people were always willing to sacrifice their virtues to the expediencies of the moment? This is really the sort of debate your essay should engage in, using the events from the stories as evidence for your point of view.

Writing Feedback / "I love my friends" essay, help edit [3]

It would be easier to edit this if I knew what exactly your goal was in writing it, although the fact that the goal isn't immediately obvious is perhaps a problem in and of itself. Is this an essay meant to show how outgoing you are? Is it meant as a narrative piece about the importance of Kari and Marc to you? Is it a piece about the precious but fleeting value of childhood friends? I guess what I'm trying to say is that at the moment, the piece seems to lack a purpose, beyond your stating that you really like your friends. That's great, but there is no particular reason why your reader should care. If this is just a piece written for yourself, that doesn't much matter, of course, but if you are concerned with editing it, then presumably you are going to be showing it to an audience of some sort, which means you need to give the reader a reason to be interested.

Undergraduate / 'economics and law, calculus and chemistry, and philosophy and film' -Why Duke? Short [4]

"There are a great number of reasons why I am applying to Duke; indeed, to list all of Duke's attractive qualities would certainly break the word count." Nice try. If Duke really has so many attractive qualities, though, you should certainly eliminate these phrases in favor of a specific list. Or, failing that, you might want to consider using the room to talk a bit more about how Duke's commitment to interdisciplinary work suits you. For instance, you could talk about how an understanding of economics and law would enhance your ability to analyze politics, or about how, when combined with a background in philosophy, your poli. sci studies would allow you to create films that functioned as effective political commentary. Bear in mind that interdisciplinary work doesn't mean simply studying an eclectic melange of courses from different disciplines. Ideally, it means bringing together aspects from two or more disciplines in a way that makes sense.

Undergraduate / 'girl from a foreign country had impact' - harvard common app [26]

Your grammar is generally good. There are some cases where you could tighten up the writing a bit, though. For instance "Caught off guard by her frankness, I was surprised." "Caught off guard" means "surprised" so your sentence actually reads as "Surprised by her frankness, I was surprised." Also, "boy teenager" sounds a bit awkward. I'd go with your age followed by the word "boy."

Yes, it was very interesting to read.

Yes, in the manner of things that are very interesting to read :)

I like the conclusion. You end on a rhetorical question that emerges naturally from the narrative you have just presented. Good job.

Undergraduate / An autobiographical essay this is for pace university [2]

I'd suggest you start by expanding on your struggles with dyslexia. You use that as a theme to unite most of your essay anyway, so it would seem natural to go into more detail about those experiences. Likewise, you might want to explain a bit more about why your teacher at Tech took such a dislike to you, and discuss in more detail how you handled that challenge. I'd also get rid of the second-last paragraph, which doesn't seem connected thematically to the rest of the essay.

Undergraduate / 'girl from a foreign country had impact' - harvard common app [26]

Generally well-written; you have a good writing style. If you want to improve the essay a bit, I would suggest giving stronger examples of disrespect from the students at the beginning. Complaining about their dormitories just doesn't seem that bad, especially since, for all the reader knows, the dormitories may have been in very bad shape. Likewise, the students may have been demanding food because they hadn't eaten in eighteen hours. Out of context, these behaviors just aren't that shocking, much less examples of "the most disrespectful behavior" an American teen might have ever seen. I'd replace these examples with ones more like the one where you get locked out of the room.

Undergraduate / 'naval budget' - MaCaulay Honors College Essay [9]

Much more focused question, with the result that the essay itself is a lot stronger.

Two relatively minor points you might want to look at, though.

First, you follow "the global war on terror" with an acronym (GWOT) that you never actually use again, but you make a couple of references to the USMC without ever specifying that it refers to the U.S. Marine Corps.

Second, in the third paragraph, you say that "the Navy plays an important role in the global war on terror (GWOT), namely through the use of our 11 nuclear powered aircraft carriers, which provide air support to our ground troops" Then, in the fourth paragraph, you say "$14.1 billion is slated for new warships like the Gerald R. Ford class aircraft carrier. Considering the current type of combat the US Military is engaged in, this appears to be an exorbitant waste of vital funds." Possibly your essay would be stronger if you used a warship other than an aircraft carrier as an example here.

Undergraduate / 'Better cooking' - Lafayette Supplement [4]

The main problem with this essay is that cooking rice and chicken by following a youtube video just doesn't seem like a very powerful accomplishment (Sorry). The good news is that the assignment doesn't have to be about an achievement -- just a creative interest. So, if you like to cook, you can talk about what it is about cooking that you enjoy. Also, I notice that you haven't mentioned what you are applying for (this sounds like an application essay). If its for a cooking school, you're definitely on the right track. If you are applying for, say, history or math or some other program utterly unrelated to cooking, then you might want to pick a more relevant interest or accomplishment to talk about.

Grammar, Usage / What is the difference between a hypothesis & aim? [5]

The hypothesis is the statement you are trying to prove or disprove in your assignment.

The aim of the assignment would usually be to prove or disprove your hypothesis, so having that as a separate section does seem a bit confusing. First, I'd check to see if the assignment has a goal beyond testing the hypothesis. For instance, is the reason you have been given the assignment to make you review the literature on a certain topic? If the assignment has a specific purpose independent of the hypothesis you chose, then you should probably write about that. Otherwise, I'd say that this section is where you would give your reasons for wanting to test the hypothesis. So, if your hypothesis is "green grass will turn blue when exposed to certain types of sulfates," why do you care? Why should anybody else? How is this going to advance your field of study in a meaningful way?

Essays / points on how to write an essay about myself; give me a sample [12]

Start by brainstorming things about yourself, your background, and your culture that make you unique. So, in my case, since my parents come from England, I might choose to focus on how my British heritage has given me a dry sense of humor, an appreciation of verbal irony, a knowledge of British history, an understanding of how accents can convey social information about class, a realization that English is not a single language but several closely related ones, etc. Once you have a list of points that you can write about, decide which ones would most recommend you to the school you are applying to given the program you are applying for. So, in my case, if I were planning to major in English, I might play up the sense of humor and the appreciation of irony. If I were planning to major in history, though, I might focus more on how having British parents made me take an interest in where people come from. This sort of focused approach should be fairly easy for most of the humanities and social sciences. If you are applying for programs in math, engineering, or any of the hard sciences, you'll have to work a bit harder at it, but it should still be possible. So, for example, if I were applying for a degree in Chemistry, I might talk about how I have always viewed my parents as atoms of one element mixed into atoms of another, forming a cultural compound that is neither wholly British nor wholly American.

Writing Feedback / Toefl: What is a very important skill a person should learn [2]

This essay needs revising to be clearer throughout. You can start by defining in your introduction what you mean by stress management as a skill. Do you mean stress avoidance (learning how to avoid entering into stressful situations), stress reduction (learning how to feel less stress in a situation that normally causes a lot of stress), or stress coping (learning how to minimize the negative effects of stress on your life, even if you still feel as much stress as you did before). You can then improve your introduction still further by including a summary of your reasons at the end of your introductory paragraph.

For the body paragraphs, try to make sure that each paragraph clearly explains one of your reasons using concrete examples. So, if stress management is an important skill because stress can prevent us from achieving our goals, give an example of a situation in which stress acts this way , and explain how stress management, as defined in your introduction, can help. Repeat this process for your other body paragraphs.

More generally, I'd also suggest revising the essay with a view to eliminating logical inconsistencies. For instance, if we can survive unbearable stress, then it isn't really unbearable. How can stress arise from positive experiences as well as negative ones? If you are going to make statements that seem counter-intuitive (that sound wrong when you first hear them), then you need to explain yourself.

Undergraduate / 'aspirations of being a lawyer' - This is a free write admission essay for Bethune [7]

In an admissions essay, it is perhaps unwise to dwell on what you do not want to do. It might be better to write instead about what you do want to do. If you are not certain about what subject you specifically want to major in, you can focus on the general benefits you hope to gain from a college education, such as critical thinking skills, a broader mind, a sharper ability to learn, etc.

Undergraduate / "Your family's cultures" Review this and give constructive criticism:-) [3]

The best way to improve this essay would be to give more specific examples. If your family instilled a strong work ethic in you, give an instance of a situation in which you applied that work ethic with the help of your family. If you can, draw parallels between the example you choose and the situation you find yourself in at the moment (someone moving from school to university). If you are having trouble thinking of an example, be creative -- the example doesn't have to be real, it just has to sound convincing and make your point effectively.

Research Papers / How to split up topics in a research paper? [3]

It depends on the format expected by your professor/teacher. Some papers are written out normally while others are divided into sections. I'd suggest asking the person you will be handing the paper in to when you are done. Ideally, this will be an minor issue: even if you write the paper in sections, you should make sure that your transitions are good enough that the essay would flow even if the titles were removed.

Writing Feedback / "The Candy store" essay - need help on editing and a maybe a conclusion [3]

My first thought here is that you use way too many candy types in your essay. Rather than move through so many different types, you might want to consider focusing on a single type, and elaborating on how that matches your personality. If you are determined to include the entire list, then you will need to greatly increase the amount you have written for each candy type. At the moment, you have only three or four sentence paragraphs, and for most of those paragraphs, the sentences could be easily combined into only one or two sentences, far fewer than a standard paragraph would normally have. I would suggest elaborating more on details you have already included. For instance, when you compare yourself to a Reese's, you talk about how the salty side of you gets the things people do not understand. How exactly is salt connected to getting things people do not understand? What does it mean that the salty side is combined with a sweet side? Do the two sides complement each other, or do they conflict? (You don't necessarily have to use the Reese's example if you want to focus on just one comparison; I'm just using that as an example).

Undergraduate / Doing research with professors - What is most appealing about Columbia [7]

You have answered the question, but you might want to tighten up your response a bit. For instance, is it really important to mention that you are impressed by the fact that Columbia University had a good economics program in the 1940s? You say that you like the fact that Columbia's economic program focuses on an empirical approach. Perhaps you could expand on that. In what way can Columbia's approach be termed 'empirical'? How does this make Columbia different from most other economics programs? Why does this approach appeal to you? If you write mostly or entirely about this one aspect of the program, your answer to the question will seem much more focused than it currently does.

Undergraduate / Upenn essay - need help on starting [4]

You're dealing here with a fairly standard university admissions essay. Many universities want to know why you are applying, and all want to hear about how unique and valuable you think they are. Mostly your goal in writing the essay should be to show that you have taken the time to read up about the university and to do some research on it. Try to reflect back the things that seem important to the university on its website. So, for instance, the Upenn website talks about how it was founded in a spirit of "entrepreneurship, innovation, invention, outreach, and a pragmatic love of knowledge," and how its "flexible mindset makes Penn a national leader in interdisciplinary programs, crossing traditional academic and professional boundaries to engage participants in the pursuit of new -- and useful -- knowledge." Talk about how your interests mesh with these details. Feel free to be creative -- the people reading your essay won't know how you actually feel, only what you've told them you feel in your writing.

Writing Feedback / Plato, Aristotle, Dante (poetry v. philosophy essay) [5]

Your thesis is clear and relatively strong. I would suggest weaving in more quotations from Plato and Aristotle, preferably in the sections on Dante, in order to demonstrate more clearly how Dante draws on both of these traditions to form his synthesis. You might also want to consider more carefully how Dante, as a Christian writing from an explicitly Christian perspective, has good reason to seek such a synthesis. Remember that Christ's greatest commandment is primarily an emotional one: "Love one another, as I have loved you," which strongly implies that the divine contains the emotional. It is also a call to imitation of the divine through human action in the material world, btw, which gels well with your thoughts on Aristotle.

Undergraduate / 'naval budget' - MaCaulay Honors College Essay [9]

You do have a clear question: "is our country's large naval flee necessary in today's military theaters?" You might want to narrow the focus of the question a bit, though, given that you only have 500 words to answer it in. To even begin to deal with the question as it stands, you need to analyze how the navy is composed, what roles each type of ship plays in today's military theaters, and how funding is allocated to various navy projects. You touch on all of these, but so briefly as to make the essay seem a bit unfocused. To give a solid answer, you would also have to look at the other goals, besides effectiveness in certain theaters, a large navy is meant to serve. For instance, the existence of such a powerful navy may be one reason why the seas have not become a military theater in action against either Russia or China. Unless you deal with these issue, it will be premature to conclude that funding should be cut, but you don't have room to expand your essay much further. You might try a more focused question, such as "should funding for new warships for the U.S. navy be reduced?" Each of the points you raise in your essay is a solid reason for answering "yes" to that question, and it would be much easier to connect them all together without seeming like you've left out a ton of vital information.