Posts by abdo65619

abdo65619

Apr 7, 2018

Scholarship / Scholarship essay about my educational goals, reasons for applying, and how I would help my country [4]

the prompt: A short essay - of about 500 words in English - giving reasons for applying for the OFID scholarship, explaining your educational goals, and clearly describing how you will use the experience gained from your Master's degree studies to help in the development of your home country.

OFID scholarship application

I got my bachelor of engineering (Honours) in mechanical engineering (Power). I aspire to get the master degree to increase my knowledge in the renewable energy and the design of mechanical systems fields, as my courses will be focused on them. This will allow me to be able to design complete systems to transform the available free energy into utilizable forms; solar and wind energies systems. Moreover, the degree will assist me in my pursuits to initiate an organization for energy researches; learning from the best in the USA, which is considered a leading country when it comes to scientific researches. Also, the master degree will be a stepping stone for the Ph.D. which would qualify me to contribute in the policy of the energy and industrial sector in my country from powerful positions.

After getting my degree I intend to work in the development of energy systems (solar and wind) for irrigation and domestic purposes. The irrigation systems will reduce the cost of crops production, since it has no operational costs, therefore, reducing the food prices for the citizens. In addition, the cheap irrigation systems will encourage the farmers and the government to grow wheat in the northern Sudan where the environment is more favorable for that than in Al-Gazira scheme. This will increase the productivity of the wheat and help us as a Sudanese to reach the self-sufficiency of wheat. Another benefit of the solar and wind energy irrigation systems is that they are environment friendlier than the diesel-powered water pumps.

Regarding domestic purposes, many parts of Sudan especially rural areas do not have access to the national electricity grid. For that, my organization will be concerned on providing a reliable projects for solar energy systems for electricity in the different parts of Sudan; we are going to design the projects to meet the demand of the specific regions, then presenting the projects to the government and the international organizations that concerning with the development in the rural areas to fund the projects. This will help in reducing the rates of technological illiteracy in Sudanese students, in rural areas and states that do not have a steady electricity supply, by providing stable supply of electricity through our systems what will allow the use of computers and other labs related to different fields in the regional universities.

I have decided to apply for OFID scholarship for main two reasons; firstly, I have felt no pressure while writing my essay, as many scholarships has specific criteria for their candidate, I found that OFID suit my ambitions and passion. And this would be very helpful to build stronger channels between the OFID and my organization, in the future, to support our pursuits to eradicate poverty, hunger, and illiteracy in Sudan and the whole world. Secondly, OFID does not require taking the studies in specific institutions. This represents an advantage for the candidates, as they will study in their dreams schools the programs that best fit to their skills and passion, without the need to adjust one mind to specific universities just to get the scholarship.

abdo65619

Apr 7, 2018

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 topic: individuals to provide environmental problems solution [6]

Generally, your writing is good, but you have to reconsider the following points:

1- using the first person (we, I, you,...etc) in academic essay.

2- in "Obviously, the problems of ..." the word "obviously" is not suitable for academic essays; you're discussing a view without any statistical evidences. It would be better if you said: the proponent of this belief claim that.........

3- you left your ideas ambiguous between the proclaimed prompt. You have to be clear and precise as much as you can about your own opinions. The reader must not find any difficulty to figure out your own opinions.

Your vocabulary is good, and with a little training you will nail it!
Best,

abdo65619

Apr 8, 2018

Graduate / SOP for Master's in Management, technology and entrepreneurship - background, career strategy, aims [2]

@MugdhaG
Your statement of purpose is perfectly developed about your background, however, you have not presented a compelling reasoning when you talked about your career strategy. For example, ".....I wish to pursue the vision to climb (...) " why? and how you are going to proceed the answer of 'why'? answering these question will show the reader your critical thinking abilities, and will give him an impression that you know what you are doing.

You have inclined to write in a showy style rather than the rigorous sophisticated academic one. Obviously, you mentioned many things that does not fulfill the prompt, as in the sixth paragraph; " A myriad of thoughts.....". in the admission essays, especially for graduate studies, it is preferable to focus on your accomplishments, background, and career goals, rather than mentioning your opinions or general information out of prompt domain.

Try to focus more on your goals and how this specific institution will assist you achieving your goal and give clear answers for: (why I want this?, what will I do after achieving it?, and how will I do it?)

In "I believe that my thoughts ..." you committed two mistakes; firstly, you degraded yourself when you said 'my thoughts are widespread', even if so, try not mention that; focus on your strengths, and directly start showing how effective are your thoughts, which obviously you did not do (the second mistake); you just said your thoughts are effective.

You have a lot of experience and many things to impress the admission committee, just give your career goals and aim more space, be confident, and you will get what you pursue.

I would appreciate a feedback from you on my thread.
All the best, .

abdo65619

Apr 9, 2018

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Task 2 - Television ads targeted at young children - what is their influence on youngsters? [3]

@Louvy
It is very important to understand that "Academic essay means OBJECTIVITY". You must avoid expressing, intentionally or unintentionally, any personal feeling, in other word "SUBJECTIVITY". This will cause you get a low score regardless of your writing abilities.

A typical academic essay is comprised of:

1- Introduction: brief overview that give the reader the sense of the whole essay + thesis statement (the controlling idea of the essay).

2- Paragraphs: topic statement (in your case, it should be one of the reasons) + supporting idea (a statement that emphasizes the topic statement) + examples. (each paragraph must consist of these components). Your paragraphs have topic statements and supporting ideas, but they lack of examples. Always make a list of examples for each reason (at least two) before you start writing, and remember you do not have to memorize or think deeply, just EXTEMPORIZE.

3- Conclusion: It must summarize the whole essay; (restating the thesis and topic statements).
sticking to the this structure with the objectivity on fulfilling the prompt will guarantee you a great score.

All the best,

abdo65619

Apr 9, 2018

Writing Feedback / Media and Information Accuracy - TOEFL [2]

@Elain1997
Except some minor mistakes and the conclusion, this is well written essay. The first three paragraphs are very good except: " fined about ~~100,000,000 NT~~" when writing an amount of money try to use the words, in the worst cases do not write much of zeros; 100 million NT will work, won't it?

In "~~supervisor~~ system", instead use supervising systems.
".....release ~~the accuracy~~ information to.....", instead (accurate information).
.
Adding another small paragraph before the conclusion about the other side, reasons that let the people think the media present inaccurate information, and refute them will make this essay excellent.

Regarding the conclusion, you must assert your position and restate your reasons (the topic sentence of each paragraph).

All the best,

abdo65619

Apr 10, 2018

Scholarship / My proposed study will help me to understand people better. Positive for my career and for Indonesia [2]

@Ivonsestia
Greetings,
I want to applaud your enthusiasm to make a positive impact on your community. The journey might be tough, but always remember that: "nothing good come without work".

Regardless your grammatical mistakes, your essay needs to be organized first. I want you to seriously consider the following points:
1- In the introduction, start by writing about your academic background, and how you became interested in the field.
2- At least try to make a four paragraph essay. And each paragraph should focus on one point. For example, getting a better understanding of others, a whole paragraph could be just about this. You have to mention how the study will help you get this good understanding?, and how you can benefit from this skill?

In another paragraph you can talk about how the study will help you get a position in an organization that focuses in humans issues? And how working in like this organization will help you improve the quality of the Indonesians, and raising their awareness of the pride of belonging to Indonesia. Golden advice: "in admission's or scholarship's essays AVOID the generality, always be as much specific as you can. And find a reason for anything that you write"

3- Do not write single sentence conclusion, this will make the reader feels that you are exhausted, and you do not have a good command on the language. In scholarship essays the last paragraph should assert your strength. If you want to sell someone something, what would be your last words to close the deal?!

4- Take sometimes and reread your grammer book, this will save you from obvious mistakes that would disqualify your essay.
Following these advices would improve you essay significantly. Make the modifications and let us see!
All the best,

abdo65619

Apr 11, 2018

Scholarship / Scholarship essay about my educational goals, reasons for applying, and how I would help my country [4]

Thank you for your invaluable feedback. I will do my best to improve my essay.

abdo65619

Apr 28, 2018

Writing Feedback / The best of the best inventions for the last decade - PTE writing [2]

Hi Peter,
The quality of an academic essay is measured by its complexity; how cogent and concrete are the ideas and supporting examples presented.
Your ideas are simple, and I believe that you can come up with more important ones, about the benefits of computers.
Avoid repeating the same ideas, and if you could not, then, rephrase them with other words.
Do not mention reasons in the first paragraph, instead try to focus on developing your position; give a general overview about the latest inventions, and how they affect our life in many aspects, and then mention your position. Keep the reasons for the essay's body.

In the conclusion, restate your reasons and position.
Finally, revise your conjunctions and punctuation book.

All the best,

abdo65619

Apr 29, 2018

Graduate / Describe why you are applying for XXX University [3]

Hello Ola,
Undoubtedly, the answer of this question will play a crucial role in the decision of the admission committee.
Your answer is so generic and it can be applied for many other universities that have the same program. You have to seek the strengths of X university from their website or the reviews in the internet. Also, you should narrow your focus for countable reasons, for applying. Avoid words like countless, many, .....etc; this will make you sounds unsure about your decision for applying.

Bear in mind that your reasons have to fit only with X university. And this can be done by:

1- Reading the why X university page in their website.

2- Doing some research about the faculties and their research interests. Find someone whoes interests match yours, download some of his/her published papers, and try to show the committee that you would love to work with him/her because his/her works are matching yours, and you find his work on specific thing is interesting......etc.

3- Gathering some statistics, from the internet, about the alumni, their career prospects, starting salaries, and contribution to the development of their socities.

4- There are other reasons like faculty to student ratio, you may get it from the department website, and the course description.

Make a list, limited to a countable number of reasons, with the most important and available reasons, be confident, and you will nail it.

All the best,