Posts by kellywee1234

kellywee1234

May 4, 2020

Scholarship / Product, a condominium, or a sports car? a short essay on something of personal importance to you [2]

Hi I am applying for a scholarship and here's my essay. I do not have a good English background so pardon me if you spot any grammar or sentence structure mistakes (do let me know too)! This scholarship is extremely important to me so please do give me some advice if you can. The guideline is 150- 200 words. If my essay can be better elaborated using other topics, let me know too! Your help is greatly appreciated. :D

"What is the most important thing for you?".

A branded product, a condominium, or a sports car? These things might seem common among some opulent people, but may be unapproachable for some.

I was on an exchange programme in the Phillippines and we spent a beautiful afternoon at a village. The children's radiant smiles have brought happiness to everyone. The housewives gathered to make handicrafts for a living; while the men were building a ditch. The way of living remains traditional: woodfires are used and electricity is inaccessible. The village was hit by the tsunami a few years ago but the residents have started afresh by rebuilding their own houses. The villagers are contented with their lives - a seemingly undesirable life for most. A simple message from the villagers is to be thankful for what we have.

Frequently, I hear people complaining about their lives. I am too, guilty of that act. The privilege to have shoes on our feet, the accessibility to clean water, and shelter above our heads seem so unattainable for some people. I have realized, the most important thing is to appreciate what we have, and never take things for granted.

kellywee1234

May 8, 2020

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2 Individuals can do nothing to improve the environment [5]

My personal thought:
1) Instead of saying that the individuals can help through protests, demonstrations, petitions, they could simply help by changing their lifestyle which u mentioned in paragraph 2. BUt suggesting to protests etc might not be a good idea. You may say that they're environment advocates & helps spreading the message to friends and families etc(?)

2) As for the corporates, it is harder to reach them unless consumers decide to "ban" products that are not environmental friendly. Or could it be that the government impose laws that is directed at the corporations' ways of handling waste? Many corporations might not dispose waste properly and in a socially responsible way. However, consumers can change the way they purchase a product.

For example:
- Instead of choosing the cheapest product, they would choose products they are environmental friendly
- choosing a biodegradable packaging rather than those that are made of plastics

Hear are just some of my 2 cents, I may be wrong too. DO take it with a pinch of salt, all the best!

kellywee1234

May 8, 2020

Scholarship / AAS -District Program Coordinator role- solving a challenge and to implementing change or reform [4]

Paragraph 1: Fulfilled* , working hard/working with heart?

I think overall the essay is very well written as it shows that you are capable of leading and problem solving. Good job Tara!

kellywee1234

May 8, 2020

Scholarship / Working and studying time - Write a short essay on something of personal importance to you. [2]

Hi all, this scholarship essay is pretty short as I have a guideline of 150-200 words. Please feel free to give me your feedback / how I can better improve? Thanks a lot!

strong determination

Personally, I would say having strong determination is important to achieve our goals. Prior to my GCE O-Level period, my mum who is diagnosed with bipolar disorder have started acting abnormal.

It was a period of enormous stress for me as I have to deal with her illness while juggling academic work. She would often accuse us of wrongdoing; even though we did not do anything. She would create a scene almost every day and we will then have to deal with the consequences.

As things were getting out of control, I maximize my studying time and revise my work whenever possible. I also encouraged myself not to give up as the situation is only temporary, but a poor grade would not get me where I want. There were also days that I could not attend school as I had to take care of her. I would then contact my friends to catch up on school work and not to miss out any learning.

With the strong determination to succeed, I eventually scored 8 points for my O-Level and successfully enrolled into my preferred course. I have proved to myself that if there is a will, there is a way.

kellywee1234

Jun 13, 2020

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 - a huge number of young generation people in comparison to elderlies [4]

Good command of grammar and vocab. Though i think that the essay can be improved and be more convincing.

For example, in paragraph 2, i think you can be more focused on your point that young adults are beneficial to the sociery as for human resource. For example, you can point out that this increase the talent pool of the country and ensures prosperous development of a country. The first few sentences were fine.

"After that, the majority of people will have ..." I think for this sentence, you can explain more on the point you are trying to bring accross. So forexample --> tendency to devline their productivity will lead to a less productive workforce. I think it is important to add a sentence to further explain the point that you're trying to bring accross do readers are able to understand better.

"For example, the BBC news reported in ..." Same goes to this sentence, I think u can add on another explaination sentence - "This means that the country;s economy could suffer due to continuous effort to support the elderly."

These are just my 2 cents, do take it with a pinch of salt as I am also a learner. Overall, I would say the examples given are good, and good command of english as well. Keep up the efforts! :)

kellywee1234

Jun 13, 2020

Writing Feedback / Is buying new products a good thing? Why do people buy things do not really need? [4]

Hi, I am not a good judge of your essay but i have spotted some grammar errors that I thought I could probably help you to improve. Please do not feel embarassed for it but i hope you can work on your grammar and sentence structures! Many years ago I have always failed my essays, and I focus too much on the content. However, I was later told by a teacher that it is never the content that matters. Though it plays a part, but it mainly depends on your use of grammar, vocabulary and sentence structures. You can try to read more news articles and attempt grammar practices. Hope these tips help!!

... without any reason ~~he brought~~ one buys a ~~unnecessarily~~ unnecessary ...

Because at the time of shopping, First...

--> Whenever we shop, we tend to look for the latest products in the market and most of the times, it is not something we need. This is not a grammar mistake, but perhaps a sentence strucutre error. Never start a sentence with "because/ because of".

kellywee1234

Jun 13, 2020

Writing Feedback / Should we support the consumption and production of GM food? [2]

Genetically-modified food s(GM foods) have been harshly criticised by many food activists. On the other hand, many advocates have supported the production and consumption of GM foods.

Which view do you agree with?

The Genetically-modified food (GM food) is one of the highly commended productions in the world. That is, until people are dying and suffering from lethal effects brought by the food. Consuming GM food puts everyone's lives at dangers, as it may bring harmful damages to one's health. GM food is associated with many plausible health risks and its production is not substantially increasing the supply of food. Though advocates state that GM food can alleviate some environmental problems, but that should not outweigh its cons. There is absolutely no reason to continue the production of GM food and promote its consumption.

First of all, the health risks associated with GM food is alarming. It was proven by several animal studies that infertility, immune dysregulation, accelerated aging, dysregulation of genes associated with cholesterol synthesis and protein formation, and changes in the liver, kidney, spleen and gastrointestinal system are some health risks related to the consumption of GM food. It was also shown that there is linkage between GM food and harmful health consequences. This puts consumers' lives at risk whenever one consumes GM food. Furthermore, although GM food is classified as safe for consumption, but that was solely due to the idea of "partial equivalence", which states that if one is found to be substantially equivalent in composition and nutritional characteristics to an existing food, it is deemed to be safe. This suggests that GM food may not absolutely be safe for consumption. Thus, the exposure to health risks and safety concerns make GM food a skeptical produce.

Secondly, it was identified that the production of GM food does not increase the food supply. Proponents of GM food have been advocating this advantage brought by GM food. However, there seems to be a turning point to this. According to a report by the Union of Concerned Scientists, the several thousand field trials over the last 20 years for genes aimed at increasing operational or intrinsic yield (of crops), none of those have resulted in increased yield in commercialized major food, with the exception of GM corn; however it was stated that the increase is mainly due to "traditional breeding improvements". For this reason, there seems to be no ground to support the production of GM food.

On the other hand, GM food is believed to be able to alleviate problems such as water shortages, salination of existing water supplies and insect damages. For example, the larva-resistant corn can remove the application of chemical pesticides. This prevents the run-off of agricultural wastes from enormous application of pesticides and fertilizers, which may cause environmental damages. Hence, GM food helps to enlighten these issues.

Clearly, no one should consume GM food under any circumstances and put their lives at risk. Though GM food is environmentally friendly, that should not downplay the novel health risks that it poses. GM food is absolutely not the only solution to these problems. As long as GM food is consumed, humans are exposed to the risk of getting undesired health effects, and that is absolutely not acceptable nor condemnable. As such, GM food should be banned to protect consumers and this would also prevent naive individuals who are unaware of the dangers associated with GM food and consume unknowingly.

kellywee1234

Jun 20, 2020

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Some people believe that all wild animals should be protected [3]

I would like to first start off by correcting your grammars & sentence structures.
While some argues that ... be held for all ...
... due to its ~~necessary~~ scarcity and the limitation ...

Each living life is deserve[R]s to live ... However, ~~because of~~ due to ..., the natural habitats are ...

~~Also,~~ The connection ... to protect ~~all of~~ them in order to ...

However, I inclined that this notion ...

Mosquitos are responsible for ~~the~~ most ... Dengue fever~~, another~~ which is a ...

... species ~~should be urgently protected~~ requires immediate protection/attention.

... wildlife ~~animal king~~ due to the catastrophic environment consequences resulted from daily activities.

IT IS EASY TO READ PLENTY ...
--> This sentence does not actually make sense to me. When you try to squeeze too much contents in one sentence, the meaning you are trying to bring across become bleak. You may change the sentence to:

1) "It is common to read plenty of news about the deaths of blue whales, or news such as only 30 African Native Rhinos are left in the world." This way, the message you are trying to bring across is clearer --> that it is common to find such news. OR

2) "... deaths of wildlife and endangered species due to the disastrous environment pollution." --> trying to bring across that these news have become common due to the environment pollution.[/R][/R]

These animals are ~~the~~ of paramount ... suffer ~~the~~ negative impacts ... --> though I am unsure of the whether the content is right, I will not comment on it. But it may be better for you to be clearer in this. You may want to explain why would the death of these animals lead to the die-out?

... research could be ~~insufficient~~ inefficient? ~~in the~~ due to the invaluable genes ...

ANOTHER CAUSE IS THAT ... THEREFORE, IT COULD PUT ...

--> I do not deny your context, but these 2 sentences do not seem to fit in the paragraph. First, you are talking about endangered species should be urgently protected. You should focus on this point and do not divert from your main point of this paragraph. Thus, you should elaborate on why these animals should be protected? and not "why they are not protected".

... if humans ~~might be~~ are capable of ... due to its equal rights and values, ~~however~~, I strongly believe that ~~the~~ only a few ... to be protected ~~necessarily~~.

--> To be frank, your conclusion does not make sense when I try to read at it at the first glance. I had to read multiple times in order to get your message. P/S: "although" does not go with "however"

My opinion is that you are trying to squeeze in many superflours linking words. Paragraph 2 will be a very good example. "However, Also, However". Do not get my idea wrong. I am not saying that it is wrong to use linking words, but you should ensure that the linking words fit in and are not too repetitive. You have to make sure that readers find the essay "smooth" when they are reading.

Another issue I notice from your essay is that your sentences are abit too "choppy". This means that sometimes you divert away from your idea and your following sentence does not support what you previously said. For example: "MOREOVER, BIOLOGICAL AND ... ANOTHER CAUSE IS THAT HUMAN ... "

These two sentences are totally unrelated and i hope you can understand what I mean by that. When I read through your essay, I hope to see a flow - this brings to another, or a point is elaborated and explained further. and not just "suddenly" bring up another sentence which is unrelevant to what you're trying to bring across.

Some tips that I have for you
- Improve on your sentence structures to ensure that your message is bring acrossed clearly.
- Improve on your grammar
- Plan ahead before you start writing. this helps to ensure that your point is clear.

I hope you won't feel offended / disappointed / discouraged by my comment. I am also someone who have suffered from poor essay writing and my basic skills were extremely bad. I hope my comments can help you to identify your mistakes and you can continue to work on them. Remember, you are the only one who can make it works !! All the best to you :))

kellywee1234

Jun 20, 2020

Writing Feedback / The charts below show the proportion of people's total spending in a particular European country [3]

Message is clear and simple. Very well written.

kellywee1234

Jun 20, 2020

Writing Feedback / Argumentative Essay - Is it fair to control time of teenagers using internet or playing games? [3]

the endless hole

Do you think parents will allow teenagers to play online games or surf on the internet if they knew the endless hole they are entering into? The use of internet and online games are ubiquitous in our daily life, and has evidently ameliorated the way of living. However, it may not be the case for some teenagers who lack self-control and got themselves lost in the internet world. The internet, if employed appropriately, may be beneficial for the teenagers' learning. It plays a salient role in many teenagers' lives, but it may also inadvertently affect their time management skills and the ability to socialize. Thus, it is absolutely fair to control time of teenagers using internet or playing games.

First of all, when a teenager has succumbed to the intriguing internet world, they may suffer from poor time management. When one is extremely focused on something, they lose track of the time. It is difficult to picture such scenario, but it is often true in most cases. For instance, a supposedly 1 hour play time may increase to 2 hours, and the addition continues. This is prevalent among students who overlook their commitments and fail to complete their work. In some cases, teenagers may also suffer from the lack of sleep due to their strong desire for online games. Such addiction is absolutely erroneous and should be condemned, as it deprives the teenagers of their responsibilities and brings disastrous impact on their life.

Secondly, the addiction may also affect the teenagers' ability to socialize. When teenagers get overly dependent on their devices, it may cause them to become less comfortable around others. For example, teenagers may opt to use devices in gatherings, as they find themselves more comfortable in the internet world instead of socializing. Additionally, they want to clinch a higher rank in the game and compete with their friends. As such, they want to maximize their free time in the games and often think that gatherings are superfluous. This mindset has caused many teenagers to suffer in the long run, as they no longer feel interested to communicate and lose the tendency to socialize. Hence, socializing skills among teenagers have exacerbated with the addiction.

Conversely, the internet may be advantageous to teenagers who employ it rightly. The internet provides a myriad of knowledge and these are often beneficial for students. Whenever students are dubious, they may search for the answers online. There are also free online courses that students may take according to their interests. If a teenager would like to learn how to play a guitar, there are a plethora of tutorial videos that one may learn from. These are extremely helpful for aspiring teenagers to pursue their interests for free. Furthermore, online games can also help to relieve students' stressful academic life. In such cases, the internet is a good place for learning and brings great beneficial effects to one's life.

Clearly, teenagers should be monitored in their usage of internet and playing games to prevent addiction. As such, no one would suffer poor time management, egregious socializing skills, and will benefit from the appropriate internet usage. Teenagers should be more self-conscious and do not abuse the freedom given to them. Parents also play an utterly vital role in guiding the teenagers and they should encourage the positive usage of internet while setting a time limitation. As this happens, teenagers will be able to access the internet for the right purposes and put the internet to good use. Internet can be a double-edged sword, and it all depends on how the user employs this advancement.