Undergraduate / Uchicago Supplemental Essay: Why Chicago? Portion in need of a honest appraisal. [9]

You are right.The credit given for creative risk might not outweigh the disdain for an inability to follow basic instructions. The conditions for transfer admissions are the same as for first-years in that the "Why Chicago" question is limited to two paragraphs. The supplemental essay questions are the only difference for transfers. I might consider either going with the original or using a revised version of this for the supplemental(uncommon) portion, or maybe just starting from scratch again, or maybe just pressing the send button and drinking the night away! Ok, maybe not that last option but I'll definitely give it some more thought.

This was actually a 500-word, two paragraph response in original format but I've since tried to see what might result through a poetic/rhyming template. The normal response was just too serious, even for me. And It's not really a poem under any standard definition since the rhyming schemes are off and the majority of it still reads like an essay. Thank you for the insight!

Undergraduate / Why UChicago: Hogwarts in the Muggle world [4]

Angelica,

Your writing displays what seems to be a natural penchant for creativity, even when addressing the normally mundane question of why one would like to attend a particular college. Great job and all the best in your quest for admissions. By the way, I'm working on a transfer app to Chicago for next fall as well and was wondering if you might have some time to peruse it. I'm debating whether I should use an original version or a pseudo-poem version that I have up on this website. Would like some criticism if possible. Hopefully, you won't have to leave Hogwarts by doing so. Thanks!

Undergraduate / Think.Transform.Thrive. From University of Chicago-my desired place to study. [10]

Think. Transform. Thrive. "The University of Chicago was founded to challenge accepted ideas" said Theodore A. O'Neill, Dean of Admissions. As a person who approaches things-problems, tasks, and ideas- in illogical ways, I was drawn to this sentence.

{I think you could probably omit the first sentence. The University of Chicago probably expects you to be drawn to that, namely because it's coming from their admissions dean and printed on their brochure. Marketing really works, believe me...we live in a society that relies on it as if it were dogma. You could start the essay from the second sentence."I relish the opportunity to approach problems, tasks, and ideas in (abnormal,creative,unconventional....since illogical ways just tells me that you're most likely to end up with the wrong answer).

I was tempted to challenge the accepted ideas; though, more tempted to challenge the ideas of University of Chicago or perhaps challenged by its ideas.

{Accepted ideas (or conventional wisdom) has always been my arch enemy....}

This is it, the ideal place for my ideas to come to life.(This is the ideal place for me). With the University's focus on Socratic teaching, I will be more engaged in (to) think with others and share my thoughts (thinking with others and sharing your thoughts seems a bit repetitive, are they not the same thing?), rather than wonder (wander) off in my little world.(note: wandering off in ones own little world can actually be a good thing and may lead to success. One person comes to mind...hint: E=MC squared)....

This along with its core curriculum would provide me with (a) broad academic experiences I never had before. With the rigorous academic works of the university, not only will I be engaged in the life of the mind, but (I will be much:omit,) also better prepared for the future.

Overall, I think you understand what the University of Chicago is about. Be sure to show the reader you are a good fit for Chicago rather than just telling. Perhaps you might want to tell a story of when your propensity for "illogical" thinking came to be a source of inspiration or reward for you, and how the university could help you in harnessing this potential for future application. Hope this helps and best of luck!

Undergraduate / Why (or why not)? Perhaps the key question is "Why in between?" [22]

First, let me say this. Your topic is golden. Do not let anyone take this away from you. I'm a philosophy major who also has great admiration for maths and you've got a simmering idea here that is ripe for discussion and good reading.

After seeing your initial response for why you couldn't answer whether one plus one is equal to two, I was a bit let down to be honest, since I assumed this might be a creative essay involving departures from a base 10 number system but you've got something equally interesting, namely, the "why in between".

Correct me if I'm wrong here. From why? We are led to reason towards that which is true. From why not? We are led to reason towards the negation of why? That is, what makes a true statement false given that we assume the truth of the first statement. Yet, in many cases, we are not ABSOLUTELY sure if the answer to why? is true, and likewise, whether the answer to why not? is true. We only know that IF THE ANSWER TO WHY? IS INDEED TRUE, THEN IT'S NEGATION, THAT IS, THE ANSWER TO WHY NOT? SHOULD BE FALSE. VICE/VERSA.----This type of definitional anxiety is a perfect example of why we need to define validity which I think might help your essay out a lot. You can pick up an intro-to-logic textbook just about anywhere these days or just google "deductively valid argument" for a primer on what precisely makes an argument valid and take it from there.

Now, let's say the conclusion to our reasoning of why? is true, it is only true if the premises are taken to be true and makes the conclusion necessarily true. Otherwise the argument is invalid. Without going into all the craziness that is logical theory, I think your essay begins to make the case for necessity, causality, and the unknown. That perhaps because there is so much in this world that is uncertain, it is difficult to answer a question within a why / why not paradigm without ending up somewhere in the middle. Not to say that there isn't knowledge that is pretty much certain. Basic laws in physics are an example:

In a natural state, why do our bodies stay grounded on earth?
Gravity
Should our bodies not stay grounded on earth, Why would this be?
The absence of gravity.

I mean, there isn't really much in between there unless you depart or misinterpret the natural state condition. One could say Hey! I'm in hot air balloon, floating, and therefore not grounded on earth with gravity obviously still present and laugh his way out of the argument, but that would just be ridiculous and I would probably try to give the guy a bad day by shooting an arrow through his balloon. The sciences are really the disciplines in which you'll find causal relationships to be abundant and things that are true because there hasn't been anything discovered to prove them otherwise.

Yet I think when you're dealing with human action, which is what I'm assuming your essay is focused on, what is "in between" the answers to why? and why not? becomes more pronounced because human nature and nature are different. Aristotle in his Nichomachean Ethics described virtue as the mean between two extremes. For example, courage was the mean between fear and confidence, temperance the mean between pleasure and pain, and so on..I think your essay captures the human tendency to gravitate towards the extremes rather than the means. That this tendency manifests itself in our decisions and views about the world resulting in a certain weakness. This weakness comes in the form of not being able to make compromises, or even worse, compromising when we don't even realize it. It speaks to a human need for more clear and straight thinking and likewise, action that reflects such thinking.

The ending is nice, the possibility that maybe all that we know is merely an illusion. That there is no such thing as truth. I mean, one would have to first define what exactly truth and knowledge are before attempting to assert that they don't exist, but can one define something that doesn't exist in the first place? hahaha funny... And are we slaves to ideas? Or seekers of truth?

Again, you've got a great topic but you might want to organize your thoughts a bit more, especially when moving from the abstract to concrete examples.... Try thinking about what the core argument you are trying to make is. Creative writing is so much different than philosophical writing which demands a type of precision and rigor that I don't think the admissions committee for a college will expect you to have. That is, they shouldn't expect you to have.

Best of luck and hope this helps.

Undergraduate / Why (or why not)? Perhaps the key question is "Why in between?" [22]

Also, look over the philosophical definitions of rationalism and empiricism. It might give you a stepping stone from which to write a creative piece as I think currently, you are walking on air. Grammer and punctuation errors are legion as well but I'm not much of a grammarian.

Best of luck and hope this helps.

Undergraduate / Why (or why not)? Perhaps the key question is "Why in between?" [22]

Another way to look at this problem is that in the empirical sciences, causation probably emerges on a more frequent basis. Whereas in the more "human", or social sciences, a lot of what one might find instead, is correlation. The data is more convoluted because it is difficult, maybe impossible to find out what really motivates people. Are human beings, as market participants indeed rational? If so why? Why not? Why "in between"? One could say incentive structures are more clear in businesses but are they? This recession is a prime example of how they may not be quite so rational(CEO bonuses).What about in places like the government for example, where incentives are inherently skewed, and in homes across the country where most people (myself included) probably align their values and decision-making based on their own philosophies of life rather than what the market tells them would be rational. At times, humans are more self-interested than altruistic. At times, humans are more altruistic than self-interested. Just by thinking about it, without the hours of filtering through data, one could probably intuit that some sectors of the market are irrational, others are rational, and the vast number of people are in-between, we could call them quasi-rational. In the face of overwhelming inconsistencies inherent in decision-making, finding causation that is, finding the answer to why?/why not? questions is likened to chasing a chimera. One could say that technological systems can be devised to help make people tend towards rational decisions more often but in the end, humans are the ones controlling these systems, and humans are inherently irrational and prone to misgivings. Nothing and nobody is perfect.

Undergraduate / Why (or why not)? Perhaps the key question is "Why in between?" [22]

Yeah, the base 10 thing is pretty mundane, but it would be difficult to write a creative essay based on it though!

Regarding human beings as seekers of truth:

It could be all of the above really. We seek causal relationships to understand, improve upon, and relinquish (or escape in a way) ideas that have ran their course. All in the name of "searching for truth", creating new ideas that matter, have pragmatic value, or for creating ideas for the sake of creating ideas.... I think if left to our own devices, we have a penchant to think just for the sake of thinking. Because we realize that truth is beyond comprehension, we seek short term compromises through creating methods that help us in finding patterns or consistency lying among a vast universe of randomness. In a sense, we never get past the portion in life where we actually find truth, but are forever bounded within the process or hope of attaining it. In such a sense, time acts as a universal constraint. Another question one might ask is, Is truth, if it exists, bounded by language? And if so, are we slaves to language?

By the way, if you want to use any of the remarks used in the discussion here, you're free to do so. It's not like this is a roundtable meeting of professional intellectuals. It's a public forum for opinions and I'm just a lowly undergraduate minion trying to put some possible words to the ideas you might be trying to convey.... Help any?

Undergraduate / Why (or why not)? Perhaps the key question is "Why in between?" [22]

Your essay is pretty original and it was fun discussing it. Best of luck to you!

Undergraduate / Infinities of Chess, 150 word common application short answer. [10]

Infinities of Chess

Checkmate! (I would save this maybe for the end)

As a thinker, I have always enjoyed games (chess, checkers, puzzles, riddles, and math problems) that exercises the infinite possibilities of mind.
(I don't think you need to list all these, it just takes up too much space. Focus on chess.)

As a thinker, I've always enjoyed games with the potential to exercise the infinite possibilities of the mind.

Chess is among the bests, it not only challenges one's brain but also built sportsmanship and friendship.

{Yet, chess is among the best. Not only does it challenge the brain, but also builds sportsmanship and friendship.}

Perhaps it is a universe of its own, with pieces that create phenomenon, and has its own universals laws called the rules of game.

{I would look at this again, it's a bit repetitive. Perhaps it is a universe of its own and its own universal laws called the rules of the game are pretty much saying the same thing. What distinguishes chess from other games? Explain this universe a bit more... does it have a history? Is the board the universe you're talking about? Is this universe infinite? Because from an initial perspective, one might think it has boundaries as there are only so many spaces in which the pieces can move. How about the pieces themselves? They exist within this space yet each one has its own distinct character, each is limited in a different way, not all pieces are equal... Who made these rules? Where did Chess come from? Does it owe its existence to randomness or design? Is it constant or in a state of flux? How about the players who play within this unique universe? What does it say about them? Does Chess have a future?

It's also a war on the board but can be thought as art, science and sport. Every game played teaches a lesson.

{Chess is art, it is science and sport, yet, it is also in many ways a microcosm of war. Every time the game is played, a lesson can be learned.}

{The key to success lies not only in intelligence but also persistence. Each mistake made serves as a stepping stone towards future success.Chess is a game of mind and soul to many, but to me, it has a mind and soul of its own.}

Is it really like war as we know it in reality? How might war and chess differ? In what ways are they similar? And is war fun? Does war create harmony?

Just some suggestions. Chess is a popular topic for college essays but everyone has a different take on it. I think chess has a personal feel to it that many other games do not. Many different people play it and for different reasons. It is a great game, but it is not war.

I like it.

Undergraduate / Why (or why not)? Perhaps the key question is "Why in between?" [22]

Hi,

I have a suggestion and a question.

First, I think one reason the "why between/why not in between" distinction you're trying to articulate suffers is from a lack of the propositional calculus Take a look at this wikipedia article regarding questioning (en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Question#Questions_and_answers) first and then the one for propositional calc. This might give you some better groundwork from which to explain your ideas a bit more effectively.

Second, in your counter-argument, are you referring to something like Riemannian/Elliptical geometry and more generally, non-Euclidean geometry? It sounds like it.

That's all I really have for now. I can take a look at your other essays if you want, but can't say whether I'll find the necessary time to really pick them apart since I have some essays of my own to take care of, as well as a paper and finals next month.

Hope this helps!

Undergraduate / Think.Transform.Thrive. From University of Chicago-my desired place to study. [10]

Hi,

I looked over your essay and can see some of the changes you made based on our brief discussion a few days ago. I feel somewhat weird now, I didn't think you would quite literally use my suggestions word for word, but rather use them to develop your thoughts. In any case, the writing is a bit more clearer now and has improved, but more can be done, much more.

Based on your autobiographical prompt, it is clear you have some very unique experiences and ideas that I think many colleges would be delighted to know about. But college admissions as we know it today has morphed into something of a bloodsport. Without getting into all the details which I'm sure you are familiar with, the essay portion is the best template to separate yourself from all the other qualified applicants. The majority of them will be coming in with polished essays that have been read and re-read many times over by teachers, parents, peers, essay forums like this one, and sometimes even by professional editing companies. The last option makes me personally sick but that's another issue altogether. That said, I would strongly recommend you take your writing to a workshop at school or maybe ask your English teacher to make the necessary grammatical corrections for you before pressing the send button. It's their job and I assure you they are better than what you'll find on the Internet. College admissions is too important to be relying on an unknown source or an essay that hasn't been proof-read enough. And with Chicago being one of the colleges that places a unique emphasis on the essays, this becomes more of a necessity. You really should have trained eyes look this stuff over, even if it means missing the early action deadline. I think you'll be thankful in the end. Just my two cents. Hope this helps out and best of luck to you! I really hope you get in to your college of choice, because it just doesn't happen often enough these days.

{To answer your question from the previous thread, I'm currently enrolled at USC as of the moment}

All the best.

Undergraduate / Uchicago Supplemental Essay: Why Chicago? Portion in need of a honest appraisal. [9]

"Preaching to the choir", verbose, off-rhythm, childish marketing ploy combined with a feeble attempt at maturity.This is terrible and borders on intellectual fraud, I apologize....But a creative, original piece that implicitly reflects the good themes this writing presents can make for something different altogether...back to step 1.

Undergraduate / Interest in Math and Science - California Institute of Technology [8]

"I have something to tell you, Sam. I love you." I said, unhesitant{this seems a bit awkward, or without hesitation, or maybe some other word can work better}. By admitting my feelings, I promised him to be loyal, dedicated, and unconditionally compassionate.

{I pledge to him loyalty, dedication, and an unconditional compassion.}

Never did I regret feeling affection towards him{showing him my affection}, for he never gave me a reason. I still remember the first time I met him in school (we met at). Since then, he has been always there in my life. {We've never been separated since.}

Sam was not the most popular; in fact, he was hated by many. Perhaps this was so because no one understood him truly (no one truly understood him}, or {merely}because no one gave him a chance. I think it's because he's not suitable for everyone. It didn't matter to me anyway, and it didn't change how I felt about him. Actually, I never thought twice before trying to include him in every activity I do {imaginable}. I never thought before bringing him along with me to the most important events.{what?}

...

Overall, very nice. I've thrown in a couple words and suggestions here and there but you can really go into more detail about how Sam's work brought the two of you closer together. Cal Tech's math and curriculum is all geared towards practical application and I think the admissions committee might want to see more detail as such. And also, do you ever plan on doing anything for Sam other than showing him all this unrequited love? Future contributions perhaps? By the way, I love Sam too, {But Sam as in short for Samantha or something like that though....unfortunately she and I broke up a long time ago and is currently seeing some other guy. See, there was this really beautiful girl I met called Philosophy and the Humanities....ahh I won't get too much into it... I'm trying to win her back... wish me luck!} And best of luck to you on Cal Tech. If you get in, that is just plain awesome.

Undergraduate / Interest in Math and Science - California Institute of Technology [8]

When I was preparing for one of my Model United Nations conferences, I mentioned his perspective about political issues, although many have told me that politics isn't relevant to him. Whoever told me this was wrong, for my resolutions and documents were successful. Through him I felt strength and power while debating and negotiating. He was an incomparable influence.

In the eleventh grade, Sam helped me conduct research in school. Our chemistry teacher gave us four gases as potential causes of a series of diseases plaguing a family. To be honest, my group and I completely relied on him to prove which of the gases the cause was. In a math project, he helped us resolve practical problems. We got all the credit, yet there was Sam, neglected and overlooked with nothing to show for all his contributions. {How did you rely on him? What equations/systems of thought did he provide? And how did you use it?}

Undergraduate / Uchicago Supplemental Essay: Why Chicago? Portion in need of a honest appraisal. [9]

Kevin,

The crude response was actually from myself... I was getting bored and worried b/c nobody offered up any comments about the writing itself so I thought an off-the-wall remark might stir up a response....which it did surprisingly...in any case, sorry if it offended your taste for "good criticism", as I know it would have offended mine. Let's just call that guy, my evil alter-ego, the "other Jason" .... from Jorge Luis Borges' Labyrinths...

Thank you for the input. I'll take your sage advice and use this for "additional information" or as a creative writing sample,that is, if it evolves into something better down the road. Last night, I did a brief search on the net and listened to some sonnets (Shakespeare in particular). It has been a long time since I heard or even read poetry (ten years or so since I last read Sonnet XVIII) and I forgot how pleasurable it can be! I think I'll give it a shot here....The rhymes are pretty easy to come by (thanks to free rhyming dictionaries on the net) but the symbolism, irony, and metaphors are what make it really difficult....Which lines in particular do you think have potential for more work?

I've got a huge 5 page essay for the common application that is more like an autobiography that I'm slicing and dicing every day so I'll get that up on here when it's ready...Again, thank you for your comments.

Undergraduate / UC: How my father's mental illness cultivated my desire to be a psychologist [13]

With a personal story that embodies all that is truly good and necessary in education, who needs good writing skills and proof-reading? I think you're a couple revisions away from perfection. Best of luck to you, though honestly you won't need it. =)

Undergraduate / Uchicago Supplemental Essay: Why Chicago? Portion in need of a honest appraisal. [9]

Haha, yeah don't mind the "other" Jason, he's been through a lot.

I see....you are right about the rhyming. It makes the poem seem disingenuous and somewhat random....I've got to give this more time....and so the work continues... Geez, what is it about Uchicago applications and the propensity to get less and less sleep every night? I've seen this sequence of events before... blood-shot eyes, non-stop coffee, inability to distinguish dreams from reality, disrupted shower/sleep schedule, caring less and less about my current mundane classes, waking up to find my head stuck in a thinker's thesaurus, that odd-smelling drool created by the amalgamation of coffee, cigarettes, and Chinese food...Where's Kant when you need to come up with a twenty-seven syllable German word describing all this....let the games begin!!

Undergraduate / Tell us about when you tried something for which you had no talent. How'd it go? [5]

Generally, I like your essay. It reflects a type of maturity lacking on college campuses these days. Mustafa has a point. It is a bit verbose, and the reader is easily led to believe you are a student pursuing a discipline in which you are not naturally capable. While changing the topic is one possible solution, staying on topic may be a more convenient alternative. Your essay is hurting you because of a lack of focus....The "untalented experience" which you are attempting to describe should be "the ability to deal with failure", rather than a complete ignorance within the laboratory environment. When you constantly answer "I don't know", one might infer that you not only are struggling with the practical application, but the underlying theory of your work/studies as well. This might not bode well in the eyes of the admissions committee. Why would someone be so determined to pursue something he is not good at on all spectrums? It would be like me trying to go out for the football team or something...sorry....On the other hand, they could be understanding and see that this is a common occurrence when learning something for the first time, but either way, your message is ambiguous. How scientists and/or great intellectuals deal with failure, the way they use it to fuel themselves towards eventual success is a really good lesson that can only be taught through experience, so you are definitely on the right track to making a good impression. Also, you might want to think about how the drive amidst constant failure could actually be disastrous, take Georg Cantor and his attempts to prove the Continuum Hypothesis....not pretty.... and... what about when one comes so very very close to success, but fails nevertheless...failure can be so disheartening that one might have look to external as well as internal resources to press on...just some thoughts....Hope this helps and best of luck to you!

Undergraduate / U of Mich: ACADEMIC INTEREST economics and prebusiness admin [7]

Ha! I knew I'd find one!

Your plight is widespread and you have every right to be befuddled because I don't think anybody really knows what economics is and what to do with it for that matter! Not the professors, not the general faculty in college campuses around the country, not the researchers, not the students, no one! What is it? Math? Statistics? Social Science? Real science? Pseudo-science?It's the black sheep of the sciences and has proved to be a Pandora's box to businesses and society in more ways than one can list. I mean, if you really think about it, economics in the sciences is a lot like Scarlett Johansson in the music industry, you don't really know why or how she got there but any chance to see Scarlett more often is a good thing so we keep her around anyway.

I mean, to a certain extent it really depends on a particular university's philosophy toward business, the liberal arts, and economics as a discipline. Some think economics is too questionable and imperfect a science such that it deserves the least of institutional funding, some see it as a very useful subject that provides good foundations for practical applications in business, and some see it as an extension of mathematics and statistics. Truth is, nobody knows....

Does Michigan consider it's core education as something to be partially included with, completely excluded from, or an indispensable part of one's business education? Some colleges, USC for example, does not emphasize the liberal arts to their business students, meaning they don't have to take any classes other than what is part of the Marshall curriculum though they do stress double majors and require intro macro/micro classes for their business students (Scarlett example 1). Others like UC Berkeley fully integrate their business and liberal arts programs requiring their students to study in the college for two years(including a foreign language) before transferring into Haas at which time they will also be required to take a few economics courses(Scarlett ex. 2). UPenn allows for full cross-registration between Wharton and CAS and in true pragmatic spirit just said "the hell with it, We're Wharton" and calls their business degree an economics degree but in reality is nowhere close to what a real economics degree should be. And still others like UChicago, the mecca of econ, do not even offer business for undergraduates and has such a hard time defining economics themselves that they've just resorted to calling it the most powerful thing man has ever created, using it to analyze everything existing within the universe.

Long story short, econ is like the mystery of dark matter....the chances of ever discovering its' true origin or purpose are really slim to none, but it's fun to try...

It looks to me like Michigan follows the "partial" pattern which in my opinion is good, since sending students out in to business without any "real education" is something akin to sending troops to war without a flak helmet. Not good... Assuming you can only apply to one school at a time, are required to apply to LAS before applying to Ross, and cannot cross-register between the schools, I would take it one step at a time and focus on economics, since you are given a limited amount of space to define your interests. Defining economics, well...that ones up to you...good luck =)

Also, the college, econ professors, and your future econ peers will be appreciative to have a student whose passion for the subject is genuine, more so perhaps, than one who sees it as a somewhat whimsical and befitting means toward a business degree. That is of course, assuming they all know what this subject in fact, is, which I contend that they don't. Anyway, many of todays top employers seek and value liberal arts majors as much as, if not more than just run-of-the-mill business administration majors. It's a changing world...

This is my take on things, hope it helps to resolve your quandary....if not, looking at pictures of Scarlett always help me if that's any consolation.

Undergraduate / U of Mich: ACADEMIC INTEREST economics and prebusiness admin [7]

You definitely have a point Mitch. Or they could be like "the guy is applying to the college but talks too much about pre-business admin". Or "the guy intends on applying to both colleges, his essay is very thoughtful and merges passion for econ with a pre-professional mindset well". I guess we're back to step 1. =T

Undergraduate / "company's logo" - MIT Application Creativity Short Answer [6]

I really like it. You describe the conflict inherent in creative ventures well, very well. One thing, I think your introduction could use some clean-up, it's a bit muddled so I've included a possible route you can take....Best of luck to you. Admission in to MIT and the exultation that follows is in my mind the greatest thing one could possibly experience. I really hope you get in.

A company's logo always seemed to me as a spontaneously generated by-product of a company - something that is automatically created as a new business springs up. That misconception changed, however, when I had to make one myself. One of the projects for my desktop publishing class in sophomore year was to improve on the logo of an existing company by reworking it altogether so that viewers could learn about the company and its qualities easily.

This was fine, I thought, until I was assigned a well-known aircraft maker whose nondescript logo I had never seen before.

{I've always thought a logo to be something spontaneous, an unconditional by-product that succeeds a company's inception and is taken for granted. This misconception changed, however, after taking a desktop publishing class in my sophomore year. Our task was to reproduce the logo of an existing company such that it's qualities would be reflected to consumers more easily. Ironically, this was no easy task as we were assigned a well-known aircraft maker having a very nondescript logo, one I had never seen.}

Undergraduate / Essay Explaining My Drop In GPA [8]

Though I have only come to realize it in more recent years, it is my father who has played the biggest role in instilling in me the meaning and importance of good character.

{Through the years I've come to realize that it is my father who has played the greatest role in instilling within me the meaning and importance of good character.}

By taking part in and challenging myself with all that _____ has to offer, I know I will be on the right path to achieving success both personal and professional, while maintaining my belief in the importance of possessing honesty, integrity, compassion, and loyalty.{ok}

This is a good first draft. I can relate to your experiences (my dad had colon cancer when I was a youth as well, he fought it for a long time but succumbed to it eventually... and my grades took a much nastier plunge...illness within the family is no laughing matter) Anyhow, the beginning is nice, i offered a suggestion that may or may not work for what you are trying to do, but later on, when you are describing your academic difficulties, I feel there is a disconnect. Ok, so your grades took a dip and you chose to stay in school despite family complications, commendable. But sometimes taking W's or withdrawing from classes entirely is a smart move. That is why the option is there. And you might try describing how your father's lessons merged with your decision to finish the semester. "I am not defined by my Spring semester 2009", that's nice, but don't you think that maybe we, as humans should never be defined by any particular semester, or grade for that matter? Suppose some genius, math-savant took 24 units at MIT during the fall 2004 semester, all honors courses and aced all of them getting the highest grades the institute has every seen in its history....So what? That still shouldn't define him/her as a human being, and if it does, I think that is a problem. You may want to include somewhere in your piece, that the human condition is more important than any grade or GPA....and that what you learned from all this was the reality that there are things in life that can and should transcend the purely numerical judgments that are often made within the modern academic world, things like the lessons your father taught you. And regarding the lessons, how exactly does bullying+encouraging words=lesson on integrity? You may want to elaborate more here, and go a little more in to the succeeding lesson on devotion... The ending was a bit confusing to me as well, what's this whole deal with the Constitution and federal regulations? Seems a bit random and off topic...otherwise, I think you're off to a wonderful start.

I enjoyed reading your essay and wish you the best in your revisions.

Undergraduate / "company's logo" - MIT Application Creativity Short Answer [6]

"In a sort of" {you could omit this}

letters, lines(,) and shapes as ideas steadily poured out.

Nice! the writing is tighter. One comment, since your essay is more compact, you could delve a little more in to the end results. You show the reader a lot, but the prompt also asks you to "tell" as well. What did this entire experience say about the relationship between a company, it's logo, and it's market, or more broadly, about the nature of the entrepreneurial spirit and creativity in general? Are the two related? If so, how? One can obviously see that it's a difficult process with the possibility of great personal rewards, but there must be more to it since creativity is so much an exclusively human enterprise! And how might you incorporate all this within the context of a MIT education?

Undergraduate / Essay Explaining My Drop In GPA [8]

Oh I see, (about the federal money issue). Makes more sense now, but I still think it's a bit of a stretch in the context of the question. It may be appropriate if you were writing up an opinion expounding the growing disparity between education costs and household income, the actions particular colleges are taking to address the issue, and how those actions reflect institutional values. I suspect this is a very well endowed college you speak of. I mean, I guess there is a similarity between the pride one might feel by plowing through academics in the midst of familial issues and a particular colleges' refusal to accept federal assistance when dealing with inflation, but in this essay, you mention how frustrating it was to see your grades drop. How big was this drop? A 3.9-3.4 seems more like a recession than a prolonged depression in the "grade economy" you speak of. Did the contraction spread to all your academic subjects or just the math/science sectors? Will these sectors see a recovery? You say you were so distraught that you'd rather not even look at the grades,do you think it was the right decision? Did it give you a sense of pride in the end, and if so how? What are the short/long-term consequences of all this? How does honesty, loyalty, compassion, and integrity fit into all this? And how might you go about remedying a similar problem should it show up again in the future?

I don't think you should scrap the essay entirely, you just need to implement more fruitful connections among the topics you mention.

I like your essay, but it can say a lot more, and I think it needs to.

Undergraduate / Wisc Prompts - #1 Personal Experience, #2 Why Economics? [3]

Hi,

I like your essay and would like to offer up some suggestions regarding content as opposed to style/grammer, leaving that up to others who are savvier.

It's clear you definitely have an interest in economics and surprising how well read you are. Considering that you are not even in college yet, your defense for the legitimacy of the discipline is nice to hear since I like the subject too, though I'm far from being able to say anything credible about it. I can barely understand Keyenes' General Theory, Smith's Wealth of Nations is still a bit too archaic for my tastes and I couldn't tell you what Volcker did to fend off stagflation in the 70's, namely because it's only a Google search away and I don't have a brain that can hold inordinate amounts of info...why memorize something that you can just look up? And as if that isn't embarrassing enough, I still confuse competitive and comparative advantage all the time! In any case, a few suggestions. I would omit the friendly arguments and just focus on the themes YOU are thinking about. Focus on the substance of your end of the argument and present them in the most favorable light to the admissions committee, otherwise, you might risk coming off as a bit childish. You can do this by elaborating on one or two of the options you mentioned (Smith, Keynes, Volcker). Explain more deeply how they've influenced your worldview and decision to perhaps pursue further studies in economics. Maybe talk about the invisible hand, or animal spirits if you can. Or if not, you could go deeper into the phenomenon that is really tall and bald people wearing horn-rimmed glasses, holding ivy-league degrees and their penchant for fending off inflation and saving economies....I don't know...You started doing this in the end....

When I chose to major in Economics, I told myself that I want to involve in researches of the economy and I want to share what I learn in university with other people so that they can actually understand what the business section of the newspaper is reporting."

{Good, you state purpose}

"...upon studying the Principles of Microeconomics and the Principles of Macroeconomics, my skepticism vanished. Economics theories are so different compared to scientific theories".

{How so?}

"Everything is around me all these time, yet I have very limited knowledge about it."
{Nice, burgeoning curiosity about the world around you...and....}

but then you stopped....by going a little further into these topics all while staying within the context of your attempts to ameliorate traditional Malasian stereotypes/mindsets towards education, it may help a little.

Best of luck to you!