Undergraduate / College of the Arts and Sciences, Northwestern Supplementary: Why? [2]

I think you have a nice start, but can also do more. For one, admissions departments don't want to be told how great and reputable their program is - they want to know about you. Here are some things to consider:

-Why do you want to major in Cognitive Science? What experiences in your life lead you to this decision?

- What can you offer the school? What can you offer your peers in the Cognitive Science program?

- What do you see yourself doing in five years, after you graduate? How does that relate to your experience at Northwestern? How will Northwestern help you get there.

Remember to be specific. Good luck!

Undergraduate / Luck in Chemistry - University of Chicago optional supplement [4]

I never believed in luck, it didn't exist in my dictionary. If I faced disappointment, it was never because I was unlucky, and if I achieved top results in something, it was always my skills that did the job. Maybe I didn't believe in luck because every time I completed something successfully, my parents would always say, "you're a lucky man", or "luck saved you, my little boy."

Before I entered the world of IB in grade 11, I came across a quote, which became my motto not long after, from the movie The Little Black Book: "Luck is when preparation meets opportunity." Fascinated, I did some internet surfing based on the quote and discovered that the quote was originally from the philosopher Seneca.

First - clarify what is IB?
Before I entered the world of IB in grade 11, I came across a quote which became my motto not long after. The quote, "Luck is when preparation meets opportunity" is attributed to the philospher Seneca.

I still wasn'twas not convinced that luck existed, and so I put this doubtful concept to test. Chemistry was a tough subject for me in grade 11; there were so many aspects to learn and so little came up in the periodical tests.

Trusting luck, I prepared only a handful amount of coursework and set the test next day.

This is confusing because you say in the beginning that you never believed in luck. Now you say you're trusting luck?

The result was horrible: 60% and a C in my report. I was 'unlucky' (according to the quote), because my meager preparation didn'tdid not meet the opportunity to express the chemical knowledge. That moment was when I changed; something talked from nowhere and told my brain to do everything. For the mid-year exam, I prepared everything. It seemed like I memorized the textbook inside out, and I literally have . Because of my dedication, the exam wasn'twas not too hard after all: 85% and an A in my report. I was 'lucky': an opportunity was given to demonstrate my preparation. The valuable lesson I learntlearned from this is that, if you're prepared for anything, you're 90% on your way to getting lucky. Remember, according to my favorite quote, luck is when preparation meets opportunity.

If the University of Chicago will give me the opportunity to enrich my academic knowledge and pursue my social interests, and I will give the university my preparation built for the past 17 years in return.

I think what you want to say here is not that you will bring with you 17 years of preparation, but that you will commit to the necessary preparation for success at the school.

Good luck!

Undergraduate / NYU supplement- Why this program? [2]

Maybe one or some of these questions will help you...

How would you feel if you could not sing?

How has singing changed you?

How has singing changed your view of the world?

Why do you want to sing?

If you can tie your passion for singing to something tangible, the reader will be more able to comprehend your emotion here. I hope this helps. Good luck!

Undergraduate / "Grace, what do you want to be?" BROWN Essay: PLME essay (no word count limit) [6]

"Grace, what do you want to be?"
"A doctor, daddy. I wanna ( I used this to sound childish.. should I just use "want to"?) go to Africa and make them healthy." responded a 6 year old me.

I think you should cut this part out.

I have always dreamed to be a doctor, and even as a young girl, I knew that pristine white halls and a white lab coat embroidered with my name wasn'twas not what I wanted. What I pictured was a small hut, a humble place where anyone and everyone can come to receive treatment-not only for the physical body, but for their lifeThis is awkward. Would "overall wellness" or "total quality of life" be better? (sounds awkward, no?)-a place that people can genuinely call the "happiest place on earth" without a hint of doubt.The line that starts... "a place..." is not necessary because you already made your point.ThatThis dream [?] was all I looked forward to--everything I did was to go toget into medical school.to become a doctor who would be different from others- I wanted the change the world.

Take that last sentence out - it gives the wrong impression. It's not a bad idea to include it worded differently, more simply: "At the time, I did not understand the hard work and dedication required.

Keep this idea, but be more concise. The reviewers are not looking for the most creative wordsmith. They read hundreds of these essays. Writing simple and clear will help your essay stand out. It will help you cut down the length too!

Looking at the mountain of work and effort, my eyes and heart began to wander towards different career opportunities. When people asked me, "Grace, what do you want to be when you grow up?", my lips barely mumbled, "a doctor". I was appalled at the transformation within me-I had always been able to clearly answer with such strong determination, but now, it couldn't be helped, it was just too much work to handle.

This is the turning point. The event that confirmed your desire to study medicine. Again state it more simply... "In (date/year) or When I was (age) I had the opportunity to visit (name of hospital) in Southern Thailand.

Now, this place was an abandoned building hidden behind the overgrown unkempt trees. Shattered medicine bottles and rusty beds were cast aside in the hundreds of patient-rooms. I would later learn that this building that had once served hundreds of thousands of people now was the graveyard of two nurses-two American women who had been kidnapped by extremist rebels while helping several patients. They had been reported as missing and were forgotten until their bones and clothing were discovered in an abandoned storage unit? close? three years later. Their remnantsremains were brought back to the hospital (which hospital? One in the US or the one in Thailand?) where they had worked and given a small burial. As my team Your team? At the top of the paragraph, introduce why or who you were with so "team" makes sense. and I began to pull out the weeds that had grown on the two small mounds marked with haphazardly constructed crosses,You can save yourself some words by saying this more simply. I realized with despairA bit awkward. Does it make sense to say you were shocked or saddened? at how small their graves were. Anyone could have passed by the graves without ever realizing that they held the bodies of two of the most brave and passionate women in the world. But a few minutes later, I realized how foolish I was-it wasn't the recognition that they needed, their passion and love to serve others couldn'tcould not be measured by human standards-their work would be engraved in the hearts of the patients that they have served and that was enough.

Maybe start with "I learned that" To truly serve others, you didn'tdo not need that star report card, or THEthe enviable resume that would be envied by others . Those were meaningless if you didn'tdid not have passion to start. Before, I had believed that grades and the facts were what I needed to fulfill my dream and that a passion without substance was meaningless. But I had gotten it wrong. It was only when I had passion that I would be able to achieve everything else. Without the heart to serve, the determination to achieve a goal, it was the report cards strewn with A's and a glowing reputation that became worthless.It was then that I knew:During my time at the x Hospital I wanted to be the one who would rebuild this hospital and train the medical personnel to make sure that this place would be bustling with patients and doctors. It'sIt is a bit different from the hut in Africa that I had pictured as a six year old, but it would be a start. I vowed that day that this hospital would have the grandest re-opening as possible and that through this hospital, thousands of Thai citizens would be able to once again receive the medical care and a chance at true happiness as they share their stories with other patients and staff members and truly form an unforgettable family. It would be a place where anyone can come and receive a bit of peace to settle their minds and hearts so that they would be able to restart their lives with a whole new outlook on life, and the determination to bring a similar experience to others.

With this new dream, I threw away all the times of hopelessness and uncertainty awaymy uncertainty was gone . I wantedto build a career based on the United Nations was the "icing on the cake." (hmmm.. that's what I mean.. but I know I SHOULDN'T use this.. any suggestions?)

Starting below you want to change to present tense... "Rather than becoming a doctor who specializes in one area of medicine, I want to train and teach doctors as well as...

Rather than becoming a doctor who specialized in one area of medicine, I wanted to become someone who can train and teach doctors as well as inform the international community of this healthcare crisis. Every conference I go to, delegates use so many tragic statistics in their speech without understanding the reality, the "heaviness" of them. Multitudes of organizations around the world stay unused because of the piles of documentation that they have to go through. I want to be able to have the knowledge in both worlds of medicine and international relations/politics and bring the two together. If this can work, I believe that not only the hospital in Thailand that I've seen would be revitalized, but countless medical centers can be opened around the world. Burning with passion for this new dream of mine, I began to look at different ways that would help me take my first steps to achieving it. But despite much research, I was dismayed to learn that so few universities were willing to help students bring the two majors together. When I explained my dream to others, many shook their heads and told me to settle for one of the other. "It's hard enough with one of those majors and you want to do two? Stop being greedy and just pick one. What do you think you are, Superwoman?" (I think that this whole section can be reduced, but I wasn't sure how.)But it was in the middle of this roadblock that I came upon Brown's Program in Liberal Medical Education.

ItsBrown's unique program in Liberal Medical Education will allow me to focus my studies on medicine and international policy through opportunities like the Foreign Studies Fellowship Program.unique offer to assist students who were willing to do the work and explore a different field in addition to medical school was perfect for what I wanted to do. Something clicked in my heart and I knew that PLME's 8 year medical program and its various programs such as the Foreign Studies Fellowship Program that offers students experience a fusion of international studies and medicine abroad. As a student, I know that I can benefit from experienced and friendly counseling as well as flexible scheduling so that I can truly learn what I want. Offering a unique education that cannot be compared to that of any other university-a completely open curriculum without general education requirements-Brown has been a school that has captured my heart. I believe that my dream that seemed so different and challenging to others can be fully achieved through the likewise (similarly??) unique and challenging Brown University.

Someone once said that "Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away." I believe that with the PLME program at Brown I would be able to achieve this perfection as I give every part of myself into this passion to serve those around the world needing critical medical care. I want to give until I have nothing left, and even if my burial would be as simple as those of the two nurses, I know that my work will stay with the hearts of whom I have served. I might not have much else, but one sure thing that I do have is passion and determination, and I know that these will help me achieve the perfection necessary with the continued assistance from Brown University.

This is good. You can cut down on the length by avoiding too much language - students have a tendency to want to impress by overly descriptive writing. The real gem is your story - you had a dream, felt discouraged, had a real life experience that changed you and now your pursuing your dream because of that experience. This is exactly what schools are looking for. It seems that your trip to Thailand was a service trip. If so you should mention that because it will tie in nicely with your larger theme of service. Good luck!

Undergraduate / Coming to the USA was a cultural shock to me. Everything were totally different [3]

I think you have a great story to tell, but you need to develop it much more. Here is some basic editorial advice. At the end, I will say more about the development of your story.

Coming to the USA was a cultural shock to me.

Give more information here. Where did you move from? How old were you when you moved? Why did you move?

Everything from the food, the school system, the life style were totally different to me. I did not find it hard for me to adapt myself to the American culture.

Give a specific example of the difference to make this statement less broad. Then use that same example to explain how you adapted.

butO n the other hand, I did not let my new adaptationsituation change me totallycompletely . because I also shared my different and unique culture with the people that I came in contact with. During the time that I spent in the ESL program, I met many students with different background.

You want to reference the ESL classes at the beginning somewhere. The introduction at this point is a bit awkward. Maybe you can talk about the change in school and taking classes in English above.

My ESL class was composedcomprised of all Hispanic students withfrom different countrycountries of origin. However I found out that most of them did not know about each other'sothers culture. I also met people that came from countries that I was not aware of. Sometimes I felt like was in some type of worldwide event because I was surrounded by smart, bilingual, multiracial people that I think that I would have never met if I had not came to the USA. I see myself as beingam flexible but not breakable because I was able to adapt myself to a new culture by learning from theirsit and by also transmittingsharing my own.

When you talk about the different countries of origin above, list a few examples. FOR EXAMPLE: "My ESL class was comprised of Hispanic students from different countries like Chile, Ecuador, the Dominican Republic, Mexico, and Puerto Rico. Some of my classmates were from countries I was not aware of like Belarus and Ghana."

Atlanta33,

The major thing that is lacking from your story is the details of what you learned and how your experience changed you. You should give more details and be more personal. This will help you stand out to the selections committee. Here are some questions to think about as you revise your essay. I already listed some within the edits above.

1. Where did you move from?
2. How old were you when you moved? Who moved with you?
3. Why did you move?
4. When you mention the differences you saw: food, school system, life style, you should highlight one. I think talking about school makes the most sense to your overall essay. So... What were the major differences between school in the US and your home country? How did you FEEL when you first went to school (scared, intimidated, excited, nervous)?

5. What was the major challenge that you faced in school? Was it the language change? Was the cultural acclimation?
6. It seems that your ESL classmates were important to you. How did you start to learn and support each other? Be specific - give a story or example of a moment when you felt comfortable or acclimated to your new environment.

7. How will your experiences help you in college? What can you bring to college from this experience? What will you be able to teach your college classmates? I think you hit on these questions when you talk about flexibility so use that to guide further development of the conclusion.

Good luck!

Undergraduate / Need ideas about essay "Why this college." [8]

You should post what you've started writing, this will help the reviewers offer you more guided advice.

- Look at your college's mission and vision statement and see if you can find something that ties to an experience of your own. For example, if the school promote community service as a core value in its mission than you should talk about your experiences with community service.

- If you are applying to a specific program, what is that program's mission and vision? Again, tie something from your experience to those ideas.

- What's a unique asset about the college to which you are applying and how is it relevant to you and your story?

- What will be able to offer the school and your classmates that ties into either the mission and vision or unique asset of the school?

I hope these questions help you get started.

Undergraduate / Tufts Beyond Tolerance. required essay. [4]

I'm not sure what the word limit is for your essay. It's a great concept, but it lacks a tangible story and thus sounds like rhetoric only.

When you say "Only recently have I come to understand what they meant", I was expecting a story about how you learned it. I think you should rework this, make it more personal and less rhetorical because you're a good writer. The admissions committees want to know more about you and your experiences.

Undergraduate / Statement of Purpose for Photography University -- Review needed [3]

I think the best way to cut your essay is to eliminate the first paragraph. It's too wordy and essentially unnecessary as your essay makes great points and is well written.

Undergraduate / faced dyslexia, human psyche - University application essay [3]

Arjun

As a kid, I faced dyslexia. I could not pronounce words properly or tell "b" from "d". I realisedrealized my brain was working differently. I was different.

While attending special classes, I felt devastated: every kid wishesI wanted to be normal and to not be treated differently.

I think you need a different adjective than devastated. It does not really fit here. Embarrassed? Ashamed?

Determined to beat dyslexia, I worked hard. Insert something that describes how hard you had to work or specifically what you did. You should have space if you cut what I suggested. Soon I withdrew from the special needs class. Since then I knew that without determination nothing could be achieved. When I look back at dyslexia, I think of it as a blessing in disguise.

Describe the reasons you have chosen to enter the major that you selected previously in this application (500 characters WITH spacing).

An enthusiastic theatretheater student, I thought of becoming an actor. However, at a Drama Therapy workshop I learned that certain drama techniques can beare used to understand people better. My introduction to human psyche has begunbegan . Having great passion for Literature, I analyze situations from various angles. One's ability to empathize with another is a pivotal skill for psychoanalytic problem solving. Coupled with my exposure to theatretheater , I concluded that Psychology would be an ideal major for me.

This last essay is a little weak. You're saying that you want to be a Psychology major because you think you're good at empathizing with others. I think it might be a better approach to also tie in something about how you plan to use your degree - do you want to help people for example?