Undergraduate / "As a child, I was basically perfect." - Describe the world you come from [8]


Remove all but the last comma.


Remove comma.


Remove commas.


Comma needed to end quotation: "...never gave me any trouble," my mother loves...


Remove comma


awkward phrasing. Maybe: ...ask yourself, am I the person I want to be?

or

ask yourself if you are the person you want to be. (no question mark for this option).


keep the comma before "but," but remove the others. Add "I" after "but." Commas should be used to separate clauses within a sentence ("At the beginning of high school I thought I was progressing" is essentially one clause in this sentence. You could make it a sentence of its own and keep the comma: "At the beginning of high school, I thought I was progressing. But I realized..."). Right now, your commas appear far too frequently and make your sentences seem more complex than they really are.

Sorry I can;t comment in more detail; I have some work of my own I'm putting off right now, but hopefully this gives you a good place to start. See if you can find some other commas to remove later in the paper (there are several that need to come out). In general, however, this is solid work with clear ideas and a nice arc.

Essays / Should gay people be allowed to adopt children [6]

I disagree with you there, Susan. A good argumentative paper always includes the other side's arguments, even--especially, actually--if you don't think they are valid. A strong thesis statement supporting your viewpoint is of course necessary, but so is including the other side's point of view--and why you think they're wrong.

For instance, one of the positives of allowing gay couples to adopt is the fact that there would be more adoptive parents in a world with too many children needing adoption. You could prove this point until you were blue in the face and still not have an argumentative paper, however, and it would do nothing to convince those who don't already agree with you.

Instead, you need to show the positives (like the one mentioned above) AND demonstrate that the negatives are either a)outweighed by the positives, or b)complete non-issues. The most common (and most rational-sounding) objection I've heard to gays adopting is that children need role models of both genders in order to develop properly. Do some research into this area, and find out if there's any scientific basis to it. If there is, you will need to explain why the benefits of letting gay people adopt outweigh this detriment. If there is NOT any scientific evidence to back up this claim, you will need to explain the lack of evidence, and the scientific findings that show it is not an issue.

Finding reasons not to let gays adopt is easy--just google a few search terms like "gay adoption" and you are sure to find many arguments. They might not seem reasonable to you, but your job in this type of paper is to show WHY these arguments are unreasonable, not simply to ignore them.

Book Reports / Comparative Essay - "A good man is hard to find", and "the faery handbag" [3]

I like Kevin's method of doing things, but when I find myself particularly stuck at the beginning of an essay I actually take an opposite approach, and try to figure out more accurately what I want to say before I begin the real essay writing.

An outline might be very useful to you here, especially since you know your body is going to need three main sections (maybe three paragraphs, maybe more, but definitely three sections): plot, theme, and characterization. Start by asking yourself questions: how are the plots of these two stories similar and different? What about the themes? Characterization? Jot your ideas down for each section separately (don't try to tackle them all at once). An outline of your body paragraphs should emerge from this, and your writer's block should be gone!

If you're still struggling to come up with an introduction after you know what you want to say, then I would definitely start writing the body of the essay first and see where it leads you. Expect to do some editing, though--a clear introduction (and conclusion) is the result of a finely honed point to the essay; once you find this point in writing your body paragraphs you will need to pare them down to keep focus.

Essays / Develop a thesis statement for KING LEAR: hidden loyalty/ blindness and sight / argument [9]

Being fairly familiar with King Lear, I think I understand your TA's objection (though I agree with Kevin that the point should have been made clearer). Your thesis essentially states what happens in the play, without noting the drastic differences that exist in the parental relationships between Lear and Cordelia and Gloucester and Edgar. Lear's sin against his daughter comes from his own pride, whereas Gloucester's comes from foolishness--he allows himself to be tricked by his other son, Edmond.

How do the differences in their sins affect their relationships with their children? With themselves? With each other? It is true that they both eventually find salvation and love of sorts, but in very different ways--what about their circumstances cause these differences? Your thesis outlines their similarities very well, but these characters are not presented side by side in the play because they are the same, but rather because they are very different when closely examined. This is where your thesis should explore.

Poetry / "Harsh Moments" - A Poem For School... [6]

Poetry is often cathartic (a way for the poet to release emotion), but most good poetry is not purely autobiographical. Rather than listing various events and emotional responses, try to find a single "in" to the poem; a "conceit" that you can play out throughout the piece.

One idea that springs to mind are the objects you first list. Maybe something like:

I cannot see a coat hanger without hearing
my friends joke about the screams they heard
from around the block, or hear
the crack of leather
without a thought of home

Just to get you started...

Poetry / Poem about Nothing.... [10]


Not quite...not at all, actually.

No one can really define a poem. In a collection of poetry, for instance (or maybe it was a magazine, originally; I've only seen it in anthologies), Charles Bernstein once had a page that contained only a single line:

This poem intentionally left blank.

Now, I find this hysterically funny and incredibly intellectually stimulating, but I refuse to think of it as a poem. Here, I am at odds with many critics. A poem can be, then, whatever you want it to be. But that doesn't make it a good poem.

Line breaks are essential, but there are no rules for poetry anymore. Wherever you feel a line should stop, you can stop it; there should be an intended effect on the reader for each line break (it isn't arbitrary), but there's no formula for it.

The same is true of rhyme and meter (the pattern of stressed an unstressed syllables in a line). In modern poetry, rhyme and meter are generally thrown out the window. It's not about being "enthusiastic" or not, but rather about what kind of poem you want to write. I personally write poetry with strict rhyme and meter (Robert Frost said that writing a poem without rhyme and meter is like playing tennis without a net--it's a good analogy, I think), but you should let your intention with each poem help inform the style/structure.

The most essential thing to remember, in my opinion, is this: poetry is not just about letting your emotions out. If you want to write poems as a way of venting your anger/frustration/sadness, that's fine; write them in your journal, and maybe share them with a friend or loved one if you want. But do not expect them to be poems of real literary worth--they are of personal value, surely, but that doesn't make them of value to others. True poetry, to paraphrase Wordsworth (I'm full of quotes today), is the result of extreme emotion recalled in a period of tranquility. Poetry has an emotional source, certainly, but it is organized, edited, and shaped. There must be an intellect guiding the emotion, that is, not a simple outpouring of angst.

Poetry / Am I getting the metrics?? [24]


This is true, of course, but it doesn't really answer the question. None of the poems Jeannie posted are metrical, and neither is yours. All speech and text necessarily has meter, but metrical poems have specified and regular meters (with iambic being the most common metrical foot in English for somewhat complex linguistic reasons).

Shakespeare wrote largely in iambic pentameter, but there are many other meters as well. Edgar Allan Poe's "The Raven" has a complex metrical structure consisting of iambs and dactyls in differing arrangements, but there is still a distinctly observable and carefully plotted layout of stresses. Metrical poems contain a metrical pattern; the poems in this thread do not.

Poetry / Sonnets: Love & Hate (Italian and English) [4]

I don't mean to sound overly negative, so please don't take this to harshly, but you really need to think about what you are trying to say more than about the rhyme scheme. The rhymes in these poems make the language forced, and there is no real flow or progression of though in either poem. Figure out what you want to say, THEN figure out how to make it rhyme--don;t let the rhyme dictate the content.

On a purely technical level, sonnets must have regular meter (iambic pentameter, to be exact). The only thing that resembles a sonnet in either of these poems are the rhyme schemes. Instead of thinking of rhyme as the most important feature, think of it as one of the finishing touches--your poems need a transition point (called a volta; in an Italian sonnet and many English sonnets this traditionally appears in the ninth line) and a solid thought or through-line. English sonnets you usually have three stages of development (one for each quatrain or four-line section) and a conclusion (the last couplet). The rhyme follows this structure, rather than dictating it.

Undergraduate / "Tutoring as an extracurricular activity"-UNIV OF ILLINOIS [4]


Nurtured is the wrong word to use here, or rephrase the whole sentence.


Explain would be better than elucidate, ad "remainder," not "reminder."


US spelling is "skeptical" ("sceptical" is still acceptable, but considered archaic)

Essay needs more cohesion in the second paragraph.

Undergraduate / "The university fund project" - Why are you considering The Ohio State University? [4]


"That" refers to something already said; "this" would be more appropriate here. Also, the clause following the colon needs to match the clause preceding it. "Starting my new life there" isn't a reason, it's an action. "I want to start my new life there," "a new life awaits me there," or even "a new life" are all better choices.

So it might read:
"This is the main reason that I choose Ohio State University: a new life awaits me there."

Writing Feedback / Literary Analysis on The Haunting of Hill House [4]


I wouldn't say this--ever. You have not (nor has anyone else) completely analyzed and researched every aspect of this novel.

You also tend to overuse commas (a comman problem).

Poetry / Am I getting the metrics?? [24]

Meter and rhyme do not always go together; there is no form that a poem must take. Any poem that has a regular metrical structure is a metric poem, whether or not it rhymes. It doesn't have to be in iambic pentameter, or iambic tetrameter (eight syllables) or iambic anything. "The Star" ("Twinkle, twinkle, little star") is a metric poem written in trochees--trochaic trimeter, to be exact-- with an extra stressed syllable at the end of each line.

There are many poetic forms that have strict standards of both meter and rhyme. A sonnet, for example, has fourteen lines of iambic pentameter with several varying rhyme schemes. A villanelle (google Dylan Thomas' "Do Not Go Gentle into that Good Night" for a great example) is also in iambic pentameter with a very different structure. Limericks ("There once was a man from Nantucket...") have a very complex metrical structure and a simple rhyme scheme.

The form that is best for your poetry is whatever is best for the content of the poem. Maybe it needs meter, maybe it needs rhyme; it might need both or neither. That's up to the poet. One thing that should NEVER happen, however, is allowing the rhyme and/or meter to take over the poem. Read what you have out loud, and ask yourself if you're truly happy with the meaning of each line and the poem as a whole, or if the rhymes are reaching for it to the point that the poem is stretched beyond recognition.

Many people think that writing poetry should be easy; they simply put their emotions on paper and call it done. A really good poem, whether or not it has rhyme or meter, takes editing and craftsmanship. I only write form poetry (several sonnets and some other pieces) because I find the boundaries give me useful things to play off of, but I have only had one poem professionally published and I worked on it off and on for years--and I'm still not happy with it, to be honest.

Writing Feedback / Multi-Language Clash Synthesis essay [6]


The clauses on either side of a semi-colon must be independent; "however Rodriguez didn't" could not be a sentence on its own, therefore a semi-colon is incorrect here. A comma, however, works:

"Tan knew English her whole life, however Rodriguez didn't."

Poetry / Am I getting the metrics?? [24]

This is not metrical. It would be very, very odd if a poem you churned out just happened to have regular meter--it requires conscious though and planning.

I can't explain meter to you very well over the forum; it's something that has to be heard to be understood.

Undergraduate / 'I can read / write / fight / look / talk' - UC tranfer essay prompt #2 overcame [7]


I think you mean "powerful" rather than impulsive. "Impulsive" means acting without thinking (not necessarily in a bad way); it doesn't make sense in context.

Undergraduate / my parents push me to work hard in school - Personal Statements [8]


This doesn't make sense--a person cannot alter themselves into a world (i.e. they cannot change into a world; they can change their world, or their perspective of their world, or the person that they are). I understand what you mean, but you should put this more clearly.

While listening to my parents, it made me become aware that I can't let myself down and live such a sorrowful life.


Eventually makes no sense here.

Poetry / Am I getting the metrics?? [24]

I followed the link to the senryu; it's not a form I'm familiar with. I don't tend to like haiku very much; the form doesn't really translate from the Japanese with same effect (I've ben told by japanese speaking friends). They can be fun to play with, however.

Writing a poem
is like running in a globe
It is never done.

Undergraduate / Do UC's discriminate based on what career i say i want to pursue in my essay? [2]

The number of people who change their majors and their career plans during college is huge--I don't know the exact figure, but if I remember right from a few years ago it was well over half of all students. Admissions officers know this. If you said your ambition was to become a couch potato, they might view that negatively, but I don't think they'll consider more legitimate career options too heavily, if at all.

That being said, if you're passionate about wanting to become either an FBI agent or a lawyer--or both--it would be an excellent topic to write about. You could even talk about your uncertainty, explaining what aspects of your personality draw you to these two separate careers. Telling them you want to be a lawyer will not improve your chances of getting in, however, nor would telling them you want to be a cop hurt you.

Writing Feedback / Multi-Language Clash Synthesis essay [6]

Your assessment of the rule in general is correct, I believe, but I don't think "However, Rodriguez didn't" stands as an independent clause/sentence. Rodriguez didn't what? There is no transitive verb (I know that's not always a determiner of an independent clause, but generally...), and no way of knowing what the sentence is about without context. "Rodriguez did not" might actually be more correct (it reminds me of a sentence one might read in a primer, but it might be correct), but the "however" makes an explicit reference to something outside the sentence (whereas the reference made by "did not" is implicit).

I've never had a lot of formal instruction in grammar--I pick up terms as I go along, so my explanation might not be perfect. If "however, Rodriguez didn't" is an independent clause, then the semi-colon is correct (and the comma incorrect), but I'm not convinced.

To complicate matters further (and solve the problem), we could make the second clause firmly independent by moving the however to a parenthetical: "Rodriguez, however, didn't." The sentence would then read "Tan knew English her whole life; Rodriguez, however, did not."