Undergraduate / UC Prompt 2: An ending that sparks a new beginning. [7]

Remember all parts of the essay have to be equally strong. Your conclusion doesn't have the impact.

Undergraduate / UC Prompt 1- "Great Life" [2]

Since the prompt mentioned "how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations", why not make some reference to your intended major? You sound as if you only live just to study. Your first two paragraphs are very well-written. Your aspirations are evident in the third paragraph but sad to say your last paragraph is unfocused.


... this education will be important in shaping my personality and expanding my ...

Undergraduate / UC Prompt 2- The Day that Changed it All! [4]

Very well written with sense of maturity. I enjoyed reading it very much.


You have missed out the subject of the above sentence. Keep a look out for such errors which can degrade a fine piece of writing.

Undergraduate / "only by working hard would one achieve one's dreams" [4]

Don't worry about our first draft being rough. It is always for many people.


It's a bit lazy to express your realization with just these words. At least come up with a story. Any volunteering or specific experiences that make you appreciate your affluence?

Besides the part where you focused too much on your mom, the essay is pretty decent. I don't really like the last sentence. How can you end off with a sentence that starts with... "Also,..." It gives me the impression that "Wait I still want to say some more" and yet you are ending here.

Undergraduate / "Choosing classes, the request", two different essays, not sure which one to use [4]

Please please don't talk about the courses that you took. There's no big deal in pre-cal/honors physics. Admission officers can see your academic rigour from your transcript. Use this chance to tell them about your character. You may defend by saying that this shows your determination. But there are definitely better things to talk about. To be frank, your essay bores me.

For the second essay, I can just substitute the word "cape" with any other words like "cake", "cookie", make some amendments to the procedure of the "manufacturing" and it becomes a universal template. The weakness for this essay is that there is hardly any personal voice. A three-day rushing experience is not really a big deal unless you elaborated on what you have learned. At least you keep me wondering on what "cape" means to you. Work from here and you can get better draft.

Undergraduate / UC Prompt 1: A Means of Struggle [5]

Sorry forgot to mention in my previos post.


This sentence is very awkward, given the place it appears.

Undergraduate / my stay in africa and my dad. [14]

Having read through both, I would say I like the first one more. =)

Undergraduate / 'Burning legs and Seaside Invitational' - UC Prompt #1: Cross Country [5]

sheikhdiesel, you are running a risk of being suspended. At least comment on the grammar or the style.

The essay will be nicer if there are more elaborations on aspirations and dreams.

Undergraduate / UC prompt #2 The bitter yet sweet taste of Prednisone [11]

Yes, if I were you, I would take that out since it's in the conclusion.


I realized that this was reality. Hmmm just a suggestion.

Undergraduate / "Sonata Allegro of Life" UC Prompt 1 [9]

Good structure and well-written! In the stage of recapitulation, you may talk about future goals unless this essay is used for admission to a course in music.


So what journey of yours is beginning? The reader will be curious to know. This is where you can shed some light about your aspirations.