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Posts by swuvvy
Joined: Dec 23, 2009
Last Post: Dec 26, 2009
Threads: 7
Posts: 19  
From: Canada

Displayed posts: 26
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swuvvy   
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / The store as a reflection of the world - Williams essay - looking through a window... [10]

Prompt:
Imagine looking through a window at any environment that is particularly significant to you. Reflect on the scene, paying close attention to the relation between what you are seeing and why it is meaningful to you. Please limit your statement to 300 words.

The window is dirty. It's little wonder, since we don't wash it often. Anyways, I peek in like I always do after school. I watch customers grab their necessities - chips, gum, socks, canned foods, ice cream, coke - anything, really. They line up, awkwardly shuffling past each other because of the beef jerky rack in the middle of the aisle. I've told my mother countless times that she should move it, but she insists on putting it there. "More people see it that way," she tells me. "They see, they buy." She is now ringing the money into the cash register. "Foh dollahs an' fifty-fife cents."

This was Crown Mart, the little convenience store my parents used to own. It was in the middle of downtown Toronto, so we get all kinds of people - white-collar workers purchasing cigarettes, gamblers returning for their tenth bingo card, tourists shopping for last-minute souvenirs, drunkards from the bar next door not buying anything. Barely tall enough to see past the counter, I used to wonder at the different people passing through the store: their attire, attitude, language. They even smell different.

Years later, I realized what I witnessed in the store was a reflection of the world: a world of widening wealth gaps, where consumerism takes center-stage while problems like poverty become increasingly pressing. I'll always think back to the little convenience store where I spent my childhood, to the people coming in and out: these global issues impact the lives of those around me. At Williams, I will expand my knowledge and interest in the interconnected political and social factors that influence our lives. I'm not sure where exactly this passion will take me, but I know it will lead me to understand and help someone in some way. And for me, that's enough.
swuvvy   
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / Any environment that is particularly significant to you my Willliams supplement! [17]

thanks for editing my essay :)
i also really like yours! It's very descriptive and really lets me in on what you're seeing and experiencing.

just some minor edits:

Everyday after their school [their school sounds a bit awkward]

A nine year old once stood up and shouted, "I am the Superman. So better obey my orders!". Another boy refuted, "I am Obama, more powerful than you and maybe even richer. Go back to your Krypton!". [...] Another then said in a pretentious manner, "If you don't know anything [...]

They share among each other the wierdest or ideas

They giggle, laugh, shout, wrestle and all the time , grow together.

They giggle, laugh, shout, wrestle and all the time, grow together. A friend of mine said that I have become crazier these days. --> maybe you can insert another sentence between these two that allows for a smoother transition. Something about how these kids rubbed off on you that made you more like them, and then have the sentence about your friend remarking on you becoming crazier.

I try so [...]
swuvvy   
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / Cornell's supplement--arts and sciences, doctor [12]

Hey Sadhvi

I really like your essay! it's direct and ties in nicely with the age bit at the beginning.

below are just some edits that might tighten the essay up a bit and allow for smoother transitions.

At age fifteen, I knew I was going to distinguish myself in the faces ofamong my peers through research in biochemistry, and my thirst for knowledge awakened at the Mississippi School for Mathematics and Science, as I discovered other areas of study that challenged my curious mindsparked my curiosity .

my goal for the first year will be to seek an answer upon what to study --> the "seek an answer upon" bit sounds a bit extraneous. Perhaps you can find another phrase for it that will make the sentence more straightforward.

It will allow me to study biology, chemistry, physics, literature, and math, as well as other subjects, while giving me the opportunity to continue research, and; this flexibility [...]

i also have a few essays that I need edits on. hopefully you can help me take a look as well :)

ps: I'm also applying to Cornell for arts&sci but I haven't written my essay yet. but best of luck to both of us!!
swuvvy   
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / Princeton Supplement - answer to quote on extraordinary things in everyday life [5]

comments and criticism are welcome! thanks in advance :)

Using a favorite quotation from an essay or book you have read in the last three years as a jumping off point, tell us about an event or experience that helped you define one of your values or changed how you approach the world. Please write the quotation at the beginning of your essay.

"Extraordinary things are always hiding in places people never think to look."
- Jodi Picoult, My Sister's Keeper

I think they all start with the end of a long Canadian winter. After almost six months of snow, slush, and icy roads, it was a way to rip off the scarves, hats, and gloves and celebrate the end of the winter season. It never fails to amaze me the number of yard sales that crop up in and around the city, with families lugging out decades-old books, tea sets, children's toys, outdated electronic devices, and sometimes even kitchen appliances, once the last snowfall of the year has ended and the last layer of ice melted. You never know what you will find.

My family, of course, joined in on the fun. In the spring and summer, we would go to these yard sales almost every week, sometimes scrounging for antique artifacts and other times simply curious about what our neighbours keep hidden inside their houses. It was also an opportunity for my parents to socialize and practice their English, despite the fact that the only practice they get is through bargaining. We weren't as keen to get good deals on ancient artifacts as we were to simply have fun. We never bought much - the occasional teacup and flowerpot sometimes wound up in the most unlikely crannies and nooks of our house - but this weekly ritual was a fresh experience for us as new immigrants.

Gradually, we stopped going to yard sales altogether. I guess it's because our English was fluent enough, the novelty had worn off, and relocation to a suburban area with fewer neighbours and larger walking distances made house-visits more difficult. Yet, this little tradition still holds a special place in my heart, and I always think back to those yard sale days with a smile. I now realized why I loved the philosophy behind yard sales even as a child - that someone's old, discarded object might still be wanted and cherished by someone else. Ultimately, everything has an inherent value, and that is how I see the world. Everything has something unique and special to it, something irreplaceable.

Because of this belief, I take time to appreciate the little things in my life. I tell myself to stop, take a look around, and drink in scenic sights. As I listen to the beautiful notes on a saxophone from a busker in the subway station, I slow my steps and lose myself in the moment. I revel in the innocence of a baby's smile, the scent of grass and dew in the morning, the laughter of my family and friends.

Because life is about the little things. Yard sales are just another one of those that bring people together to socialize and celebrate the beginning of a new season. It's these little things that often bring us joy, that will stay with us a lifetime.
swuvvy   
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / Notre Dame Essay -- Build a Future of Hope for Others [3]

Nice essay - I really got the feeling that you're a compassionate person.

below are just some edits in terms of grammar.

larger than life deeds don't quote me on this one (I'm not too sure myself) but it might be larger-than-life because you're using that as an adjective

I continue to live according toby that belief.

current students and graduates answer the call and help others in his or hertheir own way. since your subject is plural

Hopefully one day, I can take the values and bonds I have formed with my fellow Domers to do something to help those that are in need of it .

I hope to help the village of Makuyu for the better

I also have a few essays in need of editing. hopefully you can take a look at them as well
swuvvy   
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / "a homeless woman" - Common App Short Answer :) [9]

Yes, and extra-curricular activity should be something you've been involved in for a while, and something you're committed to. Although what you did was really great, I don't think it's an extra-curricular activity, so it'd be better for you to choose something else (perhaps you're involved in a school band/club that you're passionate about?)
swuvvy   
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App essay - significant experience (immigration and different cultures) [6]

Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

The world was a delicate network of dirty little alleyways. Scattered here and there were cramped dingy houses that provided a comfortable shade from the sweltering heat. Familiar accents and intonations of local Chinese dialects rang in the air as market goers chattered with each other. That network of dirty little alleyways, enveloped in all its muddy and dilapidated glory, was where I grew up; it was the entire world to my young and naïve five-year-old self. It's little wonder, then, that I was full of questions when my parents told me of their decision to immigrate to Canada. My grandmother tried to appease my curiosity. "They look different there", she gently explained to me when brushing my hair one day. "Soft blonde hair, big blue eyes...just like this doll." She presented me with a Barbie doll, and I remember staring apprehensively at the tanned and skinny toy, so different from my own plump, pale china dolls with shiny black hair and brown eyes.

I soon found out my grandmother was wrong. On my first day of school, I sat beside an Indian girl at lunch, eating a samosa. My teacher was British and spoke with an accent himself. A girl with the brightest green eyes offered me crayons during art, and promised to teach me English. During recess feeling lost, I saw an Asian girl playing in the sandbox. Filled with excitement, I ran towards her and asked if I could join, in Chinese. She stared at me and told me matter-of-factly that she didn't understand a word I just said; she was Vietnamese.

As time passed, my English became more proficient and I gained enough confidence to initiate conversation with others. Because of financial difficulties in the first few years of immigration, my family moved from place to place all over the city; as a result, I was exposed to a medley of cultures. My circle of friends in elementary school expanded to include families from Sri Lanka, France, Haiti, and Russia. When I went to their houses after school, their parents offered food ranging from roti to baguettes. Being observant by nature, I noticed the differences in the interior decorations - oil paintings, African sculptures, Persian carpets, scents of candles, incense and coconut milk, and distinctive handicrafts. Some parents greeted me with hugs and kisses, while others were more reserved and offered nothing more than a polite smile.

As I grew older, I realized the significance of diversity and started appreciating Toronto's multiculturalism. While volunteering at my local health centre, I learned how to make delicious bread and pasta from Italian seniors. My roommate at Cornell Summer College taught me (rather unsuccessfully) how to tango, and I learned how to fold origami from a Japanese exchange student. I became more aware of the cultural impacts around me, and was fascinated by how Toronto is divided into different cultural districts. I recognized the unifying power in cultural roots, yet at the same time their potential to segregate and divide when clashed or misunderstood. I discovered my passion extends to an interest in basic human interactions; in studying the foundation and creation of these different cultures, we are finding answers to ourselves, to who we are as individuals and as humankind.

Bearing this new mindset, I went back to China ten years later. To my surprise, the alleyways were still there. They were just as dirty, just as crowded, just as familiar. Retracing my steps one afternoon, I realized I was hearing the same local dialects I had heard as a child but they now represented something different. Even within these alleyways, I recognized diversity, however slight and subtle. Grateful for having learned to embrace everything with a curious mind and open heart, I closed my eyes and let the sounds wash over me, relishing in the beauty and intricacy of the world's greatest orchestra: humanity.
swuvvy   
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / The store as a reflection of the world - Williams essay - looking through a window... [10]

Does this make it clearer?
The window is dirty. That's not surprising, since we don't wash it often.

I guess the second sentence isn't really that important in the paragraph, but the tone I want to set for the essay is a casual, story-telling one, and I thought that sentence does it well. Inputs?

thanks for reading through it :)
swuvvy   
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / Cornell's supplement--arts and sciences, doctor [12]

Love the revisions! Here are just some more edits

I aspire to gainwant (try to keep the language straightforward and simple - remember the admissions officers are reading through thousands of essays everyday so it's better to use direct language) a post-secondary education whichthat accommodates for my growing curiosity,

I found Cornell University's undergraduate program to offer a wide array of opportunities

also, this sentence "I aspire to gain a post-secondary education which accommodates for my growing curiosity, and after researching several universities, I found Cornell University's undergraduate program to offer wide array of opportunities, which can help develop the necessary skills required by today's professional world and promote scholarly growth through the exploration of interests." is a bit run-on. maybe just have "After researching several universities..."
swuvvy   
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / Brown Supplement - how a book influenced you (le petit prince) [3]

So this essay is really similar to my Princeton essay, and I just modified some parts of it to fit the prompt. But here it is: (I'm really unsure about the last paragraph, especially how it starts. is it too dramatic and off-topic?). And also, I ended up talking more about myself than about the book. Is this a bad thing? Are we supposed to draw more parallels between the book and ourselves in the essay? Aghhhhh!! *as you can probably see, help will be much appreciated*

Tell us about an intellectual experience, project, class, or book that has influenced or inspired you.

It was a children's book. The cover is of a silly, exaggerated cartoon, with the title in bright colours and childish font. I picked up Le Petit Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, slightly annoyed at having to read this for French class. A quick Wikipedia search told me it was about talking animals and a little boy from another planet. Wonderful.

I put off reading it for a long time. It was a thin book anyways, so it shouldn't take long to skim through. In the end though, I didn't skim through it - I couldn't. Without even realizing, I was carefully reading every word, captivated by its profound observations about life and human nature. What made the book so special to me wasn't just the moral of the story, but also the reminder of a past tradition I'd nearly forgotten.

As a child, it never failed to amaze me what families put out for yard sales. Decades-old books, tea sets, children's toys, outdated electronic devices, and sometimes even kitchen appliances - you never know what you will find. My family, of course, joined in on the fun. In the spring and summer, we would go around the neighbourhood almost every week, sometimes scrounging for antique artifacts and other times simply curious about what our neighbours kept hidden inside their houses. We never bought much - the occasional teacup and flowerpot sometimes wound up in the most unlikely crannies and nooks of our house - but this weekly ritual was a fresh experience for us as new immigrants.

Gradually, we stopped going to yard sales altogether. I guess it's because the novelty had worn off, and relocation to a suburban area with fewer neighbours and greater walking distances made house-visits more difficult. I soon forgot its significance, and was perfectly happy to have the Internet and technology take on a more dominant role in my life. Reading Le Petit Prince, however, reminded me of this little tradition. Thinking back to those days with a smile, I realized they still hold a special place in my heart. I now understand why I loved the philosophy behind yard sales even as a child - that someone's old, discarded object might still be wanted and cherished by someone else. Ultimately, everything has an inherent value, and that is how I see the world. Just like me, the little prince realizes that everything has something unique and special to it, something irreplaceable.

Because of this book, I now take time to appreciate the little things in my life. I tell myself to stop, take a look around, and drink in scenic sights. As I listen to the beautiful notes on a saxophone from a busker in the subway station, I slow my steps and lose myself in the moment. I revel in the innocence of a baby's smile, the scent of grass and dew in the morning, the laughter of my family and friends.

People often ask me what I want to do - with my time, my day, my life. I will simply answer, "J'aime bien les couchers de soleil. Allons voir un coucher de soleil: I am very fond of sunsets. Come, let us go look at a sunset." Because Antoine de Saint-Exupéry is right: life is about the little things, and it's these little things that often bring us joy, that will stay with us a lifetime.
swuvvy   
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / Princeton-write about a person you admire & how they have influenced your life [4]

Some edits:

from working in South Africa during apartheid times, andtoenduringnot sure if this is the right word...maybe overcoming? breast cancer.

Finally , being forced in form four, without any way out, to dostudyaan unfamiliar subject I had no idea how to work around for Cambridge final exams was terrifying.

I do not know what don't you know? I think this phrase doesn't really add anything to the sentence , but for sure Ms Brown was not like any other teacher I have met, with her skill...

What really makes me admire her admirable

anonymous authors became my heaven "heaven" is an odd word to use here...maybe you mean inspiration?

Because of Miss Brown's knowledge here and there in various languages

I'm also applying to Princeton - can you take a look at my essay as well? thanks :)
swuvvy   
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / "MY OWN CURIOUS CASE " Feedbacks on my admission essay... [13]

Wow, the story is really captivating! The idea is original and I got a great sense of who you are from the essay.

Below are some edits I made:

We were happy together for two years till one day it stopped to breathebreathing .

but still it did not breathe back to life I'm not sure whether "breathe back to life" is a smooth phrase...perhaps "come back to life" would be more appropriate

but he rather replied annoyingly,annoyed, [...]

I rather decided to mend it myself.

Stealing my dad's tool box, I managed to open it up the clock . (The "it" here can be a bit confusing. When I first read it, I thought "it" referred to the tool box and that you opened up the toolbox. You should specify that you opened up the clock, rather than use "it")

First and foremost, we do not give up that easily.
swuvvy   
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / Johns Hopkins Supplement Essay--undecided...major help. [12]

Now that I'm rereading it, I realized your passions and interests are very science-oriented, especially biochemistry. If I were the admissions officer (if only! then I can accept myself haha), I'd be surprised at why you choose to not declare a major. Maybe if you're not sure about biochemistry being something you want to dedicate a life-long career to, perhaps you can still mention that you want to pursue something in the field of science.

Hopefully this helped!
swuvvy   
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / "my Japanese classes" - Why Swarthmore Essay [8]

*I know I wrote this essay kind of differently from the norm...instead of a direct "why I'm coming", I made it more personal. Not sure if this is what they're looking for though...

Please write a brief statement telling us why you have decided to apply to Swarthmore in particular.

It's a chilly evening. I wish I'd brought a jacket with me as I walk past Parrish Hall. My plan is to grab a quick dinner at Sharples before going to tutor the elementary students in Chester. On the way there, I reflect on the Orchestra rehearsal I just came from, and begin humming the first few bars of a piece without realizing it. I think of the things we've planned for International Club's Faculty Dinner, and it only makes me hungrier. Should I submit something for the Daily Gazette? I'll think about that tomorrow. I'm almost at Sharples now - I can smell the food.

It's Wednesday afternoon, and I'm in my Chinese Civilization class with twelve other classmates. A discussion on perceptions of Asians comes up, and I think back to my high school English class when I read Salman Rushdie's East, West. A point was raised...wait - I didn't agree with that at all! A heated (but good-natured, of course) debate ensues, and I leave the class more insightful, informed, and slightly more defensive than I first went in. The class, eager to continue the debate, invites the professor to dinner and so I tag along. For some reason, the conversation turns to travel experiences, bungee jumping, and meditation, and it ends with the professor encouraging us to consider the Honors program.

It's three in the morning, and I'm working on a paper for my International Politics class. My roommate is playing music on maximum volume, and I can't concentrate because my favourite song is on. My parents called this morning, so I leave a message on their answering machine, reassuring them that college is great, the campus is gorgeous, the classes are stimulating, yes I'm eating my vegetables, and not to worry because I'll be going to bed soon. Of course, the last bit isn't entirely truthful. I muse aloud to my roommate about the idea of starting a curling club, before complaining about pulling an all-nighter for this paper.

It's the last day of finals! My friends and I celebrate on Parrish Beach, simply hanging out and playing Frisbee. We reminisce about the pterodactyl hunt and make plans to watch a Motherpuckers game next week. We brainstorm crazy things to do just for fun - sneaking into the Faculty's Lounge, spending a night in McCabe Library, crashing a dance party - and hours went by without us even realizing it. We stayed there until it's completely dark, watching the stars in silence and enjoying each other's company.

It's the day I will never forget. I'm at the airport, waiting for my flight to Kyoto where I will spend more than half a year abroad in Japan studying at Doshisha University. Excited and nervous, I hope my Japanese classes have prepared me well enough to converse with my host family. I stand before the great glass window, watching airplanes preparing to take off. Suddenly, I'm filled with a sense of fulfillment and exhilaration. I feel like I've got the world at the tip of my fingers. I feel prepared to come back home, a worldlier, more mature woman. I feel like a true Swattie, and I'm so proud of it.
swuvvy   
Dec 24, 2009
Undergraduate / The store as a reflection of the world - Williams essay - looking through a window... [10]

language? you mean the languages they speak? maybe you should explain more on that.. and how you know what language they speak..

I meant it as their way of speech, the way they talk.

I realize that it can be unclear...do you have any suggestions as to how I should change it?

And I will read your essay now :)
swuvvy   
Dec 24, 2009
Undergraduate / "my Japanese classes" - Why Swarthmore Essay [8]

And I hope you explain more about the "defensive" part.

Yeah I was thinking of leaving that word out, and maybe replace it with "overwhelmed" or something? because "defensive" makes me sound really narrow-minded, don't you think?
swuvvy   
Dec 24, 2009
Undergraduate / "my Japanese classes" - Why Swarthmore Essay [8]

I guess the word I'm trying to find is one that will describe a feeling of going to a class, learning tons of stuff, and coming out kind of light-headed because you were so into it...that kind of feeling. Wow is there a word for this? haha...
swuvvy   
Dec 24, 2009
Undergraduate / Why Yale - short ans (passion in cultural studies) [8]

Comments?

What in particular about Yale has influenced your decision to apply? Please limit your response to the space provided.

I can't think of a better place than Yale to further my passion in cultural studies. I'm particularly drawn to its dynamic student life and diverse cultural groups. While pursuing a major in Ethnicity, Race and Migration, I'd love to write for Revelasians, the magazine published by the Asian American Cultural Centre, and contribute to the Intercultural Affairs Council. I wish to emerge from Yale an engaged, global citizen actively working to better the lives of others, one small step at a time.
swuvvy   
Dec 24, 2009
Undergraduate / Cornell Arts&Sciences Supplement - cultural studies and social work [3]

the beginning is just a modification of my common app essay. right now I'm around 100 words over and have no idea how to cut it down.

any input would be much appreciated! :)))

thanks guys

College of Arts and Sciences:
Describe your intellectual interests, their evolution, and what makes them exciting to you. Tell us how you will utilize the academic programs in the College of Arts and Sciences to further explore your interests, intended major, or field of study. (Maximum of 500 words)


The world was a delicate network of dirty little alleyways. Familiar accents and intonations of local Chinese dialects rang in the air as market goers chattered with each other. As a five-year-old, these dialects were the only languages I recognized, and that alleyway was the only world I knew. Naturally, I was completely stunned when my family immigrated to Toronto, one of the world's multicultural hubs.

Financial difficulty in the first few years forced us to relocate all over the city; as a result, I was exposed to a medley of cultures. When I went to my friends' houses after school, their parents offered food ranging from roti to baguettes. Being observant by nature, I noticed the differences in the interior decorations - oil paintings, African sculptures, Persian carpets, scents of candles, incense and coconut milk, and distinctive handicrafts. As I grew older, I realized the significance of diversity and started appreciating Toronto's multiculturalism. My work with the Chinese Canadian National Council heightened my awareness of the cultural impacts around me, and I was fascinated by how Toronto is divided into different cultural districts. I recognized the unifying power in cultural roots, yet at the same time their potential to segregate and divide when clashed or misunderstood.

I discovered my passion for area studies extends to an interest in basic human interactions; in studying the foundation and creation of these different cultures, we are finding answers to ourselves, to who we are as individuals and as humankind. I became interested in Cornell after hearing about the graduate-level Cornell Population Program at the Bronfenbrenner Life Course Center. It's an amazing opportunity unique to this college; collaboration with eminent leaders in the field on a demographic research project is not something many other universities can offer.

The opportunities in the undergraduate department at the College of Arts and Sciences are no less stimulating. The independent study projects, research projects, and the Mellon Mays Fellowship are all fieldwork options readily available to undergraduate students. Studying at the College of Arts and Sciences will provide me with the unparalleled means of weaving together my cultural and political interests, and applying them to a specific research subject. I want to draw connections between area studies, the social sciences, and physical sciences - to the real world where all these play an integral role.

Specifically within cultural studies, I am particularly interested in the Asian Studies department. Living in China and Singapore has shaped a large part of my identity, and I hope to share with others my experiences and passion. The Asian Studies Department at the College of Arts and Sciences is one of the only academic units in America covering all of East Asia, Southeast Asia, and South Asia from a perspective that combines social sciences, humanities, and languages. I've also always wanted to study another East Asian language, and the one-of-a-kind FALCON (Full-Year Asian Language Concentration) program is the perfect way for me to master Japanese.

I can't think of a better place than the College of Arts and Sciences to further my passion in cultural studies and social work. Combined with research opportunities and the FALCON program, the college will pave the way to a truly outstanding educational experience. A saying goes "The steeper the mountain the harder the climb, the better the view from the finishing line." I know life on the hill will be challenging, stimulating, and perhaps sometimes even overwhelming, but that's what makes it even more rewarding. The hills in Ithaca may be hard to climb (trust me, I've tried!), but I also know the view at the top will be like no other.
swuvvy   
Dec 24, 2009
Undergraduate / Cornell's supplement--arts and sciences, doctor [12]

Hi again! :)

I researched Metabolic Syndrome in order to obtain a better understanding of the molecular events that...

I prefer a post-secondary education that accommodates for my future growth in related field. It might be better to state right from the beginning of this paragraph that you're interested in the sciences so you don't keep the admissions people hanging. Maybe "...that accommodates for my future growth in a scientific field" might work better, but it's totally your call

I also just finished my Cornell supplement, also for the college of arts and sci (great way to spend the first hour of Christmas, I know). Can you take a look for me and give me some comments? It's my first draft so I need some edits. thanks!!
swuvvy   
Dec 25, 2009
Undergraduate / Why Yale - short ans (passion in cultural studies) [8]

Thanks for the suggestions guys! I realize that this is kind of vague and doesn't really highlight anything special that attracts me to Yale.

I will revise ASAP and post another version :)
swuvvy   
Dec 25, 2009
Undergraduate / Cornell's supplement--arts and sciences, doctor [12]

a way to make it less jumpy could be tying a theme into your essay that you allude to. This will tighten up your essay, give it a nicer flow, and show YOU through the essay
swuvvy   
Dec 26, 2009
Essays / Amherst applicants, do we have to refer to the quote in the essay? [4]

I'm in the exact same position as you.
I just had this before my essay:
In response to the following quotation:
"Difficulty need not foreshadow despair or defeat. Rather achievement can be all the more satisfying because of obstacles surmounted." Attributed to William Hastie, Amherst Class of 1925, first African-American to serve as a judge for the United States Court of Appeals


But I'm not sure if this is what we're supposed to do...
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