Writing Feedback / Communicate effectively through the use of images, not language - GRE [2]

Introduction edit

The intro is nice, except I think you can change a few things.

First of all, language is an idea, not a method, so it would be better to write "language is an effective way to communicatefor communicating ideas." To maintain parallelism and reduce redundancy, you can take edit:

"communicating ideas using images has itshave their own advantages"

Some more possible fixes:
"Had it not been for images, communication crossing the borders, for example, would not have been easierbe more difficult ." (for an example)

Since this is a formal essay, you shouldn't use slashes "/". Rather, just replace them with the word "or".

The last sentence is a little awkward and also changes the tense of will.
"Finally, unambiguous representation of an event/or idea willwouldnot be trivial without use ofwith images.

Undergraduate / How my background has had an impact on my educational goals [7]

Wow. It is kind of hard to do that in only 250 words.

Well, you can cut out some little things. For example, you can get rid of "so I did" for two reasons. First, the reader can follow along and deduce that you did indeed heed his advice. Second, (don't take this offensively though; it happens to me too when I am at loss for words) it sounds unsophisticated.

You can also make these sentence more succinct:

Three years after my graduation, I had worked withexperienced everything from child care to waiting tables to directory enquiries, but I still had no "great plan" for the rest of my lifedefinitive life agenda .

I just knew that I wanted to "get out there and experience"explore something new.

And it feels good to know that I am writing this essayIt is gratifying to write this essay/Writing this essay is gratifying , not because my teachers or friends want me to studyof peer pressure()? , but because I want to.

Now with some space left over, I think you can work on a better transition between 2nd and 3rd sentence of the 2nd paragraph.

I also think that this essay could use a better conclusion. I follow through the essay until I get to the last sentence; I was a little confused about what you are trying to say. Remember that the conclusion should be some sort of "summary" (loss for words here :) and recapitulate the main idea of the essay. Which leads me to my last point; I'm not sure what you're thesis is... well, actually I do, but you more clearly state the main point of the essay.

Overall, it's a good try. It is difficult to fit broad experiences into 250 words.

Undergraduate / Question about length of common application personal essay [5]

Really? ... I always thought that <500 was a little bit too short. Well, thanks anyways for the information.

Research Papers / My Scientific Method: steps and procedures (research) [6]

Maybe a small fixes here and there could tidy up your essay. The idea of analyzing yourself was quite novel! :]

If you don't mind, I think you can delete some words to make your essay cleaner and more sophisticated:

Edit:
The scientific method was developed over a period of thousands of years and through the combined contributions of the world's greatest minds. Today, scientists use the scientific method to address every challenge the world faces. As a man of science, the scientific method strikes a close personal resonance with me. It is the foundation by which I as an intellectual and we as a people enhance our knowledge and progress ourselves. Thus this method is most congruous to answer one of the most challenging questions I face: who am I?

First step, the question. Who am I? It seems simple enough, yet I have lived with me for 17 years and could still not wholly explain who I am. I am complex to say the least, but I can unearth the answer by following the method.

Step two, background research; I need to search for what makes me "me". To start, my family is Roman Catholic and I believe in God, so I am definitely religious. Concerning my family, my grandfather was a very smartan intelligent man who was always dabbling in science; he's a role model to me. Additionally, a thorough read through my bookshelfchoked bookshelf will inform you of all that physics, astronomy, and biology have to offer, and resting on the bookshelf is my certificate of volunteer work running the local planetarium; I definitely love science.(Try to add a transition here - maybe relate science to music or, if one your Grandpa also likes music, you can say that to further support the idea that he is you're role model) If I take a look at my car I notice that most stations are set to a variety of musical genres: pop, rap, rock, and country. Furthermore, my dilapidated piano clearly aches from 8 years of relentless playing; I clearly love music. In fact, "aches" has reminded me of my love for cross country. I see that my third pair of running shoes has been worn to the tread and also see a seven page long running log in my room; I must love sports. Next to my shoes I see a filing box and inside I encounter a bottomless pit of forms from the regional, state, and international science fairs I competed in. I also spot a news letter from a local lab I'm working with and my plans for an independent research project. Clearly I'm very ambitious. I think I've researched enough.

Step three, construct a hypothesis. Based on my research, I would again say that I am complex; I am religious yet I love science, I am interested inpassionate about (? I think interested is a little weak in this context) music and athletics, and I am ambitious. Now I need to test this theory.

Step four, experimentation. My love of both science and God has, perhaps, been my longest lasting experiment. I've refused to surrender either of these passions and thus I've attempted to find a middle groundcompromise them through studying the bible at religious education, taking a myriad of science courses, and finally cross referencing these results to ensure that I was not hypocritical. This test is still ongoing, but early results indicate that my hypothesis was correct, I am religious and I love science. As for music, my euphoric escape from reality, a friend and I have been in competition for two years on who can play the piano the best, and it has yielded a self-created album, an explosion of talent. In addition, my friends fuel my love for sports. From running 3 miles in the rain and mud to cheering on the USA in the world cup, my zeal for sport has persisted despite my busy schedule(It's better to leave this out because it seems a little random and you haven't really mentioned a busy schedule earlier in the essay) .

It appears, though, that I don't have the equipment to fully test this hypothesis, to find out who I truly am. Ambition is difficult to test; I know I have it, yet opportunities are rare. My passion expressed in everything I do may briefly reveal it, yet I don't currently hold the opportunity to fulfill my dreams and desires with it. Perhaps I will find the equipmenttools? (I don't know... It sounds more casual to me... This is just a minor suggesion :) later in life, hopefully in college, but I can only aspire that as I grow as a person and as an intellectual I will be able to use this ambition and my passion to one day finish my own scientific method, knowresolve who I am, and use that knowledge for somethingbecome extraordinary.

Overall - Nice Job! The scientific method idea - who would have thought of that? :)

Undergraduate / Question about length of common application personal essay [5]

Alright. A lot of my friends are talking about writing 5-page essays, which I though was excessive. But now I agree that it really depends on the writer and the topic. Thanks for the advice!

Graduate / "Career vision" vs. "most passionate about" - what is the difference? [10]

I agree. In my opinion, these two questions are quite different. If you are fortunate, passion can lead to an ideal career. However, many times, what you are passionate about cannot be practically translated into a vocational agenda. For example, you may be passionate about eating or playing computer games, yet it would be very difficult to find respectable jobs directly related to your passion. The closest you can get to eating is becoming a chef, but you might not like cooking or baking. Of course, you can learn, but it just might not be the thing you desire to do.

Another particular example would be writing letters. Many people are passionate about hand-writing personalized messages to their relatives or loved-ones, but I assure you that it is difficult to find a letter-writing career that will support you (and perhaps your family).

So in short, "career vision," in my opinion, addresses what you would like to do for a job, and "passion" implies what you plainly love to do.

Poetry / Writing a Narrative Poem/Short Story [7]

Perhaps you can write about what you most enjoy doing, whether it be fishing or reading books or playing video games. Just write about a specific experience, and present what you learned from it. I, myself, find that writing about what I like to do is easiest.

Undergraduate / Drama Code Geass for short answer of Common App, feel free to comment [3]

No! Your English is not lame. It just takes practice and experience to get used to the rather complex language. I assure you that none of us were writing novels when we just began learning the language.

Essays / compare and contrast essay about home school and public school - major topic [7]

Well... I object to the school expense one because, technically, public schools are free... so the expenses should not be significantly different from that of home school. I would actually think that home school is more expensive because you will have to purchase or rent textbooks and materials through local schools.

Another topic I might add is how there is limited materials/classes available at school while at home, you can even learn classes and materials that are not offered at school. At my school, for instance, the only AP's offered are: Chem, Physics, Calculus, English Literature, Biology, and Psychology. Others, we have to learn on our own.

And, by the way, please make your subject more specific and helpful. Right now, your thread is in danger of being deleted by the moderators. Just a heads up :]

Undergraduate / intellectual challenges - Stanford-intelellectually engaging activity [17]

Thanks for the help. I didn't agree with a few of the corrections though.

Undergraduate / The ability to think: Common Application. Elaborate on one Activity. [13]


This will give a better transition between the sentences.


Unless you are John Steinbeck (just a joke :), it's generally bad practice to begin your sentences with 'And.'
Actually, I think you should combine that sentence with the previous one:
"However, there is one activity that I believe transcends limitations: the ability to think."
How about that?


This sounds too casual. Try to replace it with something stronger, or, instead, I recommend that you cross out the sentence because it seems more of a digression. Also, try to add more content in this paragraph.



I'm not sure what you mean by this sentence. Try to fix the awkward wording here. If this is your concluding sentence, make it stronger, as this sentence is supposed the wrap up the whole essay.

Overall, it's ok. However, you should elaborate on the activity. Currently, your essay is devoid of details. Try to describe what you did as a captain of the debate team, or what your debate team did. Try to present a specific experience that will encapsulate your contribution to the debate team. This will make your essay more strongly emphasize your role as part of the debate team. After all, the main idea is to elaborate on one activity :]

Undergraduate / intellectual challenges - Stanford-intelellectually engaging activity [17]

I edited the conclusion paragraph because I thought the last sentence was a little weak -.- :

Through this research, I exposed myself to intellectual challenges. Although this experience did not satiate my intellectual hunger, it intensified my fervor for electrical and mathematical knowledge.

I still feel like something is missing... could someone help me out? Thanks.

Scholarship / Fellowship Essay for PhD program-how do you plan to help Egypt? [20]

Some grammatical errors :)

During my high school years I was the president of the student union of my school,a public local school in Tanta Town. (Here, don't you want to actually put the name of your school?) We didcompleted a project about "Green School" for a national competition. TheOur project tookwonthe first place.and this It was the first time for a local school to winwon this competition. The Governor held award ceremony on our behalf and we got showed uppresented on the local TV channel. We inspired a lot ofmany (The reason I changed this is because "a lot" tends to be overused and is also weak) local schools, and the next year, two schools from my town took the second and the third place in the same competition. This experience made me realize that if I can compete national, can I do it international?inspired me to compete internationally.

Next year, I applied ofto the ThinkQuest African competition. I assembled a team, including girl from Cairo and a boy from The Republic of Ghana. I wanted to have different perspectives in my teama diverse team . We didprepared a project about wars that happened in Africa and how it affected the economy, people and everything in Africaand people in Africa (Here, you should be specific, rather than saying "everything" . We callednamed the project "Live or Die!" and appliedwith a black/whiteblack and white theme to show the contrarinessemphasize the conflict of war (Is this what you were trying to say? If not, please let me know) . This project inspired many people, es pecially Mrs. Susan Mobarak, the first lady of Egypt. We were awarded withthe Star Award for best project and best content. We also got an article onThe Al-Ahram newspapertalkingwrote an article about our initiative. This experience changed my way of thinkingperspectives and how effective I can be to the world around metaught me that I can influence the world .

I got into volunteeringvolunteered in activities via my English schools teacher. I joined International Education and Resource Network (iEARN), Egypt section as IT committee member. We did a lotvarious projects, including the "Voice of America competition" and "Access Alumni Network." (Remember that punctuations go before the quotes, even if the phrase is a name or title) Later I joined Egypt-ERA and became a core member and responsible for the IT infrastructure. This experience maturedadvanced my IT skills. (I think its better to end the sentence here)and bB y the time when I had to admit for the collageI applied for college , I decided to goapply for Computer Science Faculty, Menufia University. Unfortunately, this was against my family will.

My family has itsa passion for the medical field.as mM y father has a small pharmacy, and my sister is studying medicine. For myselfUnlike them, however , I had other plans. They argued meWe argueda lotfrequently but I insisted to study what I desirepursue my passion . I was extremely happy when I got accepted to the Faculty of Computer Science, but the "ungraceful" look I saw in my parents' eyes wasmy parents' disgraceful expressions were unbearable.

The collagecollege (collage is actually a type of art, if you were wondering :), the faculty was recently established and, so it didn't have room for student activities. Therefore, I formed a student community with my colleagues and we called it MUFIX. MUFIX gotreceived the attention it needed and it began to enrich college experience and be part ofinfluence students' daily lifelives . We started an infrastructural project to automate paper work. We also hosted national and international speakers from various IT fields. SharingThrough my vision and responsibility made, MUFIX lasted longer than I had anticipated. After 6 years, I am still remembered and recognized as theits founder. This was my gateway to International Organizations.

I gotreceived a call from a IEEE Egypt, Gold Section representative where he, who encouraged me to bebecome a member and represent them in two remote universities. This was a challenge because these universities where totally isolated of suchlacked student activities. Year after year, more students get moregrew interested in our activities and events speciallysuch as "Egyptian Engineering Day" (EED), where graduated students get a chance to present their graduation projects to the industry people. I got involvedparticipated in "Arab Science and Technology Foundation" (ASTF), which aims fortargets people with ideas who lack fund and marketing skills. ASTF hashosted two famous projects I'm proud to be part of: "Your Project is Reality" and "Technology business plan competition". InThrough these projects, I met a lot ofcountless enthusiastic youth with great ideas that aim mostly forabout the development of Egypt. This experience was the main source of inspiration formost inspired my graduation project.

At my final year at collagecollege , I and my colleagues and I (This is one of those weird rules in English that says that you should always put yourself last when listing people. They say it's for manners -.-) decided to develop a hardware device that would secure campus network cheaply and autonomously. However, we lacked funds to buypurchase the necessary hardware components that we needed. W, so w e had to researched and fund-raised the project ourselves. We managed to getreceive a 70% fund from the Egyptian governomentgovernment, (You need to work on spelling. To help, you can always use the spell checker that comes with Microsoft Office :) and this was the head start for us. (Try to add a transition here, such as: "When we finally completed and submitted our projects, to our surprise, we won ..." or something similar. Right now, the way you talk about how a fund started and move into how you won an award is too abrupt. Maybe describe the project progress.) We won "Best Software Project" Award in EED 2007. We got Interviewed by TVwere interviewed and gotreceived an article on the first page of Algomhoria Newspaper. ThereTo my relief , my parents were extremely proud of me and believed that I was indeed on the right path. I got the third rank on my class and soAs third of my class, I was nominated to join teaching staff. However, unfortunately, I had to refuse the nomination.

Although w orking as a faculty instructor is very prestigious but, I had to refuse that opportunity because my family had some serious financial problems. Because I was the only available variable of the problem equationsource of income,and working as instructor wasn't right at that moment. Although m y professors had a plan to guide potentials, but they respected my decision and encouraged me to continue my education when the time is right. Thereafter, I gave myself a 5-year plan to fix everythingthe situation and getearn decent independent life. Soon, I married my beautiful girlfriend. Get, attained more and more experience from my work and then get, and returned back to my faculty andto contribute my findings. SurpriselySurprisingly , I was able to do my 5 yearscomplete plans in just 3 years.

I worked as a software developer at ASSET Technology Group and I was outsourced to Vodafone Egypt the biggest telecom company in Egypt and the world. During my work, I got in touch with latest technology and I was able to seesaw the gap between the academia and theacademics and industry in Egypt. This encouraged me to pursuitpursue my PhD, to fill that gap, and be part ofto assist my country's development process.

The fact I learned fromFrom the projects and communities,I was part of isI learned that a lot of people hashave the potential for public service. They allAll they need a pushis encouragement . Through my student community , I created a student community to pushedthe students to serve the society,I used that to push the teaching staff to encourage and award students I used that to push, and the administration staff to make students' lives easier and fun. A lot ofAlthough many people were disappointed when I refused the faculty nomination but , they arewere confident that I'll do my best to serve the bigger community. I'm willing to work harder and travel the world to grab what I can to better developimprove my culture, my society and my country.

Whew! :) That was a long one! I commend your essay and your accomplishments. They were very inspiring indeed!

Scholarship / Fellowship Essay for PhD program-how do you plan to help Egypt? [20]


:D

No problem. I learned a lot from your essay, though what I learned was not necessarily English writing. But I was still fascinated with your content. It is truly inspiring. :)

Undergraduate / intellectual challenges - Stanford-intelellectually engaging activity [17]


:/ I'm afraid I can't do that. I have a 1800 char limit here also. I hate these limits.


I added it to my newer version below. Do you think its an effective thesis? Thanks a million for your help!

Ever since I was young, I found electrons magically fascinating and intellectually captivating. Their awesome ability to deliver power and to secure information over thousands of miles, despite their infinitesimal size, baffled my imagination. When I began to dissect the black box of matter, I discovered electrons' ubiquitous intricacy and helplessly surrendered to their intriguing allure; I quickly became engrossed with independent research on electricity and discovered that electricity and mathematics were the yin and yang of science.

Recently, I became immersed ...

Scholarship / Fellowship Essay for PhD program-how do you plan to help Egypt? [20]


Oh! I can help with this one:
"This experience made me wonder: If I can compete nationally, can I do it internationally?"
How about that? :)

Undergraduate / "Light is unable to shine without darkness." - Common App Short Answer [3]

Your essay is very strong grammatically. Although I'm not an expert, I think adding specific details to the essay describing your experience would help a lot.


Do you mean something like evoke or start? What do you mean when sandwiches bless a conversation? Just wondering :) I found this part a little confusing.


I don't know... to me, I think this could sound more urgent with some rewording... like simply adding the word "compelling" before "need" could give the effect... This is just a minor suggestion though...


Some might get caught up here. I think you can clear the small confusion up by changing the earlier sentence: "but the departure of our youth pastor and leader dashed my hopes"

... Actually scratch that x.x Never mind what I said here... now that I think of it, a pastor should be a leader :)


I think you've done a pretty nice job balancing both. Since the prompt asks you to elaborate on an activity, undoubtedly, you will need some sort of narration. However, one thing I am not clear about is how the quote relates to what you do. To me the quote "Light is unable to shine without darkness." means, in simplified terms, that life is not easy. I think you should better tie that meaning in to your essay, or perhaps choose a more fitting term...

But this is only an opinion. Wait for the more experience contr/moderators to advise you on this :)

Essays / Effects of having a baby..(Cause & Effect paper) [3]


To me, this sounds like your thesis statement. One thing I would recommend is for you to elaborate on your introduction. Perhaps describe how the doctor's news that you could not conceive affected you.


Really? :) A nice birthday present

Well, your thesis arranges your essay for you.
Try to list out the different ways (specific examples) that your conception affected you. Then categorize them as 'spiritually', 'financially, etc...
There, you should have three paragraphs. This could give you a good start.

Undergraduate / My mother - UT admission essay - person important to you. [9]


A suggestion to liven this up :)
"If a typical day to day life was woven into a novel, its chapters would be intricate and unpredictable. There would be many unique characters, most of whose names would never be threaded into the fabrics of time..."


You should fix the fragment here.


I think you get get rid a that phrase, to make this statement succinct, because we know from the previous sentence that you are talking about people.



I think you are giving the feeling that it is not supposed to happen. Maybe switching a few words around can help clear the confusion:

"... there is that rare, special person that influences every choice I make in life."

I look forward to your body and conclusion :)

Undergraduate / My mother - UT admission essay - person important to you. [9]

Well... When you say "rarely, something happens"... I get the feeling that that is the abnormal... But, remember, this is only my opinion. If you feel otherwise, feel free to write what you feel is true :)

Undergraduate / UC prompt1: describe your world and how it shaped your aspirations... [12]

Ha. I see a lot of misinterpretation... I think I should finish it up first.


This was only an introduction. I'm saying that, "yes, these people did help define my goal, but I think that my school influenced me the most", which is what the prompt is partly asking for.


I don't think so at all... I'm using this to justify the competitive atmosphere at my school. Well, since this is only my introduction, there's some misunderstandings. I'll try to finish it up as soon as I can, and then we'll see how this turns out..

Essays / Plagiarism is a form of academic dishonesty - can't come up with a thesis/argument [5]

Maybe you can take it personally, like:
"Plagiarism is not only dishonest, but maims one's self-esteem and self-respect"
Or perhaps, you can talk about the consequences:
"Plagiarism, when discovered, can lead to dire consequences that can soil one's academic history"

Do these examples give you a good idea of how specific thesis statements can be? But don't make them so specific that its impossible to amass enough arguments and details to support it.

Essays / Plagiarism is a form of academic dishonesty - can't come up with a thesis/argument [5]

Let me try to reword it for you:


I think this is a very valid thesis! Just as long as you have specific details and examples to support it, any thesis is valid.

Undergraduate / "me giving back to the community" - UC Prompt #1 Help [9]

First thing is first: What will your thesis be? Find the main idea and purpose for your essay. What is the ONE statement that you want your reader to get from this essay? An example might be, "From these experiences, I learned that I want to serve the community for the rest of my life" (Don't use this though! You can definitely come up with a much stronger thesis). You get the idea.

From there, just list all the details of your experience and what you learned, and then arrange the details appropriately into separate body paragraphs...

I recommend that you actually take one or both these experiences and simply elaborate on them. For example, you can talk about your experience coaching the soccer team, what you did, how you felt, what you learned, etc... and tie them in to your thesis. And ... well, for now, you can get started on your intro :) To be safe, from the intro, the reader should be able to know your thesis and have an idea of what you'll be talking about in the rest of the essay.

Undergraduate / "me giving back to the community" - UC Prompt #1 Help [9]

Ha :) Yeah, I'm still working on my recent essay, which is actually the same prompt you are working on right now. I had the same trouble, but fortunately, I'm out of the mire now :). But I assure you that the method I explained to you works almost all the time. Once you have your thesis and main infrastructure, how you want to architect your essay - that's entirely up to you :)

Poetry / 1 sense poem 'When I'm at the beach I hear... [9]


Whoa! Lines too long for a poem? Ha :) That's the first time I've ever heard someone say that, no offense. :]
In my opinion, if the lines fit with the rhythm and flows smoothly (Although I'm not a poet, to me, a good poem has rhythm and flow - that's why I don't really like Whitman :), then it works, regardless of its length. But right now, I have to agree with Azeri. You could develop your lyricalness. Imagine that you are actually there at the beach, and imagine that you are describing it to a person who has never seen a beach before. Describe it so well that the reader himself can imagine that he is there with you at the beach. Make it sound like you are singing, so be sure to keep the flow and rhythm in mind.


Aww... I like poems that rhyme. :)


That's for you to decide. Think of every, single possible minute details of the beach, write them down, and arrange them into your poem. That could give you a good start :]

And, most importantly:


Every poem has a "thesis," even if it is as simple as "life is beautiful." From this poem, what overall message do you want to convey? If you are simply describing the beach, without certain reason, then this poem is not a poem, but as Azeri said, descriptive verse.

I have one suggestion though. You could take out "When I think of the beach" and simply start describing the beach. It will sound more lyrical and the reader will know, if you add more specific descriptions, that you are referring to the beach. :]

Undergraduate / "me giving back to the community" - UC Prompt #1 Help [9]


I was going to say, "Where is the thesis," and I read this :)


It's not childlike. If used correctly, it can be a life-saver. In my opinion, a strong introductory sentence should always be in the active voice. So instead, you can write:

"Ever since I was young, countless experiences, obstacles, and people molded my life."


This is the other suggestion: How about "Earn it" instead of 'If you want something, you must earn it." To me, it is much more concise, and I think it is self-explanatory. Just a suggestion though :]


This sentences is very wordy. I think it would be better if you split them up into two sentences.

Undergraduate / RISD essay- if you can eliminate one thing from the world what would it be? [4]

First, the technical stuff:



Not everyone knows what BP is, so spell it out the first time.

Now the Real Deal:
I would say you would be great at rhetoric. But I also have to say that this essay is sometimes a little vulgar. Remember, college admins are going to read your essay, so you don't want to use "God" in vain and freely vituperate the US government and corporate businesses, and you especially don't want to give a first impression of a vituperating maniac. :) Tone it down a bit. Otherwise, I applaud your rhetoric. Oh, one thing though - when you list out the reasons why gasoline is bad, be sure to give specific examples to support your reasons.

Undergraduate / intellectual challenges - Stanford-intelellectually engaging activity [17]

I'm a little tight on space right now. But I thought the body and conclusions paragraphs might have cleared that up:
"I found that the qualitative electrical knowledge I had amassed did not suffice"
"thorough study of electricity is impossible without the quantitative analysis only mathematics provides."
Should I be more direct?
Thanks.

Undergraduate / intellectual challenges - Stanford-intelellectually engaging activity [17]

I see what you mean now... I always thought that quality and quantity were sort of opposing ideas because so many teachers demand "quality over quantity," so I was confused :] I think what I should say then, instead of yin and yang, is that one discipline is indispensable without the other:

"... mathematics is indispensable to the study of electricity. Only through the conciliation..."
Is this (metaphorically) more sound?

Thanks a lot for your help!

Essays / ''Money create happiness'' people get satisfaction when they can do what they want [7]


I strongly disagree. I suggest that "money does not necessarily create happiness." I know many instances where wealthy people are not happy with their lives. For example, take the classic story about the Christmas Carol. Sure, money can make achieving happiness easier, but it definitely does not create it.

Undergraduate / intellectual challenges - Stanford-intelellectually engaging activity [17]

Yes. But the way I worded it, I made it say that math is necessary for studying electricity. I didn't intend it to be the other way around, because, as you notice, it would be quite ridiculous :]

I'm still tweaking this essay a little... I'll let you know if I have more questions. *Whew!... applying to colleges is just like a course by itself.