Undergraduate / "How could I crush our years of friendship" - Caltech - ethical dillema essay [4]

Hey, the story fits in great, although the writing could be better, IMHO.

1) What do you mean you became top dog? It doesn't seem very self-explanatory/relevant/humble.
2) Jo was opted(s)elected
3) "I have been" should be "I had been ". Actually the sentence may read better as "I was a co-conspirator in the plan until Pete, my best friend... "

4) The bully's 'plan' was slightly unclear to me. Maybe "Whoever doesn't vote for Jo ". Or get rid of the quotes completely and say it in third person "the bully threatened to rough up anyone who didn't vote for Jo "

5) Despite all these triesDespite all of my class' efforts
6) Pete must have thought I voted for him.
7) This sentence needs a lot of work: Lured by the fast-approaching danger, I relinquished what could have later been a blessing in the future, while causing a sin in the process.

Undergraduate / "It started with multiple sclerosis" - Northwestern Supplement: In tandem [2]

Are you sure you want the initial drama of saying "Multiple Sclerosis" as your hook? Sounds like you're just using the attention the sickness commands to draw attention to your essay. Maybe tone it down a little. And clarify your next few sentences a bit, I first was misled to believe you were the one who wrote the journal paper.

I'm not sure "reporting the effects of stem cell transplants in treatment for multiple sclerosis" is correct. "reporting the effects of stem cell transplants while treating multiple sclerosis" or "reporting the effectiveness of stem cell transplants in treating multiple sclerosis" maybe?

"What greeted me seemed like a world of opportunities"?
"being engaged in the beautiful city of Chicago" I don't think you can be engaged in a place .

This line seems slight ambiguous: "what is important to me is that Northwestern will walk with me in tandem"

Not correct: "with such parallel with my sentiments while a research student as USDA"

"just honestlyand sincere in describing"

Again, I'm not sure I understand "Walking alongside with ideals in education"

Hope you'll take my comments constructively. I tend to be overly critical. Also, could you critique my answer to a similar prompt for MIT.

Undergraduate / "overly complicated tasks" - saying about me as a person, Common App Essay [3]

I really like your writing. A few doubts though:

Check up on the grammar of "a mere three tasks". I think it might be better phrased as "merely three tasks".

"A train chugs by, parallel to my car"

Also, the context you've used staunch in, doesn't seem correct.

"Any small perturbations are subsided" doesn't seem right. Also, if you're unlikely to use words like perturbation in day to day life, use a simpler word, like doubts or anxieties.

"comic relief of my day". I don't think most of the experience was all that funny, except for the cows' smell and the stop sign joke. Maybe just the relief of the day. And why is the beauty of nature infinitesimal (small)?

Lastly, could you have a look at my essay?

Undergraduate / "Basketball: endure a little longer" - choose one extracurricular activity [6]

Nisha bala's advice is pretty comprehensive, so I'm just gonna add to it.

Yeah, get rid of the first couple of sentences. Maybe show them more than tell
"It was the 1998 NBA finals between Chicago Bulls and Utah Jazz, and I was mesmerized. The passion, the physical collision between players, the powerful dunks, the electrifying speed - everything about that series locked my eyes onto the basketball players and their performances, to give me an exhilerating first experience with basketball. , and that was my first true impression about basketball and I knew I was addicted. Before I knew it, I was addicted."

could read as below:

"I sat with my eyes glued to the television, mesmerized by the powerful dunks, the electrifying speed. It was the 1998 NBA Finals between Chicago Bulls and Utah Jazz - my first taste of basketball had me hooked."

Its more concise, and leaves out some parts I was unsure about, like the physical collisions and eyes locked part.

"I threw myself into the basketball". Unless you actually threw yourself into a ball :P

"the difficult, grinding fundamentals" -> "I struggled with the fundamentals. I would shoot the ball till my arms hurt, and run across the court till I collapsed."

This sentence sounds slightly odd because it doesn't maintain a tense:
"My passion towards the game of basketball never ends; even though when I suffered a severe injury on my right knee in Grade 11"

"My motto in basketball is to always" endure a little longer". Regarding this motto as my newfound inner strength, I was able to follow my own "

"My basketball motto, "endure a little longer", gave me strength. I was able to follow...

Otherwise, really nice, moving piece.

Could you two please help me with the essay linked below? Thanks

Undergraduate / Chemistry, Global Network, John Lennon - NYU Supplement [4]

Down to 507:

Chemistry truly stimulates my intellectual curiosity. It intrigues me how chemical reactions in our body keep us alive and how, without modern chemistry, pharmaceuticals would cease to exist.

I saw the scope Chemistry had while volunteering at my local hospital. I was amazed at how powerfully chemistry applied to industrial and medicinal development. I believe the College of Arts and Sciences at NYU will help enhance my passion for chemistry and garner insight about how it can be applied to real life.

Could you guys help me with the essay linked to, below? Thanks in advance.

Undergraduate / "My India nationality and in-the-middle personality is up for grabs." - UC 1 [9]

This is the best-written essay I've seen on this forum so far. Honestly. Just some hiccups.

How about "the disparity between opulence and poverty" instead of "beyond its stark juxtaposition of opulence and abject poverty".

While this statement may be true, it sounds overly condescending, maybe you can be more PC here: "India stigmatizes children studying humanities, forcing students with the slightest scientific inclination to study the 'hard sciences' that would guarantee them a job."

"figuratively forced". Meh. Get rid of figuratively.

"made me despair of ever finding one field". The grammar here isn't right. Maybe something like "made me lose any hopes of ever finding a field". Get advice about this from some teacher maybe.

The reason for the contrast here "On the other hand, I never memorize formulae, but derive them during a test." wasn't quite clear at first. American readers may not immediately get the reference that Indian education stresses rote-based learning. Maybe make your thesis statement clearer here.

That's a powerful ending. And if you use bombastic vocabulary in real life, then go ahead and use it here, don't remove it. It sounds like your natural voice, and isn't misused anywhere.

I would appreciate some feedback on my essay too. You seem like a good writer, so I would like to know what you think about the essay linked to below.

Undergraduate / Death of my grandmother: William And Mary Essay [14]

Wow. Again, thats powerful writing that also conveys a lot of positive attributes of yours through a description of her. Last sentence seems incomplete though. "That's my inspiration, my incentive, to and succeed"

Undergraduate / "Baseball and its Lessons" Common App Essay [9]

Yeah, I was also expecting a movie-style ending where you suddenly get a home-run or whatever (I don't know the sport much, I'm not American). But I like the way you've ended, coz what matters isn't the result but your spirit to step up and face the challenge and despair head-on.

I didn't spot any glaring grammatical mistakes.

If I must give some feedback, I would recommend toning down the self-criticism in the first half a bit. Don't give such a negative impression of yourself first. I know its critical to emphasize the transformation later, but don't make it so drastic

Undergraduate / Commonapp essay significant event about a midnight adventure and a club task [6]

Your content is really cool and interesting, but it could be expressed better. There aren't many individual grammar mistakes that I noticed, but overall, the writing style could be better. Also, try to remove some of the irrelevant details to make the writing more terse.

Undergraduate / "Success is a measure of how well one has utilized the resources available" -commonap [5]

That was a really powerful essay. I could almost feel your pain. However, your first couple of sentences sounded slightly too preachy. Maybe you could one of them to somewhere later in your writing, in the context of your own struggles to attain success.

Undergraduate / MIT: Political Science Passion & Adaptability [7]

I like the first two ones a lot.

When I got to the third one, I realised you could have used your international background for your third essay, but used it effectively for the second one instead. That card isn't quite played right in the last one. I'm curious as to what government actions you protested before you were eight? Have you maybe exaggerated a bit?

Also, probably not a good idea to insult the major you're choosing with "I've been told they a waste of my intelligence".

Undergraduate / Princeton Favorite: book, website, recording, inspiration, quote, movie, friend, word [3]

Why have you posted this? Do you want us to give you feedback on your favorite things?