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Posts by dumbdumb
Joined: Mar 29, 2011		 Last Post: May 9, 2011
Threads: 2
Posts: 20  
From: Pakistan

Displayed posts: 22
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dumbdumb   
Mar 30, 2011
Writing Feedback / The Traffic Accident- Free writting- Only Topic. [5]

amazingly everyone was fine
amazingly no one was hurt
they sound like repeated sentences. you might want to change the second one.

fter passing several kilo meters of the wayjourney finally we reached to a hill
when suddenly some stones and material thrown on street i don't really get this sentence.

n u mentioned bribe. bribe for what?? a car accident??

the narration is good but you need to work on expressing your thoughts and feelings
dumbdumb   
Apr 12, 2011
Writing Feedback / All my life i had been wrong and now i had to pay! [12]

I sat there panting heavily, hot tears rolled down my cheeks and my heart beat raised to a rate i had never experienced before , making it hard for me to breathe. In this narrow, dark ally on this harsh, cold night, i felt like i had been transported into one of those horror movies with a full moon, dirty trash cans and black cats here and there. But what other choice did I have? they were looking for us. me and Momi, and they weren't going to to rest until they found us...

Momi wasn't much of a companion at this terrifying moment, looking at her just added added to my fears. Her paralyzed body lay in my arms, she was pale from the shock and the drain of blood, her lips slightly parted, as if she wanted to say something to me, and a single tear rolled down her right cheek. I felt sorry and angry at the same time, she was in such a miserable condition but after all it was her fault that we were in this situation.

I had always thought Momi was a little stupid but tonight she had proved me wrong! she wasn't stupid, she was insane!
We were out in the city much later than usual, roaming around aimlessly on my scooter. Tired and bored of all the travelling I stopped the scooter near a park. The park was usually lit up but whenever there was a full moon the lights remained closed so people stayed away from the park that day. But of course if normal people stayed away from the place Momi had to go there. So as soon as i had stopped the scooter she rushed towards the park followed by me trying my best to stop her. As we reached the gate our mouth dropped open at the sight.

All these years i had lived a life of delusion. ignoring true facts and storied by calling them myths and legends. All these years I had turned away from the truth, but not anymore! now I knew the reality, now I knew they existed, now I knew that goblins were real...

they weren't anything like books had described them, they were much worse! Their huge faces were mostly covered by their large, yellow, pupil-less eyes, they had cat like ears, a small dog like tail and an over all disgusting appearance with their shiny, baggy, moss-green skin. the shock would have taken everyone for a few seconds but after that anyone in their right mind would have fled. But then again who said Momi was a right minded person?

i have only written 1/3rd of the story right now but i still hope you help me out in improving it...
dumbdumb   
Apr 13, 2011
Writing Feedback / All my life i had been wrong and now i had to pay! [12]

dude ur corrections actully messed up my essay! im not taking about mi mom! its Momi its a name

and this sentence u just edited for me "They, mom and I weren't going to to rest..." makes no sense at all

and the reason i didnt add the "and" there is because there was gonna b an and after that
Her paralyzed body lay in my arms, and she was pale from the shock and the drain of blood

nd the last edit "She wasn't stupid, she was but insane!" takes away the intensity and emotions of the sentence!
any ways thanks for trying to help
dumbdumb   
Apr 19, 2011
Writing Feedback / All my life i had been wrong and now i had to pay! [12]

this is the continuation of the story:

She pulled out her camera and took a snap shot with the flash light on... This grabbed their attention and they turned to us. I was in much shock and could barely move so Momina had to drag me to the scooter. We fled and i couldn't help asking her what she had been thinking, she tried her justifications with me saying she now had proof of the existence of goblins but who was going to believe her? People would just say that the picture had been fake or animated. But i had no time to pour my anger out on her. Even at the speed of 120 km/hour the goblins were quickly catching up until i finally turned into a brighter lane, they suddenly disappeared and i thought we had lost them but I soon realized they were moving right beside us in the shadows of the trees.

I sped up the scooter and turned into a darkened lane and as soon as I did so they leapt at us grabbing Momina and pulling her off the scooter. My heart skipped a beat and I lost control of the scooter which slipped throwing me 10 feet off the spot. By the time I recovered and rushed back to Momina they had already given her several injuries. She had been paralyzed and bitten at several places. They stuck to her like leaches and didn't let her out of their grasp, until finally lights from a passing-by car scared them off.

I took the chance and grabbing Momina by her shoulders, i began dragging her off to safety. It took me all my efforts to do so but I succeeded. Thats how we ended up here in this ally between these trash-cans. But now, after sitting here and going over the story I realized that I had made the stupidest mistake anyone could possibly make! The goblins were scared of the light and only came out when there was a full moon, that is why they had been avoiding the lit up street! That is why the lights of the park were always turned off on nights of a full moon! that is why the goblins attacked us after the flash! And here I was, hiding in the darkest possible place i could find.

What could I do now? I had already come here and there was no possible way i could survive if I attempted to get out of here. All I had to do was to get through the night and I would be safe. Well, at least I had the flash in Momina's camera to help me if the goblins found us... who was I kidding! It wasn't going to be any help! I was trying to be optimistic but with a paralyzed friend in one hand and a cell-phone with no network in the other, it was kind of difficult. We were going to die here and there was nothing any one could do to save us now! I heard rustling nearby and realized that the chase was finally over... The first ray of the morning sun came out to renew my hopes. The sun had given us a new life and we were grateful to it creator.

As the sunlight finally spread over the night sky I picked Momina up and headed home. We had survived, the goblins were gone and we were safe.. well at least till the next full moon.
dumbdumb   
Apr 22, 2011
Undergraduate / "mother's health problem and school activities" - admission letter [3]

I used to take of my mother
im guessing this sentence is not complete

she passed on to better place last year.

I ended up developing my own health problem

I am taking care of health concern I am not worried, anxious or restless. something is wrong here but i cnt exaktly spot what it is!

As result, I started thinking about my future.
1stly it shud be asa result..
secondly as a result of what??

I will be going to Nairobi, Kenya to explore the progress they/we ( which ever you mean to write here) have achieved.

i think sympathy isnt the best way to go about an admission letter
dumbdumb   
May 2, 2011
Essays / how to work on directed writing [14]

just as i thought:) well the teenagers wala thing u rote was kindda xeeding the word limit by 50 - 70 words! u do no dat once the word count is above 500 words the examiner wouldnt bother reading it?

which school do u go to?? arnt the teachers ny help? im doing my o levels too:) well as far as directed writing is concerned never go for argumentative writing! descriptive are the easiest and if you have a wild kindda imagination then go for the one word topics and write a story on it! o btw if you write a narrative make sure it has no dialouges and always write the narrative or story in past tense.

in case of a descriptive essay avoid repetition of words and use lost ov adjectives for a single characteristic like maybe wn talking about someones eyes you could write HIS SHINING, DEEP BLUE EYES or HER SOFT, ROSY RED LIPS . in case of a story set the scene first (describe the sounds smell and things around you) and then add in alotta emotions into the story! :) O and one last thing watever you choose to write, alwayz make a plan first! seperate half n hour for planning and the 2nd half for actuallu ritin d story!

hope i was helpful enuf:)
dumbdumb   
May 3, 2011
Essays / how to work on directed writing [14]

o nice im in karachi:) the city school PAF chapter
luckily i hav gud teachers:) tell me how ur results turn out in aug:) maybe we' talk again then:)
dumbdumb   
May 5, 2011
Essays / how to work on directed writing [14]

Inshallah:) best ov luk 2 u:) umm on d same day as u! 9th and 11th may

btw im nt expecting an a* buh hopefully ill get atleast n a:) A* in english is a relly big thing! nd kindda hard to get! plus im kindda bad at d 2nd paper:P
dumbdumb   
May 7, 2011
Writing Feedback / "You have done it son", i was proud of myself! [10]

"Yes!" I shouted in excitement, I had been selected for giving a speech on how government can improve education system in rural areas at Pakistan national assembly, without any doubt this was a very important occasion in my life. Out of 200 students it was me who was selected. Obviously after my name was called out by my principle there were many jealous faces that I saw among the students. Even the teachers were surprised, because I was not one of the best at giving speeches. But I had to prove all of them wrong,

Immediately after reaching home I informed my parents, who were thrilled to hear this amazing news. Though my speech was more than a month later, I had started my preparations the same day. After days and days of hard-work I finally came up with the perfect speech. The month flew by practicing and the day finally arrived...

Tring....!!! , went the piercing alarm bell, and I jumped off my bed hurriedly. "Today is my day", I uttered to myself. I put on my favorite Zara suit and went tearing down the stairs. After eating a healthy breakfast, I, with my whole family, headed to the national affairs. As we approached I saw that the school administration had already arrived. "I can do this", I tried to reassure myself. As we entered the hall, we were welcomed warmly by some of the ministers. A cold chill ran down my spine when my name was called out by the honorable speaker. My legs shivered, I stood frozen, my heart was in my mouth and I thought I would faint any minute. The whole crowd stared at me as I walked up the stage and I could hear my heart beating inside my ribcage, "its just another speech Hassan", I muttered to myself in nervousness. As I started the speech everything went fine. For the first few seconds I was really nervous but gradually as I gained confidence, my speech became even better. It was pleasing and encouraging to see the proud faces of my parents and my teachers who had supported and helped me in enhancing my speaking skills.

With sheer confidence I walked off the stage and was congratulated by the honorable speaker and other ministers present. I felt extremely ecstatic to see my parents and my principle overjoyed after my speech. "You have done it son", my father exclaimed in excitement and hearing this, a smile of satisfaction spread across my face. If my dad was proud of me, I was proud of myself!

Hassan Ali Khan.
dumbdumb   
May 7, 2011
Writing Feedback / "You have done it son", i was proud of myself! [10]

o yaeh rajiv dats cuz i didnt rite it:P
this is basically my id but my friend hassan rote it and posted it here! he wntd help on improving it!
dumbdumb   
May 9, 2011
Writing Feedback / "You have done it son", i was proud of myself! [10]

thanx kevin:) n ankita i think its awsum buh i cnt say much cuz im jus in 11th grade:) kevin kn prolly help u out

so start a new thread about it:)
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