Writing Feedback / Optimistic about 21st century?positive change or not?--IELTS [8]

Hi Kevin.
I have just wandered into your site and have been reviewing the short essay by Jennifer Zhang. I have an MA in TESL and a M.Sc in Mgt and have taught EAP (English for academic purposed) in both the pre and in sessional form for the past 15 years in the UK university system. Can I be of help with your editing?

In respect to Ms. Zhang's work, she makes some good points but her introduction and conclusion are incorrectly structured. She should state her thesis and her argument position and her form of writing in the introduction, not in the conclusion. A conclusion is a synthesis of arguments made in the body and can not be used to introduce new arguments. Please advise.

Thanks.
Roger Bishop

Essays / Help with argumentive essay on Canadians peacekeeping [4]

LinkHeroOfTime
Argumentative essay on Canadians peacekeeping in foreign countries

Hi Mathew.

While a strong interest in a topic is important, it is not enough. You have to consider what position you can back up with reasoning. It's one thing to have a strong belief, but when shaping an argument you'll have to explain why your belief is reasonable and logical. You have to decide what position you are going to argue and you have to consider such aspects of cost and benefits, cause and effect and comparison and contrasts.

Firstly I recommend that you narrow your focus on what missions you are going to discuss and what you are going to argue. You have three choices to argue these missions have been beneficial, non beneficial or both beneficial and non beneficial. For example what was the main cause for the peace keeping actions in Cyprus, Rwanda, Somalia, Bosnia, Croatia? Would you argue it was to stop ethnic cleansing? If you are going to argue this on what ground are you going to argue it? So the Christians are killing the Moslems in Croatia or the Hutu are killing the Tutsi in Rwanda, so what? Why should we step in the middle and put Canadian lives at risk? Consider Cyprus for example, has there been any benefit gained? If so what and by whom? Has the $ cost to the Canadian tax payer been worth it in the preservation of human life? Have there been any direct or indirect benefits to Canada?

Your essay must consist of three individual but interlinked sections. The introduction which tells your readers what you are going to write about, how you are going to write about in argumentative, cause and effect and so on, and most importantly what potion you are going to take on the argument.

In the body each paragraph must on one and only one aspect of your arguments with the first paragraph being the most important argument, the nest the second most important and so on.

The conclusion syntheses or summarizes the main points of your body and concludes with a prediction by you or you leave your readers with a question to think about. Do not introduce new arguments into the conclusion.

I hope that this helps and please remember to change you line spacing to 1.5 . If I can assist further please contact me. Good luck with this.

Roger Bishop

Writing Feedback / In North Korea it is illegal to question people in authority, thus its most corrupt country in world [4]

Hi William.
In your introduction concerning your position on the importantance of the right to question the ideas and decisions of the authority? Restate your thesis, your position and how you will defend your argument so that your readers will understand where you are going. You may wish to define whose authority (Government)?

From the examination of these two opposite countries,

(Are you examining the countries or the systems or political rights and civil liberties?) it is proved that questioning people ( or having the rights to question people?)

in authority is important to society and that a country can neither develop nor flourish without a communication channel with its citizens.

It is usual to finish your conclusion with a observation or prediction which you have done but also attempt to leave your readers with a question to think about.

I hope that this helps. Good luck.
Roger Bishop

Essays / Help with argumentive essay on Canadians peacekeeping [4]

Hi Mathew.

In response. If you are going to write you have to open your mind, nothing is black or white. You can argue that Canada should, or should not become involved in peace keeping.

You indicate that you have to make three arguments supporting or not supporting our ( I am Canadian) peace keeping duties. You have to argue, based on the evidance, yes or no, but your arguments must be based on fact, not opinion. The questions that you have to ask your self and find the evidance for are:

Did the Canadian contribution reduce ethnic cleansing?

Did the Canadian contribution bring a degree of political stability to the region?

Did the Canadian military contribution bring economic benefit and financial stability to the region that is present today?

Did Canada's stock go up in global politics because of what our forces did? Maybe that is why Prime Minister Pearson won the Nobel prize for peace.

Unfortunately I do not know what you are writing in respect to the length of you paper. Do you need to cite with referencing bibliography?

Hope this helps. If not please contact me.
Roger

Essays / How to compare and contrast myself and another member of my family? [9]

Hi Yeong.
I taught in Asia for a few years. What is your gender and what is your nationality? I would be happy to offer some comments. My name is Roger Bsihop

Writing Feedback / Impact of technology on how people interact with each other [6]

Hi Jie Zhang

I have just reviewed your essay and it has a good structure with some minor grammatical mistakes but those can be easily fixed. I recommend that you should look at your work and then look at the revisions R1, R2, and so on. Your conclusion needs a little restructuring. You atart of ok with in conclusion and your concluding sentence is good but the main objective is to summarize the main points that you have made in the body of your work. If you are going to introduce government censorship it has to be part of the body structure not the conclusion; we cannot introduce new information in the conclusion. Are you getting ready to write the IELTS? All in all your work is not bad, if I can help further let me know. Good luck.

Roger

Writing Feedback / economic development vs environment ---IELTS [8]

You write well Jennifer, your writing frame is correctly structured and your work has a good flow of arguments.

Research Papers / Classical Mythology - Which of these Thesis Statements is the best? [3]

Shakespeare's allusion to classical mythology in many of his works offers considerable evidence that he was familiar with Ovid's Metamorphoses

In his writings Shakespear often appers to alludes to classical methodology, can this be considedred as evidance that he was familiar with Ovid's Metamorohoses?

If you set the thesis up as a question it is easer to choose your position in an argumentative essay. "can this be considerd as evidance that he was famiiar with Ovid's Metamorphoese?" The writer (you) believes that the evidance points to the fact that he (was) (was not) (may have been)

Hope that this helps.

Writing Feedback / economic development vs environment ---IELTS [8]

Hi Jennifer.
You are correct; you can make a recommendation as a component of your conclusion in addition to the summary off the main arguments and leaving your readers with a question to think about. When I reviewed your writing your " I suppose that " may be interpreted as providing a new argument. Keeping in mind that your argument is that there can be a balance achieved between development and environment may I recommend a slightly different wording within the framework of your conclusion such as "to achieve this balance between economic development and environmental protection it appears that second world developing economies may require assistance from first world countries in the forms of financial technical assistance in resolving this issue."

This takes the "I"out of it and puts it at arm's length. In academic writing we attempt to stay away for "I" through the use of the third person "the writer". There is a bit of a debate about the use of first or third person and it's your teachers call, but I ask my classes to write in the third person. Sorry, I did not mean to confuse you. As an observation and comment I congratulate you on your second language writing skills.

Grammar, Usage / How to say the head of Chinese Department, Institution of Humanity and Law / FDI Investment [6]

To.
The Hebei University of Technology
Address
Faculty of Humanity and Law
Attention: (Name), Chinese Departmental Head

This is one way to do it. Good Luck.

Research Papers / trying to make a survey (information on tutoring during summer) [2]

SUMMER SCHOOL SURVEY

1 Gender: M F

2 Are you a: Undergraduate Post graduate

3 What year of the program are you in:

4 Have you previously taken summer school programs : Y N (If no; go to question #8 )

5 In previous summer programs was tutorial assistance required: Y N

6 If yes, was it available: Y N

7 If yes, what was your satisfaction level:
1Very Satisfied 2 Satisfied 3 Acceptable 4 Dissatisfied 5 Very Dissatisfied.

8 Are you planning to do summer sessions this year: Y N

9 If yes, will you require tutorial assistance: Yes Unknown Probably Not

10 If yes, have you made arrangement for a tutor yet Y N

11 Do you think that tutorial assistance will be available Y Unknown N

Hi Hakim
Usually surveys attempt to slot people by gender, age and so on, in this case UG and PG as it helps to focus your research. I did this very quickly and by any stretch of the imagination it is not "the perfect survey" but I hope that it will provide you with some additional think points. Good luck. RB

Research Papers / Starting an Original Research Paper on Teen Pregnancy [8]

Wou may wish to start by doing some reasearch, this may be a good place to start your review. enotes.com/soc/q-and-a/hypothesis-teenage-pregnancy-who-bec ome-parents-103529. Do you mean teenage pregnancy when married or single?

Writing Feedback / (new recovery drink) one part of my essay: conclusion and remmendation [3]

Hi Zhang Jie
Are you writing an essay or a marketing report? If it's an academic essay it has to be written in a formal style, if it is a marketing report it can be semi-formal. If it's an academic essay your information has to be presented in the body and the conclusion is simply that, the conclusion. A conclusion has three main objectives. 1 It summarizes the main arguments made in the body, 2. The author makes comments/observations and/or recommendations, 3 it leaves the reader with a question to think about You cannot introduce new information in the conclusion, if it's a marketing study you can. Hope this helps. If you need additional advice or have questions send me an email at rbishop4043@yahoo.ca