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Posts by joeservidio
Joined: Oct 27, 2011
Last Post: Oct 30, 2011
Threads: 3
Posts: 10  
From: America

Displayed posts: 13
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joeservidio   
Oct 27, 2011
Undergraduate / 'the same dream about my father every night' - Georgetown - Early Action [5]

The Admissions Committee would like to know more about you in your own words. Please submit a brief essay, either personal or creative, which you feel best describes you.

It is the same dream every night; my father hands me a small envelope addressed by my first-choice college, and I hastily glide my finger under the flap to open the letter and read the only words that appear in big font: "CONGRATULATIONS. YOU HAVE BEEN ACCEPTED!" My hands begin to shake with exaltation as my father, reading the letter along side of me, lays his hand on my shoulder in approbation. His distinct hands instantly catch my attention. My father's hands are like bear's paws, thick and brawny. His hands are as versatile as they come, steadily holding power tools for hours in the morning, and then dexterously preparing family dinner at night. His hands are direct representations of the arduous hardships he has endured after years of sacrifice to support our family. His hands, enveloped in a taut layer of dry skin, are cracked and scratched and burned and bruised. His hands are permanently scarred with psoriatic arthritis, a disease enflamed from his hours of work, outside in the dead of winter, without gloves. I look again at my letter. My own hard work, which has included long days spent at school participating in over ten extracurricular activities, and long nights spent studying for exams, has finally paid off. I am ready to begin molding my own hands into dexterous tools, so I can one day recompense my father for all the selfless sacrifices he has made to benefit me. I bask in the warmth of accomplishment that has begun to engulf my entire body.
joeservidio   
Oct 27, 2011
Undergraduate / STANFORD ESSAYS: PARALLEL UNIVERSES AND LETTER TO ROOMMATE [5]

I'm so excited to meet you [comma] and start this new chapter in life with you! I may seem shy at first but, when I do open up, I apologize...

However [comma] I believe it would best describe me if you called me a solid friend. ..and A batch of dark chocolate brownies to cheer you up. However [comma] I am a slow to anger...

I love the colloquial style of writing in the second essay. It's personal and descriptive. I think you nailed it! I really don't think grammar is going to count for much in the second essay since it's meant to be a note to a friend, but i figured adding a few more commas couldn't hurt. Good luck :)
joeservidio   
Oct 27, 2011
Undergraduate / 'The business world requirements' - Georgetown Essay - Early Action [3]

Briefly describe the factors that have influenced your interest in studying business.

There are seven continents compromised of nearly two hundred different countries filled with approximately seven billion people who speak more than six thousand and five hundred different languages. In a world this vast and diverse, a person can be easily obstructed by many barriers while trying to expand his horizons. As an aspiring international business student, it is imperative that I learn how to overcome these barriers, a goal that I am confident the McDonough School of Business will help me accomplish. Although humans may speak different languages, live in different parts of the world, and practice different faiths, everyone shares common goals - goals that revolve around business. The business world requires all people, regardless of race or creed, to form opinions, eloquently express ideas, and work diligently towards set goals.


For the past four years, I have worked sedulously to improve these essential requirements through my participation in numerous extracurricular activities, ranging from Student Government to my own business, JS Photography. Working in a social setting, forming opinions, and expressing my ideas have always been innate skills of mine. However, I have only been able to exercise my abilities on a small, high school scale. With a Georgetown education in business, I will be able to extend my passions to an international level. For instance, Georgetown's exceptional study abroad program will allow me to be a part of the more than fifty percent of students who travel to one of thirty-five countries to receive a better understanding of international business, a career that interests me. Also, the McDonough School of Business Alumni Mentor Program will help me apply the tools that my Georgetown education has equipped me with in a corporate setting. All of these programs, and the countless other opportunities Georgetown has to offer, will facilitate my aspiration to become an international chemical engineer. Utilizing Georgetown's joint program with Columbia, I plan to graduate with both my bachelor's degree in international business and my master's degree in chemical engineering. However, before entering graduate school, a strong foundation in international business is crucial. A degree from the McDonough School of Business will open invaluable opportunities for me to collaborate with others who, although may not come from the same country or speak the same language as me, share similar business goals. 


The business world requires people to effectively communicate ideas and leverage analytical and problem solving skills to exceed set goals. In a world this vast and diverse, these skills are pivotal. Since a young age, I have been interested in business and, therefore, undertook leadership roles in numerous extracurricular activities. With a Georgetown education in business, I will be able to expand my horizons to an international level and work with others who, although may not come from the same background as me, have equivalent aspirations. The McDonough School of Business will help me establish myself as not only a contributing leader in the workplace, but also an influential human being in the world.
joeservidio   
Oct 27, 2011
Undergraduate / 'you'll be my first' - Stanford Supplement B. - Dear Roommate [5]

Hey, Alexi! Here are some revision I made off the top of my head while reading over your paper. You don't have to take any of the suggestions since, well, they're only suggestions. lol I really liked your paper, I would just make sure you don't stray too far off topic or scatter yourself all over the place - jumping from idea to idea. The paper really shows that you're fun and easygoing. Good luck with Stanford! It has always been my favorite school !
joeservidio   
Oct 30, 2011
Writing Feedback / corrections in my essay "aspects of teenage life" [18]

heyy, this is really good. after reading the first few sentences, i was nervous that your claim was a little too radical. however, you supported it fantastically. i agree with all the corrections already stated above. i just wanted to tell you that i liked your essay :)
joeservidio   
Oct 30, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Mt. Hope Cemetery' - UVa prompt: where do you like to get "lost" [5]

i agree with cherrybomb. try revising the sentences in the second paragraph. just as a suggestion, i would try to make the last few sentences tie your entire paper together and end on a happier note. (talk about the insight you received from going to the cemetery)
joeservidio   
Oct 30, 2011
Undergraduate / 'we returned her home' - UChicago Essay [3]

i think you answered the prompt :) it was really good, just add a little at the end to make the essay come full circle
joeservidio   
Oct 30, 2011
Undergraduate / 'the Student Government Organization' - Georgetown Early Action Short Response [3]

In the space available discuss the significance to you of the school or summer activity in which you have been most involved.

Throughout my four years of high school, I have been most involved with the Student Government Organization. Having won four elections, I have been president of my class since freshman year. Without a doubt, being president of my class has had the most significant impact on me.

As a freshman, I attempted to join every club available, wanting to be a part of every opportunity my school had to offer. I soon realized that, in order to succeed, I needed to centralize my interests. As president of my class, I am able to integrate everything I am passionate about to support one cause. Through the Student Government Organization, I have been able to raise money for my class, connect the student body through multiple community service activities and fundraising events, and enhance my own abilities as a leader.

As a freshman, I also had a difficult time working with others on group assignments. However, after participating in the Student Government Organization, I realized that I would not be able to succeed without the help of my peers. Delegating jobs, working in groups, and trusting my peers have quickly transformed into my unique strengths as an individual. Through the Student Government Organization, I have learned how to effectively balance my own abilities with the abilities of my peers to succeed.

The Student Government Organization has had the most significant impact on me. Having won four elections, I have dedicated myself as president of my class for four years. Without a doubt, the Student Government Organization has taught me invaluable skills that have made me a better leader and individual.
joeservidio   
Oct 30, 2011
Undergraduate / 'a chance to animate around the world' - Rutgers University is a vibrant community [3]

Rutgers University is a widely known for its vibrant background and culture. While living in different countries of the world[comma] I have learned to accept and adapted too many different cultures and backgrounds. Therefore[comma] my experiences have helped me look at and understand people with different perspective. As said by Norman Peale "Change your thoughts and you change your world." [this is ]A saying that reflects on my life. Which makes me believe that fitting in at Rutgers would be simple.
joeservidio   
Oct 30, 2011
Undergraduate / 'knowledge and self-discovery' - UPenn supplement [5]

The aroma of knowledge and self-discovery fill the air of the (at) University of Pennsylvania. (While) Taking a tour of the extensive research utilities (facilities) and elaborate libraries, I was suddenly awestruck. Having 165 research centers and institutes, UPenn serves its duty in being an esteemed institution. Stepping into these buildings, I visualized myself with a variety of books in hand (ranging from anatomy and physiology to the culture of Spain), my Starbucks coffee, and (comma) not to mention (comma) a group of quirky, intellectual individuals surrounding me. I conceptualized the idea of taking advantage of such a vast campus that was situated in the midst of University City, just across Center City Philadelphia.

Constituted as one of the world's leading research universities, the School of Arts and Sciences illustrates a rather striking portrait of education. Not only does it encompass a variety of innovative and diverse programs, but it also provides exceptional opportunities for those in the pre-medicine realm. Of course many other prospective students are striving to get accepted into this program. Nonetheless, my science background and experiences truly shed light on my desire to become a member of the UPenn community. (try combining these into one)

Becoming involved in Science Olympiad has allowed me to broaden my knowledge of medicine. Meticulously examining each body system and learning the names as if they were part of the alphabet gave me a taste of what is down the road for me. Dynamically, I drew diagrams of the functionality of these systems to further solidify my knowledge. Prepping day and night until the day of the competition truly made me a shoo-in for victory. This experience allowed me to expand my knowledge. (ergo might be a little too "stiff" of a word for this context) Ergo, I hope I can experience the same type of atmosphere at UPenn in order to satisfy my hunger for science.

Another facet I find to be optimum is my early exposure to medicine. As a sophomore, I chose to volunteer at a Children's hospital in Ahmedabad, India. I was astonished by the hospital's modest resources where staff often found themselves inundated with patients. Such a circumstance pushed me to become involved in community development. In the morning, I spent my time in the hospital assisting nurses with basic medical care such as tossing linens and transporting patients. Other afternoons were then dedicated to teaching the local children in a school adjacent to the hospital. Thus, the knowledge I attained, the people I met, and the positive change that I helped affect has changed my life and the way in which I perceive the world. But above all, I have this desire to learn through a line of inquiry and to apply the acquired knowledge to help in any way I can. For this reason, I do believe that I can ultimately realize my steadfast ambition to make meaningful contributions in the pre-medicine realm at the School of Arts and Sciences in UPenn. I hope you will give me the privilege of making my dreams come true through the education and mentorship from the faculty at your reputable institution.

Your essay is awesome! i am sure upenn's gonna love it!
joeservidio   
Oct 30, 2011
Undergraduate / 'knowledge and self-discovery' - UPenn supplement [5]

i would focus a little less on what you did in high school and a little more on what you will do while at upenn. like how you will utilize the facilities upenn has to offer (this is what i think after reading the prompt)
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