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Posts by amadan
Joined: Nov 27, 2011
Last Post: Dec 28, 2011
Threads: 1
Posts: 9  
From: Canada

Displayed posts: 10
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amadan   
Nov 27, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Curiosity whispers in my ear' - Common Application [7]

Hello cyber friends! I've posted two of my essays below for the Common App. The first is for the prompt 'topic of your choice' and the second is a response to 'please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below'. It's a little nerve-wracking to put myself out there because I feel that writing is one of my weakest qualities. I would really appreciate any feedback. All criticism is welcome! Thanks :)

ESSAY 1: TOPIC OF YOUR CHOICE

Curiosity whispers in my ear.
It is responsible for getting me into the most peculiar of situations. Curiosity compelled me to hike up Panorama Ridge just to see if the view of Vancouver's Garibaldi Lake looks as surreal as the postcards claim. The water was the same, exquisite shade of blue. It has provoked me to do myriad things of questionable sensibility, like tasting ox tongue and durian - the only fruit that is banned in public places (just remember to plug your nose). Curiosity can be blamed for evoking the relentless use of how and why in my vocabulary.

As a child, I would wander off in search of secret passageways, as if I was an explorer searching for a piece of undiscovered history. My voracious Curiosity has shown me the value of the pursuit of knowledge; that there is merit in the adventure itself. It feeds my insatiable hunger to empathize with others' perspectives. I am fascinated by human interactions, how people like you and me and every other individual, with differing stories and ideologies, are collectively shaping the world.

My affair with lists began early in life. I was eleven when I began to write of the things I wanted to do, experience and understand. I would scribble down all the what-ifs Curiosity stirred in me, as a constant reminder to work towards my goals.

Swing from the chandelier. Meet Jane Goodall. Find my passion. Outwit my sister. That last one hasn't made it off the list...yet.

My bucket list soon became a measure of my growth. Each time I cross something off I impulsively add a new dream to my list.

Swim in bio-luminescent algae. Obliterate the stigma surrounding mental illness. Find another passion. Complete my family tree. Go to university.

My family has always indulged my questions. There is an extra seat for Curiosity at dinner, when my father and I have a good debate over controversies such as synthetic life or illegal organ trade. Or when my sister and I pick apart the meaning behind the lyrics to our favourite songs.

On a solo trip to India in 2010, I lived at an orphanage with 12 street children who had been abused and subjected to psychological trauma. For 3 weeks, I was an honorary Udayan sister. I'm not sure if I taught them more than they taught me: "But Abby, if I wish for something, the opposite will come true". I could not believe what I was hearing. A poisonous ideology had slithered into their minds. They were afraid to dream, strangers to Curiosity.

Watching the sun wake up, it dawned on me that I had been taking Curiosity for granted. It is a privilege, but it should be a basic right. I left each child with a hug, a kiss and a notebook, so they could make their own lists as I was making mine. I am now raising funds for young women to go to university; I want my Udayan sisters to fulfill their lives, while filling their notebooks.

ESSAY 2: EXTRACURRICULAR EXPERIENCE

In the past year, no activity has affected me more than being a volunteer in the Emergency Department at Toronto Western Hospital. The spontaneity of the ER has taught me lessons about myself and provided opportunities to develop skills and overcome fears that would not have been exposed in my otherwise routine life. Every week I embark on an exhilarating and unfamiliar experience. I have seen seizures, heart attacks, anguish, and sorrow in the emergency waiting room. These moments have increased my independence. They have taught me to be a quick and confident decision maker. At the hospital, I am able to see through the window of humanity. What fascinates me is that there is no place more diverse than a hospital, which does not discriminate between the affluent, the underprivileged, the homeless, the rape victim, the colleague, the tourist, or the refugee. It allows me to meet people from all walks of life and expose myself to a broader understanding of life and death.
amadan   
Nov 27, 2011
Undergraduate / Falling into cold water - common app essay - significant experience [5]

I think you have really great ideas, but they're not executed as powerfully as they could be. I am a rower myself, so I can picture your description in the beginning perhaps a little better than others, but I think you should try and implement more imagery into your essay. Try to paint a picture for the reader so they can relate to your experience more easily. :)
amadan   
Nov 27, 2011
Undergraduate / Uc Prompt #1 My love for music and mothers death [4]

I dont like to wake up, I like to stay in my dreams where I have a successful business and make music for a living.

I personally think it would be more effective if you shifted the focus of this essay. Instead of saying that you DONT like to wake up and stay in your dreams, maybe you could say that you LOOK FORWARD to waking up so you can work towards pursuing your dreams and turning them into reality. :)
amadan   
Nov 27, 2011
Undergraduate / "I was once a small seed" UC PROMPT #1 [9]

This is good! Your intro is pretty interesting. I like the consistency of the metaphor throughout.

It was in my later years when I realized that it was being raised around all these people who had such different personalities that had contributed to my unique base.

Change the second "it" to I
Instead of "unique base" maybe you could say..."that had contributed to the depth of my tangled roots" or something to make it more tree like :)
amadan   
Nov 27, 2011
Undergraduate / 'to portray my life' or 'wierd one' or 'about a chat' - common app [13]

I think number 1 sounds really interesting and I would be intrigued to read it because of its uniqueness. However, if you're writing about your life, it may be hard to be concise and specific...maybe try and focus on one specific event in your life?

Please take a look at mine if you've a minute or two!
amadan   
Nov 29, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Curiosity whispers in my ear' - Common Application [7]

Wow, thanks so much for help, guys! I'll definitely check out all your essays.

I'll stick with the first essay and try to change up first and last paragraph like you guys suggested.

My second essay does sound a bit overdone and cliche now that I think about it. I'm sure there are a ton of people out there who write about volunteering in a hospital, so I might change it entirely and write about something more unique, or try and add some imagery of a particular event and take out the generic description. Because really, anyone can say "These moments have increased my independence"...it's not really personal and doesn't say much about me.

Thanks again :)
amadan   
Nov 29, 2011
Undergraduate / "Ubuntu, the spirit of Africa" - UC Prompt #2 [4]

This is a really good essay! Great stuff. I feel like having a quote in the very beginning detracts a bit from the essay, because it doesn't give a first impression of who YOU are. You should be in the spotlight here, not Nelson. Another thing I noticed is that you have a lot of short sentences (especially in your conclusion). While these can be really good because they are succinct and powerful, I think you should try and vary your sentence length (make a few short ones longer or omit them completely) so the short ones can be as powerful as possible. Good luck! :)
amadan   
Nov 29, 2011
Undergraduate / 'I am bewildered' - commonapp essay-My love of nature [23]

I like your second essay better. Even though both are well written, I feel like the second one paints a better picture of you as a person.

You may want to incorporate the stream of consciousness in your intro. This way, instead of describing your thought process, you could show it more clearly. Just a suggestion :)

I like how you tie your into and conclusion together.

After reading your essay, this is what I understood of you:
You love nature because it is mysterious and diverse. You like climbing; you're probably adventurous. You have an imagination.
If this wasn't the message you were trying to get across...you may want to change something. If it was, great job!

Even though this doesn't describe any personal growth, I think it's a good essay. Good luck with uni! Please take a look at my essays if you get the chance.
amadan   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / 'I call it being strong-willed' + 'Newton laws' - Tufts [4]

agreed. i think your first essay is stronger than the second. but the second one is really creative! i think you could make i stronger by cutting down on the use of parentheses. i'm applying to tufts too! best of luck :)
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