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Oct 23, 2012
Undergraduate / 'From unstable childhood to self-motivation and independence' Common App and UMD [3]
I would suggest focusing your narrative on specific events. For example, when you say "Growing up, my grandfather drove us everywhere and made sure that we always ate breakfast. Every Friday night my entire family would get together and have a Sabbath meal with my cousins and grandparents. My loved ones made sure that we felt a part of a family and had a normal childhood; they also helped me understand that although my mom couldn't always be there for me, she still loved me," it's hard for me as a reader to connect emotionally. Perhaps write about a specific family meal or the moment (if there was one) when you had the epiphany about how your mom cared for you.
I'd try and dial down the negativity in your essay. For example, the sentence "So now, I no longer have my grandfather, and I am no longer living with my mom," is redundant (you mentioned both already) and detracts from the " I was still determined to succeed,' tone you want the officers to see. Remember, you want to show them how you managed to overcome difficulties, not tell them how hard your life was.
Finally, I would try a quick read through just to make sure it sounds right. There are some grammatical errors in here, for example " Every challenge has contributed to the parts that add up to the greater sum of me" would probably be better written as "Each challenge I've faced has played a part in how I've developed as an individual,' or "Every challenge has contributed to my growth, adding up to a greater sum: me.' These are just examples of how some sentences can be rewritten to increase their readability and their impact.
Overall, great essay! It is a perfect response to the question and provides essential information on who you are. Just do a little more work, and push for the next week!
I would suggest focusing your narrative on specific events. For example, when you say "Growing up, my grandfather drove us everywhere and made sure that we always ate breakfast. Every Friday night my entire family would get together and have a Sabbath meal with my cousins and grandparents. My loved ones made sure that we felt a part of a family and had a normal childhood; they also helped me understand that although my mom couldn't always be there for me, she still loved me," it's hard for me as a reader to connect emotionally. Perhaps write about a specific family meal or the moment (if there was one) when you had the epiphany about how your mom cared for you.
I'd try and dial down the negativity in your essay. For example, the sentence "So now, I no longer have my grandfather, and I am no longer living with my mom," is redundant (you mentioned both already) and detracts from the " I was still determined to succeed,' tone you want the officers to see. Remember, you want to show them how you managed to overcome difficulties, not tell them how hard your life was.
Finally, I would try a quick read through just to make sure it sounds right. There are some grammatical errors in here, for example " Every challenge has contributed to the parts that add up to the greater sum of me" would probably be better written as "Each challenge I've faced has played a part in how I've developed as an individual,' or "Every challenge has contributed to my growth, adding up to a greater sum: me.' These are just examples of how some sentences can be rewritten to increase their readability and their impact.
Overall, great essay! It is a perfect response to the question and provides essential information on who you are. Just do a little more work, and push for the next week!