Unanswered [6] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by Aliyev
Joined: Jan 27, 2013		 Last Post: Jan 29, 2013
Threads: 3
Posts: 7  
From: Kazakhstan

Displayed posts: 10
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Aliyev   
Jan 27, 2013
Undergraduate / Astana's competition ; UBC - How I responded to a significant challenge [3]

Please correct the errors.

Topic:Explain how you responded to a significant challenge that you have encountered and what you learned in the process. (maximum 200 words)

Sometimes even teenagers can give a help for their parents. Majority of them don't understand and don't use their chance to make their parents' life easier. In my opinion to do this is duty of every person.

In 10th grade it was crucial to my parents to receive help from me. Since they paid for my school we had adversity with money. I searched for different possibilities and finally found out that I will get discount if I get a place in Astana's competition among programmers. I decided to achieve this; however my teacher didn't know appropriate programming language and I hadn't any other choice except studying by myself. I never thought that I will be completely fascinated by this activity. From the first program, I made, I understood that I want to do this my entire life, but even so, the work, I planned to do, was enormous. I used to take small netbook to school and study during brakes while my peers rested. Moreover, I stayed on in school for 2 extra hours.

Eventually, my diligence was rewarded. I received discount in addition to 3rd place in competition.

Thanks!
Aliyev   
Jan 28, 2013
Undergraduate / Successful entrepreneur in a business career; Exceptional talents - NUS admission [5]

I have an ambitious dream to be a successful entrepreneur in a business career

I had an ambitious dream...

I have enroll myself

something bizzare here...maybe you should write just I enrolled instead.

CAT course attaining a Diploma in Business and Accounting and took part in various activities which shove me great humanity insight experience.

Shove? maybe show? Anyway it should be in past.

My leadership role in serving the Red Crescent Society and the National Service have taught and enlighten me good leadership social skills, teamwork organization and invaluable vision in a lifetime.

Leadership.. 2 times and then again "leadership" try to use different words.

I successfully lead my group

again past tense.. use led instead

You have big problems with grammar.I tried to correct some of them,but there can be mistakes ,which I did not see. Another problem is coherence.Since sentences and paragraphs are not realted with each other it is very hard to read whole essay.

Try to rewrite and repost the essay.
Wish you all the best
Aliyev   
Jan 28, 2013
Undergraduate / "Green Uniform"; Ubc -experience made you to rethink your perspectives [3]

Max 200 words.
Topic:Tell us about an experience, in school or out, that caused you to rethink or change your perspective. What impact has this had on you?

"Too many people spend money they earned..to buy things they don't want..to impress people that they don't like": states Will Rogers. In fact it's true for most of the people and unfortunately sometimes I was one of them.

In 2011 I decided to work during my vacation. My parents supported this idea and even helped me to find a job. Finally I received green uniform from my chief and started to serve kids in Entertainment Park for children. When I just came I thought that it'll be easy, however after first day I was completely worn out. During this work I saw hundreds of new faces and not only helped to each visitor but also organized about 30 birthdays (children often celebrate them in our park). Every single day, even in the weekends, I spent 13 hours working there.

Only that time I understood how silly I was when I asked my parents to pay for things I don't need.
Eventually I realized the value of money and gave promise to myself that I won't ask and squander them anymore. I will never have any regrets for time I spent working as an operator.

Please,give me advices about grammar,coherence,or relevance.
Thank You!
Aliyev   
Jan 28, 2013
Writing Feedback / 'neat and tidy'; Students who can keep their rooms organized are sure to succeed [4]

I really appreciate that students who can keep their own rooms organized are more likely to succeed for which can develop a diligent habit and obtain the ability of being independent, make a better impression on others and build a harmony relationship, handle troubles with a perfect order and increase study or work efficiency etc..

The whole sentence constructed improperly.Try to divide into parts.Meaning is unclear.

The evidence in 1st supporting paragprah is not good.I see no realtion between clean rooms and getting up earlier.Try to find something different.

You have some punctuatuion mistakes:

Although there are many ways to be successful, the more organized we students keep our rooms, the more likely to succeed.

the more organized we, students, keep our rooms.

Check everything one more time!
Good luck.
Aliyev   
Jan 28, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS-Countries develop economies improve living standards.degradation social values [6]

Economic improvementboost country's growth in all sectors.

boosts -singular.

For example, Information Technology professional who working for more hours to meet his deadlines in his project loses his family members at dinner and arrive late at late night which effects the family relation.

which effects the family relation this part is unnecessary because it doesn't add any information.

Attracts overseas skilled professionals to get high pay.

Maybe "Attraction" if you wanted to write a noun, or if not, you need subject, because without it is sentence fragment. You could do it like this: "It attracts overseas skilled professionals to get high pay"

To conclude, by analyzing boththeviews.

Plural noun.

high pay jobis pivotal.

High pay job are pivotal .

with in

within
A lot of mistakes,you should improve your grammar.
Aliyev   
Jan 28, 2013
Writing Feedback / Childcare training course for parents. Agree or Disagree? [7]

Firts of all,is it an IELTS task 2 essay?
If yes,then you should combine first 3 paragraph in 1 because the thesis appears only in 3rd paragprah.You should develop your idea more widely in 4th paragraph and divide it into 2 paragraphs.

Since this is an IELTS essay you should write it academically. Do not use "I,we,you " use only 3rd person" For example: I believe that to be a good student you should study hard. Academically: It is believed that to be a good student one should study hard.

To conclude I would say that there are less mistakes than in previous essay.

Wish you all the best!
Aliyev   
Jan 29, 2013
Undergraduate / Astana's competition ; UBC - How I responded to a significant challenge [3]

Thank you for response.Here is the corrected one

Sometimes in your life appear chances which you cannot miss.
In 10th grade it was crucial to my parents to receive help from me. Since they paid for my school we had adversity with money. I searched for different possibilities and finally found out that I will get discount if I get a place in Astana's competition among programmers. I decided to achieve this; however my teacher did not know appropriate programming language and I had no other choices except studying by myself. I never thought that I will be completely fascinated by this activity. From the first program, I made, I understood that I want to do this my entire life, but even so, the work, I planned to do, was enormous. I used to take small netbook to school and study during brakes while my peers rested. Moreover, I stayed on in school for 2 extra hours every day.

Eventually, my diligence was rewarded. I received discount in addition to 3rd place in competition.
It is true that sometimes even teenagers can give a help for their parents. In my opinion to do this is duty of every person.
Aliyev   
Jan 29, 2013
Undergraduate / UBC;orphanage;undergraduate essay [2]

Topic:Tell us more about one of the activities you listed above, explaining what your goals were, what you did to pursue them, the results achieved, and what you learned in the process. (maximum 200 words)

They smiled. I cannot find words to describe how real their smiles were. It seemed that I never saw something more beautiful. It was the best payment I have ever received.

I have never thought about organizing something like this before. My mom usually gives old clothes to orphanage and I sincerely offer to give my outfits too. But this year new, contagious idea possessed my mind. Eventually I decided to arrange an event in our school with my friend. The main purpose was to give a help hand to children in orphanage by donating old clothes, we received from school students. We collected almost all items of wardrobe, returning clothing which was too old and leaving others, for 3 days. Finally, when everything was collected, my friend and I went to orphanage. Principal staff gave us permission to meet children. I have never seen someone happier than they were. They have no home, no parents, but they still laughing.

Why even if they have almost nothing they are ready to share? Why when it seems that they have no exuberance in their life they are able to laugh? When did we lose these abilities?

Please check the grammar,style relevance,everything that needs to be improved.
Thank you!
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