Writing Feedback / 'my first day on a new job' - narrative essay [2]

I need some help with my essay. I have a little bit written down. My instructor says that it is a good idea, but I need to structure it more as a story. Can anyone help me with more ideas and how to expand on it?

Thanks.

I still remember my first day on a new job. I went to an interview, but since I was placed by a temp agency, it was basically a formality because I went through the hiring process and was hired on that same day. I went through all the typical hiring procedures, filling out forms (eligibility to work, W-4, background checks) and a drug test. This particular job also had a different type of test that related to the type of job I was hired for, a test to rate the ability to read a tape measure. After all the I's were dotted and the T's crossed, I was thrust onto the factory floor. I was introduced to my supervisor, and taken on a short tour around the building and then quickly turned over to an employee named Ernie, who unknowingly was assigned to train me. I knew nothing about what I was being trained to do, only that I would be helping to build fancy motor homes and they were put together much like a house is built. I was very nervous about doing something like this, something I had little to no experience in.

The day progresses into meeting other coworkers, following Ernie into the motor home, and being shown how each piece of material fit and what my responsibilities are as it pertained to my department. It is crowded inside the motor home. People are moving about doing their own tasks. It is very cool to me to see how things operated. I began to get interested in how these vacation luxury liners are put together, and what it takes to manufacture them.

There is a sense of people being rushed about like trying to meet a deadline. This is due to being shorthanded, and having been in a newer building for a short time, still adjusting to new layouts and surroundings. I realized this will be a fast paced, crowded work environment, everyone vying for time to do their specific job in as little time as possible.

Writing Feedback / Argumentative essay on cell phones and driving. [2]

I am doing a college essay about cell phones and driving.

I have a whole bunch of thoughts, they are sort of broken down into paragraph form. I have to use research and support which I have enough of, I just need to finish writing the paper itself and I will plug in the research later and add some detail to support them.

Cell phone technology has gotten bigger and better each year since it was invented. While there are numerous advantages to owning and using a cell phone, there are just as many disadvantages and hazards that can be caused by them. In this modern age, we have outgrown the need for home phones, and the "wired" phone has all but disappeared. No longer are we "tethered" to the home, we can now travel and still keep in touch with friends and family.

People use cell phones everywhere, walking, driving, at school, at work, at home. The need for these devices has increased dramatically, but in recent years, so have accidents and fatalities been the result of cell phone use. Why do people insist on using their phones when these incidents keep happening? We see it everyday on news stories, driving while texting or talking and causing an accident. The same is true for pedestrians who talk on their cell phones. It is like what I experienced while in the Philippines, people could be driving, and pedestrians will just walk out into traffic. They glance in your direction, but then with their head down, continue on, traffic coming or not. With pedestrians here they are just a little bit different, they walk across the street looking at their phone, or talking without a care in the world, like they are invincible to any danger around them. From my own experiences, texting while driving is not an easy task.

With the newer cell phones out there, they make the keyboards even harder to type with, and with the new laws in place, I almost never risk the thought of a ticket, or even worse an accident by trying to talk on the phone. I do admit there are times when I put the phone on speaker and set it in my lap to have a conversation, but even then it is only for a minute or two. But then that's all it takes for an accident to happen. If a call involves emotional content or there is information related that affects the persons judgment then there is a greater cause for accidents to take place. I see it almost everyday, at least one driver with a phone to their ear. You can almost always tell what's happening when you see a car weaving to the left or right in the lane. There are of course those who think that cell phones are so important to them that they need to be attached to them no matter where they are. An important call or text perhaps that has to be made even while driving. Maybe an emergency phone call that has to be taken. Some may text "call me asap" or something. The correct thing to do is to pull over and use the phone, but since we have practiced the art of trying to multitask while driving it is a hard habit to break. The types of people who use cell phones starts with teens mostly texting friends or family and goes up to senior citizens. A business man who needs to have the latest updates on the stocks or to be connected with the office.

There are a few people who do not feel like they are potentially causing any danger to themselves or those around them. When a cell phone is used, you don't think about your surrounding as much. You may see reports about accidents, and think "that will never happen to me". Some people feel pressured to remain in constant contact, even if they are driving.

Here is what I have so far. Any ideas on how to expand it some more?
Thanks

Undergraduate / Challenge of providing financial means for the family! [NEW]

I am doing an essay for school and would like some input on it. It is still a little short, and has some grammatical and punctuation errors. Please tell me what I could expand on and

what needs more attention.
Thanks

One of my greatest challenges happened last year when I was suddenly out of work. This is something that no one ever plans for in their life. The loss of work causes so much stress in a persons life, putting a tremendous strain on the families finances and making the future look uncertain. In my own experience, I worked for 15 years for one company. While there was a gap of about 7 months where I was out of work during that time, it was nothing compared to being out of work with no thoughts of returning. My first thought though, was going back to school to further my education and increase my chances at landing a better job. This was going to be a challenge, because I didn't do very well in school before. I was not sure how a return to school after 20 years would be. Couple that with the need to secure some type of part time work as well and the challenge becomes greater.

My number one challenge, is trying to support my family as I move towards going to school and finding work. With going to school, I was nervous that I would not be able to handle it or be prepared for this almost new experience. From getting admitted to the school, applying for financial aid, and scheduling classes, I felt a bit overwhelmed. Thanks to a lot of helpful instructors and councilors, I was able to make it into the start of the school year.

Because of my past school experiences, I was not sure how I would fair in this college. I knew I had to be successful in my return to school. This time though it is not just for me, but for my family as well. The are supporting and depending on me to do well.

My strength is not fully recognized yet, but I am seeing that I hold myself more accountable than I did before. I work harder and put more attention into school and classes this time around.