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Posts by ryao15
Name: Ryan C. Yao
Joined: Dec 29, 2014		 Last Post: Jan 1, 2015
Threads: 4
Posts: 25  
From: United States of America
School: SIS

Displayed posts: 29
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ryao15   
Dec 30, 2014
Undergraduate / 'strong engineering department, research facilities, and small size' - an ideal university [6]

Hello everyone!
I would greatly appreciate it if someone could read over my essay for Northwestern's McCormack School of Engineering.
Thanks!

Northwestern Statement: What are the unique qualities of Northwestern - and of the specific undergraduate school to which you are applying - that make you want to attend the University? In what ways do you hope to take advantage of the qualities you have identified? (300 words)

An ideal university, in my opinion, is one that has a strong engineering department, research facilities, and small size. Northwestern's renowned Robert R. McCormick School of Engineering and Applied Science has an astoundingly low 7:1 student-faculty ratio, as well as a reputation of being a Carnegie Research 1 University.

[...]
ryao15   
Dec 30, 2014
Undergraduate / I stand in firm affirmation of CMU - Prompt Why CMU [7]

Hi grcpark7,

For this part, I would recommend that you talk more into detail about why you want to attend CMU. Maybe be a little more specific as to what the Dietrich College of HSS and CIRP can bring you? What specific resources you will utilize to achieve your goals.

I think you did a great job outlining your interest in foreign affairs through the debate anecdote. Could you also elaborate on your plans for achieving your dreams?

Over all, solid work. I can't find any problems with grammar. Well done!
ryao15   
Dec 30, 2014
Undergraduate / A place of doom, an institution of desolation, a jail of misery - going to hospital [2]

Nice work!

I think that everything flows along smoothly, except the first sentence. I find this to be quite...strident? It seems a bit too harsh, the way you are exaggerating how much people tend to despise hospitals. Perhaps you could change that beginning to be more gentle. Make it fit in better with the tone of your last sentence (joyous, second home).

But other than that, I think you have done a great job with it.

Is there anything else in particular you wish for me/everyone else to look over?

Best of luck!
ryao15   
Dec 30, 2014
Undergraduate / New York University is a mural painted by generations of students [5]

New York University is a mural painted by generations of students. Each stroke represents a different student. Where each student represents him/her self by the color, shade, and design that depicts what he/she has contributed to the university. When I attend NYU I will provide a vibrant, flamboyant color to the mural that stands out yet fits in the painting.^ Great introduction! Very captivating, vivid and coherent. I think your comparison of NYU to a mural makes for an interesting read, and shows your mastery of the English language.

... one that will hold the meaning of creativity yet discipline; fun yet seriousnessserious

...just like how every studentsstudent provides a piece of him/her self to NYU.
I would change the him/her self part to himself/herself or just pick a gender.

In the intro, you mention that your color would stand out yet fit in with the painting, but paragraphs 2 and 4 both state that you will stand out. Could you clear that up a bit? To me, it seems a bit contradicting. But it might just be me.

Good luck!
ryao15   
Dec 30, 2014
Undergraduate / I am an anarchist. No-a rebel. Chemical Engineering... at YALE? [7]

Hi everyone,

I would really appreciate it if someone would please look over my Yale ChemE (you heard me right, I want to major in Engineering at Yale... read my supplements if you want to find out why).

1 essay at a time please.

My main worry as of now is the 1st essay and short answers:

Essay 1 - I wrote this one to be unique and weird/different from other essays. Not sure if it worked.I'm willing to rewrite.

Short Answers - Quite self explanatory I think
Essay 2 (engineering essay) - These are the reasons why I want to study ChemE at Yale.

Sorry about the super long essays. Bonus points for those that read them all! (as in, I'll be SUPER grateful and be forever in your debt)

Thanks in advance!

ESSAY 1 PROMPT: In this essay, please reflect on something you would like us to know about you that we might not learn from the rest of your application, or on something about which you would like to say more. You may write about anything-from personal experiences or interests to intellectual pursuits. (Please answer in 500 words or less). Before you begin, we encourage you to go to admissions.yale.edu/essay, where you will find helpful advice.

I am an anarchist. No-a rebel. No, not a rebel; a...a man of enlightenment. Yes, that's who I am. A man of enlightenment.

As an active member of my community, I've consistently held leadership positions in many of my extracurricular activities. Yet I saw limits. Limitations that were never brought up by the seemingly satisfied students of my school.

I realized that there was a cap, a ceiling that restricted us. There are only so many activities available to the student body, all of which are dictated by teachers. It was almost...Orwellian; teachers led unopposed, and students followed blindly without any real ability to exert decisive power (or maybe it wasn't that bad).

Seeking change, I founded the Solar Project and recruited a small group of my peers to aid me. I aimed to demonstrate to the student body that it is possible for a student-initiated, student-ran activity to succeed. And I chose to do so through the installation of solar panels on the school roof.

As the leader of the Solar Project, I realized that we were utterly free from all previous limitations. The potential of the project was unmatched; we could do anything we wished. As a team, we set our own goals and made our own decisions. There were no teachers to control us.

I soon realized that such extent of freedom brought alongside a great deal responsibility, as the determination of many group members waned, forcing me to chase after them and follow up on tasks as simple as sending an email. I was stretched to my limits while attempting to coordinate meetings with the principal, negotiate with solar panel suppliers, plan with engineers and keep track of my peers. It was then that I understood why we have previously been so 'oppressed' by our didactic teachers. Many weren't ready to handle the responsibilities that came along with freedom and decision, so the teachers helped carry out that burden. In the Solar Project, that duty was mine to fulfill.

However, I was able to regain control of the group and persuade my peers to refocus their attention on completing the project. I urged them not to allow this freedom to corrupt their motives.

After tediously fighting the temptations that allured us, my project was finally able to install a 1000 watt solar panel system at school. This accomplishment, to me, was more than just a successful project. It was an opportunity to demonstrate my capabilities as a leader. I was given complete freedom, and I chose to use that power to enlighten my community on sustainability, to demonstrate that a self-initiated project can be done. To overthrow the idea that projects must be led by teachers.

Now I watch as more and more students launch their own projects, begin their own activities and set their own targets, just like I had done.

Thus, I consider myself a man of enlightenment. (490 words)
ryao15   
Dec 30, 2014
Undergraduate / Identity - rock climbing + what it brought to myself - how it affected me [14]

Hello there!

Seeing that your main problem is that you are over the word limit by around 100 words, my main advice to you would be to cut down the first paragraph. Like, a lot. My first Common App essay was too flowery as well, but I was also forced to remove lots of the juicy stuff for it to fit the topic and word count. Find small phrases like "I don't even let go" and see if you can either merge them with previous sentences or just delete them if they are unnecessary to the story line (I recommend you not talk about not looking down, its quite fluffy).

Also, look through your sentence starters. Right off the bat, I can see MANY sentences that say "Yet..." Not saying that it is bad to start with that word, but too much may seem awkward.

"You can't half-ass a climb, much less the last one of the day" -- 2 issues with this sentence. 1) see if you can find better vocabulary here? 2) That is your opinion, and you might be able to cut it out. In fact, I'd say you should delete the previous sentence too (the one about the last rep and last word of an essay).

Finally, could you talk a bit more about how rock climbing is so central to your identity?
Emphasize on that point, it should be the main focus of your essay.

Other than that, I think its quite an intersting essay to read.

Best of luck!
ryao15   
Dec 30, 2014
Undergraduate / Why research seemingly obscure things? For science! -- Engineering at Yale [3]

This is my ChemE Engineering Essay for Yale. I would greatly appreciate it if someone were to read over it for content and grammar. Thanks!

PROMPT: If you selected one of the engineering majors, please write a brief essay telling us what has led you to an interest in this field of study, what experiences (if any) you have had in engineering, and what it is about Yale's engineering program that appeals to you.

I was in the chemistry lab, studying the effect of change in concentration of potassium iodate on the rate of reaction of the Briggs-Rauscher oscillating reaction for a research paper. As I watched the beaker full of clear solution slowly turn yellow, then blue, then yellow and so on, I asked my chemistry teacher, "Why am I investigating this reaction?"

For science!

Why go to the moon? We don't know what the results of our work may be when we study these seemingly obscure things. This oscillating reaction offers us an opportunity to better our understanding in the kinetics and mechanisms behind a reaction, since it demonstrates that chemical reactions don't always undergo equilibrium thermodynamic behavior. From a pure science point of view, this is very interesting. However, it has no practical application yet. But who knows?

After all, had we not decided to go to the moon, there wouldn't have been any cellphones or GPS. These things exist today thanks to pure science explorations. Who knows what real world applications the oscillating reaction might have in the future?
ryao15   
Dec 30, 2014
Undergraduate / 'strong engineering department, research facilities, and small size' - an ideal university [6]

Here is a final version that I will be submitting tomorrow. THanks for all of your help! I feel like the quality of my essay has improved greatly.

And yes, I will definitely take a look at your BU essay.

Northwestern Statement: What are the unique qualities of Northwestern - and of the specific undergraduate school to which you are applying - that make you want to attend the University? In what ways do you hope to take advantage of the qualities you have identified? (300 words)

Each university, like each individual student, is unique. In order for the college experience to be optimized, both the student and the university must fit each other. To me, an ideal university aligned with my interests is one with a strong engineering department, top tier research facilities, small size and variety of disciplines. In other words, Northwestern University.

With the small size of the McCormick School of Engineering, I will not only know the faculty on a personal level, but also be presented with a multitude of research opportunities; this will give me the opportunity to work with esteemed faculty members such as Assistant Professor Keith Tyo, whose research on genetic programming of microbes has caught my interest. Having written a research paper on the Briggs-Rauscher oscillating reaction recently, I discovered my curiosity of learning and applying theoretical concepts to our real world as done through engineering. I hope to take advantage of the plethora of research opportunities to further develop my skills and interests.

Northwestern also strongly advocates cross-disciplinary connections - an exclusive characteristic of the highly-regarded university. Using the whole-brain approach, Northwestern promotes collaboration amongst a range of disciplines in order to engage both the analytical and creative processes of the brain. As an engineer with an interest in economics, I would be able to utilize the NUvention courses to expand my interdisciplinary knowledge and also enroll in the Kellogg School of Management's undergraduate program. This cross-disciplinary approach to learning that Northwestern offers allows me to pursue both an education in engineering as well as economics, without having to compromise my interest in either field. This multidisciplinary experience is one that is not available elsewhere, and is something that I would take advantage of in order to make myself a more well-rounded intellectual. (300 words)
ryao15   
Dec 30, 2014
Undergraduate / Poop: It's only four letters, yet when combined together, provoke disgusted faces and nose-wrinkling [15]

To be honest, I prefer your CMU essay over this one.

To start off, I think you should edit your intro a bit more. I don't know if poop necessarily = diarrhea? I think that the first few sentences (up to the line "This word is poop") can be rewritten to grab the reader's attention more. Come on! You're talking about diarrhea! Go into all that unappealing, vivid description! Throw in some phrases like "upside down, brown volcano" or "exploding chocolate fountain" or something with more imagery :)

" You would think that in this sensitized " -- I think that saying "One would think..." sounds better, but might just be me since I would prefer the term 'one' over 'you'.

"Living in America, where we are priviledged with wonderful technological advancements, we forget that 2.5 billion others have no adequate toilets and are forced to dump their wastes in the open" -- privileged is spelled incorrectly. Also, "dump their wastes" might sound a bit awkward. Maybe substitute in "evacuate their bowels" or something else. If you choose to go with what you have now, I think "wastes" should be changed to "waste".

"fifty communicable diseases are known to travel in human feces, which is why 1.5 million people, according to the World Health Organization, die every year. Every day, we lose 4,000 children to these preventable diseases. " -- I think if you listed a few of the possible diseases it might be more effective, since you reference "these preventable diseases".

"250 billion dollars every year thanks to poor sanitation" -- I would say that "due to poor sanitation" would flow better.

I also recommend that you strengthen your conclusion. If you fix up these points, I think it will come out as a solid essay. How's your CMU essay? I can take another look at that if you've updated it. Also, if you have time could you take a look at my Yale Engineering essays?
ryao15   
Dec 30, 2014
Undergraduate / I stand in firm affirmation of CMU - Prompt Why CMU [7]

Well... what can I say. I think that you nailed it this time. Great job!

An interesting hook (haha did you apply the diarrhea volcano thing here?) , explanations to why you wish to attend CMU, You mention specific resources in CMU that you would utilize to achieve your goals, you bring up a specific name... I think this is MUCH better than the first draft.

Also, great how you tied in the conclusion to your passion for debate.

However, there is one thing I would ask you to elaborate on:
Professor Kiron Skinner -- you mention him ,but not what he does nor why it interests you. I think if you talked a bit more about him, rather than just do a name drop here, it might be more effective.

Other than that, I think this is a great essay!
Good job!
ryao15   
Dec 31, 2014
Undergraduate / Poop: It's only four letters, yet when combined together, provoke disgusted faces and nose-wrinkling [15]

Great improvement from the previous essay! I think you changed it up for the better.

I do see a few more points that should be addressed to make it read better.

" use the toilet, then forget about the toilet." -- Maybe say "use the toilet, then forget about it, or forget it ever happened (or something along those lines?)"

" poop go?I shudder" -- SPACE!!! Small things like this can drive a reader insane. Make sure you put the space between the "?" and "I"

"true effects of a dearth of clean sanitation"-- Sounds a bit wordy to me. And I'm not sure if you should say 'clean' in front of 'sanitation', maybe 'adequate' might fit better?

"Besides the obvious aesthetic harms of open defecation"-- I have never seen someone use "aesthetic harms" to describe a situation like this, maybe you should consider something like "Other than the unappealing sight of open defecation..."

"diarrhea, the second biggest children killer in the world," -- change it a bit to be maybe "diarrhea, the second largest killer of children worldwide" or something.

For your last paragraph/sentence thing, I recommend that you follow the rule of 3: Change it so that it becomes "My concern is that...xxxxxxxxx" and end with a powerful statement (...we are ignoring the millions of suffering people because of our lack of consideration).

To me, that would just sound better. But again, it might just be me.

Other than these relatively minor things, I think you have improved it greatly! ITs more coherent as well as more informative.

Oh, also, if there is anything else that you would like me to take a look at for any of your other essays, feel free to ask!

If you have time, I would really really really appreciate it if you could look at my Yale Engineering essay for me (the anarchist/rebel titled one), as I have found your feed back to be really helpful. Thanks for everything you have done, and good luck!
ryao15   
Dec 31, 2014
Undergraduate / being flat-footed, easily distracted, community... SUPER SHORT short responses to Yale supplement [3]

Really appreciate it if someone is willing to take a look. These should be fairly short. Thanks in advance!

1.) What in particular about Yale has influenced your decision to apply? (100 words)
Many Yale alumni have proudly boasted about just how inclusive and welcoming the Yale community is. From the tours led by professors around the facilities to the efficient responsiveness to emails and questions, Yale has demonstrated that its faculty genuinely care about the undergraduate students - a quality that is difficult to find in many universities. Along with the novel residential systems, these traits invoke an image of great communal care, support and collaborative discourse that would make for an ideal community. (82 words)

Please respond in 250 characters (roughly 40 words) or fewer to each of the questions below:
2a.) What excites you intellectually, really?Finding answers to questions that I think about. What happens when I burn potassium nitrate and-?... Ahh, I see. And now a full matchbox..? Fascinating. While satisfying my curiosity, I can almost feel my brain expand as I fill it with more knowledge. (250 characters)

2b.) Think about a disappointment you have experienced. What was your response?I was disappointed as a child to realize that I was flat footed. Stomping behind everyone else, I was easily outrun. So I altered my footsteps, experimenting with different methods to step down and push off. I am now the fastest person in my class. (248 characters)

2c.) Suite-style living - four to six students sharing a set of rooms - may be an integral part of your Yale College experience. What would you contribute to the dynamic of your suite?Humor. Randomness. Friendly banters. Jokes. Debate. Housekeeping (OCD). Music. Singing. Bad singing. Dramatic recreations of movie scenes. Sharing. Food. Multilingual confusion. Study sessions for tomorrows exam.

Oh, and also long lasting friendship. (250 characters)

2d.) What do you wish you were better at being or doing?I wish I was better at cleaning out my room. As a very sentimental person, I refused e to throw away any of my hundreds of possessions. From my childhood favorite book to my stamp collection, I kept anything with the slightest significance to me. (246 characters)
ryao15   
Dec 31, 2014
Undergraduate / I've never actually stepped onto the Notre Dame campus and experienced the aura personally [13]

Great response!
Like TheKid9999 said, you should definitely change your last sentence. I would suggest that you mention how its a perfect fit for you, or that it is in line with your interests.

Just one thing: "so I initially doubted my decision." -- Could you clarify on what your decision is? I know it is implied but maybe it would read better if you were to explicitly state what decision you doubted.

Other than that, I think this is very good of an essay. You answer the prompt and give a great, unique introduction about Jesus.
Nice work!
ryao15   
Dec 31, 2014
Undergraduate / I've never actually stepped onto the Notre Dame campus and experienced the aura personally [13]

No problem!
Good luck on your application!

Sorry to bother you again, but is it possible that you take a quick look at my short answers to Yale supplement (SUPER SHORT short responses to Yale supplement -- being flat-footed, easily distracted, community...) thread? I wish to finalize it but I haven't had anyone look over it.

Thanks a bunch!!
ryao15   
Dec 31, 2014
Undergraduate / I've never actually stepped onto the Notre Dame campus and experienced the aura personally [13]

Definitely!

I looked over it, and I think that your tenses are all fine. Because during the beginning few sentences you are talking about your impressions of the university in the past, whereas the rest of your essay talks about your current vision and thoughts (I think... I marvel... I remember...) . So I think they are fine (However, my strengths are in chemistry and math, not so much english).

Also, I caught another thing.

"But then I remember about Touchdown Jesus" -- I think this sounds a bit awkward. You may want to rephrase it to read something like "But then I (recall/remember) Touchdown Jesus" or something similar, because I don't think you "remember about" something.
ryao15   
Dec 31, 2014
Undergraduate / being flat-footed, easily distracted, community... SUPER SHORT short responses to Yale supplement [3]

Thanks for your feedback!

I guess I do bring up alumni too much, I can cut down on it. It's that I contacted some alumni and they told me a bunch about how nice it is etc...

for 2), I wish I could go into more detail but 250 characters WITH SPACES is like... 25-30 words.

2d) is hard. I have no idea what to put there haha. I'll find something else then I guess.

THanks again!
ryao15   
Dec 31, 2014
Undergraduate / Why Chapman? Because Leia likes it. [7]

Hi!

I think that this is a very interesting essay, and is really fun to read. I think its really creative how you have chosen to write your essay in the form of dialogue, and it fits the prompt nicely.

However, I would suggest that you consdier elaborating on this part:

""Because... Because it is small. They are known for being like a tight community. The professors actually care about their students."

"Why?"

"Because Chapman wants to globalize their students."

"What's that?"

"They want their students to make a difference."

Does a small school where professors care about their students necessarily equate to being globalized and wanting their students to make a differnece? Could you talk a bit more about how the two ideas connect? Or maybe its just that I don't see the connection that is there.

But overall, great work!
ryao15   
Dec 31, 2014
Undergraduate / Poop: It's only four letters, yet when combined together, provoke disgusted faces and nose-wrinkling [15]

Nice work! I think you are nearing completion!
A few more suggestions:

"My curiosity piqued, I began my research, starting with poop. A four-letter word. No one wants to look at it. No one wants to talk about it. This is precisely how it has escalated into a global health issue. " -- Could you make this flow a bit better? I think that its a little choppy in the middle where you have the short sentences. Maybe merge them to be like " A four-lettered word that represents something no one wants look at or even talk about".

"fifty communicable diseases, such as cholera and meningitis, are known to travel in human poop. " -- fifty? haha, I think you mean 'filthy'. And I would recommend that you switch out 'poop' for 'feces' here, since you are talking about the more scientific aspect of the topic rather than just something nobody wants to talk about. (if that makes sense?)

"if there was adequate sanitation in India, 25% of girls would not drop out of school" -- for my own knowledge, but why do 25% of girls drop out of school? What does sanitation have to do with school? Might just be my ignorance haha.

" if only there is a sufficient supply of toilets." -- Minor thing here: I'd suggest saying sanitary toilets ,because that would be a better argument for how its important to be clean and everything.

"We keep the toilet locked out of our conversations; my childhood friend, who moved to Japan, eagerly informs me of her advanced toilet upgrades as if she's discussing the latest celebrity gossip." -- I'm not really sure how this sentence is relevant to your essay. Are you saying that Japan has more sanitary bathrooms because they talk about it? I think you should state what you mean here, or take it out. THe essay works even if you just remove the sentence.

"But maybe that's just me" -- You dropped a period at the end. But I think its a very powerful ending you have, and that would work great to conclude this serious topic.

Good job improving it from your last rendition!
Hopefully you can have it done soon!
ryao15   
Dec 31, 2014
Undergraduate / It is said that when he was born, he watched the world burn. Epic Short Story- Notre Dame [7]

Great story! It certainly had me hooked. Few suggestions:

"and the crashes of the wood beams as the fire ravaged throughout the castle. "-- you should make this parallel to what you had before, so it should say 'crashing of wooden beams'.

"All they knew was that death was upon them and that death was staying." -- A bit wordy? Could you change the second 'death' to 'it'?

"Meanwhile, the newborn, resting on a pile of ashes, was restless. His wails drowned out the remaining flickers of the dying flames. Suddenly, a blinding white light consumed the room and swallowed the baby whole, leaving only a badly charred crib in its wake." -- Where did that crib come from? You said he was resting on a pile of ashes, and then on a badly charred crib. Could you change that a bit to make it either both cribs or both ash?

Other than these few things, great job!
ryao15   
Dec 31, 2014
Undergraduate / Poop: It's only four letters, yet when combined together, provoke disgusted faces and nose-wrinkling [15]

Oh, one last thing. I don't know if you're still working on this essay or not, but I would suggest that you drop the last "But maybe that's just me." line to the bottom and have it its own separate paragraph. That might make it more powerful.

And I see now ... 25% is a lot from just that!

You're essay has really turned out well, much much MUCH better, in my opinion, that what you started out with.

Great work!
ryao15   
Dec 31, 2014
Undergraduate / I am an anarchist. No-a rebel. Chemical Engineering... at YALE? [7]

Thanks for all your help!

I will be submitting this sometime soon.
You've really helped with both my NU and Yale essays.
Hmm, if only I could get someone to read over my Cornell one as well... I'd be utterly grateful for that to happen.

I can continue helping you on your essays if you would like me to, as I am nearing completion of my essays.

Thanks again for everything!
ryao15   
Dec 31, 2014
Undergraduate / Identity - rock climbing + what it brought to myself - how it affected me [14]

I think that what you should do is separate the rock climbing from your personal traits a bit more obviously (does that make sense?)
So for "When a situation doesn't go my way, the route I choose to take allows me to control what happens, to create a new path. In this case, I'll find another way. By retracing my steps and giving myself a different perspective, I have opened up new possibilities." maybe you can try to split it all up in a more obvious way. Make it become one part clearly rock climbing, one part your characteristic. I'd even go as far as to italicize the characteristic sentences to make it more apparent that they are two different things.

"When a situation doesn't go my way, the route I choose to take allows me to control what happens, to create new paths. I then retrace my steps, giving myself a different perspective to open up new possibilities in my climb."

Maybe something along t he lines of this?

And for your second half, I think its fine.

"Much like how climbing has done so for me. It opened up a door about myself, providing motivation and inspiration alike. It gave me determination to workout daily, it gave me insight used to reflect and be creative in film and writing, it gave me humility to know my limits and how to improve and learn from mistakes. It lead to a vast multitude of opportunities, giving me the motivation to provide assistance to middle school climber, to begin and lead the first climbing club for the high school. It gave me a goal and a way to reflect and change. This climb for example, it required everything I had to get to where I am now. Yet I haven't even finished it." --- I recommend that for this paragraph, you add a bit more about why rock climbing has affected you so deeply that you want to write an essay on it. Tie in stuff from the first paragraph (the fluff) in to talk about how rock climbing gave you determination to work out daily, how it taught you to be reflective, etc.

Hope this helps.

Also, would you mind looking over my Cornell essay for me?

Thanks.
ryao15   
Dec 31, 2014
Undergraduate / Identity - rock climbing + what it brought to myself - how it affected me [14]

Nice! Much better!

I think it reads a lot better now that you broke it up into a bunch of smaller paragraphs. It's more coherent in general, and not as overwhelming either.

I especially like the "Climbing led to a vast multitude of opportunities" and the previous paragraph, since it ties in everything nicely. This newly updated version is MUCH MUCH better than what you started with, and makes it easier to understand and answers the prompt better.

Suggestions that I would make:

"touched the ground on the end of my last climb" -- Previous climb would make it even more clear, last climb could mean previous or final.

"It gave me new goals in my fitness and health," -- Parallelism! Make it start with "It has given me... xxxx" like the 2 sentences that follow are. That would make it flow better.

" to ask out that one girl that got away" -- I thin this takes away from your whole 'confidence gave me' part. The other things are more serious and this one is kind of random (in my opinion). I recommend that you either take it out, or change it to become humorous by going into an excessive amount of detail. "...to ask out that one girl from the 5th grade that wore those bright neon shirts every day to school, to...xxx"

But again, just a suggestion. You can leave as is and it wouldn't take away from it.

Other than these minor points, I think your edit of your edit turned out very, very good!

Great job!
ryao15   
Dec 31, 2014
Undergraduate / Acronym for me - R.E.D has been a wild roller coaster of indescribable experiences. [4]

Hi, I think what you have for your response to the question is very interesting, especially how you mention that both of your best friends are completely different in personality.

A few suggestions is firstly to answer the prompt completely, and focus more on the part about how RED has shaped you.

"R.E.D has been a wild roller coaster of indescribable experiences. From last minute trips to Florida to midnight basketball sessions R.E.D has changed my life. R.E.D. is an acronym for me and my friends Erick and Daniel's name." -- the flow here is not very smooth, maybe you can shorten the second sentence and make it run better. Also, clarify on what RED came from (say something like "RED was an acronym for my name, and my 2 best friends names, Erick and Daniel" but make it sound better than just that)

"It's shown me the being with people like yourself is boring" -- Is it really boring? Or is it more fun to have a larger variety of people?

I think you should fix up these few points first, and then see what else there is needed to fix.

Good luck!
ryao15   
Jan 1, 2015
Undergraduate / Identity - rock climbing + what it brought to myself - how it affected me [14]

Wow, thats incredible! I really like it how now the paragraphs are even shorter, so its not as big of a block if text. I think if you were to make all of the italicized sentences one long sentences that connects (Climbing gave me xyz... it taught me to doxxx... thorugh climbing, I learned xxx...) it would be better.

For your word count problem, I suggest you go back to the 2nd and 5th paragraphs (This is my tenth climb...) and (Climbing led to...) to try and merge sentences into longer ones. Maybe if you must, crop down on detail.

"Brute strength is out of the question, as all of my resources are dried up and useless. All I have is technique and experience." -- merge it to "With brute strength out of the question, I had to turn to technique and experience" -- 24 words down to 15

Try and do this to all the ones you can, and eliminate your detail (I know, it will be horribly painful doing so, but I had to go through the same thing) and just avoid talking about anything that doesnt help progress your essay.

As for which of the essays you use, that is up to you. I think both are great essays, but I personally prefer the 2nd edit with the italicized sentences because it's structure is much more unique and eyecatching than just any other essay.

But the choice is yours.

Good luck!
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