Unanswered [6] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by lylreaganmac
Name: Reagan
Joined: Jun 3, 2016
Last Post: Sep 13, 2016
Threads: 4
Posts: 8  
From: United States of America
School: PHS

Displayed posts: 12
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lylreaganmac   
Jun 3, 2016
Scholarship / Career goals, life goals, and the reasons for choosing your degree. [5]

Hi, I believe that your essay is beautifully written. Very nice job. From what I can see you have included everything asked which is great and my only correction is minor. I feel as though the end didn't grab me. Maybe draw up a stronger sentence to really make a statement at the end of your essay?! Other than that, and even with that, you should be very proud! Good luck!
lylreaganmac   
Jun 3, 2016
Undergraduate / "Being from a small town" FIT Admissions Essay [5]

So I understand that FIT doesn't actually begin the application process until August but I'm a planner and there is nothing that I want more than to go to this college. My GPA isn't the best and I know you aren't necessarily supposed to address this in your essay but I tried to take a light yet meaningful approach.

Please advise me with transitions considering I don't have any and also should I add a conclusion. I am over the word limit already but I am just curious!

What makes you a perfect candidate for FIT? Why are you interested in the major you are applying to? The essay is also your chance to tell us more about your experiences, activities and accomplishments. (No more than 750 words, please.)

Being from a small town in rural Arkansas, there are not many opportunities to break into the fashion industry. This, however, has not kept me from trying. From getting a retail job, and making a Tumblr account dedicated to my personal fashion sense, to taking online college classes in fashion merchandising and marketing, my experience may be limited but my passion is very obvious. I have never been surer of myself than when I am dealing with the industry and I am willing and able to take up the challenges that come with being in the rigorous Fashion Business Management program at the Fashion Institute of Technology beginning in the fall of 2017.

There isn't one thing about being a retail buyer that does not draw me in and by utilizing the knowledge that the Fashion Business Management program will give me with the specialized classes that FIT offers, I can truly be the best in my field. Working with budgets and managing how much merchandise is in the store is very stimulating for me. Additionally, the social side of this career is the true highlight. The fact that I will get the chance to negotiate with designers and even purchase lines that can help a designer gain footing in the industry is truly uplifting. I can really make a difference, but not just for the designers; also for the consumers. By keeping up with the trends and a bachelor's degree from the perfect school, I will be able to put the right merchandise on the hanger. However, my goals do not stop here. After graduating and getting a job as a retail buyer, I hope to carry on and learn the ins and the outs of the industry through experience in the field before going back to school for a degree in entrepreneurship. Upon completion of this degree, I would like to open my own retail store to purchase for and eventually pass down to one of my children.

The past two years of my high school career have been very insightful. I have been involved in the Future Business Leaders of America (FBLA) organization at my school and have won awards both years. My sophomore year I received fifth place and my junior year I received first place. For my senior year I am hoping to get first once again. The competition in which I have scored well in both years is Computer Applications. This test consists of a 100 question exam that must be completed in one hour and a two and a half hour skills test. Both years I have fully completed each test, which has been proven to be very difficult. Along with my experience with FBLA, I have also focused picking my classes to further push me towards my career goals that I have set for myself. For my senior year, I have chosen to take AP literature, statistics, psychology, sociology, banking, accounting, and a few digital communications classes. I have also went the extra mile to sign up for two online collegiate classes which are fashion merchandising and marketing.

On paper, I might seem like an average student. My GPA is not significant but what you cannot see, is the struggles that pressured me throughout my high school career. One of my biggest lessons that I have learned with this is prioritizing and balance. I have learned that I am different, not only this, but I have learned what I need to do to exceed even my own expectations when it comes to school. I am proud to say that my grades for my senior year are on par with the student I always knew I could be and I am so very proud of myself for not giving up. I persevered even if it doesn't make that big of a difference on paper, it made a huge difference to the way that I look at myself. I also learned that I am a fighter, I will do whatever is necessary to succeed and that is why I am the perfect fit for FIT. When I have heard people speak about the students that attend FIT the words driven, inspired, and cultured. I believe these words perfectly describe the person that I have matured to be and I do not view performance these past few years as an accurate representation of the student I have become and will continue to be as I carry on with my secondary education. This is because the student that I used to represent, would not have even tried to apply at a school so well known for excellence. Yet, here I am.

Word Count: 775

Any feedback and critiques are welcomed and encouraged!
lylreaganmac   
Jun 3, 2016
Scholarship / Scholarship essay about my proposed programme, why I chose it, what is proposed to achieve [4]

... both in the private and public sector by givengiving them the possibility to learn the latelylatest technical expertise needed to (...), population ageing, retirements benefits and how health systems are managed and assessed by the State.

... and it's considered one of the best universities in the worldon the planet in this field.
(With this edit, it was a bit redundant. I would recommend finding a different way to write the end.)

... system by applying the knowledge gained through my work in Australia on my work and to improve the life of Brazilians ...

Those are the only I caught. Very straight to the point and well written. Good luck!
lylreaganmac   
Jun 3, 2016
Writing Feedback / GRE prompt ( argument ): Sufficient evidences for a small scale business loan ? [2]

... the jazz music club cannot expect that much numbersmanyof jazz music fans, since an indigenous music club mostly caters to a local population.

Hence the group of developers (...), and hence the loan could (...)
(using hence twice is redundant)

... the developers cannot pretend fake their affordability to pay the sum of money the jazz music club planninged for the fee.
(Try having supposed or just having or just supposing)

Other than those three, your writing seems to fit the prompt and is written with correct grammar. I would watch your punctuation because some of the commas are in the wrong place and you also have unnecessary spaces. Overall, nice job and good luck!
lylreaganmac   
Jun 4, 2016
Undergraduate / "Being from a small town" FIT Admissions Essay [5]

@ichanpants89 Thank you so much for your feedback! Also thank you for the tip about the paragraphs! I really want to make the most of using this website! Also thank you for the help with the commas!

I have a few questions! I am wondering if you think that this essay sounds professional or if not what I can do to make it sound more professional (I really need this essay to represent me well because of my average GPA). Does my last sentence end the essay well or is it weak?

Updated version of my essay:

Being from a small town in rural Arkansas, there are not many opportunities to break into the fashion industry. This, however, has not kept me from trying. From getting a retail job, and making a Tumblr account dedicated to my personal fashion sense, to taking online college classes in fashion merchandising and marketing, my experience may be limited but my passion is very obvious. I have never been surer of myself than when I am dealing with the industry and I am willing and able to take up the challenges that come with being in the rigorous Fashion Business Management program at the Fashion Institute of Technology beginning in the fall of 2017.

There is not one thing about being a retail buyer that does not draw me in and by utilizing the knowledge that the Fashion Business Management program will give me with the specialized classes that FIT offers, I can truly be the best in my field. Working with budgets and managing how much merchandise is in the store is very stimulating for me. Additionally, the social side of this career is the true highlight. The fact that I will get the chance to negotiate with designers and even purchase lines that can help a designer gain footing in the industry is truly uplifting. I can really make a difference, but not just for the designers; also for the consumers. By keeping up with the trends and a bachelor's degree from the perfect school, I will be able to put the right merchandise on the hanger. However, my goals do not stop here. After graduating and getting a job as a retail buyer, I hope to carry on and learn the ins and the outs of the industry through experience in the field before going back to school for a degree in entrepreneurship. Upon completion of this degree, I would like to open my own retail store to purchase for and eventually pass down to one of my children.

The past two years of my high school career have been very insightful. I have been involved in the Future Business Leaders of America (FBLA) organization at my school and have won awards both years. My sophomore year I received fifth place and my junior year I received first place. For my senior year I am hoping to get first once again. The competition in which I have scored well in both years is Computer Applications. This test consists of a 100 question exam that must be completed in one hour and a two and a half hour skills test. Both years I have fully completed each test, which has been proven to be very difficult. Along with my experience with FBLA, I have also focused picking my classes to further push me towards my career goals that I have set for myself. For my senior year, I have chosen to take AP literature, statistics, psychology, sociology, banking, accounting, and a few digital communications classes. I have also gone the extra mile to sign up for two online collegiate classes which are fashion merchandising and marketing.

On paper, I might seem like an average student. My GPA is not that high but what you cannot see is the struggles that pressured me throughout my high school career. One of my biggest lessons that I have learned with this is prioritizing and balance. I have learned that I am different, not only this, but I have learned what I need to do to exceed even my own expectations when it comes to school. I am proud to say that my grades for my senior year are on par with the student I always knew I could be and I am so very proud of myself for not giving up. I persevered even if it doesn't make that big of a difference on paper, it made a huge difference to the way that I look at myself. I also learned that I am a fighter, I will do whatever is necessary to succeed and that is why I am the perfect fit for FIT. When I have heard people speak about the students that attend FIT the words driven, inspired, and cultured. I believe these words perfectly describe the person that I have matured to be and I do not view performance these past few years as an accurate representation of the student I have become and will continue to be as I carry on with my secondary education. This is because the student that I used to represent would not have even tried to apply at a school so well known for excellence. Yet, here I am.
lylreaganmac   
Jun 4, 2016
Undergraduate / "Being from a small town" FIT Admissions Essay [5]

Thank you Rodolfo! This is really helpful! Also thank you for the comment about the last sentence! That is the one I was kind of worried about so thanks!
lylreaganmac   
Jun 6, 2016
Undergraduate / "My expirience with the fashion industry" Teen Vogue U Application Essay [2]

This essay is written for my admissions into the Teen Vogue University program to complete over the course of my senior year. All feedback is welcome and encouraged!

In 75-150 words, tell us about yourself and why you are interested in earning the Certificate in Fashion Industry Essentials.

My experience with the fashion industry is very limited. Because I have grown up in a small town where a sense of fashion is not celebrated as much as it should be, I am constrained by the lack of options to break into the industry. Teen Vogue University, however, is the perfect opportunity to take the next step towards my career. With the knowledge that Teen Vogue University will provide me with throughout the program, I can confidently go above and beyond the expectations that people have set for me. Also, I would really benefit from the knowledge so that I can truly be the best in my future career field. Not to mention that the certification given upon graduation of the program will look great on future job and college applications.
lylreaganmac   
Jun 6, 2016
Writing Feedback / SUPERMAN VS BATMAN: DAWN OF JUSTICE AND AMERICAN CAPITAIN: CIVIL WAR - TWO FILMS THAT YOU HAVE SEEN [2]

Hi! Okay so the layout of the essay is good and there seems to be no blatant grammar issues. My only advice would be to up the difficulty of the essay by logging on to thesaurus or something and changing some of your words to sound more challenging! If you don't feel like doing that by all means keep this essay because I think that it is very good!
lylreaganmac   
Jun 26, 2016
Undergraduate / How to better word this excerpt from my application essay? [4]

This is an excerpt from an application essay that I am currently writing. I would like insight as to what I need to do because it just seems like a huge mess. I want to include all of this information because I want to not only say that I focused my classes but how I focused them as proof if that makes sense. Please help me to better use this information! Thank you very much!

-
I began to focus and build my coursework with classes to reflect how serious I am about a career in fashion business by selecting classes such as computer applications and digital communications for building strong computer skills, psychology and sociology so that I better understand the behavior of consumers, AP literature for proving that I can push myself hard and handle such a difficult course, accounting and banking for a better understanding of budgets and money not to mention the information was very insightful for everyday use, and statistics for a lead in to the FIT curriculum although I had already fulfilled all of my math credits in spite of this class. In addition to these, I opened my schedule up for two Virtual Arkansas college classes to further my education. These online classes were fashion merchandising and marketing which were both incredibly insightful and helped to seal my future goal of being in fashion merchandising.
lylreaganmac   
Sep 13, 2016
Essays / Undergrad Application Essay FIT "I could have never imagined" [2]

So I am rewriting and starting from scratch for my Fashion Institute of Technology admissions essay and I need a good lead in sentence. I want to show my personality a bit and make it stand out. Again this is just the first sentence but I always struggle with the beginnings.

I could have never imagined that my plans for the rest of my life would flourish after discovering the Fashion Institute of Technology through a Pretty Little Liars episode.

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I could never have imagined that all of my plans for my future would do a 180 and flourish after watching a Pretty Little Liars episode.

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I could have never imagined that all of my plans for my future would be modified all because of one Pretty Little Liars episode.
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I could have never imagined that the fate of my future rested in the hands of the writers for the show Pretty Little Liars.

I am not sure which one is best but also I'm not sure if it is a bad choice. This is my first admissions essay and I'm not sure what is the best option.
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