Undergraduate / CommonApp Essay: Helping a Friend [3]

Please read and criticize, I need the criticism and welcome it. This is my CommonApp Essay on the topic of my choice

Helping a Student Friend

The hallways were deserted except for a custodian sweeping up the day's litter. Outside, the cries of birds and athletes mingled to produce a pleasant drone. In the empty classroom, the only sound was that of my voice explaining the intricacies of the SAT math section. My assignment, however, was not obligatory, and my student was not an anonymous person. He was my classmate, and soon to be, best friend, Gustavo.

When Goose and I were juniors, we had a discussion about the SAT Reasoning Test. When he told me his score, I was shocked. Goose immigrated from Colombia when he was seven, and like me, had to learn English as a second language. Despite these challenges, he puts full effort into everything he does, never takes the easy way out, and cares about his academics more than anyone I know. He deserved a better score.

Like Gustavo, I know the pain of adjusting to a new environment. When I was nine, my mother and I were walking back home when we passed a barber shop when suddenly, a teenager on a bike rushed past us and yelled "Go back to China!" Immediately, another teenager dashed of the barber shop and apologized profusely for the first teen's behavior. He didn't have to help. He wouldn't have benefited in the slightest. He came simply because he wanted to. That single incident made me realize that sometimes, no reason other than a willingness to help is all that is needed to change someone's situation for the better. As I reflected on the teenager who defended my mother and I, I felt a strong urge to return some of the appreciation I felt. The SAT, I decided, was a challenge Gustavo did not have to face alone.

Gustavo and I started meeting after school once or twice a week to prepare for the SAT. While my sole intention was to improve his scores, a side-effect of these meetings was that we quickly became great friends. I loved teaching him, and I could tell he appreciated my unconditional support. In the process of helping him, I learned how similar we are. We are both proficient at ball sports, he at golf and I at tennis. We both love nature and the outdoors. We have a similar sense of humor. The more we practiced for the SAT, the closer we became. Once, he loaned me his jacket while I was waiting for the city bus because I was shivering. I knew then that I had a true friend.

After we finished our review, we walked to the student parking lot, a familiar routine. The air was damp and cool, a marked contrast to the warm, drowsy air of the classroom. The cool breeze reminded me that Autumn was approaching. Gustavo drove us to Springdale Pizza, where we each had three delicious slices of warm, juicy pizza. As we went our separate ways, I walked home, tired but fulfilled. As October 10th, our final chance at the SAT, rapidly approached, I knew I had done something more than improve Gustavo's SAT score. I had helped someone in need of help, and, in the process, forged a lifelong friendship.

Others have told me that the third paragraph is random and contradicts with the main essay in that it deals with discrimination. What do you guys think about this? (And the other things as well, of course!)

Thanks for your time!

Undergraduate / MIT Short Answer #3 - Time you used your Creativity [6]

Tell us about a time you used your creativity. This could be something you made, a project that you led, an idea that you came up with, or pretty much anything else. (*) (200-250 words)

There is something instinctively thrilling about experimenting with music. Whenever practice becomes too dull, I can turn to my own mind and enjoy music the way it was meant to be enjoyed. When I improvise, I stop imagining what my teacher would say about my mistakes. I stop wondering whether my interpretation of a piece is too outlandish. I stop worrying about the texture of my crescendos, the timing of my rubatos, or the accuracy of my dotted eighth notes.

I stop thinking, and simply do.

From the first hesitant note springs another. I coax the music out at first, but soon I am completely immersed in its flow. A progression of chords forms the bedrock of my improvisation, while a clear melody forms its voice. When I become more daring, the tempo increases and new harmonies lead me towards the unknown. As rich chords combine with frenzied melody, the drizzle becomes a torrential downpour. The room thunders and the piano shakes, but I hardly notice. I continue to improvise, pouring all my energy into the piano, losing track of time. It seems like an hour before my music starts to mellow out, coming to a natural conclusion. The storm is over. I finish the improvisation the way I started it, with a final, delicate note.

Undergraduate / Piano; practicing a classical piece satisfies me, I can feel the tangible results of my improvement [9]

We know you lead a busy life, full of activities, many of which are required of you. Tell us about something you do for the pleasure of it. (100 words)

A piano's eighty-eight keys invites musical improvisation like nothing else. While practicing a classical piece satisfies me because I can feel the tangible results of my improvement, improvisation provides a different type of pleasure. There is something inherently daring about playing without a specific purpose in mind; when I improvise, I have absolutely no idea what's going to happen next. Far from limiting me, this allows me to explore the possibilities of every note with total freedom. It's definitely a refreshing diversion from the rigid routine of repetition needed to progress in classical music, a diversion I fully savor.

Undergraduate / 'Materials Science and Engineering' - MIT Short Answer: Which Department? [10]

Although you may not yet know what you want to major in, which department or program at MIT appeals to you and why? (100 words or fewer)

Without engineering, we would not be able to stroll the Great Wall, watch television, or drink filtered water. Engineers are the worker bees of the world, always accomplishing something vital. Yet all that will pale in comparison to what can be done with nanotechnology, which is why I am most interested in MIT's Department of Materials Science and Engineering. It would be an honor to research the latest nano-materials, knowing that my labor could potentially change the world. To be a worker bee, contributing to the future sustenance of the world, is an opportunity I do not want to miss.

I worked hard to get this to no more than 100 words...haha. Should I be more specific? More general? Omit the opening examples? Do other things? Thanks.