Unanswered [6] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by Pikafu
Joined: Aug 18, 2009
Last Post: Nov 23, 2009
Threads: 4
Posts: 15  

From: United States

Displayed posts: 19
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Pikafu   
Nov 23, 2009
Undergraduate / How the zeigeist of my class has shaped me. [3]

Hmm..."The fives years of my high school career...?"

"During classes, our curriculum is a fortified version" - fortified version of what?

"Parts, and sometimes the entirety, of these Mini trips are actually organized by the students."

"I realized soon after entering that class that I was amongst the crème de la crème" - OH GOD PLEASE DO NOT THAT PHRASE. Just say "top" or something. It just makes that sentence sound cliched.

"Each moment of everyday" - It should be every day. Everyday means commonplace. Every day means every. single. day.

"...gaining more than three hundred hours of work and volunteer experience at American Eagle Outfitters, XXXX Church and XXXX Animal Shelter respectively and singing in various choirs" - Sounds like you're listing your accomplishments here in a resume-like manner. Avoid this. This is why you have a resume. You can just cut the sentence off after "three hundred hours of work and volunteer experience".

Your conclusion is good. Better than your intro, in fact. I advise that you stick your conclusion where your intro is, because it flows better and gives a much better "hook" into it than where it is placed currently, where it just ends suddenly.

Also, about the title. I didn't know what the hell a zeigeist was (which, by the way, is spelled zeitgeist). In fact, I thought it was a ghost (confused it with poltergeist). I'm sure you could find more simple words that get the point across just as well.
Pikafu   
Nov 23, 2009
Undergraduate / Include a short response explaining why you want to attend Brandeis. [4]

Being an Asian immigrant, I am eager to meet and to live with students of different ethnicities and backgrounds .

I'm a little worried about your introduction, specifically, your mention of your desire to attend Brandeis being affected by its listing on the USNWR rankings. This makes it appear like you were scrolling down the list of top colleges and only considering the ones ranked near the top. Cut the whole ranking thing, and if you must, put it somewhere NOT in the introduction or try to make it not sound like you picked Brandeis because of its specific rank (31). You can say that "the rankings certainly do not contradict me" or something, but try not to state it so clearly.

Also, the conclusion is a bit abrupt. Your final sentence doesn't make sense because you are not trying to meet the expectations of the average student. You are trying to meet or exceed what is expected of those students. Catch my drift? But anyways, I'm not even sure that's a good sentence to put down, because you are directly comparing the student body of Brandeis to yourself. Having never gone to Brandeis and knowing absolutely nothing about what is expected of students there aside from possibly information from friends or family, do you really want to make such a strong statement? Also, referring to the sentence I corrected at the top of my post, how does being an Asian immigrant make you want to live with students of different ethnicities and backgrounds? How about being a socially curious person, or a person that enjoys diversity?

But anyways, I like how you wrote about Brandeis's alumni and their different roles. Shows you care enough about the school to research that. Good job.
Pikafu   
Nov 22, 2009
Undergraduate / fascinated with nature and the way things work -Describe the world you come from [4]

As a child, I was always fascinated with nature and the way things worked . At home, I spent hours looking at the trees around my neighborhood for cicadas, dragonflies, and butterflies, so that I could observe them with a magnifier and understand how each member of these tiny creatures functioned. In school, science was always my favorite subject, particularly biology. Dissection labs during life science classes sparked my interest in various organisms' body parts, and my fascination grew as I began to see how amazing life is (consider revising to something less "cliche"). The ability of every organism to breathe and adapt to different environments motivated me to pursue my interest in science. To me, every little part of each organism is important. (consider inserting somewhere else, because this is a choppy sentence that doesn't really fit as the closing sentence of your 1st paragraph).

I only corrected the first paragraph grammatically. I think it does a decent job of introducing your interest in organisms. I also like the second paragraph (but it needs many grammar corrections which I'll attempt to do later if someone else doesn't do it) because it describes how each additional subject you've taken has influenced your interest and knowledge about the human body. However, the third paragraph introduces you volunteering at a hospital, but only spends a sentence or two doing so. It seems a bit sudden and could do with a little more streamlining into the rest of the essay. Perhaps introduce by saying "After I had a chance to test my interests in the real world by volunteering at a local hospital, I discovered my ideal job" or something. Also, the bit about helping people seems a little sudden since all you've talked about up till this point was purely centered around your academic interests.

Overall, this essay has a good foundation, but needs some polishing up. I hope this helped!
Pikafu   
Nov 19, 2009
Undergraduate / CommonApp Essay: Helping a Friend [3]

Thanks for your suggestions! I do need to describe the extent of our friendship more and correct the things you wrote.

Yes, it seems like a paragraph on how I met Gustavo would be helpful to illustrate the "before-after" effect of this essay. I'll integrate that into my second paragraph. Thanks especially for the suggestions about the third paragraph, because I'd been stuck on what to do with it for quite a while now.
Pikafu   
Nov 19, 2009
Undergraduate / "Born in China mainland" - Dickinson essay [10]

Born and brought up in mainland Chinacomparatively remote area of China mainland, I witnessed much poverty and destitution. Poor people always suffered from a shortage ofwere short of fundamental properties accommodation and food. A family'sTheir family's most valuable electronicsmost valuable possessions might be a clock or a radio. Such families were unable to afford their children's education, and there were always . There were used to be poor kidschildren who need our help and sympathy even in my class around me . Though recently yearsrecently , the overall economics of the countryChina's overall economy has soared dramatically, poverty and inequity still exist somewhere . Educational inequity emerges in the provinces where there are no prominent local universities. These issues are still pending, waiting for us to deal with.

I deleted unecessary sentences and inserted commas to make the sentences flow better. Although I only edited the first paragraph, I can see that your ideas are good, it's just the grammar and such. Good job.
Pikafu   
Nov 18, 2009
Undergraduate / Thanksgiving night; UC Prompt #1 - Traditions [7]

I disagree with amaryrose. I think that the ending sentence is just the right way to end the essay, to connect the introduction with the rest of the essay in the most succinct way possible. For me, at least, the reference was pretty clear, as the introduction was different from the rest of the essay (so I kept it in my mind). Therefore, when I got to the end of the essay, I was pleasantly surprised by the reference to the beginning. It gives the essay a satisfying finish, a literary "echo", if you will, in my mind.

Also, I think the beginning is fine. If anything, I would make this correction:

"And not much later, I was introduced to the wishbone. Although I had eaten small strips of turkey beforeturkey before, but usually in thin strips of circles, andI was baffled by this monstrous sight before me, as my own family never celebrated Thanksgiving."

It's a bit shorter now, but not by much.

Great essay, I like it a lot.
Pikafu   
Nov 18, 2009
Undergraduate / CommonApp Essay: Helping a Friend [3]

Please read and criticize, I need the criticism and welcome it. This is my CommonApp Essay on the topic of my choice

Helping a Student Friend



The hallways were deserted except for a custodian sweeping up the day's litter. Outside, the cries of birds and athletes mingled to produce a pleasant drone. In the empty classroom, the only sound was that of my voice explaining the intricacies of the SAT math section. My assignment, however, was not obligatory, and my student was not an anonymous person. He was my classmate, and soon to be, best friend, Gustavo.

When Goose and I were juniors, we had a discussion about the SAT Reasoning Test. When he told me his score, I was shocked. Goose immigrated from Colombia when he was seven, and like me, had to learn English as a second language. Despite these challenges, he puts full effort into everything he does, never takes the easy way out, and cares about his academics more than anyone I know. He deserved a better score.

Like Gustavo, I know the pain of adjusting to a new environment. When I was nine, my mother and I were walking back home when we passed a barber shop when suddenly, a teenager on a bike rushed past us and yelled "Go back to China!" Immediately, another teenager dashed of the barber shop and apologized profusely for the first teen's behavior. He didn't have to help. He wouldn't have benefited in the slightest. He came simply because he wanted to. That single incident made me realize that sometimes, no reason other than a willingness to help is all that is needed to change someone's situation for the better. As I reflected on the teenager who defended my mother and I, I felt a strong urge to return some of the appreciation I felt. The SAT, I decided, was a challenge Gustavo did not have to face alone.

Gustavo and I started meeting after school once or twice a week to prepare for the SAT. While my sole intention was to improve his scores, a side-effect of these meetings was that we quickly became great friends. I loved teaching him, and I could tell he appreciated my unconditional support. In the process of helping him, I learned how similar we are. We are both proficient at ball sports, he at golf and I at tennis. We both love nature and the outdoors. We have a similar sense of humor. The more we practiced for the SAT, the closer we became. Once, he loaned me his jacket while I was waiting for the city bus because I was shivering. I knew then that I had a true friend.

After we finished our review, we walked to the student parking lot, a familiar routine. The air was damp and cool, a marked contrast to the warm, drowsy air of the classroom. The cool breeze reminded me that Autumn was approaching. Gustavo drove us to Springdale Pizza, where we each had three delicious slices of warm, juicy pizza. As we went our separate ways, I walked home, tired but fulfilled. As October 10th, our final chance at the SAT, rapidly approached, I knew I had done something more than improve Gustavo's SAT score. I had helped someone in need of help, and, in the process, forged a lifelong friendship.

Others have told me that the third paragraph is random and contradicts with the main essay in that it deals with discrimination. What do you guys think about this? (And the other things as well, of course!)

Thanks for your time!
Pikafu   
Nov 18, 2009
Poetry / "Harsh Moments" - A Poem For School... [6]

Wow, I really like this poem. I like the imagery, the style, and especially the last paragraph, ending with a short "nothing". I can't really find anything wrong with this poem. I have a question though: why is the second to last line in italics?
Pikafu   
Oct 21, 2009
Undergraduate / "the best team in our district" - critique my short answer essay [7]

I think you should shorten the narrative portion of your short answer and focus on how football has taught you the lessons that you state in your last sentence. Another, more radical option, would be to cut entirely your narrative section and starting with this:

When I started playing football in junior high I only expected to get the superficial things out of it...

Also, I have a problem with this sentence:

...I realize those loses and wins taught me things that can't be taught by a person , like losing with pride, or winning with class, and regretting neither my or my team's mistakes.

I think you mean that the things football taught you can't be taught in the classroom, because people, your coach for instance, can certainly teach you the value of losing with pride and winning with class.
Pikafu   
Oct 18, 2009
Undergraduate / MIT Short Answer #3 - Time you used your Creativity [6]

Tell us about a time you used your creativity. This could be something you made, a project that you led, an idea that you came up with, or pretty much anything else. (*) (200-250 words)

There is something instinctively thrilling about experimenting with music. Whenever practice becomes too dull, I can turn to my own mind and enjoy music the way it was meant to be enjoyed. When I improvise, I stop imagining what my teacher would say about my mistakes. I stop wondering whether my interpretation of a piece is too outlandish. I stop worrying about the texture of my crescendos, the timing of my rubatos, or the accuracy of my dotted eighth notes.

I stop thinking, and simply do.

From the first hesitant note springs another. I coax the music out at first, but soon I am completely immersed in its flow. A progression of chords forms the bedrock of my improvisation, while a clear melody forms its voice. When I become more daring, the tempo increases and new harmonies lead me towards the unknown. As rich chords combine with frenzied melody, the drizzle becomes a torrential downpour. The room thunders and the piano shakes, but I hardly notice. I continue to improvise, pouring all my energy into the piano, losing track of time. It seems like an hour before my music starts to mellow out, coming to a natural conclusion. The storm is over. I finish the improvisation the way I started it, with a final, delicate note.
Pikafu   
Sep 6, 2009
Undergraduate / 'Model United Nations' - MIT application essay.. Short response [17]

I see where the word "politics" would be vague if you're trying to convey your interest in MITMUNC. Maybe you could say "the end of high school only marks the beginning of my involvement with MUN, which I hope to continue at MIT" or something along the lines of that.
Pikafu   
Sep 5, 2009
Undergraduate / Piano; practicing a classical piece satisfies me, I can feel the tangible results of my improvement [9]

Thanks for the input, guys. I do wish to go more in depth and write more freely about how I feel when I improvise, but there's that 100 word limit. Maybe I should also include the fact that I don't improvise according to any piece - I literally sit down in front of the piano and play stuff that comes to my mind. Do you guys feel that this could be a decent CommonApp essay (the main one) if I fleshed it out more?

Oh, and I'm a guy :D
Pikafu   
Sep 4, 2009
Undergraduate / Piano; practicing a classical piece satisfies me, I can feel the tangible results of my improvement [9]

We know you lead a busy life, full of activities, many of which are required of you. Tell us about something you do for the pleasure of it. (100 words)

A piano's eighty-eight keys invites musical improvisation like nothing else. While practicing a classical piece satisfies me because I can feel the tangible results of my improvement, improvisation provides a different type of pleasure. There is something inherently daring about playing without a specific purpose in mind; when I improvise, I have absolutely no idea what's going to happen next. Far from limiting me, this allows me to explore the possibilities of every note with total freedom. It's definitely a refreshing diversion from the rigid routine of repetition needed to progress in classical music, a diversion I fully savor.
Pikafu   
Sep 4, 2009
Undergraduate / 'Model United Nations' - MIT application essay.. Short response [17]

I think that this sentence is a little confusing and wordy:

"Ironic how an African country's vote counts as a veto power country's."

I suggest that you should delete this sentence, because if I found it confusing, an admissions officer going through hundreds of applications in a day will probably do so as well (but then again, maybe it's just the way I read it). Also, this sentence expresses your opinion about a country you were debating about, which normally isn't a bad thing, but on a short answer question such as this, with only 100 words to spare, it doesn't contribute much to the prompt of "the things you do for pleasure".

Also, the last sentence of your most recent short answer is sort of "forced" in there. To me, it just seemed like a random reference to MIT's Model U.N. program. I liked the final sentence of your first short answer more, because it did not state that you would like to continue Model UN at MIT so explicitly; instead, it was implied and more subtle:

"Gladly, graduating from high school is not going to be the end of it, what I did was just the beginning." 

If I may, I'll correct this:

"However, the end of high school only marks the beginning of my involvement with politics."

I think that if you substitute the last sentence of your first response into your most recent draft, you'll make it more memorable.
Pikafu   
Aug 21, 2009
Undergraduate / Who I Want To Be> Undergraduate Admissions, Personal Statement [7]

Overall, I think the essay is a great one in that it states a specific experience and what you learned from that experience.

However, I think that you should elaborate more on the effect of the guilt on yourself, not to make you look better to colleges, but as an effective literary technique. If you explain more about your guilty feelings after what you did, then talk more about your growing realization of how much Mrs. Arc's attitude allowed her to move on and forgive, the essay will sound more effective as a whole.

And I don't think you should delete the metaphors comparing yourself to a robber or a spy. They are good imagery and do not convey you to be a criminal who does these actions habitually because you obviously learned an important lesson from the experience.

"Who ever made the signs stayed anonymous, and life went on but I learned this incredible lesson: attitude is everything."

This sentence is a run-on. It can sound a lot better like this: Who ever made the signs stayed anonymous, and life went on. However, I learned this incredible lesson; attitude is everything.

I also agree that the "attitude is everything" line is sort of cliched and overused. Try to use a different one, like "your attitude defines your actions" or "how you act is defined by your attitude", etc. Not that my phrases are that much better, but you get the point.
Pikafu   
Aug 19, 2009
Undergraduate / 'Materials Science and Engineering' - MIT Short Answer: Which Department? [10]

Thanks for the responses guys.

As I take it, I should delete/shorten the first examples. Then I should relate my interest in nanotechnology to the department I find most appealing at MIT, because the link there is a little weak. I was trying to go for some inspiration/grand vision with the "helping the world" thing, but I can see where that's too vague. In general, I need to specify my reasons for choosing MIT's Department of Materials Science and Engineering and be more concrete about my goals. Thanks again! This is my first time on this forum, and I am pleasantly surprised to receive so much constructive criticism in a day or so.
Pikafu   
Aug 18, 2009
Undergraduate / 'Materials Science and Engineering' - MIT Short Answer: Which Department? [10]

Although you may not yet know what you want to major in, which department or program at MIT appeals to you and why? (100 words or fewer)

Without engineering, we would not be able to stroll the Great Wall, watch television, or drink filtered water. Engineers are the worker bees of the world, always accomplishing something vital. Yet all that will pale in comparison to what can be done with nanotechnology, which is why I am most interested in MIT's Department of Materials Science and Engineering. It would be an honor to research the latest nano-materials, knowing that my labor could potentially change the world. To be a worker bee, contributing to the future sustenance of the world, is an opportunity I do not want to miss.

I worked hard to get this to no more than 100 words...haha. Should I be more specific? More general? Omit the opening examples? Do other things? Thanks.
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