Posts by alexgzm

alexgzm

Jan 10, 2017

Scholarship / McGill: A Contemporary Figure and how does he inspire me [2]

Hey,

I was hoping to get some feedback on this essay for the McGill Scholarship application. The Prompt is:

Choose one person, either a contemporary or historical figure, and describe how you would have been influenced or inspired by that individual. (Max. 4000 characters)

Elon Musk,

He is without a doubt one of the most influential minds of our generation. Not only has he successfully developed multiple billion-dollar companies, but he has completely innovated each one of the fields in which he has been involved.

I recently saw an interview where he listed the 5 areas he considered the most important for the future of humanity. These areas are: the internet, sustainable energy, making life interplanetary, artificial intelligence, and rewriting genetics. And in just a bit over 20 years he has positively impacted in 3 of those 5 areas. He is continuously searching for new ways to improve humanity and this is one of the reasons why I consider him to be one of the most important contemporary figures.

I am fascinated by his views on success; for him it's not about being the richest person or the most powerful, but impacting humanity in the biggest way possible, even if these benefits aren't seen until much time has passed. And that's exactly what he has been doing since he graduated college. Focusing on fields that had been left behind for a while, with the exception of the internet, he planned to bring attention back to them as he thought they would be imperative to improve humanity's future.

And the things he has achieved unquestionably prove that his plans have worked out, with only 45 years, he has created one of the most successful sustainable energy companies in the U.S, the most successful electric car company in the world, the biggest online payment system used by hundreds of millions of people, and one of the most promising space-travel companies, with plans to inhabit Mars in the next 20 years. And although none of these accomplishments were easy to achieve, all of them show that Musk is not only a brilliant mind but one that doesn't settle.

I find him to be greatly inspirational because of everything he has done to improve our world. He may not be recognized as much as other tech innovators like Bill Gates or Steve Jobs, but I consider him to be just as remarkable and even more revolutionary. Although he doesn't build products that can be used by billions of people, like computers or smartphones; he creates things that can be way more revolutionary and beneficial for humanity in the near future. He's creates solutions to problems that almost no one pays attention to.

In my opinion, one of Musk's most inspiring characteristics is his self-confidence, I've never seen anyone like this before. Even when everybody told him that Tesla or Space X would never be successful because the conditions in which they were being built were completely unfavorable, he never lost faith in them and did everything in his power to keep those ideas alive. He even invested all the money he had earned from PayPal to make sure Tesla didn't go bankrupt. Thanks to this ideal I've understood that sometimes there's nothing more important than believing in yourself. There will be times in which the only person that backups your ideas is you, and if you don't have enough confidence in what you do, how can you expect someone else to have it.

Although he could have stopped right after the success of PayPal, he knew he could still achieve so much more. And that's the biggest lesson I've gotten from Elon Musk, never settle. Just because one thing works out doesn't mean you have to stop and consider yourself finished, there's always more that can and should be done.

Thanks to Elon I know it's ok to have out-of-this-world ideas, to always want more, but most importantly, it's ok to try make your childhood dreams come true, as long as you're confident and ready to work endless hours to achieve them.

Thanks!

alexgzm

Jan 10, 2017

Writing Feedback / Raising driving age from 18 to 25. [6]

Hey,

Your essay looks really solid to me, I wouldn't change anything except for a light grammar touch:

... when they are on the road, ~~but~~ those who look ...

That's it, the rest of the essay is perfect.

Congrats!

alexgzm

Jan 10, 2017

Writing Feedback / The possession of car in a proportion of no car, one car, two cars, and more than two cars in Canada [4]

Hey,

Your text seems pretty solid to me. The last paragraph is a little bit confusing, you could improve your grammar in the last two sentences:

The last proportion is distributed among those who do not own any vehicles. It is less than a quarter or about 15% of the total adult population in Canada.

Also this:

The biggest group in this chart, with a little bit over 50%, is adult in Canada who has only one car in their garage. On the contrary, the smallest group with about 5% possess more than two cars for travel needs.

I think this improves the understanding of the paragraph and the essay in itself.

alexgzm

Jan 5, 2017

Undergraduate / The book all of Colgate's Class of 2021 should read [5]

@Holt
Thanks a lot! I'll make sure to do that.

And thank you for all your help with the essays I've been submitting, you have really been of invaluable help for me during this stressful process.

Best,
Alex

alexgzm

Jan 4, 2017

Undergraduate / The book all of Colgate's Class of 2021 should read [5]

@Holt

As always thanks for the comments, I followed your suggestions and chose a different book. I went with the 1932 novel "Brave New World", hope you can tell what you think of this one:

"Brave New World", by Aldous Huxley

My former history teacher recommended me this book last year, and it has completely changed my perception of modern society.

Even though it was written over 80 years ago, the dystopian world created by Huxley seems closer to our society than ever. Although the part about artificially designing people hasn't become a reality, most of the characteristics of his fictional world have. He created a society in which people are compelled to be passive thanks to all the amusements and distractions the government offers, similar to what I believe is happening nowadays.

With this book, Huxley critiques what the world was becoming in 1930, but most of what he critiqued has become our reality. We've become a passive society that isn't controlled solely by repression or censorship, but also by our own laziness. In his envisioned world, the government didn't need to censor or hide anything since most of the people had no interest in politics, they were too distracted by the entertainment and amusements the government provided, to even pay attention to the problems that arose.

I believe this is the book the 2021 Class should read because not only is it a great way to reflect on what our society is slowly becoming, but also because it kindles a discussion of whether we are becoming a passive society thanks to social media and technology, or if it's actually helping us be better informed citizens because of the easy way to share information.

alexgzm

Jan 4, 2017

Undergraduate / The book all of Colgate's Class of 2021 should read [5]

Hey,

I would love to get some comments and feedback on this supplement essay for Colgate University.

The prompt for the essay is: Colgate's core curriculum teaches students empathy, informed debate, and critical thinking. Please tell us what book or piece of literature you believe is important for the entire Colgate Class of 2021 to read. Why?

(250 words or less)

"The Shadow of the Wind", by Carlos Ruiz Zafón

I read this novel two summers ago and it hasn't left my mind. Despite being almost 600 pages long, I finished it in under two nights.

It's about Daniel, a kid from Barcelona who falls in love with a novel he finds at the "Cemetery of Forgotten Books", but when he starts looking for more works from the same author, he discovers that someone has burned all the copies of the author's books, except for the one he owns. This drags Daniel into a quest to find the author, but during his mission he will also discover a hidden world of secrets, murder, and love.

This is the book the 2021 Class should read because it promotes love for literature, something I believe our generation has forgot in the past years. Even though it presumes to be a regular novel, its unique value stands within the message given by Ruiz Zafón: a book can be a life-changing experience, therefore, we should never deny ourselves the opportunity to be immersed by a book.

Maybe it was just my experience, although I doubt it, but this book changed my perspective on literature. With the author's idea that not necessarily all the best books are written by the best-selling, famous writers; I understood there are lots of great minds who come unnoticed and it's in us to discover them.

This book will undoubtedly promote passion for broad learning to new Colgate students.

Thanks for the help!

alexgzm

Jan 4, 2017

Undergraduate / Aspiring to Help Others as the way to achieve success - Essay A [4]

Hi,

As pointed before, I think the problem here is that you present a very interesting story at first, but in your second paragraph you completely debunk it because you completely changed the tone and the idea the reader gets of what you're trying to say. I believe you could change your first paragraph or try to relate it with something where you helped others; maybe after overcoming your own fear you helped someone else overcome their fear of public speaking or something like that, with this the reader will get a clear idea from the beginning of what your main point is and what is it that you're truly interested in, helping others.

Another thing I would improve is that after this sentence I believe that the Communication degree I could obtain from Texas A&M University will be an accomplishment that will one-day help many struggling children., you could explain how do you think you are going to help these struggling children and in which way does the Comm degree will prepare you and give you the tools to help them.

One final comment, in your second paragraph you are repeating too much "Texas A&M" and "Communication degree/major", I think you could use them a little bit less and substitute them with different words.

Overall good work, just needs to be modified a bit. Hope this helps!!

alexgzm

Jan 4, 2017

Undergraduate / TEDtalk conference contributed to my development on mathematics and other sciences [2]

Hey,
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Overall I think you've got a well-structured essay that's also interesting. In my opinion I would consider explaining a little bit more how did the video change you in an intellectual way, because even though you're showing the way you improved your performance, you're leaving behind how you improved intellectually, how did balancing your time made you more effective in your intellectual pursuits as well as your passions?

Also I found some grammar mistakes:

I... to work hard and leave the leisure ...

that way I'd always have fun while ...

I also learned about the importance of ...

Surprisingly, I became better in ... (You can erase the for me, it's not necessary.)

... if it is going to help me achieve what I want

alexgzm

Dec 31, 2016

Undergraduate / BUSINESS STRATEGIES AND TRADITIONS. College search - UPenn supplement essay [7]

@Holt

As always, thank you very much for your help on the essays!!

alexgzm

Dec 30, 2016

Undergraduate / BUSINESS STRATEGIES AND TRADITIONS. College search - UPenn supplement essay [7]

Hey @Holt @chizy7 @Hthmn

First of all, thanks for all the comments and suggestions on the essay. I made some changes according to what you told me and this is the corrected version:

Ever since I told my parents I want to study outside of Mexico they've kept asking me which school is my favorite option, my answer has always been the same, the University of Pennsylvania. From the first time I encountered its webpage I knew it was the place where I wanted to spend the next years of my life. I am convinced it's the only school that offers me a rigorous but flexible course of study as well as amazing opportunities to foster my passions; all within an ever growing diverse community.

Wanting to pursue finance as my academic interest, Penn came above all other schools because of all the possibilities that I'm given. Classes such as "International Financial Markets" and "Venture Capital and the Finance of Innovation" make me eager about the opportunity to study at Penn, with them I'll finally get a real insight on my favorite topics within finance, technology and international markets; I won't be stranded anymore to have to teach myself these topics using Khan Academy videos and the Bloomberg Mobile App.

In addition to amazing courses, the help of world class faculty as well as state of the art resources such as Wharton's Learning Lab, where I look forward to get experience with the IEMAV simulation to learn how actual CFO's have to face troubling scenarios, make me believe there's no reason for Penn students to graduate without the best preparation possible in real world experience.

And it's not only the fact that I would get the best possible preparation, but also the most extensive one. By making use of your one-university system I would make sure to steer my College of Arts & Sciences courses towards Urban Studies; a subject I have the desire to learn more about. Sitting in courses like "Urbanization and its Discontents" would enlarge my perspective of how by applying modern social and political knowledge we can improve the economic conditions of many struggling cities. I also plan on being part of the almost 20% of students who pursue a minor degree, in my case Consumer Psychology. The mix between psychology, marketing, and statistics could really enhance my finance career by helping me develop strong bridges between consumer behavior and business strategies.

As a non-traditional learner, I also seek beyond-the-classroom experiences to widen my intellectual horizons. I am particularly interested in joining the Wharton Undergraduate Finance Club and Penn International Impact Consulting. By being part of these clubs I believe I could really enrich my Penn experience. Not only would I get to meet and interact with people who share the same passion as I, but also learn real world skills that no class could teach me, and thanks to the PIIC, I would use these skills to benefit those in need. Aside from joining meaningful clubs, I'd make sure to use other amazing Penn resources such as getting a summer internship in Singapore at one of the biggest telecom companies, or participating in future UPMUN Conferences, something I'm passionate about which I believe help meet new people and gain experience on politics and public speaking, essential skills for a business career.

Even though I never had the chance to visit campus, I've seen and read so much about it that I practically feel I have been there. I've pictured myself walking down the stairs of Huntsman Hall discussing with a Wharton fellow whether we should go study at HubBub or at the Education Commons; and I can't wait to hear the classic "Here's a toast to dear old Penn" to know it's my turn to finally take part in one of Penn's most unique and worshiped traditions. The academics may have awoken my interest in Penn, but it was the school community that made me wish I was a quaker.

Hope to hear some more comments on it, Thanks!

alexgzm

Dec 29, 2016

Undergraduate / BUSINESS STRATEGIES AND TRADITIONS. College search - UPenn supplement essay [7]

Hey, You must learn what a good title of a topic is before posting on the forum.

I would love to get some help with the content and the grammar of my essay, it's the supplement essay for UPenn which goes:

How will you explore your intellectual and academic interests at the University of Pennsylvania? Please answer this question given the specific undergraduate school to which you are applying. (400-650 words)

I'm open to all constructive criticism, suggestions and comments about it.
Thanks in advance!

Business Strategies and Traditions

When I started my college search a year and a half ago, I was convinced that I needed to find a place that would foster my intellectual pursuits and give me certain flexibility on them, as well as on my passions outside the classroom. Penn instinctively came up as my first option.

Wanting to pursue finance as my academic interest, Penn came above all other schools because of all the possibilities that I'm given. Classes such as "International Financial Markets" and "Venture Capital and the Finance of Innovation" make me eager about the opportunity to study at Penn, with them I'll finally get a real insight on my favorite topics within finance, technology and international markets; I won't be stranded anymore to have to teach myself these topics using Khan Academy videos and the Bloomberg Mobile App. But besides amazing courses, the help of world class faculty as well as state of the art resources such as Wharton's Learning Lab, where I look forward to get experience with the IEMAV simulation to learn how actual CFO's have to face troubling scenarios, make me believe there's no reason for Penn students to graduate without the best preparation possible in real world experience.

And it's not only the fact that I would get the best possible preparation, but also the most extensive one. By making use of your one-university system I would make sure to steer my College of Arts & Sciences courses towards Urban Studies; a subject I have the desire to learn more about, which I believe is crucial to get a better understanding of our globalized society. Sitting in courses like "Urbanization and its Discontents" would enlarge my perspective of how by applying modern social and political knowledge we can improve the economic conditions of many struggling cities; and understand how a new way of planning communities can help us eradicate modern problems like lack of water, and cities being reliant on the country for food.

Besides taking advantage of this system by pursuing Urban Studies, I would also enrich my academic path at UPenn by being part of the almost 20% of students who also pursue a minor degree, in my case Consumer Psychology. I am particularly interested in this minor because I could apply it to enhance my finance career. The mix between psychology, marketing, and statistics makes it an ideal academic path for a student like myself wishing to develop strong bridges between consumer behavior and business strategies.

I believe all the opportunities the Wharton School and Penn as a university offer will nurture my future career in a way that no other school can, the experiences I get here will undoubtedly change my life for the better. Manage a $1 billion portfolio with my team to get a real understanding of all the factors that are influential in trading, gather with a study group at the Van Pelt Library to try master Financial Derivatives, or be a delegate on the 51st UPMUNC, are a tiny portion of the countless experiences I expect to have during my stay in Philadelphia.

Sadly, I never had the chance to visit campus, but I have seen and read so much of it that I practically feel I've been there. I've pictured myself walking down the stairs of Huntsman Hall discussing with a Wharton fellow whether we should study at HubBub or at the Education Commons; and I can't wait to hear the classic "Here's a toast to dear old Penn" to know it's my turn to finally take part in one of the university's most unique and worshiped traditions.

alexgzm

Dec 29, 2016

Undergraduate / Yale Supplement- The Phenomenon of Link hopping. [4]

Hey,

The way you're telling the story is really good! I really like how you connect the internet with discovering new information and trying to establish connections between these discoveries. But I think you could put maybe less examples of discoveries you made and explain a little bit more why you decided to read about these topics and what is it that interested you from them.

And also as it was said before, It can't be inferred what is it that you love to do here, we just know you're someone who likes to learn things on the internet and read about multplie subjects, but I think you could explain a bit more why are you doing this and what's the activity you're trying to explain with this.

alexgzm

Dec 29, 2016

Undergraduate / NYU's personality--multi-cultural, logistician, and open-minded [7]

As said before, your essay seems really good. You give personal aspects of yourself without leaving the academics and the passions out, in your third paragraph I think you could specify you're talking about Fibonacci so the reader knows that you're not just putting facts you read but you actually know what you're talking about.

In my opinion your last sentence shouldn't be changed, it actually gives it a bit of a short closure and I like that.

Very good essay overall !

alexgzm

Dec 26, 2016

Undergraduate / Reciting a poem backwards. Lehigh. You've just reached your one million hit on your youtube video. [7]

Hey, @nandasharma

I get what you mean and I believe you're right, the reason I did it that way was because I read in a college essay help page called CollegeVine that Lehigh was literally "begging" to take out my weird side with this essay and that I should show them something that they could never know about if it weren't from this essay, they even gave the example of an essay of someone who did its essay of a video of him dancing when he was little to an embarrassing song; that's why I went with such a weird knack.

But I realize you are also right with your points of what they're asking me, so I'm really in a middle point of if I should change the essay completely or not.

@Holt @nandasharma
I changed again the essay now trying to follow the idea of how my videos would enrich the community or how they could help. Here it is:

Eht oediv swohs em gniticer a meop sdrawkcab. (Invert it)

I acquired this quirky talent 10 years ago. I used to play a game in my head that consisted in looking for license plates where the letters added had the same value as the numbers added. This game led to me being able to flip over any word in my head just by hearing or reading it.

A year ago I opened a channel where I present poems backwards to promote poetry to young generations, who seem to have forgotten about it. I also explained techniques to improve backwards speaking. With this, viewers can broaden their knowledge of poetry and gain practice on an unusual skill. A non-traditional way of learning.

At first viewers don't understand the poem because it's backwards, meanwhile I record everything with an app that inverts audio. When I finish reciting the poem, I play the reverse audio so the actual poem is heard, give a small analysis of it, and show how to improve fluent backwards speaking.

My last video went viral because I recited my favorite poem from Jorge Luis Borges, "Poema de los Dones". It's about how going blind was both a gift and a punishment, Borges couldn't read anymore, but thanks to this he created most of his literature. The idea that beautiful literature came out from something so gloomy, related perfectly to my videos where poems come out from weird sounds of backwards speaking.

Passions with a unique touch create success.

Hope you can help!

alexgzm

Dec 26, 2016

Undergraduate / Lehigh Essay. What do you and Lehigh have in common? [8]

@Holt

Hey, I tried to change the last paragraph according to your comments, what do you think about it:

And speaking of math and finances, few other things can be considered a universal language, for example art or food. But Lehigh and I share another one, passion for sports, specifically soccer. Few things can compare to the atmosphere in a "El Clásico" match between America and Chivas or Mexico vs U.S, but I can easily picture myself in a similar atmosphere during a Lehigh-Lafayette game. I'm sure almost everyone at campus knows how good it feels to see your team beat its biggest rival at home, a feeling I hope to experience at Lehigh, both for my soccer teams and the Mountain Hawks.

Thanks!

alexgzm

Dec 26, 2016

Undergraduate / Reciting a poem backwards. Lehigh. You've just reached your one million hit on your youtube video. [7]

@Holt

You're right, I only posted half of the prompt, the entire prompt is: You've just reached your one millionth hit on your YouTube video. What is the video about?

I understand what you're trying to say, could you help me give that tone to my essay but maintaining the same performance. What you're saying is that I should explain sort of why the video became viral and how can that relate to Lehigh?

Thanks for all your help and also thank you a lot @mualla

@Holt

I did changes to the essays according to the comments made and I think it got the desired tone, but still, I would love some more suggestions and comments on it:

Eht oediv swohs em gniticer a meop sdrawkcab.
The video shows me reciting a poem backwards.

I acquired this quirky talent 10 years ago. I used to play a game in my head that consisted in looking for license plates where the letters added had the same value as the numbers added. This game led to me being able to flip over any word in my head just by hearing or reading it.

...

alexgzm

Dec 25, 2016

Undergraduate / Reciting a poem backwards. Lehigh. You've just reached your one million hit on your youtube video. [7]

Hey everyone, I hope you could help me with some comments and constructive criticism for this Lehigh supplemental essay, I tried talking about a weird talent I have to make it more personal. The essay should be 150-250 words.

Thanks!

MY TALENT

Eht oediv dluow eb fo em gniticer a meop sdrawkcab.
The video would be of me reciting a poem backwards.

I acquired this quirky talent when I was around 8 years old and started playing a game in my head where I would look for license plates in which the three letters of the plate added had the same value as the three numbers added. With this game I developed the ability to change the letter's order in a word, which somehow led to me being able to flip over any word in my head as soon as I hear or read it.

At first I would practice in my head and didn't show this skill anyone because at the age of 8, I thought a strange talent like that would condemn me as a freak. But later on I realized its actually traits like this that make a person unique and instead of trying to hide them, we should foster them because they add up to one's singularity.

Now I like to challenge myself with the help of my friends so that I keep improving this quirkiness, my biggest challenge so far has been reciting a Jorge Luis Borge's poem backwards in Spanish class. I can only do this correctly in Spanish but I've been working on my backwards English as well.

Youtube is full of weird and amazing talents which is why I believe mine would be a good addition to the repertoire.

alexgzm

Dec 25, 2016

Scholarship / A genuine leader is not a searcher for consensus but a molder of consensus. Giving back to community [4]

Hey,

As a whole I think the tone of the essay is quite good, you talk about two great community service programs, as well as reflect in a very good way about MLK and his help to the world, which I think was a good way to introduce your essay.

There are some grammar mistakes that I found, the changes I did are marked in italics:

After doing these projects, I felt that I could contribute to society even though ...
This last sentence about them not being much of a deal, I think you could change it for something less casual, or erase it completely because it feels like you're diminishing your projects, which in fact are truly amazing projects that I think almost no one has experienced.

One of my plansis to solve marine problems, for example, (...) climate change and the reduction of sea life. The first step is learning more about marine science and technology, but in Thailand, there is lack of advanced technology for studyon these fields.

... the Global UGRAD program can help me achieve my goal,...
In addition, there are a lot of interesting marine projects. It would be great if I could participate in this program,so that I learn and gain more knowledge ...

... styles of education thatI can't be exposed to in my country.

Hope this helps, as a said before, your essay and the topics you talk about are pretty good.

Good luck!

alexgzm

Dec 25, 2016

Undergraduate / Lehigh Essay. What do you and Lehigh have in common? [8]

@Holt

Thank you very much for your suggestions, I guess I'll start looking for a different activity in which both the school and I have more things in common.

All of your comments were very helpful, I really appreciate it!

But now that I think about it, I think I didn't convey my message correctly, I'm not trying to say that Lehigh and I have similarities over the sport, but over the sport's passion. I know that football and soccer are completely the opposite but I'm trying to say that in the end even though they are different sports, the passion for supporting your teams remains the same, and that's why I would love to support their football teams as well as mine while I study there.

The problem I think is that I'm not showing the message correctly, and that's where I would love your help to improve it.

alexgzm

Dec 24, 2016

Undergraduate / Lehigh Essay. What do you and Lehigh have in common? [8]

Here are some of the changes I made to the essay following your suggestions, I would love to get some feedback on this one:

The trading floor of the stock market is a secret world I discovered over a lunch date with my father and a his friend who ended up showing us the inside of the Mexico Stock Exchange. As far as I can remember I kept thinking the people working there knew about a different world that the rest of us didn't, and I was convinced I needed to find a way to get in. But as an unconventional learner who seeks to get as much knowledge as possible from beyond the classroom experiences, I knew I had to find a school that could offer me these experiences as well as teach me all about my passion. Then I learned that Lehigh can help me unlock the secret world I longed to join thanks to its non-traditional ways of teaching, which tie in directly with my unconventional way of learning.

Facilities such as Mountaintop or the Financial Services Lab, combined with outside the classroom resources like the student-run investment portfolio or summer internships at Calvin Klein in Hong Kong are exactly what I hoped to find, they'll help me challenge all the ideals I have on traditional education and get me ready to face the challenges I'll find in the financial world by learning through real world experiences.

And speaking of math and finances, few other ...

alexgzm

Dec 24, 2016

Undergraduate / Particular interest in economics and psychology - Cornell Supplement [5]

Hey,

I think the flow of the essay is good in most terms, I really liked the first paragraph because it truly hooked me into reading more about your essay, but I think you could do some improvements to the second one because as you said, it becomes kind of contradictory so you may get a bit lost in there. I also liked the metaphor of economy as a dam. In the third paragraph I think is good that you set out an example of how psychology can be applied to the subject you like, but in my opinion you could explain a bit more why do you like it besides just having a connection to economy, the subject you truly seem to like most. As you did it in the second paragraph, you could use more your own words to describe you think psychology may benefit you and what you think it means for economy, rather than stating an example for most of the paragraph.

For the last paragraphs, I think they're good because they show you've actually done some research on the school and the resources they have to offer, but again in the fourth paragraph, instead of just defining what the class is about and how it relates to economics, you could tell more about why you would like to take that class and what you think it's interesting about it in your own words, because it seems like the only reason you want to study psychology is because it will make you a better economist rather than because you enjoy psychology.

I'm not really very good with grammar either but everything seemed fine to me.

Hope this helped.

alexgzm

Dec 24, 2016

Undergraduate / Lehigh Essay. What do you and Lehigh have in common? [8]

Hey, I was wondering if someone could help me with this supplemental essay, It's a bit late so I would love to get feedback as soon as possible, I'm having some trobule finding a good way to link the second and the third paragraph, and also giving the essay a strong conclusion. P.S: I'm from Mexico

passion for football

My love for finances began when I was 13, my dad invited me to lunch with a friend of his, before leaving for lunch his friend offered to show us around his office inside the Mexican Stock Exchange. A new passion emerged in me, not because of the intensity the people working there had, but because I felt that the world's secrets were hidden in there. It seemed like people working there knew a different world that I didn't, and I was eager to find about it.

As I get older my passion only grows, everyday I'll go through a review of the stock indexes and world currencies using my Bloomberg mobile app feeling like a trader; but I know there are still thousands of secrets I haven't discovered, and to do so I'll need the best help possible. Enters Lehigh; with all the opportunities the school offers, it would impossible to graduate without knowing by then all the secrets those people at the Mexican Stock Exchange knew. Facilities such as Mountaintop or the Financial Services Lab, combined with beyond the classroom resources like a student-run investment portfolio or a summer internship at Calvin Klein in Hong Kong make me believe Lehigh and I have a great passion for implementing finances and non-traditional ways of learning into daily life.

And speaking of math and finances, few other things can be considered a universal language, for example art or food. But Lehigh and I share another one, passion for football. Even though it's for a different type of football, the passion is the same. Few things can compare to the atmosphere in a "El Clásico" match between America and Chivas or Mexico vs U.S, and I can imagine it's almost the same as being in a Lehigh-Lafayette game. Which is why I'm sure almost everyone at campus knows how good it feels to see your team beat it's biggest rival at home, a feeling I hope to experience at Lehigh, both for my football teams and the Mountain Hawks.