Posts by SFTBNWH11

SFTBNWH11

Dec 23, 2017

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Independent Essay Sample ( The influence of information's availability in today's world ) [3]

Prompt: The widespread use of the internet has given people access to information on a level never experienced before. How does this increase in the availability of information influence life in today's world?

widespread information effects

Nowadays, we live in an environment where privacy is a myth. The world has experienced technology advancements never encountered in any other time throughout history. These inventions, the Internet for example, provides widespread and easy-to-access information. Thus, Does this increase in the availability of information influence life in today's world?

As intriguing and admirably inventive as the easy access to information seems, the Internet, treated as an unusual phenomenon, might showcase some incontrovertibly dangerous effects on life nowadays.

Privacy has been brutally invaded. Private life events, achievements, relationships and even work status has become available to all. Hence, anyone has the ability to figure out anyone's responsibilities and engagements and even manipulate them through the little details overtly unfolded to the world.

Aside from privacy invasion, the information we often have a contact with can represent a bad influence on our lives as it detects our interests and analyze our occupations to create a profile of all the attachments we have. Therefore, our choices can be manipulated and our personalities can be altered, usually negatively to make us greedier or much more tense and uncaring in our day-to-day lives.

To conclude, the free and enormously widespread information has substantial benefits for researches and human communication. Yet, we must avoid the causes of harm it creates.

SFTBNWH11

Dec 23, 2017

Writing Feedback / Prohibit the fast food industry from advertisement? Opinion essay. [6]

Dear Jimmy,

* Before looking deeper into your essay, I can clearly notice that you dismissed a crucial part: the introduction or the opening paragraph. When you are being asked to express your opinion in such prompts, you should speak generally of the whole topic. For this particular prompt, you ought to start by speaking about how many companies around the world use all sorts of advertisements to advocate their products. Then you move on to mention that some adhere to these methods applied on the junk food industry while other do not. Finally, you can optionally add a question like " ...Is it appropriate to apply advertisement techniques on such industry? ". Then, in the body paragraphs, you can explicit the arguments that back up the position you take regarding the topic.

* " ...for the allowance of advertisement to fast food commercials " --> The structure is, somewhat, heavy. How about " ...for allowing the advertisement of fast food... ".

* " ...the fast pace lifestyle of people " --> The use of "fast" is just inappropriate here as you are describing the lifestyle and " of people " is just misplaced. How about " ...the highly-paced, modern lifestyle.".

Those are just a few mistakes to point out. But, let me give you an advice: try to read more. Read articles of all sorts of topics. They not only provide you with a great insight into how to make well-written essays and improve your word-choice, they also make a momentous source of examples to add in your essays as they tackle similar topics to the ones you can expect on a TOEFL or IELTS test.

Finally, keep on writing and you will surely become a better writer.
Good Luck :)

SFTBNWH11

Dec 23, 2017

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2: Governments spending on promoting public health [3]

Dear Matthew,
I am going to highlight a few structural and meaning-related weaknesses to improve:
* " In recent decades, lifestyle-caused diseases..." --> I would use " lifestyle-related " because " Lifestyle-caused " refers to the diseases that are caused by a certain lifestyle, which is not accurate, as you should qualify the lifestyle (healthy, bad ...). I hope you got the meaning.

* " ...unexpected advantages " --> you ought to use " effective " to get the sought meaning of the argument.
* " ...it will eventually reduce substantially... " --> I did not appreciate the use of two consecutive adverbs. Not that the meaning is not clear or anything, but, it damages the structure of the sentence. Thus, I would recommend keeping " eventually " and changing the involvement of how important the reduction of medical expenditure is by saying " ...it will eventually reduce the average medical expenditure the governments spend on annual basis in major rates. "

* " Another compelling reason why public ..." --> I did not really get what you were explaining in the aforementioned sentence. Whatsoever, it had some clear structural mistakes.

Overall, your essay is good. If you keep practicing you will definitely improve.
Thank you!

SFTBNWH11

Aug 17, 2017

Writing Feedback / [Toefl] Buying a new technological device right away is better than waiting until many people... [4]

Dear Mattew,
Overall, I liked you essay. You respected the different parts of a TOEFL Essay and you did a good job in introducing your personal opinion, then explaining the reasons behind your choice. Nonetheless, I have some grammar and spelling remarks to make:

* ...and my view ... --> In the same sentence, you used "point of view" and "view". I think it would be more appropriate if you simply said: "and I think so for the reasons below"

* This is because there are few demands to buy the newly launched device in the beginning. --> Actually, prices get really high proportionally with the demand. In addition, when the product is newly launched, the demand is at its highest rates. Thus, you ought to say: "This is because demands starts growing at a very high rate when the device is newly launched, due to an efficient publicity, etc."

* ...one of the well-known reasearch lab ... --> you can either say: "a well-known research lab" or " one the most well-known research labs.." and use "laboratory" as you are writing an academic essay.

Finally, I reckon your writing skills are, definitely, improving from your previous ones. Just make sure to mind some mistakes you are doing. Keep on writing and you will improve fantastically.

Keep on the good work!
Yours, Majd Akkari.

SFTBNWH11

Aug 8, 2017

Writing Feedback / Patience. What is your approach to problem-solving? TOEFL Independent Essay [3]

* What is your approach to problem-solving, and how does it work for you? Use specific details to support your response.

Essay:

patience - the crucial key

Our lives can go as smooth as silk at times, yet, they tend to be harder and thicker at other times. We might face issues and problems. However, there is one paramount key that eases off all harsh situations. It is patience.

Patience is a strong term, sometimes tough to explain. A question is asked; what does patience have to do with problem solving?

It is the most fundamental when solving complicated issues. Learning how to be patient gives you the tools to manage your time wisely, find out, specifically, what is making you harm and, crucially, leads you to not lose your nerve when you are surrounded by worries and fears. For instance, looking through all successful people careers' debut, we can all agree on the fact that their progress was hard to achieve and their patience fed their hopes and dreams to be great so as they got through all the barriers they faced throughout their road to succeed

In addition, patience can take a wholly vast meaning as it symbolizes hope to change and to get over life issues. It is all about highlighting you problem solved and never taking your eyes off of it. I, personally, never doubt that I would figure out a way to change and correct my mistakes. That is how my beliefs and patience push me to keep on going.

To wrap up, people deal with problems in a variety of different ways. Yet, if you lack the crucial key called patience, you might end up being torn apart by the stakes and risks along the way.

SFTBNWH11

Aug 8, 2017

Writing Feedback / Toefl Essay- Which of the following is the kind of friend you would prefer to have? [4]

Dear Mattew,

First of all, your essay lacked a really important element to its coherence which is an introduction. However, you wrote one, yet, it lacks some components. For instance, in your overview paragraph, you gave your opinion on which type of friends you prefer like you are supposed to, however, you did not provide a cohesive overview to what are you going to discuss in the rest of your essay. Basically, you ought to start with something similar to this: "Friendships are a fundamental part in our lives. Being surrounded by a creative, caring and trustworthy group of friends, that supports you through thick and thin, is actually beneficial to our mental and psychological well-being ". A 1 to 2 sentence long overview plus what you have already wrote in your introduction would make it wholly complete.

Second of all, when you are working on your arguments, you need to make sure to make the difference between an example and an argument. An example's main aim is to reinforce the ideas you present in each of you arguments. Thus, basically, you can start off by explaining the characteristics of a considerate friend in general which leads you to speak about yourself and your own friends in particular. I hope you get what I mean. an example can be first or at last in an argumentative strategy, but, he cannot replace the argument. Also, "Next" is rather inappropriate to use at the start of your paragraph. Avoid it. You can use : "First of all", "Firstly" or simply "Basically" or "Well".

Finally, here are a few corrections to couple of your grammar and spelling mistakes;
* ...pay attention to what I worry. --> You can either say "to what I am worrying about" [That is kind of heavy to use here] or simply say "...to my worries".

* ...to share their time --> "..to spend some time"

Now, try to write more and You will eventually get better.
P.S: I will be passing the TOEFL this December myself.

SFTBNWH11

Aug 7, 2017

Writing Feedback / Children' better chance for development - in a rural place or in a big city? [2]

* It is better for children to grow up in the countryside than in a big city. Do you agree or disagree? Use specific reasons and examples to develop your essay.

Essay:

small town or a metropolis for a child's good?

The countryside, in comparison to big cities, outlines some widely different characteristics, environmentally speaking as well as socially. And, taking into consideration the rather special atmosphere children need to live in a healthy way as well as assure their well-being, which place is better to live in remains a prominent question.

Personally, I do not fully agree to the fact that growing up in the countryside is more beneficial to children than living in a big city, mainly because each one of the two different places are devoid of particular opportunities for children.

Firstly, if living in a small village on a plain where green is a dime a dozen and fresh air is the well of immortality, provides infinite and everlasting jubilation, shortage of Wi-Fi, transit and easy access to information may be a source of worry and surely will fret you even with the healthiest of environments. Thus, it is, definitely, a nightmare to live disconnected from social life.

Secondly, for a child, a big city would give him multiple opportunities to learn new skills, discover their talents and embrace their career at an early age. He or she would also be allowed to have all sorts of medical and diet help to have a strong body at the age where they need sufficient nourishment to be developed.

In conclusion, although a sane, clean and fresh atmosphere is absolutely needed for a little child, the city might be giving him or her the chance to have a well-balanced life in the long term by bringing the whole world to the kid's hands to explore.

--> Please Correct my mistakes and feel free to give any advices as I am working on enhancing my English
P.S: I will be passing the TOEFL as of December.