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Posts by YuAnne
Name: Yuan ZHOU
Joined: Jul 18, 2017
Last Post: Jul 23, 2017
Threads: 3
Posts: 6  
From: China

Displayed posts: 9
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YuAnne   
Jul 23, 2017
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: Argument on whether economic progress is the most important goal of governments [2]

Many governments think that economic progress is their most important goal. Some people, however, think that other types of progress are equally important for a country. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

different progress values



It is crucial for many governments to devote to economic development first, while some individuals believe that other kinds of progress have equal values. My view is that governments cannot develop economy without paying attention to some other aspects such as environmental protection and public education.

Some governments may believe that high-level economic achievement can be a foundation of other types of development. First of all, there will be increasing funding in the construction of basic facilities. As a result, more schools and hospitals can be built in communities so that it will be more available for children to receive education and for patients to see the doctor. Besides, a stable growth of economy can provide more job opportunities and higher salaries for employers, with which people will live in a rich and comfortable life.

However, it is too narrow to focus on economic progress only. Some people suggest that governments should devote equally to other areas. For example, environmental protection is one thing that cannot be ignored at any moment. Once there is air pollution, habitat destruction or extinction of wild animals, it will be hard to solve those problems and money may be useless. The education of legal and moral principles is important in the same way. If people become rich but violate the laws and rules according to their own wills, the stability and safety of the whole society can no longer exist.

In conclusion, it is worthwhile to develop economy so that more funding can be provided to the government and people earn more money to live a better life. However, I believe that other aspects play important roles in the society as well, so they should be paid more attention to and developed equally.

--
Thanks for reading my essay!
I am not very sure about the point in the third graph and I really look for your suggestion. Thank you!
YuAnne   
Jul 23, 2017
Writing Feedback / Prison or education is better to solve the problem of crime? [4]

@linhlol1749
Hello, your point is good, while it's better to pay attention to some usual grammatical mistakes, like there has, they are the place to..., the people and some others.

It would be better if you review the essay just after writing it and I believe you can avoid these mistakes.
Good luck!
YuAnne   
Jul 23, 2017
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: Graph of employment rates in three sectors of UK economy [8]

Hello Tommy,
I believe the suggestion above has been already helpful. Personally, I think you can use more academic words in your essay, and just for one more detail, I think the word data in the first sentence can be better replaced by figure.
YuAnne   
Jul 19, 2017
Writing Feedback / Do the drawbacks of video games (unhealthy lifestyle, distraction from study) outweigh the benefits? [5]

Today increasing number of people, in particular children and teenagers, play video games for fun. In your opinion, do the drawbacks of video games outweigh the benefits?

MY ANSWER



Nowadays, more and more people, especially the younger generation tend to spend their leisure time on video games. My view is that this trend can bring more drawbacks than the benefits.

First of all, playing video games makes people stay indoors for a longer time in their daily life. They prefer sitting in front of a screen rather to do sports outside, which is harmful for both their eyesight and physical posture. This unhealthy lifestyle also prevents people from going out with their friends and reduces their non-virtue communication, which is more likely to make people self-centered and lonely.

For young students who are addicted to video games, there is another extreme drawback that it has an adverse impact on their study. Children and teenagers are thought to be less self-controlled, which means that they may spend too much time on the games after school instead of focusing on their homework. Consequently, there can be a drop of their grades. Some teenagers may even lose the opportunity to enter a better university for being distracted their attention by video games.

However, it is true that video games can make people relax, particularly when they are under great pressure of work or study. Living in a modern society, many people have too limited time and energy to go for a concert or read a classical book to relax themselves. By contrast, video games can release their stress in a shorter time and easier way.

Overall, although video games can be a good choice of entertainment, I believe that people are affected by its disadvantages more. They may form an unhealthy lifestyle or get distracted from study when they are young. It is suggested that people should pay more attention to manage their time and restrict which is spent on video games.
YuAnne   
Jul 19, 2017
Student Talk / Hi everyone! Welcome at EssayForum thread. [414]

Hello everyone, so glad to be here.
I am a university student and I will take IELTS exam next month and I am poor at writing and speaking. I need 6.5 for both of them to enter my dream school for post-graduation, which makes me stressful since last time I got 5.5 only. :(

It is pleasantly surprised to find this website, because some English teaching organizations ask for about 5 pounds to check an essay and I make peanuts haha.
YuAnne   
Jul 19, 2017
Writing Feedback / OPINION ABOUT SHOPPING ONLINE [4]

Hello Gnad, I appreciate this paragraph because many details are included to support your opinions. This also inspires me.
I wonder if there are some grammatical mistakes in it, like in these two sentences:
First, because everything is selling (or sold?) online...
All information of the product includes (or including?) size, color, material and more...

YuAnne   
Jul 19, 2017
Writing Feedback / THE AVERAGE ATTENDANCE OF TOP-LEVEL SOCCER LEAGUES [4]

Hello, I believe there is enough time to improve your writing skills in 3 months, take it easy. :) And I think it may help to organize all the information and find some silimars and differences first, then you can present the information in a better way.
YuAnne   
Jul 19, 2017
Writing Feedback / [IELTS] Schools are no longer necessary because of the Internet... Agree or disagree? [4]

@Holt

Thank you very much for your suggestion!! Also, I feel sorry for the stupid spelling mistake in the first paragraph.

I've tried to improve the opening statement and the conclusion, and I wonder if they become better than before:

It is true that online courses and resources play an important role in modern education. Some people think that it is unnecessary for students to study at school, since they can stay at home and find study materials on the Internet. Personally, I strongly disagree with the opinion that schools are no longer necessary for several reasons.

...

Overall, my view is that it is necessary for students to go to school and attend their class, while they can still gain new information through the Internet. In the school, students can learn knowledge more effectively with certain help from educators and improve their social skills, which are difficult to achieve by studying at home.


Thanks again!
YuAnne   
Jul 18, 2017
Writing Feedback / [IELTS] Schools are no longer necessary because of the Internet... Agree or disagree? [4]

Some people believe that schools are no longer necessary, because students can get so much information through the Internet, and study just as well at home. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

necessity of attending schools



It is ture that online courses and resources play an important role in modern education. Some people think that it is unnecessary for students to study at school, since they can stay at home and find study materials on the Internet. Personally, I tend to disagree with this opinion.

First of all, well-experienced teachers can never be replaced by artificial intelligence. They know more about how to select beneficial materials for students and provide organized courses. They talk to students face to face in the classroom, so that they can find different questions of every student and figure them out accordingly. Besides, teachers can offer more help to their students in addition to the study. It is much easier to go through the hard time with their encouragement.

School education provides opportunity for students to meet their peers as well, which is very important to their growth. In the school, young children can develop friendship with students from different families. They learn to cooperate with each other, respect everyone in the class and be tolerant in a non-virtue way. If they stay at home, they may hardly communicate with others, and become too shy or self-centered to make friends in their life.

We have to admit that it is relatively convinient to study online. Students can easily get access to knowledge and information available, and take online course which allow them to study at any time they want. However, this new approach can be an assistant of traditional school education, but not to take the place of it. Students can be well-educated only with the tutorial from their teachers and communication with their classmates.

Overall, it is necessary for students to go to school and attend their class, while they can still gain knowledge through the Internet.
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