Writing Feedback / [TOEFL]Some people consider that our life is more complex than it was in the past [3]

@Holt
Happy to see you again, I say this because after the first you read my article titled as "an effective leader should try to make others part of the decision making process", you had gave me some useful suggestion, so later I wrote another article about the same topic. And I informed you with that, might be you are too busy to look over that essay. So If it won't bother you could you help me with that article? I will paste the link in the last of this reply.

Now, I want to ask more questions about this article, or more precisely about TOEFL independent essay. I have read many your replies or suggestions for others, and you always emphasize the first paragraph that we should repeat the original prompt, I agree with you. So I play careful attention to this essay, and use the words "complex life", "ability to plan and organize", also show my opinion, why don't you think I still fail to do well in the first paragraph? Hope that you won't fell I was so self-confidence to say that, I just want more recommendations to adjust myself style.

The second question is that do you want to say the uncommon research data exposes myself to the risk of forging data? So the examiner will suspect my essay's accuracy?

Comes my third question, if I use too much myself experiences, will it make my essay lack persuasion? Or besides individual's experiences, are there other methods I can use to make my article more logical?

Finally, thanks for your reading and reply.

Writing Feedback / [Toefl] an effective leader should try to make others part of the decision making process [13]

@Bankyfolarin
your corrections help me a lot ~, thank you.

Scholarship / One interest that makes me different from other students [5]

HaHa, you tell a funny story~
I just found out 1 problem, and you can check if i am right:
para 1:
From the age of 12 after a conversation with my parents in which the informed me about our families financial problems. This sparked an interest in finance;

maybe these two sentence actually should be combined, that is "At the age of 12 after a conversation with my parents in which they informed me about our families financial problems, this sparked me an interest in finance".

Scholarship / I've been living in a bungalow my whole life - influenced environment [6]

Martin, your essay gives me a sense of power, I really appreciate your essay. However, I think something is missing before your change in the essay. Now I want to show my confusion to you. Maybe you didn't depict what is the real thing to change you, I mean why you suddenly realize your parents hardness? Was there something special event happened or had you noticed something which was omitted by you before? I believe that if you add more detail will make your essay better. By the way, I think the advice from Holt should be considered too.

Writing Feedback / [Toefl] an effective leader should try to make others part of the decision making process [13]

@Martin101 I have some explanation and questions. If you have time, thanks for your patience to look over them.
Para 2:
Sentence 3: "Like in (insert 'the') classroom, teachers are (insert 'can') hardly get rid (insert 'eliminate') of any (insert 'all their') mistakes, they need our students' notices."(<honestly don't know what 'they need our students' notices' means. would remove)

Explanation: might be I left "so", that is to say "Like in the classroom, teachers can hardly get eliminate of all their mistakes, so they need our students' notices to correct some errors."

Para 3:
Sentence 4: "... assignments without any suggestion (insert ' contribution to the project') as well as novelty."(really not sure about 'as well as novelty')
Explanation: novelty means creation(actually I don't sure if this word makes you clear). I want to express that employee can add some creative elements to their assignments right. But if I take your advice and use "the contribution to the project" before, I no more need to add such noun again, because it is included in the former range?

Para4:
Sentence 3: "So a harmonious phenomenon is critical."(<not sure about this)
Explanation:sorry for my wrong spelling, I want to mean "crucial"
Sentence 5: "Later the team fill with grasp and laughter."(<again not sure. what does grasp mean in this context)
Explanation:wrong spelling again, "gossip/talk", could you fit it in the context now?

Now I want to explain the meaning of the word "phenomenon" repeatedly occurring in the Para4 to you: actually I want to deliver the meaning of "environment", but here, I want to emphasize the sense of human. In other word, "to enable people work in an comfortable environment" is my initial purpose, so I use the word "phenomenon". In fact, I was hesitate to use this word "phenomenon", because I was not sure if it is suitable.

Writing Feedback / [Toefl] an effective leader should try to make others part of the decision making process [13]

@Holt
hi,I have already wrote a new essay about the same topic, if you have time, could you also see my that essay?

And could I bother you to solve my following problem according to my another article?(I have paste the link at the last)
problem:
I am confused about such topic "an effective leader should try to make others part of the decision making process"; I have two solution: first, should I raise three arguments to proof that making others part of making decision process could lead to effective? second, could I point out three or two benefits that come along with making others part of making decision process?

Thanks for your reading and suggestion

Writing Feedback / [Toefl] an effective leader should try to make others part of the decision making process [13]

Merged:

[TOFEL] An effective leader should try to make others part of the decision making process

prompt: an effective leader should try to make others part of the decision making process

There are many aspects(or standards will be better?) to evaluate whether a leader could be identified as effective. Some people consider that referring others' opinion before deciding the decision is an important quality for an effective leader. In my view, I agree with them.

First and the foremost, making others part of decision is easy to come up with a wise one. On the one hand, it can avoid some mistakes. Everyone will make mistakes and tend to ignore them. Like in classroom, teachers are hardly get rid of any mistakes, they need our students' notices. Similarly, leaders also need others to correct their decisions. On the other hand, some individuals together can propose a more comprehensive idea, because one individual is impossible to be expert in every field while more people can cover wider fields. For example, many big companies set a broad of directors to come up with a decision together. So referring others' opinion increases the likelihood of a wise decision.

Apart from wise decisions, listening to others' suggestion enhances the whole team's productivity. That is because everyone's contribution is more than before. Just imagine what it would happen if the leader is the only one to make decision. The only thing employees will do is stiffly accomplish their assignments without any suggestion as well as novelty. I recall my own case. Once I was the minster of secretary department in student union. At the beginning, I only distributed assignment to every member and told them how to do. But I found out that they were so inactivity and our tasks were hardly approved by teachers. Finally, I changed my mind and every time before I made decision I always collected other members' ideas. Surprisingly, they became more enthusiasm than before and give more ideas, meanwhile teachers gave high evaluation to our works. Therefore, taking others' idea is a good way for leader to enhance the total productivity.

The last but not the least, an effective leader should refer to others' suggestion because it likely to establish a harmonious phenomenon. I believe that leader shouldn't just focus on result, also procedure is equally important for a team. So a harmonious phenomenon is critical. Referring to others' opinions creates more communication among leader and members. Later the team fill with grasp and laughter. As a consequence, the team relationship gets closer and members increase their loyalty to leader too. Hence, harmony is also an aspect to indicate effective.

To wrap up, allowing others part of the decision making process by leaders contributes to wise decisions as well as high productivity of team also establishes a harmonious phenomenon. So leader should try this strategy. Do you remember the saying? Two minds are better than one.

Writing Feedback / Essay about the punishment for children [3]

hi invent, the following is my advice:
grammer mistake:
1. ... if parents have a physical punishment to a child-->delete "a" before violent problems.

improving suggestion:
1. in your second paragraph, I believe that if you add some information, like children are tend to imitate their parents behavior, will make your article more convincingly.

2. in your third paragraph, some detail about how to be a role model will make your article more vivid.

Writing Feedback / [Toefl] Compared to when our grandparents were young, life is more comfortable and easier these days [3]

grammer mistakes:
1.there has been strong debates-->have;
2.life became better and more convenient these days rather than when grandparents were in childhood-->use "than" to place "rather than", because you want to compare right?

3. laundry machine serve-->serves

suggestion:
1.The last sentence in the fourth paragraph, "Considering benefit we have in a modern era, our life is much more comfortable than the past.", I think that you can use words "convenient devises" to replace "benefit", kind of strengthening your points.

2. The second sentence in the last paragraph, I think a little unnecessary. From my perspective, the first sentence plus the last one are enough.

Writing Feedback / [Toefl] an effective leader should try to make others part of the decision making process [13]

@Katthew Kim
I have finished another article with the same topic, and maybe it gets rid of the mistakes you have mentioned. By the way how do you think about the third supporting point? One of my friend said that wasn't good enough.

Writing Feedback / [Toefl] an effective leader should try to make others part of the decision making process [13]

@LadyOfClockwork
thanks for your advice and your notice, also nice to meet you. I will follow your suggestion to modify my article and when I finish it i will set a new thread.